


Something Better

by Dontlookatmelikethat



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: All above are canon-typical warnings, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Andrew Minyard-centric, Drug Withdrawal, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Non-Consensual Drug Use, OOC but make it on purpose, POV Andrew Minyard, POV Neil Josten, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, They meet before Palmetto, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:35:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 91,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25342570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dontlookatmelikethat/pseuds/Dontlookatmelikethat
Summary: Andrew Doe runs away at 16, calls the cops and leaves a note for Cass. He finds solace alone in an abandoned house a few towns over.Neil Josten buries his mother’s bones at a beach in California and walks as far as he can until he makes it to a house that looks like it hasn’t had residents in the past 15 years. Exhausted and running low on options, he decides to camp there for the night.One night turns into many and this story follows the both of them as they try to navigate through life.Alternatively, Neil stays in California au and Andrew nopes out of foster care.
Relationships: Andrew Minyard & The Foxes, Neil Josten & Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten & The Foxes (All For The Game), Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 372
Kudos: 549





	1. All We Ever Knew

**Author's Note:**

> Got the idea that the events that happened in AFTG would have been a lot different if Andrew hadn’t gone to juvie so this is what I came up with.
> 
> I’m going to try to update every Friday, in the meantime come yell at me about AFTG on my tumblr- Andrewminyardhours

Andrew weighs his options for what feels like the thousandth time, turning the note he’d written earlier that day over and over again in his hands. He sends Cass a quick text to go into her room as soon as she gets home and shoulders the backpack containing his belongings. He steels himself and slips downstairs, sets the note on Cass’ bed and desperately hopes that she’ll be the one to find it. 

His phone chimes with Cass’ ringtone and he declines the call with a surge of guilt, knowing if he answers he’ll never bring himself to leave. She sends him a text saying she’ll be home in five minutes and to please wait for her before doing anything. He scowls at the offending word, blocks her number, and walks out the front door before he can change his mind. 

Minutes later he sees Cass pull into the driveway from his hiding place and pulls a burner phone out of his pocket. Once Cass is inside, Andrew dials 911, rattles off the address and requests the police to be sent down quickly before hanging up and dropping the phone in the driveway. Andrew gives the house one last glance and begins to run, backpack slamming against him with every step. He runs until he can’t anymore and hears distant sirens as he tries to catch his breath.

Andrew continues to walk, choosing roads at random until he finds a mom and pop grocery store. He walks in, grabs a bottle of water from the refrigerated display near the register, and nods in thanks at the cashier who waves him out the door before he can pay. 

He continues his trek through the woods behind the store and hopes to find shelter before it gets too dark. Fifteen minutes later and he stumbles upon a rundown house. He trudges through weeds that reach all the way up to his waist and slides a knife from his armband. He picks the lock to the front door and glances around the house for signs of inhabitants. After confirming that it is in fact abandoned, Andrew drops his backpack with a thud and slumps against a corner near the window. He decides that he’ll finish surveying his hideout tomorrow and falls asleep clutching his backpack to his chest. 

He wakes to find light streaming in through the dirty window adjacent to him. Andrew moves through the small house and finds an unusable stove in the kitchen. Every piece of furniture has been taken, and Andrew can see an empty space where a fridge used to reside. He tests the sink in the kitchen, not expecting it to work, and is surprised to find that clear water streams out of the faucet. He tests the water in the small bathroom and finds it working there too. He peers out the back door and finds a well amid the overgrown lawn. There is no washer or dryer in the house, but Andrew supposes he can wash his clothes in the sink if he decides to stay.

The house is close enough to the grocery store that Andrew can walk to it when needed, so he buys soap, a few blankets, and some bread and Nutella with his rapidly dwindling money supply. The same cashier is there from before, a brown haired boy missing a name tag from his too big shirt. 

Once he returns to the house Andrew sets up his blankets into a pile in the corner and hides the soap and food in a cabinet in the kitchen. He considers how long he can stretch the cash he has left, doesn’t like his odds, and stuffs his blankets in a closet before setting out again. Although Andrew had considered juvie as an escape from foster care, he ultimately decided against it to try his luck on his own until he aged out of the system. Regardless, he wants to stay under the radar for as long as possible, and hopes a nearby business is willing to pay him in cash. A little ways past the grocery store Andrew finds a bar with colorful lighting and a ‘now hiring’ flyer stuck to the front window. 

Andrew walks in, interviews for a bartender position, and is offered a job on the spot. At his somewhat incredulous look, the interview laughs.

“I’m sick of working the four to four shift all the time and you look desperate enough to take it. Do you have any experience?” 

Andrew wonders if he should be thankful for the foster family full of alcoholics he spent months with and nods. The interview rattles off the most popular drinks served at the bar and looks skeptical when Andrew tells him he can make most of them. Andrew rolls his eyes and sets about making the three most complicated drinks on the list and sets them down in front of the few customers at the bar. In return he gets his hand shaken by his interviewer who ignores his grimace and tells Andrew that he starts in two weeks.

The following days pass slowly and Andrew resorts to taking what he can from the small grocery store when his money runs out. Once, he notices the cashier staring at him with suspicion and Andrew walks out empty handed. Stomach growling, he drinks the last of the water he’s been rationing and leaves to start his first shift at the bar. It’s loud and far too crowded but Andrew finds solace in the repetition of mixing the same few drinks. The tips he receives in return don’t hurt either. If any of the patrons take notice of his height or the fact that he is clearly not over the age of twenty one, they turn a blind eye. And if they happen to tip him more than they normally would out of pity, that’s their business. 

The owner doesn’t pay him minimum wage and takes some of his tips, reasoning that if he has to pay him in cash instead of with a paycheck, he requires compensation for the inconvenience. Andrew doesn’t mind much, and buys blackout curtains the first chance he can since he sleeps during the day now. He has completely stopped going to school since he left, and has pretty much dropped off the map besides his trips to the grocery store and the bar.

On his way home with the curtains and some more bottles of water- he may trust the well water to shower and wash his clothes with but you couldn’t pay him to drink it- Andrew notices that the door is locked and sets down the case of waters cautiously. He isn’t in the habit of locking the door yet as he doesn’t care to pick it every time he comes home from work. Alarm bells ringing in his head, Andrew withdraws a knife from his armband to pick the lock just as he’d done that first day, and freezes. 

A brown haired boy his age is asleep across from the door, clutching a duffle bag to his chest. Andrew takes a moment to reel in his thoughts, puts the curtains down by the window, and walks back over to the door to slam it closed. The stranger is awake and standing in a moment and Andrew realizes that he’s the nameless cashier. 

He pushes the thought aside, keeps the knife in his hand, and says “who are you and what are you doing in my house?”


	2. Trouble

The first thing Neil notices about the familiar looking boy in front of him is the knife at his side. The second is how tired he looks. Neil’s not in much of fighting shape himself, but his hands curl into fists anyway as soon as he gets his footing. The other boy scoffs, puts the knife into his armband, and fishes a pack of cigarettes and a lighter out of his back pocket. He steps closer to Neil, seems to ignore his posture, and holds out a cigarette to him. 

Neil just stares, wondering what kind of ulterior motive he could have, when the boy shrugs and says “suit yourself” before lighting it and inhaling the smoke. He makes his way over to the window and without exhaustion coloring his vision Neil can start to connect the dots. The boy in front of him has been coming to the grocery store he works at for a few weeks now, and stopped stealing from it after Neil started looking more closely. He must work opposite hours as Neil does, and probably hides his belongings like he does before leaving.

He is somewhat indignant that the other boy had called this his house since Neil definitely lived here first, but he supposes that just means he’s done a good enough job at erasing his presence before he leaves for work. He’d be late today if he didn’t have the next two days off, though the other boy doesn’t seem to care as he perches on the windowsill. 

Now awake and alert, he has no choice but to inhale the scent of smoke filling the small room. He bites down the anguish the smell brings him and tries not to dive deep into a flashback. He can tell it’s not working as he slides back down the wall, staring blankly at the door and feeling the heat of the fire that’s long since burned out. 

Neil feels a hand on the back of his neck and sees the other boy in front of him, cigarette snuffed out and forgotten on the windowsill. 

“I don’t know where you think you are but you’re not there anymore. I’m Andrew and you’re sitting on the floor in the house I’ve been staying at. I’m guessing you were involved in some sort of fire from that reaction but you’re safe here, I promise.” He said it with such certainty that Neil finds himself believing the words and understanding the weight of the promise. 

“Neil Josten,” he offers, wondering if Andrew can tell he’s lying. If he can, he doesn’t call him out on it and instead retrieves a pair of dark curtains from the floor. Neil wonders how he hadn’t noticed them before, then decides he has bigger things to worry about. 

“And just so you know, I have been living here longer than you. I’ve only seen you around the store for the last few weeks and I’ve lived here for more than a month and a half.” The stare he receives in return is so thoroughly unimpressed that Neil has to stop himself from smiling.

He watches Andrew stand precariously on the windowsill to reach the curtain rod and fights the urge to flee while his back is turned. Andrew hasn’t identified himself as a threat and Neil is too tired to run any longer. And besides, this was his house first. If anyone should be running away it’s Andrew. 

Neil settles more comfortably into his corner and hopes Andrew won’t gut him in his sleep with those knives up his sleeves. Andrew doesn’t, and instead brings a blanket from a closet over to Neil. Neil starts to reassure him that he can take watch tonight, remembers normal people don’t sleep in shifts, and reels in surprise when Andrew tells him he’ll make sure they’re safe while Neil sleeps. 

Neil curls up with the blanket, resigns himself to tell Andrew about how he got here in the morning, and falls into a dreamless sleep within minutes. 

Neil wakes with a jolt, immediately reaching for the gun under his pillow. He freezes when he remembers that he not only does not have a pillow, he doesn’t have a weapon at all. Chiding himself at his stupidity, Neil opens his eyes and glances first at the door, then to the blonde haired boy sitting on top of a nest of blankets across the room.

Andrew looks back at him with a bored expression. Neil wonders if he kept watch the entire time, and judges that he had by the exhausted way he holds himself up against the wall. The curtains are drawn but Neil sees a thin halo of light surrounding them and determines it to be afternoon. 

Andrew confirms this, letting him know it’s currently one o’clock and sounds almost impressed when he tells him that he had slept for close to nine hours. Neil’s eyes widen at how careless he’d been in the past day and he rifles through his duffle bag for the burner cell he keeps for emergencies. He finds it and all the other contents intact and looks at Andrew suspiciously. He’d had plenty of time to try and figure out Neil and his past, yet all the other boy does is roll his eyes and say he’s not interested in stalking him.

“I have work in three hours and I’d like to sleep for at least two. If you need to watch the front door it’s visible from the kitchen counter through that doorway, but you can’t stay in this room.” 

Neil opens his mouth to argue and decides against it after Andrew stayed up for nine hours keeping watch for him. Instead, Neil shoulders his duffle bag and hops on the kitchen counter at Andrew’s suggestion. He was right in that it has an unobstructed view of the door, and it also lets him keep an eye on Andrew, who has burrowed himself into the blanket nest, back against the wall. 

Despite the exhaustion Andrew exhibited earlier, it’s clear he isn’t comfortable sleeping. Whether it is from Neil’s presence, the poor job the curtains are doing at blocking the afternoon light, or some other factor, it takes Andrew close to an hour and a half to finally doze off. Neil watches the door for a while and loses track of time as he ponders whether or not he should leave town. He turns to map out the other exits of the house when he accidentally kicks the wall attached the the counter with a dull thud. He swivels to find Andrew already sitting up with his hands in fists. He uses them to rub at his eyes and looks over at Neil warily. When he doesn’t find a threat he fishes a flip phone out of the blankets and checks the time. 

Sighing, Andrew kicks his feet out from under the blankets and begins making his way over to Neil. He walks past without a word and heads to the kitchen and opens a cabinet to reveal a half-eaten loaf of bread and a tub of Nutella. Andrew quickly makes two sandwiches and slides one over to Neil on top of a paper towel, and begins tearing his own sandwich into tiny pieces. They eat in silence until Neil interrupts to ask him where he works.

“At a bar, I usually work the four pm to four am shift. It’s about a thirty minute walk from here which means I have to leave-“ he checks the phone again and frowns “in about ten minutes.” He finishes his sandwich and scans the room before he strides out the door and manhandles a case of waters into the house. He tosses one to Neil and grabs one for himself to stash in the backpack Neil hasn’t seen leave his side, not that he’s one to talk.

Neil sees Andrew looking at him expectantly and flushes. “Can you repeat that?” Andrew raises his eyebrows but doesn’t argue.

“I asked if you were planning on staying. I’ve seen you look at the exits in this place about ten times already and I’m not going to make you leave, especially since you found it first, but if you want to stay we’re going to have to figure something out.” 

He scrubs at his face tiredly and checks his phone again. “I have to go now, if you’re still here when I get back I’ll assume you’re staying. If not, you can take a few waters but I don’t get paid again until next week so don’t take them all.”

He taps his temple in a two-fingered salute and closes the door behind him, leaving Neil alone to make his decision.


	3. Restless

Neil is still in the house, awake and perched on the kitchen counter when he checks the time on his phone for what feels like the hundredth time. Andrew should have been back almost forty minutes ago and Neil is doing his best to quell his building anxiety. 

“You’re late,” he accuses as soon as Andrew walks through the front door. Andrew raises his eyebrows wordlessly at the comment and moves to sit against the doorway leading to the kitchen. 

“I don’t have anywhere else to go and I’m sure you don’t either, and it’s not fair to either of us to get kicked out,” Neil says, and stands to hand Andrew the paper towel he’d covered in equations. 

“Since there’s two of us living here now, we can both work less hours and split purchases between us-“ 

Andrew skims the math and cuts him off bluntly. “I don’t make minimum wage so this is wrong. I’ll figure out how many less hours I can take after I’ve been able to sleep for a few hours,” When he doesn’t add anything, Neil continues with his proposal as if he hadn’t been interrupted.

“I’m going to cut down to five hour shifts instead of nine. I’ll change my schedule to six to eleven instead of six to three if that works?” Andrew shrugs noncommittally. “You know, you could always work at the grocery store with me. At least I get paid fairly there.”

Neil doesn’t take it personally when Andrew scoffs at him. “At least three people have caught me stealing there, including you. I think I’ll stick with the job I have now.” He glances down at the paper towel again and offers “I think I can move to nine hour shifts instead of twelve though.” 

He motions vaguely to the kitchen counter and mutters “stay there,” as he walks back to his nest of blankets. He falls asleep quicker this time and Neil wonders if it’s due to fatigue or because he trusts Neil more. He hopes it’s the latter and shakes the thought from his head as he sits down against the counter. 

He eventually dozes off and wakes himself up periodically to assess for threats. He looks over to Andrew for what feels like the tenth time tonight and realizes he can’t see him in the blankets. Rationally he knows that he’s probably buried somewhere in the blanket pile, knows that his father’s men wouldn’t have taken him and left Neil alive.

It doesn’t stop the panic that forces itself into his chest, though, and he stands as quietly as he can, walking lightly towards the doorway. He stands at the foot of the pile, sees tufts of blonde hair peeking out of the blankets, and breathes out a sigh of relief. 

He’s moving to go grab his bag from the corner by the door when a floorboard creaks. Neil freezes when he hears the immediate sound of skin meeting plaster and turns to see Andrew sitting up and shaking out his hand tiredly. His first two knuckles are split but Andrew seems more focused on regulating his breathing, Neil’s own panic mirrored in his eyes. Once he’s not quite hyperventilating, Andrew glares at Neil in accusation.

“I was just getting-“ the lie dies on his lips as he grapples with the idea of telling the truth. He sighs heavily and hopes his mother can’t see him from wherever she is. 

“I can’t sleep in a different room from someone without checking on them,” he grits out. “I couldn’t see you and I panicked and I needed to check if you were there.” 

Andrew studies his face, doesn’t find a lie, and waves a hand at Neil’s discarded blanket. “You can stay there,” he mutters and sinks back down into the blankets, injured hand forgotten. Neil almost mentions it but they don’t have ice anyway and Andrew is clearly still exhausted. Neil wonders if he usually sleeps more often as he wanders over to the corner he usually inhabits. He dozes off almost immediately, content in knowing that they’re safe at least for a little while.

Throughout the next few weeks their sleeping arrangements remain the same. Though there are no longer any noises to wake Andrew, he doesn’t sleep longer than a couple hours regularly. With the newly implemented schedule changes there should be no reason for sleep deprivation, though Andrew repeatedly startles moments after his head begins to dip towards his chest. 

One night after Andrew wakes up for the fourth time he stands and moves to the kitchen to pace tiredly back and forth. He catches Neil’s eye in the entryway and scowls fiercely before sitting back down on his blankets with a huff. Neil opens his mouth and is quickly shot down with a sharp “don’t,” but Andrew motions for Neil to sit beside him. Baffled by the show of trust, Neil does so without a word.

Staring pointedly at the wall facing them, Andrew comments “you told me about how you couldn’t sleep without someone in the room with you.” He stops there, waiting for some kind of acknowledgement. With Neil’s nod he continues. 

“I’ll trade you, a truth for a truth then. I’ve been in foster care my whole life and I was thrown from home to home over the years. None of them were good.” He pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath. “And because of that I have trouble sleeping in the same room as other people.” 

He glares at the wall, clenches his fists tightly and looks like he wouldn’t mind if he punched straight through it. 

Neil turns his head to face him and holds out his right hand, pinky up. Andrew stares blankly at him and Neil remembers being confused the first time he saw it too. 

“I saw some kids doing this at the store when they promised each other something. I thought I could promise to tell you the truth if you want to continue the exchange.” 

Andrew silently mirrors his body language and Neil links their pinkies together. Andrew stiffens but doesn’t draw away so Neil lowers their hands so they rest against the wall. 

“Is that okay?” He asks hesitantly. Andrew glances at him in surprise and Neil almost misses the yes he mumbles. Neil steels himself and prepares to be more truthful than he’s been in years. 

“I’ve been living here for a few months. The reason I can’t sleep without someone else in the room is because of my parents.” Andrew goes still against the wall and Neil can feel the grip on his finger tighten. 

“I was on the run with my mother for ten years. She would always sleep in the same room with me, usually we’d be back to back to better identify threats. My father had been trying to kill us for years and he succeeded with her a few months ago. I burned the car we had at the time and buried her bones at the beach. I’ve been on my own ever since, and I’ve actually slept better these last few weeks than I had in the entire time I’ve been here.” 

He looks Andrew in the eye and backtracks. “But I’ll stop now. It’s not fair to you to sacrifice your wellbeing for mine and I should have stopped as soon as I realized you weren’t sleeping properly.” 

Andrew rolls his eyes at that and says “my wellbeing is not your fucking concern.” He gives Neil a considering look. “I never knew my family, I don’t even know my last name. My last foster mom got me one of those ancestry tests to see if maybe someone else in my family had taken it, but I’m just as alone as you are.”

He takes a steadying breath and adds “I thought that she could have been my family, but I finally had enough and ran away and that’s when I ended up here.” 

He sees Andrew’s eyes growing heavy out of the corner of his vision, knows he’ll have to return to the kitchen soon, and offers up a last bit of information.

“My name isn’t really Neil Josten, but it’s the only one that matters. Abram, my middle name is the purest truth I have. Only my mother ever used it, and it was never a part of my aliases.”

Andrew murmurs “Abram,” and leans his head to rest against the wall. Neil begins to ask if he wants him to leave when Andrew quietly says “you can stay.” 

Neil feels his chest tighten and desperately reminds himself not to get attached to Andrew, that he’ll have to leave sooner or later like he always does, even if he did trust him with the truth.


	4. Hollow Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of self harm, Drake, and underage drinking in this chapter.

Andrew wakes with his head on a shoulder and freezes. He let’s out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding when it’s Neil’s voice that says “it’s just me.” Andrew slowly sits up, tenses at how sore his neck feels, and doesn’t bother apologizing. 

“What time is it?” He asks, hoping Neil can hear the ‘how long have you been up’ that goes unspoken. 

“Almost five,” Apparently Neil can read expressions pretty well because his face flushes and he adds “I’ve only been awake for a couple hours.” Andrew forces himself to look away, reminding himself that Neil is just a pipe dream, that he’s going to leave just like everyone else he’s ever met and he can’t do this to himself again. 

When Neil doesn’t say anything else, Andrew glances back over at him. “But I didn’t wake up,” he says, half to himself.

“I didn’t want to startle you so I just stayed here,” he explains nonchalantly, like it’s something anyone would do. 

Andrew has to look away again and stares down at his lap. Even their fucking fingers are still intertwined. Suddenly too much, Andrew breaks away to run his hands through his hair and stands to walk to the kitchen. 

Neil follows him with an expression far too fond for someone who has only known him for a month. “Don’t look at me like that,” he snaps and ignores the twinge in the stomach when Neil immediately looks away. Andrew mutters that he’s going to take a shower before work and grabs a spare change of clothes from his backpack before retreating to the small bathroom.

He peels off his armbands at the sink and scrubs viciously at the dried blood on his knuckles and the old scabs covering his wrists. He showers quickly and avoids looking at them as best he can until he’s able to put his bands back on. He cuts the water off and towels himself dry, not bothering to mess with his hair after the towel leaves it standing in odd directions. He dresses and stashes his dirty clothes in a closet until he can find time to wash them later in the week.

Walking into the kitchen Andrew finds Neil munching on an apple. He grabs another off the counter, gives it a quick rinse and tosses it to Andrew. Neil gives an approving nod when Andrew catches the slippery apple and outright grins when he slides a knife out of his armbands to cut it into slices. 

They sit side by side in comfortable silence interspersed with the crunch of the fruit. Neil is in a better mood than Andrew has seen from him in days and wonders if being well-rested really makes that much of a difference. 

Neil breaks him out of his thoughts and asks “have you ever played Exy before? I used to play it when I was a kid before we ran.” There’s too much longing in his voice for a sport, but Andrew doesn’t dwell much on it.

“None of my foster families cared much about sports.” He leaves the childish ‘or me’ out from the sentence. “I did play soccer in elementary and middle school a few times though. I was always the goalie.”

Neil smiles again and says “That catch wasn’t a fluke then, was it? You have good reflexes, especially since you haven’t practiced in years.” 

Andrew’s phone begins to ring and he curses creatively upon seeing the number and the time. Neil raises his eyebrows as Andrew accepts the call and presses the speaker phone button. 

“A.J. you were supposed to be here thirty minutes ago! However much time you don’t spend here I’ll be sure to take double out of your paycheck.” Andrew scowls, mutters that he’ll be there in half an hour, and hangs up on his boss. 

“A.J.?”

“You focus on the strangest things sometimes. My middle name is Joseph and I didn’t want the bar to have my first name on file.” 

“Thanks for telling me.” Neil hooks their pinkies together and Andrew finds that he doesn’t mind the contact. 

“Your hair is all fluffy,” Neil comments with a grin. 

Andrew doesn’t dignify that with a reply, scoops up his backpack with an amused shake of his head and gives Neil a two-fingered salute. Neil mirrors it back to him and Andrew walks out the door without another word.

The bar is thirty minutes away from the house but Andrew has always walked fast and makes it there with a few minutes to spare. He immediately slips behind the bar and starts taking orders and mixing drinks for the patrons he’s come to know as regulars. 

“Hey kid, did you change your shift? You’re usually here when I get in.”

Andrew finishes making his drink and slides it over. “Lost track of time.” The man grins, shoots him a thumbs up, and turns back to his friend. 

His boss storms over, reams him out for being late, and then immediately takes off. Andrew spends most of his shift cleaning the bar and remaking the same few drinks, but he doesn’t mind the repetition.

Towards the end of the night, only two of his regulars are left. 

“My wife’s cousin is a cop a couple towns over.” At the other man’s grumbling he says “yeah, yeah, but he’s her family, what can you do?”

“Anyway, she says they arrested some bastard for touching kids.” Andrew’s heart stops and he forces himself not to react. 

The man next to him grimaces and says “damn shame. Hope he rots in prison.” 

“I doubt he will. Apparently they’re taking his word since the kid hasn’t come to the station.”

Andrew schools his expression into practiced apathy when the men turn to look at him. “What do you think, A.J.?”

Andrew knows he’s too tense, knows he won’t be able to keep it together much longer and replies “Bar’s closed. Finish your drinks and get out.” 

The men are either too drunk to listen to his tone or smart enough to drop it as they throw some cash on the counter and stand. One of them throws a “see ya tomorrow, kid,” to Andrew on his way out. 

Andrew scoops up the cash, wipes down the counter, and pushes down the urge to tear into his wrists for control, control, control. He promised himself he’d stop after leaving and he’s not going to break now. Instead, he pours a copious amount of whiskey into two reusable water bottles, trading one coping mechanism for another. Determined to keep his thoughts at bay, he walks home quickly, only stopping to down some of the drink every few steps. 

He makes it back to the house and clumsily slams the door behind him as he enters, wanting nothing more than to drink himself to sleep.


	5. The Salt And The Sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More mentions of Drake and underaged drinking in this chapter.

Neil wakes out of a dreamless sleep to the sound of a gun shot. He clutches his duffle bag ready to bolt, and realizes that the sound was the front door slamming closed when he looks up and sees Andrew. He relaxes immediately and shoves his bag into the corner next to him. It’s strange to have someone else to trust that isn’t his mother, but Neil knows he couldn’t have picked a better person for it.

Upon closer examination of his friend Neil can feel himself tensing up again. Andrew smells like whiskey and looks about a thousand miles away as he unlaces his boots. He kicks them off and sends them crashing into the wall opposite of the door with an unreadable expression, exhaustion coloring his movements. Neil can see him holding a reusable metal water bottle and his suspicions are confirmed when Andrew takes a long swig from it. He stumbles across the room with socked feet and slides down the wall to rest next to his pile of blankets.

“What happened at work? You’re back a half hour early,” he accuses. ‘And far too drunk,’ a bitter voice in the back of his mind supplies unhelpfully.

Andrew looks up from his spot, small and curled in on himself, and the only way Neil can describe his expression is pain.

“They were talking about him,” Andrew says vaguely and takes another drink.

“Talking about who?” As far as Neil is aware, he’s the only one Andrew knows in town. This is about his past, he realizes with a jolt. Andrew has been mostly unspecific about the details leading up to his arrival, not that Neil can blame him without being a hypocrite.

“Drake,” he whispers miserably, quiet enough that Neil almost misses it. He fights the urge to say that he has no idea who that is, and stays quiet. Andrew should be able to tell him about his past when he is of clear mind, and he’s definitely not there now.

Instead, he sits about a foot to his left and says “I think you’ve had enough to drink tonight.” With Andrew’s scowl he presses on. “Can you put the bottle down? You’re going to be miserable tomorrow.”

Andrew shrugs as if to say ‘I’m pretty miserable now,’ but doesn’t argue. He sets the bottle down between them and his helpless expression makes Neil want to burn the bar and all it’s inhabitants to the ground.

“It’s the only way I’ll be able to sleep tonight,” he mumbles. Andrew rests his forehead on top of his arms, his knees pulled close to his chest, and goes silent. He stays that way for the longest minutes of Neil’s life, and he takes the time to futilely try to figure out how to navigate the situation. The only times he or his mother drank was when they were physically injured, and he isn’t sure how to deal with this.

Andrew finally peeks his head out from his arms and says “you can have some if you want.” He loosely waves a hand at the bottle and unhelpfully adds “I drank most of it.”

Neil peers into the half-empty bottle with confusion and wonders if they have different definitions of ‘most.’ Andrew must notice because he leans over and says “oh, that was the other one.” He rummages around in his backpack and pulls out an identical bottle, though this one is clearly empty.

Neil frowns and grabs the one on the floor while he’s distracted with zipping up the bag. “I guess this one’s mine then,” he says more casually than he feels, and winces at the burn of alcohol as he takes a sip. It reminds him enough of his mother that he has to drag himself back to the present, if only for Andrew’s sake.

“ _Oh_.” 

Neil looks up at the comment and sees Andrew looking at him with slightly wide eyes, his face flushed from the liquor.

When Neil raises his eyebrows in question, Andrew looks away and tilts his head to the side to gaze out the window. After a few moments he heaves a loud sigh.

“I’ll tell you,” he decides, and abandons staring out the window to face Neil instead.

“Not if you don’t want to,” Neil offers. He knows he should argue the point more but Andrew chooses that moment to scoot over to hook their pinkies together. It’s endearing enough to make Neil smile, though he forces himself to stay on topic. He hopes he won’t regret it and nods at Andrew to begin in case he’s waiting for acknowledgement.

Andrew dips his head in return and uses his free hand to reach around Neil and scoop up the aluminum bottle. He takes another long drink and places it back between them with a low thud.

“Two of my regulars were at the bar as usual tonight.” He scowls at the floor before continuing. “Around four they started talking about a man who got arrested about a month ago for child molestation and rape.”

Andrew’s expression goes carefully flat as he adds “Drake.” Neil’s stomach drops when he processes the information, and he suddenly wishes he’d waited until morning to ask. Mind reeling, he takes a second drink to steady himself and when that doesn’t work, he takes another.

Andrew appears to be done with his explanation and is openly studying Neil’s expression, searching for something within it. Whatever it is, he doesn’t seem to find it.

Neil squeezes their pinkies together and meets his eyes. “My father is the Butcher of Baltimore,” he states bluntly, offering the only secret that feels equal in weight.

Andrew huffs out a surprised laugh and says “huh,” in a strange tone. Neil must look offended because he quickly adds “sorry, sorry. Just wasn’t what I was expecting you to say, is all.”

Neil relaxes and Andrew pushes the bottle aside to scoot closer until their sides are smushed together. Andrew still smells like whiskey, but he feels warm and safe pressed against him and Neil finds that he doesn’t want to leave.

“Thank you for telling me,” Andrew mumbles. “I feel a little better now.” Neil’s heart clenches as Andrew looks into his eyes and solemnly asks “yes or no.” With Neil’s answer Andrew softly lays his head on his shoulder and closes his eyes.

Neil stays perfectly still as he listens for Andrew’s breathing to even out. He still kind of wants to burn the world for hurting Andrew, and decides to do his best to protect him instead. He wonders how he could care about someone so deeply in just a few weeks and closes his eyes, content to worry about that another day.


	6. Faint

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Andrew’s and Neil’s scars are mentioned in this chapter.

Neil wakes to light streaming into the room and immediately notices Andrew’s absence. The reusable bottle is tipped on it’s side, with a much too small puddle of whiskey pooled around it for what was left from last night. 

Alarm bells ringing in his head, Neil stands and begins cataloguing his surroundings. 

He makes his way through the kitchen, and breathes a sigh of relief when he hears Andrew vomiting from the bathroom. Andrew’s probably not having the time of his life with what’s sure to be a killer hangover and possibly alcohol poisoning, but he supposes it beats being carved to death by his father. 

He gives a quick knock to the door to let Andrew know he’s awake and heads to the kitchen. They’re almost out of food but they have almost half a roll of paper towels left so he grabs it and makes his way back to the spilled whiskey. 

He’s just finished wiping it down when Andrew walks into the room. His hair is wet and dripping onto his long sleeved black shirt, and the hole at the knee of his jeans reveals an old bruise. His boots are still where he left them and Neil can see a thin stripe of purple on his otherwise all black socks peeking out from the ends of his fraying jeans. 

Andrew catches his gaze and turns away in favor of rummaging through his backpack for some painkillers. He looks absolutely miserable as he picks up the discarded water bottle and trudges back to the kitchen. Scowling, he pours what little whiskey is left into the sink and gives the bottle a rinse before grabbing a sealed water bottle and swallowing two pills.

Neil joins him in the kitchen and they quietly sit on the counter side by side. He’s not sure how to broach the subject of their talk last night, and eventually gives up on tact and says “do you remember-“

Andrew grimaces and says “I remember everything.” His tone says this isn’t a conversation he wants to have, so Neil drops it and picks another topic. 

“Do you want me to pick anything up while I’m at work?

Andrew hops off the counter abruptly and rushes to the trashcan to empty what’s left in his stomach. Without missing a beat he deadpans “more trash bags.” He glances to the kitchen and takes stock of the meager selection of food. “And maybe some more bread and Nutella.”

Neil nods and frowns when he sees he only has fifteen minutes before he has to leave. He makes a mental note to grab some more apples and waters as well and hops off the counter. He’s thankful that Andrew doesn’t have work until hours later and hopes he’ll be able to recover before he has to go in, otherwise the smell of alcohol is going to be nauseating. 

He leaves Andrew at the trashcan and heads to the bathroom to shower before his shift. He sees Andrew’s armbands resting in the sink and ignores them in favor of running his fingers through his hair to check for roots showing. The brown dye he used last time is fading, leaving some red showing through. 

He’ll have to do it again soon he thinks, then remembers that he already told Andrew about his father. He hadn’t taken it badly, though Neil isn’t sure if it was Andrew’s own trauma or the alcohol’s doing. He pushes the thought from his head and takes a short shower, dressing in the same clothes as yesterday. 

He makes it to work on time and his shift goes by excruciatingly slowly. They’re overstaffed today and Neil’s manager must see that he’s distracted because he lets him go a few hours early without complaint.

Neil walks into the house, shutting the door quietly behind him in case Andrew is sleeping. He used his free time to grab some groceries, and sighs when he realizes he forgot paper towels. He sets the rest of the items at the front door and moves to the entryway leading to the kitchen. 

Andrew has his hands plunged into the sink, scrubbing furiously at his armbands that still reek of whiskey. Neil zeroes in on his uncovered wrists and feels sick to his stomach. 

Andrew startles as Neil whispers his name. He hastily pulls his sleeves down, but the damage is done. 

Neil can’t quite mask the anger in his tone and spits out “is that what all the knives are for then?”

“You’re supposed to be at work,” he says cooly, expression flat. “Go away.”

“Andrew.”

“We’re not talking about this. I’m sure you’re smart enough to connect the dots yourself.” He leaves the armbands to dry at the edge of the sink with his knives strewn around it haphazardly. Without another word he stalks out the back door, leaving Neil alone. 

He finds Andrew on the roof later, a ladder he didn’t know they owned propped against the back wall. 

“I didn’t know we had a ladder,” Neil comments in lieu of a greeting. 

“Stole it from work,” Andrew answers distractedly.

He casts Neil a glance and returns to staring at the grass. “What do they need a ladder for anyway?” He grumbles and Neil can’t help but crack a smile. 

“I’m sorry,” he blurts out suddenly. Andrew shrugs halfheartedly and says nothing. Neil pushes on, determined to get his thoughts across. 

“I’ve spent my whole life trying to survive and I couldn’t understand how you could do that, and I know that doesn’t make it right and that it was an invasion of privacy and even though it was an accident I’m still sorry,” he says in a rush.

Andrew finally looks up from the ground and over to Neil. “I was surviving too,” he says shortly. “I stopped after I left and I don’t plan on starting again. The knives were originally for protection before everything spiraled and that’s all that they’re for now.”

Neil nods at his answer and some, but not all, of the guilt subsides. “I think you’re a secret or two ahead in our game. If you come down from the roof and inside with me I’ll even it out,” he offers.

When Andrew makes no move to get up, Neil stands and slowly climbs down the ladder. He walks to what would probably be the living room if it had any furniture in it, and sits down to the right of the window. 

Andrew walks in twenty minutes later, smelling strongly of smoke and Neil is grateful to find that it doesn’t immediately throw him into a flashback. He’s actually beginning to associate smoke more with Andrew than he did with his mother, and doesn’t know whether to be comforted by the thought or to feel traitorous instead. 

Andrew’s wearing his armbands again and has the sleeves of his shirt pushed up to his elbows. The bands have got to still be damp but Andrew shows no discomfort and only says, “I have to leave for work in an hour.”

Taking that as his cue, Neil begins. “I told you some about how my mom and I were on the run from my father. The next two things I’m about to tell you are the biggest secrets I have.”

“Well, it’d probably be easier to show you,” he amends, clenching his jaw. He yanks off his too-big shirt and looks to Andrew for his reaction. Andrew’s expression isn’t guarded, but it doesn’t show pity either as his eyes roam Neil’s chest. He wonders if he should feel self-conscious about it, then decides he doesn’t care. 

Andrew zeroes in on his shoulder and frowns, looking as if he wants to comment on the impression of an iron left there. Neil beats him to it and says “that was my father before we left.” 

Andrew nods in understanding and doesn’t press him for more, probably valuing his privacy more heavily after the events from earlier. He motions to Neil’s discarded shirt and says “you can put that back on.” He toys with his armbands as Neil pulls his shirt back on before looking him in the eyes. “Is the other secret the contacts?”

Neil blinks back at him in surprise. “No one’s ever noticed before.” Andrew shrugs and Neil turns away slightly to take them out. He locks his eyes back onto Andrew’s and admits “I’m going to stop dying my hair too. I’m tired of running, and I want to stay here with you.”

If Andrew notices his flushed face he doesn’t comment on it. “Blue suits you better,” he murmurs in lieu of a response and takes a cigarette out of the pack from his pocket. He offers it to Neil with raised eyebrows and the right corner of his mouth twitches upwards when he takes it. 

“I used to only think of my mom whenever I smelled smoke. And I still think of her, but mostly I think of you.”

Andrew turns his head away in favor of staring out the window and Neil immediately misses his gaze. His hair is shining from the sunlight streaming in through the window, and when he turns to meet Neil’s eyes again he sees that they’re the color of honey, warm and gold. Neil is so disoriented for a moment that he all he can do is stare.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Andrew mutters and glances down at his phone. When Neil ignores him Andrew gently pushes at his cheek with his index finger until Neil is facing the window with him. They sit and watch for a while, comfortable in each other’s presence. Neil can’t remember a time he’s felt close to being this safe, even with his mother, and an indescribable feeling fills his chest.

Andrew plucks the forgotten cigarette from his fingers and stands. He draws in a breath and blows the smoke in Neil’s direction before heading to the door.

“See you at 4:30,” he says as a goodbye, and punctuates it with a salute. 

Neil watches his retreating figure from the window and ignores the longing he usually feels as he’s left alone. He hears his mother’s voice in his head shouting at him that crushes are childish and too dangerous to have in this life. But that’s ridiculous, Neil doesn’t have a crush on Andrew. Just because he cares about him doesn’t mean that he likes him. 

As he brushes off the thought, Neil counts to ten in every language he knows. He flops down onto the heap of blankets that Andrew usually inhabits and lets his eyes slide closed for just a few minutes.


	7. Maybe

Andrew makes sure he’s out of sight and sits down at the edge of the woods that keep the house secluded to finish Neil’s cigarette. 

He knows he likes Neil, found out for sure the night before while he was drunk. He scowls at the thought, wonders if this will be the push for him to stop drinking, then brushes the idea aside. He works at a bar for fucks sake, his boss can’t fire him since no one else wants his shit hours, and he’d definitely be able to get away with stealing some more liquor whenever he inevitably spirals again. 

His thoughts wander back to Neil. They’ve fallen into a good routine in the last few months. Andrew’s definitely trusted him with more about his past than anyone he’s ever met, and the vulnerability doesn’t scare him as much as he’d thought it would. He’s half waiting for the other shoe to drop at this point, knows by now that the universe doesn’t let good things happen to him. 

He stands and continues his walk to the bar and is only a few minutes late. He counts it as a win and shoulders the door open, internally cringing at the smell. His nausea had subsided on the roof, but the alcohol permeating the air is doing its best to bring it back. 

He swallows hard and trudges behind the bar, giving his regulars a nod. If they remember the conversation from last night they don’t mention it again, and instead warn Andrew that his boss is heading his way. 

“A.J.! Why is a bottle of my whiskey gone?” 

Andrew bares his teeth into a grin and innocently says “I have no idea.” He snaps his fingers sarcastically. “Maybe we were robbed!” 

His boss heaves a long sigh and mutters a threat about his paycheck before leaving him alone behind the bar and walking out the side door. 

A few surly looking men enter the bar, clad in matching motorcycle jackets. His regulars laugh when Andrew rolls his eyes and turn to watch the group settle in. They unsurprisingly order generic drinks and noisily shove each other before heading to a table in the back. 

The door only opens again an hour before closing. A tall man with curly hair and skin shades darker than Andrew’s own makes his way to the counter without glancing up until he reaches it. 

“Aaron?” He asks in surprise and actually smacks himself in the forehead at Andrew’s blank stare. “I’m literally the stupidest person alive. You must be Andrew!”

Andrew freezes. One of the locals uses the silence to say “nah, that’s A.J.” The stranger stares at him for a moment before turning back to Andrew. 

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere!”

Andrew pushes down his panic enough to grit out “who the fuck are you.”

The man doesn’t look fazed and says “I’m Nicky, I’m your cousin!”

Andrew gives him an unimpressed look. “I don’t have any family.”

Nicky actually looks upset at his comment. “I’m sorry it took so long to find you, I didn’t know you existed! I’ve been estranged from my family for years because they’re homophobes and don’t accept me, and I never even knew I had any other family until a year ago.”

He frowns for a moment and then continues. “I got a call from Aaron because apparently Aunt Tilda kept my parents’ number for emergencies and he called because your mom overdosed, sorry I’m rambling I’m just so excited to meet you!” He takes a deep breath and Andrew slides him a glass of water, which he gratefully accepts.

“So, anyway, me and Aaron took some ancestry test a little while ago to celebrate a year of me taking care of him- oh yeah, I’m his guardian now after I adopted him.”

He takes a sip of water before continuing. ”Then your profile popped up and I called the number that was listed as your contact but some woman named Cass picked up and said that neither of her sons lived at home anymore and that she didn’t know how to find you, so I flew here and looked everywhere and I finally gave up and came here for a drink and here you are!”

Andrew stays quiet to process the information just thrown at him and then asks “Aaron?”

“Yeah, he’s your twin brother! That’s why I said his name when I came to the bar because my dumb brain thought you were him for a second.” He pauses and amends “though your hair is wavier than his is. And he doesn’t wear armbands. And he definitely doesn’t work at a bar.” Andrew holds up a hand to stop the bizarre ‘spot the difference’ game Nicky has started.

Nicky grins and changes topics. “I’m so happy to have found you! You can come back to South Carolina with me and meet Aaron too.”

Andrew immediately scowls at this. “I live here. I’m not just going to get on a plane with you and leave.” Nicky just nods goodnaturedly and sits down in the seat in front of Andrew. 

The four men Andrew has come to expect until close every night push some cash his way and give him a nod before heading to a table further away. While he appreciates the privacy, he can’t help but feel wary about being left alone at the bar with Nicky.

Nicky has no such worries and continues chattering along. “Wait, Aaron’s only sixteen, how are you allowed to work in a bar?” He exclaims. “Who hired a sixteen year old to work this late?”

“Shut up, they don’t know how old I am and this is the only job that has late hours that isn’t fast food.”

Nicky raises his eyebrows incredulously. “No offense, but you’re five feet tall and you kind of have a baby face. I feel like I need to talk to the owners or something.”

Andrew’s patience is finally spent and he spits out “I don’t know you. Just because you’re my cousin doesn’t mean you have responsibility for me. We’ve known each other for all of ten minutes and you’re already trying to get me fired.”

“Alright, alright I won’t say anything else about it! I promise,” Nicky says placatingly. Andrew doesn’t believe him but nods anyway, if only to get him to stop talking. 

“So what can you make me that’s strong and rainbow-colored?”

Andrew tries a drink he hasn’t had a chance to make at this bar, and even sticks a tiny umbrella in it for good measure. Nicky beams as he slides it over and says “this is by far the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Andrew, preoccupied with cleaning his station, misses when the group from before approaches the counter. It’s only when the one in front says “you should have taken a look in the mirror then,” that he looks up.

Andrew sees the same man holding Nicky by a fistful of his shirt and glares forcefully at him. He takes no notice and shouts that he’ll “beat the gay out of him,” to anyone who will listen. One of the men with him laughs and nudges his friends when he sees Andrew, clearly underestimating him. Andrew isn’t bothered, he’s been underestimated before and he’s sure he will be again. 

He walks calmly around the bar to stand next to Nicky and says “put him down,” expressionlessly. The men outright laugh now and the leader takes his hand off Nicky’s shirt in favor of curling it into a fist. 

Andrew bursts into action, taking all of the rage he’s been holding onto and throwing it into the fight. He draws a knife and stabs the first man in the thigh before moving on to the other three who stand dumbfounded in front of him. 

Unlike the first man, his friends begin to fight back. One of them lands a lucky punch to his cheekbone and Andrew can feel the cut of a ring. He quickly retaliates by elbowing the man hard in the jaw, and watches as he crumples to the floor in a heap. He stomps on his wrist anyway and relishes in the snap of bone under his heavy boot.

The other two men stand on either side of him, waiting for an opportunity to strike. One of them gets in a vicious hit to his ribswhile the other tries to knock him off balance. Unsuccessful, they at rush him at the same time but Andrew quickly ducks and rolls before sweeping their legs out from underneath them. He kicks both of them relentlessly in the ribs until they curl in on themselves, unmoving.

He feels the blood run down his cheek and knows he must look feral right now as he pulls the knife from the first mans leg and delivers a vicious kick to his jaw. He doesn’t stop once the men are incapacitated, throwing everything he’s got into making sure they won’t be threats anymore. 

A hand grabs his shoulder and he wildly throws an elbow backwards. He turns to face his attacker and finds Nicky clutching his stomach and wheezing. All the fight rushes out of Andrew and the familiar numb feeling returns. He shakes out his split knuckles and offers a quiet apology. Nicky shoots him a weak thumbs up and leans against the counter to catch his breath.

The adrenaline leave his system as quickly as it had come, and he grabs onto a bar stool to keep himself upright. The cut on his face is bleeding steadily and his ribs scream as he sinks down to the floor in exhaustion.

“-rew? Are you okay?” Nicky asks frantically. 

Andrew waves a hand in his direction and gasps out “give me a minute.” He pulls himself up by the chair after a few moments and ignores the ringing in his ears.

Nicky stills as the other four occupants of the bar walk over, but Andrew stands protectively in front of him, knife in hand, silently daring any of them to attack. 

“Relax kid, we won’t hurt him. Just gotta take out the trash.” Andrew eyes them warily and relaxes when they each grab a man and drag them further away from the pair.

Nicky’s breathing has returned to normal, though he still looks thoroughly shaken. 

Nicky didn’t break his promise about telling his boss about his age, though he didn’t exactly get the chance to do so. Andrew is still on the fence about him when Nicky utters a quiet thank you. 

Most people would flinch away at the violence Andrew exhibited, yet Nicky doesn’t seem scared of him, only of the men that attacked him.

Nicky falters as he looks at the scene before them. “Should we call the cops?” Andrew immediately shakes his head and looks over to the men he’s come to see every night. 

One of them reassures Andrew that they’ll take them outside to wait and to cover for him if the cops are called. Andrew looks over in bewilderment and the same man smiles and says “kid, you’ll be fine. It’s their fault for being dicks and I doubt they’ll want to report getting their asses kicked by you anyway. But if they do, you have four witnesses that have your back.” 

Andrew nods to them in thanks as they walk outside. He grabs a clean rag and presses it to his face while moving around the bar to clean spilled drinks and blood off the floor. He briefly ducks beneath the counter to rummage through a first-aid kit and press a bandage to the cut. Nicky flits around restlessly until Andrew hands him another rag and points to the counter. They make quick work of the bar and Andrew snags another bottle of whiskey for his troubles before locking up.

As they begin walking Andrew scans the parking lot, finding only four motorcycles. He knows the regulars are decent enough to call a cab or walk home and any guilt he felt towards almost killing Nicky’s attackers vanishes. He throws a wave over his shoulder at the locals and turns to Nicky. 

“Are you the only one here or did Aaron come too?”

Nicky looks confused at the question but he replies “it’s just me.” 

Andrew nods and says “you can come back to the house then.” He wonders if he should mention Neil. 

Nicky’s impromptu dance distracts him from his thoughts and they quickly reach the house. Nicky raises his eyebrows at the unlocked door and they all but disappear into his hair at the sight of Neil sitting up and rubbing his eyes blearily. 

Neil’s eyes widen at the sight of Nicky and he scowls, half looking like he wants to run, half like he wants to fight him. 

“You’re late,” he says to Andrew. “Did you have to bring a guy here?” He mutters as an afterthought. 

Andrew rolls his eyes and Nicky exclaims “I’m his cousin!” He grins at Andrew and says “you should have led with the fact that you’re-“ Andrew elbows him for the second time that night and effectively ends Nicky’s sentence. 

Neil seems distracted anyway, and stands to make his way over the Andrew in the dim morning light. He presses a featherlight touch to Andrew’s bandaged cheek and asks “what happened?” 

Andrew grabs his sleeve and pulls him along to the kitchen sink where he holds his bloody knuckles under the water. 

Nicky follows them and says “some douchebags were going to, quote unquote, beat the gay out of me, and Andrew stepped in and beat the shit out of them instead! I mean can you believe that? He knows me for less than an hour and doesn’t even hesitate to protect me!”

Neil meets Andrew’s eyes and his expression turns unreadable. “I can believe it.” 

Neil then takes the time to look between them. “So you’re... cousins?” He asks skeptically. 

Nicky laughs. “I’ve been getting that one for a year now and it never gets old.”

Neil frowns in confusion and Nicky quickly fills him in on the backstory and Aaron’s existence. After a beat he turns away from Neil and peers around the room. 

“You live like this?” He asks the pair and Andrew fights to keep a scowl off his face. This is by far the best living situation he’s ever had, and by the look on Neil’s face, he’s not the only one. He voices this curtly and ignores Nicky’s protest of “but you have no furniture!”

Nicky walks back into the room at the front of the house and continues. “Where do you sleep?” 

He raises his eyebrows suggestively when Andrew points to the pile of blankets Neil was in earlier. 

“It’s not my fault he took mine,” Andrew defends, somewhat childishly.

Neil has the sense to look sheepish and admits “I fell asleep.” After a moment he adds “I’m usually over there,” with a point to the blankets across the room. 

Undeterred, Nicky asks “do you even have electricity? How do you charge your phones?”

Andrew mutters “work” and Neil nods in confirmation. 

Nicky takes a deep breath and says “I assume there’s no point in asking about school.” He groans dramatically when he’s met with matching shrugs and mutters “It’s fine, don’t freak out,” to himself. 

Andrew takes the time to place his stolen bottle of whiskey under the sink and is met with a scowl from Neil. He shrugs halfheartedly and moves to sit on the counter. Neil joins him seconds later and Nicky follows soon after. 

“Have you considered chairs?” Nicky asks. 

“We’ll get around to it,” Neil assures him. “You can sleep over there,” he adds, pointing to the blankets across from the door. 

Nicky nods and says “I’ll call Aaron in the morning and you guys can meet!”

Andrew isn’t looking forward to an awkward first encounter with his twin, but he doesn’t have much of a choice there. Nicky seems trustworthy enough and maybe that extends to Aaron as well. 

He hops off the counter and moves to the bathroom to change into some sweatpants and a shirt worn and soft from washing. His ribs still hurt and he’s sure they’ll bruise spectacularly, but they don’t seem broken as he prods around the injury.

Neil is still sitting on the counter when he returns from the bathroom. Once he sees Andrew approach he stands and moves to sit next to Andrew’s blanket nest. 

After seeing that Nicky is already fast asleep, Andrew slumps down next to Neil, almost cross-eyed with fatigue. He hooks their pinkies together on autopilot and feels a twinge in his chest when Neil smiles openly at him. Too tired to acknowledge it, he succumbs to the pull of unconsciousness almost immediately, trusting Neil to keep him safe as he sleeps.


	8. Starting Again

Neil wakes to find a nose pressed hard into his collarbone. He glances down and sees Andrew fast asleep against him, one hand curled into the front of his shirt. He’s close enough for Neil to count the freckles on his face, and he takes a moment to relish in the warm feeling that settles in his chest. 

He hears a quiet squeal and darts his eyes over to a now-awake Nicky. He isn’t sure what to make of him yet, but he doesn’t seem like a threat, and if Andrew trusts him enough to bring him back to the house, that’s good enough for Neil. Regardless, he shoots Nicky a glare and he quiets down quickly with a hushed apology. 

“How long have you been together?” Nicky whispers excitedly.

Neil shakes his head and stills when Andrew burrows his face into the crook of his neck. “We’re not. But he’s the only person I trust and he feels the same about me.” Nicky looks at him skeptically. “Just friends,” he reiterates.

“Friends,” Nicky echos, then snaps his fingers. “Oh, like gal pals?”

Neil wonders if he heard him incorrectly. “Neither of us are women,” he says slowly. 

“No, gal pals are when-“

“Nicky, I really don’t care,” Neil says bluntly, irritated with the turn the conversation has taken. If they talk any more, Andrew will definitely wake up. 

“We have a shower in the bathroom down the hall,” Neil adds pointedly. Nicky takes the hint and leaves the room. 

Neil waits until he can hear the shower running and takes one last glance at Andrew’s peaceful expression before saying his name. He’s a light enough sleeper that it doesn’t take much to wake him, and Neil’s voice eventually does the trick. 

Andrew slowly opens his eyes and takes in his surroundings before he releases Neil’s shirt and mutters an apology. He sits up and scans the room for Nicky, then relaxes as he hears the shower. 

“I don’t want to meet Aaron,” he admits. Neil silently agrees. They were fine with just the two of them, and within the span of a night Andrew has gained two family members. He selfishly hopes Aaron won’t answer when Nicky calls, then berates himself. Just because he’s fine with being alone doesn’t mean Andrew wants to be. 

Nicky exits the bathroom and says “oh good, you’re up!” Andrew glances at Neil as if to say ‘no shit,’ but he doesn’t reply. Nicky pushes on and says “it’s around twelve now and Aaron gets out of class at two.” 

“It’s three seventeen in South Carolina right now,” Andrew notes. 

Neil and Nicky frown at him. “You just happen to know the time zone South Carolina is in?” Neil asks. Andrew answers with an exaggerated shrug and a small wince that Nicky doesn’t seem to notice.

“Well we can call him now then! I’ll use Skype so you guys can see each other for your first conversation.” Andrew contrasts Nicky’s excitement with a bored expression as the call is made and Neil can’t help but catalogue all the differences between them. 

Aaron picks up on the second ring and says “I told you it wouldn’t work. When are you coming back?” Nicky beams and turns his phone towards Andrew. 

Andrew stares at the phone and seems like he’s not sure how to introduce himself. Nicky takes pity on him and says “this is Andrew! I found him working in a bar of all places and then...” Andrew starts to look distracted and Neil tunes out the conversation in favor of watching him instead. 

Andrew clenches his jaw and Neil forces himself to pay attention to what Aaron is saying. 

“After our mom died, Nicky took me in.” 

“Your mom,” Andrew cuts in to correct him. 

“My mom,” Aaron amends hesitantly, looking unsure of how to proceed. “But anyway, Nicky wanted us to take one of those tests to see how much DNA we share and then your name came up as a match so Nicky flew out there to look for you.” Aaron speaks in monotone but he’s not quite as good at concealing his emotions as Andrew is, and Neil can see a spark of excitement beneath his cool exterior. 

Eventually both twins go silent and don’t look like they’ll talk any time soon. Nicky tries to keep the conversation going and prompts “Aaron, why don’t you tell Andrew about some of the things you like.”

Aaron shrugs on the small screen and says “I mostly just do school stuff and video games. Sometimes me and Nicky play Exy,” he adds as an afterthought. 

Neil perks up at this and shoots Andrew a glance. Andrew rolls his eyes at his antics and asks “what positions do you play?”

Nicky and Aaron look surprised at his interest but they chorus “backliner” simultaneously, making Neil grin. 

Andrew looks like he’s done with the conversation but says “Neil has been wanting me to play for weeks now, even though we don’t have any equipment.”

Nicky brightens immediately and says “we should all play a game! What do you play?”

“Andrew can be goalie and I’ll play striker,” Neil offers. Even Aaron looks pleased at this, and the rest of the call is less stilted on both sides. They eventually end it with Nicky making plans to fly back to California with Aaron sometime within the next few weeks. 

Once Aaron hangs up, Nicky clasps his hands together and asks if either of them have work within the next few hours. Neil is off until the following day and Andrew doesn’t work until six, so they make plans to go to a local restaurant for lunch before Nicky has to catch his flight back. 

Once they arrive and order, Nicky turns to Andrew. “So how come you’re living alone?” He stares at his cousin blankly and Nicky amends “well of course you’re living with Neil, but neither of you have adult supervision.”

“I ran away from my last foster home and left Cass a note. Part of it asked her not to call social services on me. I’m sure she eventually did, but no one has found me yet.”

Nicky nods and looks like he’s going to ask why Andrew ran away, so Neil kicks him in the shin beneath the table. There’s no way Andrew doesn’t notice, but he chooses to stay silent as the waitress brings them their food. 

All conversation stalls at that point, and Andrew only speaks up again when the waitress returns to ask if they’d like dessert. He orders an ice cream sundae and once she’s gone he admits “It’s been years since I’ve had ice cream.” 

Nicky’s expression becomes subdued. “None of the families you were with bought ice cream for you?”

Andrew shrugs. “I never asked for any. When I was twelve and first moved in to the last home, Cass bought some for us as a treat but I didn’t eat any so she assumed I didn’t like it after that.”

“You ran away after living with the Spears’ for four years?” Nicky questions, and Andrew’s eyes go hard. 

Neil butts in “I never really liked ice cream.” His comment has the intended effect as Andrew and Nicky turn to stare at him. He shrugs and says “it’s too sweet,” as an explanation. 

The waitress comes back with the sundae, complete with a smiley face comprised of cherries and chocolate chips atop whipped cream. Andrew wordlessly plucks the cherries from the sundae and puts them on Neil’s empty plate. He finishes about half the sundae before pushing it Nicky’s way, who then demolishes the rest. 

Nicky thankfully pays the bill and launches a GPS app on his phone before walking in the opposite direction of the house. It’s only four thirty, so after exchanging a glance with Andrew, they follow him to what ends up being a public library. 

“Have either of you given any thought to continuing with school to get your diplomas?” When neither of them answer, Nicky presses on and says “you don’t have to, but a high school diploma opens up a lot of opportunities that you might not have in the future without one.”

“I’m technically a couple years ahead right now,” Neil says. “My mom used to homeschool me but I haven’t worked on anything since I came to California.”

“That’s perfect, you’d be in Aaron’s grade then since he skipped a grade when he was younger. Andrew, I’m sure it wouldn’t be too difficult for you to catch up! I can talk to Aaron’s school about enrolling both of you virtually to finish the year.“

Neil hasn’t thought ahead to what he might do once he turns eighteen, and he’s fairly certain that Andrew is in the same boat. 

“I guess it couldn’t hurt,” he hedges, and Andrew surprises them both with a nod. 

“Great! I’ll go ahead and give the school a call next week and you should be able to use the computers at the library as long as you have headphones. I’ll try to do lectures at around ten my time so I guess that’ll be seven for you guys.” 

With both their nods, Nicky grins and says “I’m already so proud.” He checks his phone and promises to walk them to the bar before Andrew’s shift starts. 

It’s a long walk but they spend the time exchanging contact information and schedules, and Neil is half-surprised to find that Nicky wants to stay in touch with both of them, not just his cousin. 

“Don’t give me that look, Neil, you’re acting like you’ve never had a friend before!” Neil doesn’t bother telling him that Andrew is his first, and rattles off the number to his cellphone. 

They arrive at the bar and Nicky turns to Andrew solemnly. “Please don’t get into any fights.” 

Andrew frowns and says “I don’t like that word, don’t use it.”

Nicky takes this in stride and says “just stay safe, kiddo. If those guys come back tonight, call the cops this time.” Andrew agrees and Neil wonders if Nicky can tell that he’s lying. He doesn’t seem to, and gives both of them a joyful wave before heading out of the parking lot. 

Andrew checks his watch and sits down on the curb to have a cigarette. He glances at Neil when he sits as well, and says “I don’t need you to fight for me.”

“If I don’t, who will? And don’t tell me you will, I know how little you care about your own safety.”

Andrew doesn’t have a response for him and blows smoke at his face instead. Neil steals the cigarette from his hand in retaliation and holds it between his lips. 

Andrew looks at him in surprise, face still red from the long walk, and pushes into the bar a few minutes before six. Neil snuffs out the cigarette and hurries after him, watching as he greets the few people sitting at the bar by name. He quickly makes them their drinks without pausing for them to order, and makes Neil a strawberry lemonade as he sits. The men at the bar glance at him for a moment, making Neil’s skin crawl, but they turn away to start a conversation just as quickly. 

Neil gets bored after a few hours, and is almost asleep at the bar when a man comes storming in. 

“A.J.!” Neil recognizes the voice and identifies the man as Andrew’s boss. “If you keep stealing whiskey I’m going to have to fire you, I don’t care if no one else will work this shift!”

Andrew gives him a mocking version of the salute he usually reserves for Neil and after he exits, mutters “wait ‘till he finds out about the ladder.” 

Neil snorts and props his chin on his arms to watch Andrew make a complicated-looking cocktail. He places it in front of the man with graying hair and cowboy boots and raises his eyebrows when he slaps down a one hundred dollar bill onto the counter. 

“I’ll buy a couple bottles of whiskey from this fine establishment,” he says with a grin. “Dealer’s choice, and you can go ahead and pocket the rest of the cash.”

Neil is immediately suspicious, and his worries only increase when Andrew sets the bottles down in front of him, only for him to say “go on and take the whiskey too, kid.” 

Andrew looks appropriately skeptical at this and the man says “all of us know your boss is a jackass and you’ve had a rough last couple of shifts.” He motions at the square bandage not quite masking the bruising covering Andrew’s face. Andrew doesn’t dispute the man’s argument and makes change for the bill before stuffing half of it into the register. 

His customers take this time to make their leave, but not before leaving tips on the table and giving Andrew a wave. Andrew starts wiping down the counter and Neil shoves the bottles into his duffle bag. 

They make their way back home and Neil can’t help but wish that they could stay in this moment, alone and sleep-deprived, but maybe just a little bit hopeful for the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Andrew just found out about his family but Aaron and Nicky have known about him for weeks. Nicky has said “your brother” or “my cousin” about eight hundred times in that time span so Aaron is more comfortable with the idea of having a brother than Andrew is. This is also why he phrased it as “our mom” instead of “my mom,” even though Andrew has technically never met Tilda.


	9. Fire and the Flood

A few months have passed since they had met Nicky, and Neil finds that he’s actually looking forward to seeing him and Aaron. Andrew’s birthday and Christmas had came quietly without celebration, neither of them used to festivities. They had both worked on Christmas, and after Neil’s shift he ended up at the bar with Andrew, who was unhappily sporting a Santa’s hat as he served drinks to the crowded bar.

A surprise visit from Nicky’s fiancé and conflicting schedules between the four of them had prevented Nicky and Aaron flying out to California, though Nicky promises to see them before January ends.

After his boss told him he’s starting to become more trouble than he’s worth, Andrew has began covering twelve hour shifts again. Neil is pretty sure that he wouldn’t actually fire him, but Andrew seemed to take his words to heart and stops stealing to boot. Neil wonders how often he’s heard the warning before in his life and decides he doesn’t want to know. 

On a brighter note, Andrew’s boss has started giving him one day a week off in exchange for his extra hours, and Neil has already scheduled off for one the following week so that they can spend it together.

Two bottles of the whiskey Andrew procured sit unopened under the sink, the third half-gone. Neil doesn’t have anything against drinking since he has nothing to hide, but he also doesn’t want to see Andrew spiral again if he can help it.

On one of their weekly Skype calls Nicky promises to schedule off a few days in the following week when he goes into work that night. He also excitedly lets them know that Aaron’s school has approved their online learning and that he’d be happy to start as soon as possible. 

Neil thinks they’ve settled into a good routine within the few months that they’ve lived together, and Nicky’s tutoring messes it up with startling efficiency. Andrew already wasn’t getting enough sleep, and with his added hours at work and lessons beginning at seven, he’s forced to learn while exhausted. His studies don’t suffer, though, and Neil knows it’s hard for Nicky to read Andrew when he’s only met him once, so of course he doesn’t notice any changes. 

The tutoring goes on for weeks, Andrew making perfect marks and Neil hating the writing assignments with a passion he usually reserves for vegetables. 

They stumble into a new routine, with Andrew leaving the bar and returning at four thirty. In theory Andrew should take a nap before they begin the hour-long walk to the library. Instead, he uses the time to talk with Neil about topics ranging from horrible customers to the book they’re supposed to be reading that week, shrinking his window of rest even further. 

After they finish listening to Nicky and complete their assignments, it’s usually close to ten in the morning, and it’s not until eleven that they make it back to the house. Neil has permanently switched to afternoon shifts to offset this, knowing that they both feel safer to sleep when the other is present. 

Andrew crashes almost immediately lately. Sometimes he’ll be in the middle of a sentence and trail off, only to flop his head onto Neil’s shoulder, dead to the world. Neil can’t bring himself to mind being used as a pillow, and the impromptu naps fill him with warmth,  _ safe_, _ safe_, _ safe_, echoing in his head. 

Andrew is quiet on their walk to the library, eyes downcast as he watches the pavement in front of them. Once they’re there, Andrew listens to their most recent lesson with his eyes glazed over in boredom. Nicky finally takes pity on him and ends early after Andrew zones out enough to not register that he’s being asked a question. Neil is suddenly glad that Andrew’s day off is today, and hopes he’ll be able to catch up on some sleep tonight. 

Andrew gets a head start and falls asleep in front of the computer moments later. Neil is tired enough that he soon follows, head dipping to rest on Andrew’s. 

He’s jolted awake when pain bursts in his arm, and he opens his eyes to see Andrew in the corner, back against the wall with hazy eyes. Neil immediately feels awful for startling him and slowly moves to sit in front of Andrew, who is quietly muttering the word no. 

When he doesn’t meet his eyes, Neil says “Andrew, can you hear me?” He thinks back to their first encounter and adds “you’re at the library with me right now. You’re not back at that house. It’s Neil and we just finished listening to Nicky talk for an hour and I would never hurt you.” 

“Neil,” he whispers, voice rough.

Andrew’s eyes start to gain more clarity and Neil is close enough to notice the heat radiating off of him. “Can I feel your forehead? I think you have a fever.” Andrew shrugs halfheartedly and Neil asks “Andrew, yes or no?”

Andrew nods but keeps his eyes on Neil, silently cataloguing his movements. His forehead feels much warmer than it should and Neil instantly knows that his lack of sleep has caught up to him. 

“I’m not sick,” he mumbles to Neil’s unspoken observation, but his argument is weakened as he closes his eyes and leans into the hand resting on his forehead. 

Neil calls out of work then and there and stands, reaching a hand out to help Andrew up. He takes his hand, a testament to how poorly he’s feeling, and they begin their walk home. It takes about twice as long when Neil matches Andrew’s slow pace, and once they’re inside Andrew drags his blankets to the small patch of sun by the window and collapses into the pile. 

Neil goes into the kitchen to grab a couple water bottles to place next to Andrew. By the time he settles down at the wall opposite of him, Andrew is already asleep. 

A few hours later Neil gets a text from Nicky asking if Andrew is alright. Neil replies ‘sick’ and immediately powers off his phone to return to the book he’s been reading for class.

Nicky must text Andrew too, because he blearily rubs his eyes and pulls his phone out of his pocket. He taps a quick message to his cousin and wanders over to Neil, who has already set his book down.

“Are you feeling any better?” He asks, not expecting much. Andrew’s hair is sticking up in every direction and the bags under his eyes are even more pronounced than usual. He gives Neil a shrug and looks over to the book Neil had discarded. 

Neil glowers at it and says “I think the only thing I’ll dislike more about this book is writing a paper about it.” 

Andrew settles down next to him and picks up the book, skimming the top line of the page Neil had dog-eared before placing it on the floor again. 

It isn’t until he starts reciting the book word for word that Neil realizes Andrew has an eidetic memory. Neil files the information away for later and finds that he actually does enjoy the book once he doesn’t have to read it himself. 

When Andrew pauses in the middle of a sentence to have a coughing fit, Neil asks “do you think you’ll be able to go back to sleep? I can leave if you want.”

Andrew shakes his head and Neil almost misses the quiet “stay” he mumbles. 

Neil thinks back to the last time he was sick, but all he remembers was his mother carding her fingers through his hair as he tried to fall asleep. He’s pretty sure it helped him feel better and voices his idea. Andrew looks halfway to unconscious, but he nods at Neil and goes boneless as he gently maneuvers him until his head is resting in his lap. 

Andrew looks more content than he has in weeks as Neil runs his fingers through his hair in random patterns. He doesn’t immediately fall asleep, though he must be exhausted, and says “I don’t want to hurt you again.” 

“I would get punched a hundred times today if it meant you would feel better,” Neil says seriously. Andrew hums noncommittally but doesn’t make an effort to get up, so Neil continues playing with his hair. 

“We should get a car,” Andrew says, eyes still closed.

“We might want to invest in some furniture first,” Neil replies, though he thinks of the cash sitting unused in his folder. 

“Okay,” Andrew agrees and a few minutes later he presses his face into Neil’s stomach. Neil counts the seconds until his breathing evens out and silently vows to stay for as long as he needs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has no substance!


	10. 400 Lux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More mentions of Drake and Andrew’s past abuse.

A few days have passed since Andrew had been sick, and he and Neil are discussing the zombie apocalypse on their way to a furniture store just outside town. Their plan is so detailed and ridiculous that it passes the time as they walk, and Andrew finds that he doesn’t mind thinking about survival when the scenario is fictional. 

They plan to meet at the house, steal a car, and make their way to an airport to switch vehicles. After that, they decide to find weapons and travel to San Francisco to hide out at Alcatraz. Andrew amends the plan to text Nicky and Aaron about their location once they’re on the road, and Neil adds that they should take turns going into town in pairs for supplies. 

Their discussion is cut short as they enter the store, and a too-energetic salesman greets them immediately. Andrew makes eye contact with him and wordlessly pulls Neil by his sleeve in the opposite direction. The salesman takes the hint and makes himself scarce as they wander over to the chairs.

They’ve spent some time researching and Andrew has his eyes set on an oversized circular chair that can easily fit two people. Neil is more practical and finds a small couch that they can put against the wall facing the front door. The only fucking color it comes in is pumpkin orange and Neil must have no taste because he loves it. Andrew’s wildly overpriced chair is charcoal gray and he supposes it matches the couch, even if it’s going to make their house look a little like it’s Halloween-themed. 

It’s not like they have people over anyway, and Andrew isn’t going to deny Neil any happiness, even if it comes in the form of an obnoxiously couch. He tells him so, and Neil smiles so openly at Andrew that his heart hurts. 

He distracts himself by picking out some cheap stools for their kitchen, and briefly considers taking some from the bar instead. They really only have the four regulars for Andrew’s shift, though it must be somewhat busy during the day for them to stay in business. That, or it’s a front for the mob. 

He tables the idea and circles back to find Neil still sitting on that awful couch. Andrew flops down next to him and has to admit it’s much more comfortable than a pile of blankets on the floor. Neither of them are much for the finer things in life, and it’s ultimately unsurprising that it took them this long to furnish their home. 

They spend a ridiculous amount of cash on furniture and the man who greeted them looks downright giddy as he tells them when to expect the delivery. 

They go grocery shopping next in the same town as the furniture store, and Neil picks up a box of hair dye remover before they leave. 

Andrew runs a hand through his hair at the familiarity of the town’s layout and says “we’re making a detour.”

They walk for what feels like hours until they finally reach a police station two towns over. Neil glances at him curiously as he transfers the knives from his right armband to his left, but doesn’t say anything as they enter the station. Andrew walks up to the front desk and says “Andrew Doe. I’m here to speak to someone about Drake Spear.”

He sits down on a chair in the waiting room next to Neil. 

“Are you sure you’re okay with me-“ Neil’s question is cut off as Andrew levels him a glare.

“I brought you here, didn’t I? Don’t ask stupid questions.” Neil doesn’t seem to have an answer for that, so they sit quietly until the woman at the front desk calls Andrew’s name. 

They’re ushered into a small room and Andrew immediately pegs the mirror as a one-way window.

After the first question Neil is visibly seething, but he keeps his mouth shut for once as Andrew replies.

“Just to be clear,” Andrew begins, his voice perfectly flat, “you are asking me why I did not defend myself when I was both twelve and not even five feet tall.”

The cop grimaces and says “never mind. But what about when you were older? You waited four years before telling anyone.”

Neil opens his mouth and Andrew knows he miscalculated about him being quiet. 

“Have you ever heard of learned helplessness, Officer? Or victim blaming? Do you know anything about basic psychology or people in general? Whoever sent you to interview Andrew is clearly almost as incompetent as you are and needs to be fired alongside you.”

The cop scrubs his face with his hand in resignation. “Look, I’m not saying I don’t believe you. But I’ve known Drake and Cass for years and it’s just unexpected.”

Neil spits out “well let’s give the pedophile and rapist the benefit of the doubt since you know him so fucking well.”

The officer sighs and starts again. “So the first time it happened was when you were twelve?” Andrew fights the urge to scowl at the cop’s word choice and figures this will go faster if he matches it.

“The first time that Drake did was when I was twelve,” Andrew corrects. “The first time it happened at all was when I was seven, but I’m not going to talk about that with you.”

Out of the corner of his eye Andrew can see Neil digging red crescents into his palms with his fingernails. He grabs the closer hand and squeezes to get his point across. Neil clings to him and shoves his other hand under his thigh.

“Do you think that-“

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re about to say, but I suggest you don’t,” Neil says coldly.

Andrew knows this conversation is going to keep circling and resorts to a last ditch effort. He releases Neil’s hand and peels off his right armband, shoving his scarred wrist in front of the cop. 

“You have my testimony and you have proof that he made my life a living hell for years. If you don’t believe me that’s on you, but there better not be any more goddamn kids in that house. We’re leaving.” He pulls his band back on and drags Neil with him out the door before he can gut the interviewer in front of witnesses.

“I fucking hate cops,” Andrew grits out. He wordlessly distributes the extra knives until the weight feels equal in both of his armbands again. Neil is still fuming so Andrew grabs a couple cigarettes and sits down on the curb outside a coffee shop across the street. 

They sit in silence, and Neil actually takes a drag every once in a while, clenching his free hand into and out of a fist. Andrew hadn’t planned on doing this today, and feels slightly guilty at ruining their day off. He knows Neil won’t accept his apology and doesn’t bother wasting his breath.

He stands and holds his hands out to Neil, who takes them and lets Andrew pull him to his feet. They walk inside the coffee shop and Andrew orders a mint chocolate chip milkshake for himself. The woman at the counter looks at Neil for his order so he scans the menu briefly before choosing a strawberry sorbet in the smallest size. 

They bring their desserts on the walk home, and Andrew finds that it goes by quicker this time around. 

Once they get through the front door, Andrew hops onto the counter while Neil retreats to the shower. He comes out thirty minutes later, hair dripping and noticeably more red. 

Neil walks into the living room and slides down against the wall. He looks at Andrew expectantly, so he sits cross-legged next to him. 

“Can we do another round of our game? I can’t stop thinking about how much I hate that guy.”

Andrew doesn’t have a lot of secrets left to give, but there’s really only one he wants to tell Neil. 

“I’m gay,” Andrew says casually, hoping his heart isn’t pounding nearly as loud as he thinks it is. 

“I don’t swing,” Neil says automatically, then frowns. Andrew silently wills himself to fall through the floorboards so they don’t have to continue this conversation, but the universe remains cruel to him.

He glances back at Neil to see his eyebrows furrowed in consideration. 

“I- I don’t actually know if that’s true.” Neil admits as he brings his eyes up from the floor to meet Andrew’s. 

“I’ve kissed girls before but I never really liked them or kissing itself so I don’t really know how to feel about it,” he says like Andrew’s not about to spontaneously combust in front of him. 

He scoots closer to Andrew and faces him so that their knees touch. “Yes or no?” He asks hesitantly. 

Andrew scowls and says no, that he’s not going to kiss him if he doesn’t want it and if he doesn’t know that about him by now then Andrew doesn’t know what to think. 

Neil, the dumbass that he is, says “I just want to see if I’m right.” 

Andrew frowns and looks into his eyes, only to find sincerity. He grabs the collar of Neil’s jacket and leans in, giving him a second to back away. He meets him in the middle instead and then they’re kissing and all Andrew can think is  _ finally. _

Neil breaks off the kiss after a few moments and says “I was wrong,” offhandedly. Andrew’s stomach drops and then Neil looks at him and grins. “I definitely swing for you.”

“I hate you,” Andrew mutters. 

“No you don’t,” Neil answers and Andrew is inclined to agree.

“Wait, shit, you do like me, right? Fuck, I didn’t even ask.”

Andrew kisses him again in answer, wrapping his hands into the fabric of his shirt. Neil’s hair drips water onto them both, and as Andrew pulls back, he sees that Neil is sitting on his hands. He tugs at them and carefully places them into his hair. “Just here,” he says, and Neil nods. 

They resume where they left off, neither of them very practiced but both eager to make up for lost time. They eventually part, breathing hard, and Neil looks at him like he’s hung the sun, the moon, and all the stars. 

“I’m not your answer,” Andrew warns, and forces himself to look away. A thought reaches his mind and he groans. “Nicky is going to be a nightmare.”

“He asked me if we were gal pals the night we met,” Neil says in bewilderment. 

When Andrew looks at him in confusion, Neil adds “I don’t know either.”

“I think he knew though, even before I did. I’ve never actually liked anyone before you so it was hard for me to figure out what I was feeling until we kissed,” he admits. “But I do like you,” he states. “So, so much.”

They kiss until Neil’s hair dries, and then they kiss some more after that. 

Neil jumps as Andrew’s phone rings to interrupt them. Andrew waits until they’ve both caught their breath before accepting the call and pressing the speaker-phone button. 

“Hey, is Neil with you?” Nicky asks. 

“Yes,” Neil chimes in. 

“Oh, good. Neither of you answered when I called for the lesson earlier today, but no worries! You two deserve a day off anyway. I scheduled my and Aaron’s flight for this Friday, so we’ll see you guys then!”

“We were furniture shopping earlier and that’s the same day of the delivery.”

“Great! We can help you bring the stuff in then. My shift is about to start but I’ll text you guys the flight details later.”

Andrew ends the call and tosses his phone onto his blankets. 

“So,” Neil grins. “You like me.”

Andrew fights the urge to roll his eyes and stands. Neil links his pinky with Andrew’s and they walk to the grocery store. They stay that way until they leave, two glass bottles of orange juice in their free hands. 

Andrew looks at him as they walk and thinks  _ home_, thinks _ safe_, thinks _ Neil_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally get to update the tags to include Andreil:)


	11. Die Happy

Even when their lives are looking up, it’s not all perfect. Andrew has woken up on several occasions throughout the months they’ve lived here to find Neil sitting at the door with his duffle bag at his side. Most times it’s enough for him to sit quietly next to Neil as he resists the urge to run, other times they walk aimlessly through the small town until he’s ready to turn back.

Once, he thinks he sees one of his father’s men outside the bar. It takes Andrew most of the night to calm him down, and they spend enough hours walking that his feet hurt the next day. 

He tells Andrew about some of the places he’d been in Europe, and of the different languages he speaks, only to find out that they both speak German. Andrew lists something about a foster-family speaking the same language when he was younger, but doesn’t have much else to say on the matter.

Instead, they trade more secrets. Neil talks about his father for the first time since he’d revealed his identity, and starts to reveal his real name when Andrew stops him.

“Neil Josten is the only name that matters,” he says simply, like that’s all there is to it. And maybe it is.

They both still have panic attacks, sometimes over seemingly random triggers, but they’re getting better at figuring out what they need from each other. After a particularly bad one that leaves Neil shaking, he asks out of the blue “you know how cats pile on top of each other sometimes?” He probably sounds insane, but all Andrew does is glance up and motion for him to continue. 

“Could we maybe try that? I felt really safe when you fell asleep on me the first night we met Nicky. I think it might ground me better when stuff like this happens but if you’re not comfortable doing it...” he trails off uncertainly.

Andrew spends a moment considering and asks “you’ll say no if you want me to stop?” Neil nods and lays down in the blanket nest Andrew usually inhabits. 

Andrew lays down close to him and hesitantly shifts until he’s fully on top of Neil and hugging his middle. Neil lets out a content sigh and closes his eyes with a small smile on his face.

Andrew lets the tension bleed out of his body, head resting just over his heart. They don’t talk much after that, and Neil finds that he doesn’t mind the comfortable silence as the thoughts of his past ebb away.

Nicky and Aaron’s flight lands in a few hours, so they stay that way until a loud car horn startles them. Neil glowers as Andrew climbs off of him, but he feels less panicked than he had earlier, so he counts it as a success. 

They slowly creep to the window to investigate and then realize that it’s just the delivery man. He looks slightly skeptical at the two of them, and Neil reassures him that they’ll have help moving the furniture in soon. 

With the variety of furniture now sitting in their yard, Neil takes a running jump and hurls himself onto the couch. He sees Andrew’s unimpressed stare and sticks out his tongue. 

“It was the only color they had, okay? So what if it’s orange, it is by far the most comfortable couch I’ve ever sat on and I’m willing to bet it is for you too,” he defends.

Andrew raises his hands in surrender and retreats inside the house before returning with their drinks. They’ve been going out at night more and more often now, and they usually have at least one or two bottles of juice hidden in a cabinet somewhere. Neil takes the orange juice with a smile and says “now we can match.” He clinks his glass against Andrew’s and scoots over so he can sit next to him.

They both took off of work for the next couple of days in case Nicky and Aaron decide to stay longer, though Andrew’s boss was unhappy about the matter. Andrew revealed to Neil that he had almost told him where he could shove his empty threats, but he’d ultimately held his tongue. Neil probably would have told him if he were there, though part of him is glad that he didn’t unnecessarily sabotage Andrew’s job.

It’s then that a second car honk jolts them from their places, and Neil turns his head to see a shiny convertible park next to their unused mailbox. Nicky is as cheerful as ever, and Aaron looks grouchier in person, though it could be due to how tangled his hair is as he tries unsuccessfully to smooth it down. 

They exit the car and Aaron’s first words to his brother in person are “you know the furniture is supposed to go inside the house.”

Andrew is decidedly unimpressed. “I thought we’d switch it up and live outside instead.” It’s not really funny but Aaron grins all the same and goes to help Nicky empty the car.

Neil immediately brightens as he finds that they’ve brought Exy equipment, complete with a small, portable goal. 

Nicky smiles right alongside Neil and hands him a racquet. “This is one of Aaron’s extras so it’ll probably be a little short, but it should do the trick.”

They make quick work of disposing the equipment into the overgrown backyard and head back to the front to deal with the furniture. It takes some effort but they eventually get the couch and the oversized circular chair into the living room. They end up placing the couch against the back wall facing the door where Neil usually sleeps, and the chair is moved to the corner near the window. 

Nicky leans against the wall in satisfaction and says “let’s get some music in here! Do you have a speaker?” Andrew wordlessly holds up his flip phone and Neil breaks into a smile. 

“I’ll take that as a no then,” Nicky says good-naturedly and pulls Aaron out the door, rapidly listing what sounds like band names for approval.

Neil turns to Andrew once they leave and hooks their pinkies together. “I didn’t exactly have time to keep up with that kind of thing on the run,” Neil admits, and Andrew nods in agreement. 

“None of my foster families listened to music very much besides Cass. She liked pop music,” he says with a frown and Neil silently notes to avoid the genre.

Nicky and Aaron return after an hour with two messily wrapped packages that Neil suspects took up most of their time. “Happy late birthday, Andrew. I know it’s January now, so I guess this can count as a Christmas present for both of you guys too.”

He turns to Neil and asks “when’s your birthday?”

It’s actually tomorrow but Neil says “for legal purposes it’s in March.”

Nicky laughs. “I’ve got some time then,” he says and hands Andrew the gifts.

Andrew passes the smaller one off to Neil to unwrap and tears into the first to show a box boasting the image of a speaker. Neil hands him the now-unwrapped iPod and Nicky jokes “that one was my old one so don’t feel too bad about not getting me anything. On the bright side, I have excellent music taste.” Aaron’s expression doesn’t reassure Neil of his taste in music, but Andrew quietly thanks Nicky for the gifts. 

Nicky looks like he wants to hug him but instead busies himself with connecting the iPod to the speaker. “Aaron and I made a playlist in the car of songs we both like.”

Neither of them have any idea where to start with genres to listen to. Andrew tells this to Nicky and his eyes get wide with something that looks like pity mixed with excitement. He messes with the iPod again and asks “is there anything you want to stay away from?” 

Neil nods and tells him pop music, ignoring the weight of Andrew’s eyes on him. Nicky looks halfway to scandalized, but he eventually agrees and tells them the songs are mostly alternative rock anyway. Once he finishes updating the list, he pushes a button on the speaker and music begins to play. 

Neil doesn’t like every song that comes on, but he does admit that the music makes it more pleasant to assemble the cheap barstools they bought for the kitchen. He catches Andrew tapping his foot to a song and tries to commit it to memory, if just to play it again later. 

Andrew rummages around the kitchen and returns with a bottle of whiskey and some of the glass orange juice bottles they’ve taken to keeping around the house.

Nicky cheers and Neil doesn’t miss the way Aaron perks up at the sight of the alcohol. Andrew either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care, because he sets the bottle on the floor and sits down next to it. The others follow shortly after so Neil gives up and sits next to Andrew, who is pouring shots into the bottles. 

Nicky and Aaron each take them in quick succession, and Andrew and Neil follow suit. Neil declines a fifth shot of the cheap whiskey but Andrew pours him one anyway and downs it himself. There’s no reason for Neil not to drink around Andrew, but he still doesn’t trust himself around the other two boys. By Aaron’s seventh shot his reaction time has slowed, and Nicky is far louder than he’d been earlier by his ninth. 

“How are you not drunk?” Nicky squawks. “You’re seventeen for fuck’s sake, who’s letting you drink regularly?” 

“I’ve been in foster care my whole life, I haven’t exactly had supervision twenty-four seven.” The alcohol must be affecting Andrew more than he lets on, because he hooks his pinky finger with Neil’s and plainly states “when I was ten one of my foster moms figured out I’d be quiet when she hit me if she put some alcohol in my drink at dinner. I eventually ran away from that home but by then the damage was done.” 

Aaron nods in understanding, and Neil figures his life probably hasn’t been all that wonderful either. Andrew doesn’t miss it either, and flicks a considering glance at his brother.

Nicky promptly bursts into loud sobs at the admission. Andrew shoots Neil a panicked look, unsure of what to do. Neil mouths ‘don’t look at me’ like the traitor he is and walks a few feet away. 

Aaron clumsily pats him on the shoulder and glares at Andrew, who stares back unflinchingly.

He mutters “maybe it’s because I work at a bar,” unconvincingly, and Nicky gives him a watery smile. 

“I just wish I’d known about you sooner so I could help.” He turns to Aaron and adds “both of you.” He looks back at Andrew and asks “how would you feel about coming to South Carolina?” 

At their matching frowns he says “you guys don’t have to decide now, but you could enroll in Aaron’s school for the rest of your senior year, maybe even join the Exy team if you want.”

Andrew glances at Neil to gauge his reaction but says nothing in reply to his cousin. Nicky nods in finality and announces “dibs on the couch,” before stumbling over and flopping onto it face-down. Andrew points Aaron to the round chair and grabs the whiskey and the empty bottles to put away.

Neil grabs their blankets and follows him to the sink, and then over to the cabinet as he shoves the bottles in haphazardly. Andrew scoops up the blankets from his arms and walks out the back door.

“You are not going to the roof.” When he doesn’t receive an answer, Neil crosses his arms. 

“Andrew.”

Andrew gives him an amused look and climbs the ladder with the ease of someone who is not ten shots in and holding at least six blankets. Neil rolls his eyes at his stubbornness and climbs up the ladder behind him anyway. 

“When I was on the run and I got hurt my mom would give me alcohol to numb the pain,” Neil says, somewhat to even out their truth game but mostly because he just wants Andrew to know. Andrew accepts it without comment, and spreads the blankets out on the roof to lay on.

It’s not quite eleven yet and Neil knows that they’ll both be awake for a while, as they usually are on their days off. He can’t bring himself to mind though, as they lay on the roof and look up at the stars. 

He turns to look over at Andrew, and for once he doesn’t complain about Neil’s expression and instead stares right back. The warm, happy feeling he’s been getting used to lately is back, and he shuffles closer until he can lean his head on Andrew’s shoulder. It’s kind of an uncomfortable position laying down, but all he feels is contentment when Andrew rests his head on top of Neil’s. 

Andrew wishes him a happy birthday once it turns midnight and they kiss to celebrate. 

In the past, the only way he could think to describe kissing was detached. He’d kissed girls because it’s what he thought he was supposed to do, and didn’t really care either way about it. 

Kissing Andrew is nothing like that. 

Andrew kisses like he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, like he thinks Neil will leave and this is the last kiss they’ll have. Neil kisses him back with the same intensity, hoping Andrew will be able to hear the words he can’t say. 

They stay on the roof until the sun begins to rise, and Neil thinks not for the first time about how lucky he is to have stumbled upon this seemingly insignificant town.


	12. A World Alone

Andrew and Neil walk back into the house together, and Neil is surprised to find Nicky awake. He gives them a skeptical once-over. 

“Did you even sleep? You both look half-dead.”

Neil mutters “thanks, Nicky,” and reaches past him to grab a bottle of water. Andrew rummages around in a cabinet before tossing a bottle of pain relievers at Nicky, and breathes out a laugh when it clatters to the ground loudly. 

Neil keeps his smile to himself and turns at the creaking floorboard behind him to find Aaron blinking groggily at them. Nicky hands two pills to him and frowns when he swallows them dry. 

“Scale of one to ten, how hungover are you?” Neil asks, semi-serious. 

“Three.”

“Two,” adds Aaron. 

“I’m not playing Exy at six in the morning,” Andrew says, reading right through Neil’s nonchalance. “Breakfast first.”

Since bread and Nutella is apparently ‘horrifying’ and ‘kind of sad’ according to their guests, they decide to walk down to one of the two places in town that serve breakfast. Nicky chooses one at random and they’re immediately seated as the walk in. 

Andrew ends up ordering Nutella waffles out of spite with more chocolate on them then should be legal, so Neil settles for stealing his scrambled eggs in exchange for some of his hash browns. 

Aaron looks at the waffles in disgust as he eats his plain pancakes. Nicky reaches over and takes a bite of them and nods in approval. He scrapes some of his omelette onto Andrew’s plate, who in turn puts it right back onto Neil’s. 

The whole thing is so strangely normal that Neil has to pause for a moment. Andrew notices and taps his leg with his boot in question, so Neil shakes his head minutely and keeps eating. Nicky foots the bill, and they walk back to the house in higher spirits. 

The Exy net doesn’t take long to set up, and Nicky shows him some videos outlining the basics of the striker position. Once he’s got it mostly down, Nicky turns to Andrew who answers with a flat stare. 

“I’m going to block the goal with this racquet, I don’t think there’s much else to it.” Nicky shrugs in agreement and moves to the far end of the yard with Neil. He decided earlier that he’d act as a referee until Andrew and Neil got the hang of it, but he changes his mind quickly as the game begins. 

Andrew is a natural in goal, and though Neil hasn’t played in years, he picks it up again fairly quickly. It doesn’t help against Andrew, though, who blocks every shot and begins aiming the ball at Nicky’s feet. He soon gets the point and acts as another striker, not that it does much good. 

Aaron gets frustrated after a while and whips around to stare incredulously at his brother. “I thought you hadn’t played before,” he accuses. 

Andrew levels a bored stare at him. “I haven’t. But it’s not exactly rocket science. Use the net, block the ball.”

Aaron glowers at him and moves over to where Nicky and Neil stand. They then all three begin shooting on the net, and Aaron throws his fist in the air when he’s the only one to make a goal. 

“Maybe I should have been a striker.” He grins and ducks as the ball is aimed back at his face. He then turns to Neil and grudgingly admits “you’re pretty good for not playing in years.”

Andrew steps out of the small goal and Nicky says “I wonder how you’d be on a real court.” Neil fills with longing, then mentally berates himself.

They move inside and the four of them settle in at the counter. It doesn’t take long for Nicky to circle back to his offer from the night before.

“Have you given any more thought to South Carolina? I checked your progress and you’d both be able to start up in February or March if you kept at the pace you’re completing your work now.” 

He frowns. “You’ll probably miss senior prom though unless you start soon. The year ends mid-May and spring break is at the end of April. Exy season goes until the week before spring break as long as the team qualifies, and it can’t hurt to try out.”

Andrew ignores all this and says “we just got furniture.”

Nicky laughs and assures them that they can bring it to the house if they’d like to. 

Neil grabs his duffle bag and goes to the front door, muttering that he needs a minute. Andrew follows and sits down beside him on the front porch. 

“What do you think?” Andrew asks, and Neil can’t find any judgment in his tone. 

“I don’t want to run anymore,” Neil admits. “But there’s more to my father being the Butcher of Baltimore.” 

“Kevin Day, Riko Moriyama, and I all witnessed my father kill a man by cutting him into tiny pieces.” Neil pulls the binder out of his bag and hands it to Andrew, who flips through it casually.

“That’s a lot of cash for someone who works thirty hours a week,” Andrew says, completely ignoring his earlier statement.

“It’s for emergencies,” Neil defends. “I can pay you back for the chair if you want.”

Andrew rolls his eyes. “We’re getting off topic. So they know who your father is, who cares. This is just Exy in a school no one has ever heard of. Moving from Nowhere, California to Nowhere, South Carolina.” He looks Neil in the eyes and says “stop being a rabbit and stay and fight with me.”

Neil finds himself nodding and says “you’re right. But I’m also not going to make this decision sleep-deprived.” Andrew acknowledges this by standing and offers Neil a hand, which he takes. 

Andrew pulls him up and Neil is once again reminded how sturdy Andrew is, like nothing the world throws at him could shake him, even the Butcher of Baltimore. 

Neil stops to wonder if there is anything Andrew is afraid of after his bored dismissal of his father. When he voices the question Andrew levels him a flat look and deadpans “heights.”

He then steps inside and motions for Aaron to come out to the porch. 

“Did you kill your mom?” Andrew asks, point-blank and expressionless.

Aaron flinches. “What? She overdosed, why would I kill her?”

“She was hitting you.”

“That doesn’t mean I’d kill her!” He pauses and looks at Andrew with suspicion. “Would you have? If you were me?”

“No,” Andrew replies without hesitation. “But I would have if I were there.”

Aaron scowls. “That makes no sense.”

Andrew shrugs. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Send Nicky out,” he says dismissively, and Aaron shakes his head in disbelief before walking inside.

As soon as Nicky joins them, Andrew asks “what is Aaron on?”

Nicky frowns. “I think he was just excited to score a goal.”

Andrew scoffs and says “I let him so he’d stop complaining. That’s not what I meant. He’s obviously taking something.”

Nicky sighs dejectedly. “Aunt Tilda was addicted to all sorts of things and didn’t notice if Aaron stole some every once in a while. I’ve been trying to get him to quit for the better part of a year but nothing’s worked.”

Andrew takes this in stride and says “I’m going back to Columbia with you. Give me a couple weeks and he’ll be sober.”

“You can fly back with us today!”

Andrew shakes his head and says “I’ll drive.” Neil wonders if maybe he hadn’t been joking after all about his fear of heights as he thinks of the long car ride.

Neil adds “I’m going too,” earning a glance from Andrew. “We can see if we like it there and figure out if we want to stay.”

Nicky and Aaron leave California later that day, giving Neil some time to plan out their trip. He finds an orange Jeep for sale a town over, knows Andrew will hate it, and grabs his duffle bag. 

They get to the address of the person selling it and Andrew immediately groans as he sees the car. 

“I’m starting to think your favorite color isn’t actually gray,” he accuses as Neil hands cash to the seller. 

Neil grins and says “where would we be if our car didn’t match our couch? Besides, I like it when you care about things.” 

Andrew rolls his eyes and swipes the keys as the man tries to hand them to Neil, and hops into the driver’s seat. 

“Do you have your license?” Neil asks skeptically. 

Andrew retorts “do you, Neil Josten?” He has a point, the fake license he does have is under the name Alex. Andrew digs into his pocket and flicks the card at Neil as he closes the passenger door behind him. 

Neil laughs when Andrew adjusts the seat all the way forwards and hands him back his license. Andrew drives them to the house and puts his backpack beside Neil’s bag in the backseat before climbing out of the car.

Andrew collapses into his monstrosity of a chair while Neil connects the iPod to the speaker again. He makes space for Neil beside him and they both take the time to call out of work for the next two weeks. Andrew gets fired then and there, but he looks unbothered as he hangs up the phone on his boss’ shouting. Neil’s employer is more understanding and grants him the time off immediately.

Andrew drops both their phones on the unused side of the chair while Neil stands to mess with the iPod to try and find a song. He finally finds what he thinks is the one Andrew liked and presses play. 

It’s slightly slower than some of the other songs they’d heard earlier and Neil remembers Nicky’s comment about prom. His heart feels about three sizes too big as he looks at Andrew, content and swinging his legs against the chair. He crosses the room and holds out his hands. 

“Dance with me, yes or no.” Andrew nods and stands from his spot to reach Neil. Neil wonders how many things they’ll have to figure out on their own as he desperately tries to remember how a slow dance is supposed to look like. They eventually settle on what is closer to a swaying hug than any dancing Neil thinks he remembers, and can’t find it in himself to care. They remain that way for another song and a half before Andrew pulls back. 

“Yes or no?”

“It’s always a yes with you,” Neil tells him earnestly. 

When Andrew scowls and opens his mouth to argue, Neil holds up his hands. 

“I’m not saying it will always be a yes, because no one would ever be able to predict that. I’m saying it’s a yes  _ because _ it’s you, Andrew.” 

Andrew’s surprised blush returns and Neil leans in to kiss him. This one is less frantic than their last one had been and Neil finds himself smiling into it. 

They break away when a loud riff of guitar startles both of them. Andrew rests his forehead against Neil’s shoulder and links their pinky fingers together.

After a few moments Andrew takes a deep breath and admits “I never thought I would be able to have this.” 

Neil nods, jostling Andrew’s head slightly. He doesn’t seem to mind and Neil almost misses it when Andrew mumbles “I didn’t think I was allowed to be happy,” into his neck. Neil’s heart gets that too-big feeling again and he squeezes Andrew tighter. 

“I didn’t either. I thought I would be dead by now or constantly looking over my shoulder but being here with you is the best decision I ever made.” Andrew hums in agreement and they continue to sway until Neil feels their distribution of weight change as Andrew sags against him. 

Neil is overcome with fondness at the blatant trust Andrew shows in falling asleep against him, but also feels a little guilty knowing that he isn’t getting enough rest. He murmurs Andrew’s name a few times, knowing better than to shake him awake by this point. Andrew sleepily turns his head and looks at Neil in question. Neil tilts his head towards the oversized chair and they shuffle their way over, toeing off their shoes and collapsing into a heap.

“I’m going to miss living alone,” Neil admits. “I know we don’t have electricity and your job sucked but I wouldn’t have changed it for anything.”

“I wouldn’t either. But I have to help Aaron, you saw what he looked like.” Andrew sounds almost defeated and Neil decides he never wants to hear him sound like that again.

“We don’t have to stay in South Carolina. If we don’t like it we can always come back.” He nudges Andrew with his shoulder and adds “besides, I’m dying to see what you’re like on a real Exy court.”

Andrew nudges him back and says “junkie,” but this time his tone is fond. Neil listens as Andrew’s breathing evens out and counts the minutes until they’ll be on the road, a new adventure waiting for them just around the corner.


	13. The Fall

The long drive to South Carolina is less taxing than Andrew thought it would be, and attributes it to Neil’s presence. He fills the drive with idle conversation and songs from Nicky’s iPod that Andrew doesn’t actually dislike, and they’re both surprised by how quickly the hours pass. 

Since their sleep schedules are on opposite ends of the day, and Andrew’s is practically non-existent, they plan to drive without stopping at a motel on the way.

Eventually Neil pulls over to switch seats and slumps against the window as soon as his seatbelt is buckled. Andrew turns the music down and drives the horrible Jeep as smoothly as he can. He stops at a gas station later to fill the tank, and Neil jolts awake as soon as the car stops. 

He scans his surroundings, disoriented, so Andrew gets his attention by quietly saying his name. Neil’s eyes focus onto Andrew’s and he relaxes immediately and shakes his head. Andrew pushes down the feeling Neil’s trust gives him and steps out of the car once he’s sure Neil will be okay.

He starts filling the car and knocks on Neil’s door to make sure he’ll watch the pump before walking inside to grab a couple orange juices for them. He snags a pack of cigarettes too and rolls his eyes when the cashier squints at him suspiciously. He’s this close to just stealing them when the cashier decides he’s not worth the trouble and tells him his total. He declines a bag and pockets the cigarettes before scooping up the juice and walking back to the car. 

Andrew doesn’t miss the way Neil’s eyes are watching the gas station door like a hawk, and chucks him one of the drinks. Neil snaps out of it to catch the bottle and gives him a small smile. His eyes are still wide though, and Andrew knows he won’t be able to sleep for a few hours.

He rolls the windows down despite the cool air and blasts the music loud enough for the cashier inside to hear it before taking off. Andrew wordlessly hands Neil an already lit cigarette and he breathes in the smoke before handing it back. They repeat this until the cigarette runs down to its filter and by the end Neil is looking less like he’s going to jump out of the car and more like himself. 

Neil is beginning to doze off, his head dipping down towards his chest and then popping right back up again every few minutes. Andrew turns the music down and quietly hums along to one of the songs when Neil smiles sleepily at him and loops their pinkies together. He’s angled towards Andrew when he finally falls asleep, the smile still on his face. 

Andrew drives through the night until his eyes begin to feel heavy, then drives some more. The sun is high in the sky when Neil finally wakes. He takes one glance at Andrew before telling him to pull over. 

“We only have five hours left,” he mutters. 

“That’s five hours that you can sleep and not crash our car,” Neil counters with a glare. He is tired though, so he doesn’t waste time arguing. He rests his head on the window and it doesn’t take long before he feels himself start to fall asleep. 

Andrew wakes with a jolt as his window rattles with a hard knock. 

“Fuck off, Aaron,” Neil says and yanks the keys out of the ignition before exiting the car. Andrew looks through the window to see his brother standing with his hand raised, poised to knock again. Andrew shoves the door open instead to push him out of the way, and unbuckles his seatbelt to step out of the Jeep.

Nicky chooses this time to walk up to the car. “Did you guys get this just to drive down here?”

“No,” Neil says and leaves it at that. Nicky doesn’t ask a follow up question, and instead leads them into the house. He fishes two keys off of a key ring and hands them to them both, and then continues into the house. He comes back a moment later when he sees that neither boy has moved, and Aaron rolls his eyes and walks away. 

“It’s just keys, guys, don’t worry about it! If you lose them I can always make more copies.” 

Neil has closed his fist around it and doesn’t look like he wants to move any time soon, so Andrew pockets his and looks up at Nicky. 

“Keys mean we’re actually welcome,” Andrew translates. “None of my foster families bothered giving me any except for Cass.”

Neil shakes himself out of whatever he was feeling and adds “I usually just break into places.”

“You guys are killing me,” Nicky says softly. “Come on, I’ll show you to your room,” he says, back to his energetic self. Once he shows them a bedroom with a squeaky door and walls full of exy paraphernalia, he moves to the rest of the house. 

The fridge is stocked with food, some healthy but most not, and the freezer is full of ice cream. Nicky sees Andrew staring and says “I didn’t know what kind was your favorite so I grabbed a bunch.”

Neil must read into whatever microexpression he has on his face, because he tells Nicky they’re going to grab their bags and come back.

Once they’re outside Andrew feels like he can breathe again. 

Neil gives him a side-long glance and plainly states “it’s weird to have someone else care.” When Andrew doesn’t answer he continues “I would be willing to bet there’s more Exy stuff for us too.” He unlocks the car and pulls both their bags 

from the Jeep before handing Andrew his. 

“We don’t have to stay,” he repeats, and Andrew knows he’s sincere. He shoulders his backpack and walks back inside without a word, Neil right on his heels. 

True to his word, Andrew only takes two weeks to sober Aaron up. Nicky is less than pleased at his methods, but he gets over it when Aaron emerges from the bathroom with his eyes clear and free of withdrawal symptoms. 

They start school in person the next week. Nicky pulled some strings and somehow got them to be together in every class. They even share a few with Aaron, a circumstance that irritates him to no end.

Andrew doesn’t care enough to hate school, but he can tell Neil doesn’t enjoy about half their classes. At least the teachers don’t force them to introduce themselves. Andrew won’t lie if he doesn’t have to and he doesn’t want these people to pity him. He has no doubt Neil already has a backstory concocted for himself, and he wouldn’t be surprised if he made one up for Andrew as well. 

Some of the students throw sidelong glances at Andrew and Aaron, but none of them outright ask Andrew why he hasn’t been enrolled in school until now, so he doesn’t offer any answers. 

Most of his teachers call him Aaron by accident, but they soon get the picture when he blankly stares until they use his name instead. 

Aaron is less silent on the matter, and argues with his teachers constantly until they apologize. He also starts wearing brightly colored t-shirts out of spite, and Andrew steals a long sleeved one within the second week of living in Columbia. When he shows up to school one day wearing it, the teachers that have the misfortune of instructing both of them fail to call on either twin for the entire period.

Nicky grins when he sees Andrew’s shirt once he returns from school.

“Don’t get too excited, I’m just messing with Aaron.”

His expression falls. “Do you own anything that isn’t black?”

“I can offer you gray or this lovely green monstrosity.” Nicky drops the subject with a sigh. Aaron stops talking to him altogether, and only breaks the silence after Nicky’s fifteenth conversation with them about the importance of family. 

He and Neil get away with not doing half the projects with Neil’s patented ‘I don’t have a computer’ excuse, though some of their teachers force them to use a library computer instead.

Andrew used to hate group projects in school when he was on his own, but he doesn’t mind as much when every teacher pairs him with Neil. Andrew is an instigator at heart and he knows Neil is the same way, so they each find ways to make their teachers’ lives more difficult during presentations. For one project they’re assigned, the teacher makes it a point to emphasize that no one should be reading off of the slides.

In retaliation, Andrew blankly stares the teacher in the eyes and recites the PowerPoint presentation line by line in monotone. Neil doesn’t even pretend to have his sections memorized and makes up his portion of the project on the spot. Their teacher sighs heavily and gives them a seventy, which is far better than Andrew was expecting from that train wreck.

They share math with Aaron, who has told them repeatedly that it is now his least favorite part of his day. Andrew couldn’t care less about it, and as long as he slightly pays attention to the droning lecture he can ace the tests without problem. Neil apparently finds the subject fascinating and he ends up with the best grade of the three of them, since Andrew doesn’t do homework on principle and Aaron can’t stand math enough to study.

When they get home from classes one day, Nicky is sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by papers. He sends Neil and Aaron out of the room and pulls out a chair for Andrew. 

“How would you feel about getting adopted by me? I know you’re already family, but we could officially change your name this way.”

Andrew frowns. After weeks of classes and living in Columbia he hasn’t heard Aaron’s last name once. “What is my last name?”

Nicky looks up from the papers in surprise. “Minyard! Have you really not known this whole time?” He must read something in his expression because he backtracks. “You don’t have to come up with an answer now, this offer doesn’t have an expiration date.”

Andrew nods and walks to the room he shares with Neil. At his questioning look he says “Nicky wants to adopt me.”

Neil’s expression is hard to read, but he doesn’t look surprised at least.

“I had to ask what my own last name would be,” he mutters. When Neil raises his eyebrows he adds “Minyard,” trying the name out for himself. It feels better than Doe and worse at the same time, like he’s trapped in a room full of people who actually care about him.

Neil opens the window and they duck outside, the screen removed long ago so they can smoke in peace. Andrew is at once irritated and thankful at how well Neil can read him, so he distracts himself with lighting a cigarette.

“It’s just a name,” Neil tells him sincerely. “You know I of all people know that.” He takes a drag and changes tactics. “Nicky doesn’t have an ulterior motive here, he’s just doing his best to make you a part of the family for real.”

“Being related doesn’t make us family,” Andrew replies bitterly, but he knows that Neil is right. They sit outside until the cigarette burns down to the filter, huddled close against the winter air. They stay that way until the sun goes down, Neil offering support with his quiet presence and Andrew taking the time to re-evaluate what he knows about family.


	14. Panic Vertigo

Halfway through February, Aaron tells them that the Exy team’s only striker has been injured and can’t play for the rest of the season. As an afterthought he adds that the coach is holding try-outs throughout the week.

“When?” Neil asks, far too excited for someone who has just come from the most boring history lecture in existence. “Do you think they’ll take another goalie?”

“Every day from three to four thirty. And I don’t know, probably.”

It’s close to two now, so they skip their last class and drive home to grab the spare Exy gear they’ve been using for games at the house in Columbia. Nicky looks unsurprised to see them, and Andrew figures Aaron must have texted him. His suspicions are confirmed when Nicky calls a cheerful ‘good luck’ to them on their way out. 

The coach looks shocked to see anyone new at practice, though he points them toward the locker room to change out. 

When they get back he says “you’re the only two who have come to try-outs so your chances are looking pretty good.”

Andrew stops him there to tell him he’s not trying out for striker. At his confused look he adds “I play in goal when Aaron wants to practice.”

The coach turns to look at Aaron, who rolls his eyes. “You should probably give him a chance, he’s way better than Cathy will ever be.”

“Hey!” Probably Cathy says in offense. Aaron brushes her off and the coach shrugs. 

“What the hell, can’t hurt to have a sub.”

He runs Neil through some drills and has him take some shots on Definitely Cathy in goal. She’s alright, but Neil scores on her easily enough and is immediately offered the spot. 

Neil excitedly accepts, and the coach motions for Andrew to go wait in the opposite goal. Instead of drills he starts a scrimmage. Andrew has to put in little effort since he’s on both Aaron and Neil’s team, and they end up winning easily. 

The coach also offers Andrew a position on the team, and he almost declines just to see his expression. In the end he says yes, partly because of Neil, partly because he knows it will irritate Aaron.

Their uniforms come in a few practices later, and they’re stuck with the numbers eleven and twelve. He’s slightly irritated that the coach didn’t give him a choice for the name on the back, though he probably isn’t even aware that Andrew doesn’t have the same surname as his brother. 

The weeks go by quicker now, with the three of them going to practices every school day and games every other Friday. They end up winning most of them, much to their coach’s surprise, and make it all the way to finals. The last game is on the Friday before spring break, the same night as the school’s prom, and it’s clear that no one had expected for them to get this far. 

An argument breaks out a week before the game with Cathy and one of the backliners. Neil wanders over to listen so Andrew follows him to the pair. 

“Look, I already bought my dress. I’m going to prom. I know you did too, why do you care?” 

The other girl looks at Cathy like she’s grown a second head as a few other players gather to watch the argument. 

“Return it! This is our last year, and there’s probably going to be scouts there. We could get a scholarship and you care more about a stupid dance?”

“I’m not going to college, what do I care about a scholarship? And besides, my boyfriend already rented a limo and he says he can’t return it.”

“Return him,” the defensive dealer chimes in and gets some laughs from his teammates. Cathy throws her hands up in exasperation. 

“Why do you even care? Thing Two over here hasn’t had a goal scored on him since he’s been on the team, I think you’ll be able to play without me.” 

No one has an answer for that, and she grins triumphantly. “It pays to suck at goal, I guess.”

They do win, when the game finally comes around, and Andrew continues his zero-goal streak. Neil brings their score up considerably and outshines the team’s other striker with each goal he makes. It can’t hurt that Andrew doesn’t aim a single rebound her way, but she can take that up with him if she has a problem with it. 

When Andrew and Neil are ready to leave, a hand on his shoulder stops him. Andrew immediately throws an elbow back and whips around at the broken contact, only to find Kevin Day holding a hand to his chest. 

Neil takes one look at him and grabs Andrew’s sleeve to pull him away. Andrew lets him, and they make it to the unfamiliar school’s locker room without opposition. 

Neil leans heavily against the wall and scans the exits. Andrew steps in front of him and prods at his shoulder until he meets his eyes. 

“I thought you weren’t going to run anymore,” he says, not really a question. 

Neil scowls and crosses the room agitatedly. 

“You know who that was. If he gets a good enough look at me he’ll remember who I am and my father will find me,” his voice takes on a desperate edge. “I don’t know what to do,” he mumbles, looking more unsure of himself than Andrew has seen before.

“If you want to stand and fight, I’ll be there with you. But if you want to run, I’ll go too. I’d do anything for you, Neil,” he says, raw and honest and desperately hoping he won’t leave.

He doesn’t, and instead rushes forward and stops in front of Andrew, arms open. Andrew doesn’t bother waiting for his question and steps into his embrace. They stay that way next to the benches until the far door swings open. 

Kevin walks in, wearing a frown and laser-focused on Andrew. 

“I know you know why I came here,” he says, jabbing a finger at his chest. “We want to recruit you for the Ravens.”

Andrew glances back to Neil at the word ‘we’ to find him glowering at Kevin, and he hasn’t bolted yet. Kevin is unimpressed with both of their reactions, though he looks downright shocked when Andrew tells him no. 

“No one ever turns down the Ravens,” he sputters. “You could be the best!”

“Yeah, because the two on your face screams winner,” Andrew shoots back. “We’re leaving, don’t try this again.”

He grabs Neil by his shirt collar and tugs until he gets the picture. They walk out to the car and Andrew texts Nicky to give Aaron a ride home before driving to an abandoned bridge far from town. 

He parks the car and steps out, motioning for Neil to do the same. He does, and they sit side by side on the hood of the Jeep with the radio blaring. 

Neil jumps as Andrew lets out a yell. 

“What was that for?”

Andrew shrugs and waits. Neil squeezes his eyes shut and yells too, drowning out the music. He shouts curses at Riko, at Kevin, and at his father. Then he screams at his mother, at Drake, at that useless cop that had interrogated Andrew all those months ago. He yells until his voice goes hoarse, and he squeezes Andrew’s hand fiercely once he’s done.

“That actually helped,” he admits lowly. 

“Good,” Andrew says, and lays back against the windshield, pulling Neil down with him. They’re still in their Exy gear, and Neil could probably use some water, but they stay there looking up at the arches of the bridge until Andrew’s phone starts to buzz. 

He picks up, winces at the volume of Nicky’s voice, and holds the phone out to Neil. Neil rolls his eyes but he takes the phone and puts it to his ear. 

“Hi, Nicky. We’re just driving. Who cares, it’s a Friday. Okay. Okay. Fine. We’ll be back soon. Okay. Yes, okay. Bye.” 

“Nicky says to come back,” he mutters unnecessarily, and hands Andrew his phone back. “He also said to tell you hi.”

Andrew shoves the phone in his pocket and slides off the hood of the car. They drive back slowly, and Andrew stops to buy a sports drink for Neil on the way. 

Andrew can see Neil turn to look at him in his peripheral vision and doesn’t miss the slow grin that fills his face. 

“I think you’re the first person to ever turn down the Ravens.”

“How long do you think it took Riko to realize he was talking to the wrong twin?” Andrew asks instead. 

“What?”

“Kevin didn’t come here alone. I bet Riko didn’t pay Aaron a second glance on the field and spoke with him instead of me when we left the field.”

Neil shakes his head slowly and says “now I actually do want to go back.”

Andrew pulls into the driveway a few minutes later to find lights on in the living room. They walk in and see Aaron and Nicky waiting on the couch.

“Why the fuck did Riko try to recruit me to the Ravens?” Aaron asks bitterly. “We literally have numbers on our jerseys, I don’t think it’s that much to ask for him to read them.” 

His eyes glint and Andrew knows he’s not too upset about the situation. “You should’ve seen his face when I told him he was talking to the wrong guy.”

Nicky jabs a thumb towards the bathroom. 

“It’s close to three a.m. and I’m way too tired for this shit. Go take a shower and go to bed, we can talk in the morning.”

Andrew showers first, and exits the bathroom shortly after with dripping hair and pajamas on. He drops his Exy uniform and gear in a heap into the hallway and sits on the windowsill to wait for Neil. 

He hears a thud and a curse from the hall and walks out to investigate. He finds Aaron poised to kick the pile and raises his eyebrows.

Aaron grumbles and doesn’t bother defending his actions. “How hard is it to put your shit in your room?”

“It’s not really my room,” Andrew says with a shrug.

“I don’t know why I even bother when you literally don’t care enough to brush your hair.” 

Andrew waves him off and returns to the windowsill. Neil comes out of the bathroom a few minutes later and perches on the bed across from him. 

“I want to leave,” he says predictably, Exy no longer anchoring him to South Carolina. “Road trip?”

“To where?”

“Anywhere,” Neil answers, then rattles off a long list of cities in and out of the United States. “Except for those.”

They table the conversation for morning and Andrew leans against the wall next to the window to rest. If Nicky has noticed in the past three months that he falls asleep pretty much anywhere but a bed, he’s gracious enough to not comment on it. 

Neil isn’t picky as long as he’s near Andrew, and he grabs the comforter and a couple pillows to bring over as he’s done every night since they’d been there. 

They lean against each other and Neil pulls the covers up over them. Andrew is at once glad to have found his family and ready to return to California with Neil. He’s not quite tired enough to sleep yet, so he stares at the ceiling until boredom forces him to close his eyes. He thinks of places to go to during their week of freedom and can’t help but worry when the world is going to take all this away from him.


	15. West Coast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If Nora can throw in a vacation into the series I can have one here too

Neil wakes up too early the next morning to the sounds of pans clattering. Andrew is not far behind, rubbing his eyes sleepily and kicking the blanket off of them. They trudge into the kitchen to find Nicky attempting to make breakfast. 

“Pancakes?” He asks, and doesn’t wait for an answer before he shoves a plate Andrew’s way with about three hundred too many chocolate chips on top. He hands a thankfully plain plate of slightly burnt pancakes to Neil and makes two others, one with chocolate and one without. Andrew and Nicky don’t wait for Aaron to begin eating so Neil works on his plate too. Aaron stumbles in a few minutes later and grabs the other plain plate.

They eat in silence until Nicky sets his utensils down and says “Aaron and I have been planning to take a trip over spring break since last year. I’ve been trying to get plane tickets for the two of you but everywhere has been booked up for weeks.”

Neil stops him there. “Me and Andrew were going to take a road trip anyway, we started planning it last night.”

Nicky blinks at them in surprise. “Oh! Well, okay then I guess I didn’t have to worry. When are you leaving?”

Neil glances at Andrew and receives a slight head tilt for his effort. “Today. Probably a couple hours.”

“Are you already packed?” Aaron asks skeptically.

“Everything we own can fit into a backpack and a duffle bag.” Andrew deadpans. Aaron flips him off in return and goes back to stabbing at his pancakes as they stand.

They grab their bags and toss them in the trunk as Nicky meets them out front.

“Wait, where are you planning on going?” Andrew shrugs and tells him that they’ll figure it out.

“At least text me pictures of the places you go to!” He waves as Andrew backs out of the driveway and within minutes they both receive texts from him asking for updates on their trip. 

Neil humors him and texts that they’re pulling into a gas station and that Andrew has left him to supervise the pump. Nicky texts back a stream of exclamation points that Neil doesn’t reply to. 

He does snap a picture of Andrew carrying a small army of snacks back to the car with a bored expression on his face. He texts it to Nicky as Andrew tosses everything into the backseat and receives a string of smiley faces and hearts for his effort. 

“You do realize you’re unemployed now.” Andrew looks unbothered at the prospect. 

“Who’s to say I didn’t steal it.”

Neil laughs. “The lack of sirens.” He catches the tackiest pair of sunglasses he’s ever seen as Andrew throws them at his head. 

He immediately pops them on and says “I hope you know I’m never taking these off.” Andrew frowns and makes a grab for them but Neil ducks out of the way, smile still glued to his face.

“It was a joke. They’re pineapple shaped,” he emphasizes. 

“And they’re not leaving my face for the entire road trip,” Neil promises him. 

Still sitting at the gas station slash alleged scene of crime, Andrew says “yes or no.”

“Yes,” Neil says immediately, and pushes the sunglasses up into his hair as he leans in. He’s pretty sure he’ll never get tired of kissing Andrew, and when he eventually has to break away to catch his breath he already misses it. Andrew’s got the sunglasses tucked into his shirt and Neil unwinds his hands from his hair to grab at them. 

Andrew hands them back with a small smile and jams the keys into the ignition. Neil snaps another picture while he’s distracted with merging into traffic, though he keeps this one for himself. 

It doesn’t take long for him to realize that Andrew’s driving west. 

“Are we going anywhere specific?” Andrew predictably answers with a shrug so Neil busies himself with flipping through radio stations. 

“I was thinking we could go to the beach,” Neil says casually. Andrew raises his eyebrows at the statement, but he doesn’t argue. 

“I think I’d like to have some better memories there,” he explains.

“Pfeiffer Beach is on the list,” Andrew says, and refuses to elaborate. Regardless, Neil’s heart clenches at how well he knows him and he pushes the sunglasses back down over his eyes. 

They don’t start in California, though, and Andrew remains secretive of the destinations he’s chosen throughout the drive. He doesn’t bother staying at motels, and they continue their new tradition of staring up at the stars in a laundry list of states before they stop in Utah.

At Andrew’s insistence they stop to buy bathing suits, and Neil finds one with pineapples on it to match his glasses. Andrew rolls his eyes and dutifully adds it to his pile of black swim trunks and plenty of sunscreen before checking out. Neil snags a rainbow tie-dye fisherman’s hat and puts it on the counter as well. 

“You’re the worst,” Andrew complains, though he shoves the hat on his head once they’re back in the car. 

He drives them to Zion National Park and they change into their swim trunks before taking a tram deeper into the park. They hike through a gorge filled with water and Neil succeeds in drenching the tourists in their vicinity while he tries to splash Andrew. He ignores their glares and they continue their walk, now without anyone in their personal space. They eventually turn back after they’re both content with their hike and pissing off strangers, and they make it back to the car just before nightfall. 

Andrew’s damp hair is curling beneath his hat and his face is pink with a sunburn despite the sunscreen he bought earlier. Neil’s stomach twists as they sit side by side on the hood of the Jeep and he can’t remember a time he’s felt more content as he rests his head on Andrew’s shoulder. 

The next day they backtrack to Colorado and visit the Rocky Mountain National Park. 

“I’m sensing a theme,” Neil says as they enter the park. Andrew ignores him and stops at a trail. It’s short, though there are giant clusters of rock along the way. Andrew blatantly disregards the signs at the base of the rocks and climbs to the top of one of the formations, arms crossed and looking off into the distance. 

Neil sends a picture to Nicky who replies a frantic ‘tell him to get down from there, I swear that kid has a death wish!’ He’s less than impressed at the selfie he sends of the both of them a few minutes later. ‘And there you are, encouraging him as usual’ he texts, and sends them a video of a scowling Aaron swatting at bugs in a field filled with wildflowers. 

They’re forced to cut their climbing short when thunder rumbles in the distance, and they take refuge in the Jeep as rain starts to pour down around them. 

“I thought you were afraid of heights,” Neil says later as they drive to what will probably be another park. 

“I am,” he answers. “But I’m pretty sure we’re legally required to climb on things on a road trip.”

“I think the signs telling us the opposite would disagree,” Neil argues, though he did get a sense of freedom from on top of the rocks that he’d be hard-pressed to find elsewhere. 

They spend most of their time in California, ending the day by driving to the beach. It’s definitely not the same black sands he associates his mother’s death with, but his breath catches all the same as his toes sink into the ground. 

Andrew grabs his hand and laces their fingers together, a silent anchor to the present as they make their way towards the waves. There’s more rock formations here, and Neil’s anxiety ebbs away with the tide as they spend their time climbing and kicking sand at each other. He takes a picture of the sunset for Nicky along with the name of the beach and turns his phone off, content to sit in the sand and let the waves lap at his feet. 

Aaron and Nicky surprise them by flying out to California on their last day at the beach, and though Andrew won’t admit it, Neil knows he’s glad to see them. 

Neil throws his arms out wide and grins next to Andrew on the cliff they’d scaled, and Nicky takes a flurry of pictures from the shore. He texts Neil one where he’s in the same pose, but Andrew had turned to face him with a small smile. He privately determines it to be his favorite, and pockets his phone before he can drop it into the waves.

As they make their way down the cliff Neil’s sunglasses fight to escape from where they’re tucked into the collar of his shirt, and Andrew clutches his hat tightly at his side as the wind threatens to claim it. They call it a day when the clouds begin to pour heavy drops onto the beach, quickly drenching everyone nearby. 

Nicky doesn’t hide his disappointment when Andrew tells him that they won’t be returning to South Carolina, but he doesn’t argue with the decision as they walk to the cars. 

“I’ll keep tutoring you like before,” he promises. “But I expect updates of how it’s going like you gave me on your trip!”

At their agreement, Nicky pulls Andrew to the side for a moment and hands him a manila folder. Once Andrew walks away, he and Aaron bid them goodbye and leave to drive the rental car back to the airport. Andrew slides the folder under his seat and drives them back to the house in silence. 

They finally make it back and find the house intact, everything right where they left it. Andrew immediately moves to the couch and throws himself onto it face first. 

“Nicky asked again if I wanted him to adopt me,” Andrew mumbles into the cushions. He sits up in favor of pulling his knees to his chest, so Neil joins him on the couch. 

“I don’t know what to do,” he admits quietly. “The last time I was almost adopted was-” he waves a hand dismissively and changes direction. “And now I’m waiting for something to ruin it.”

“I trust Nicky,” Neil says in answer. “And I think you do too. He hasn’t done anything to hurt either of us and he’s kept all the promises he’s made.” 

Andrew pulls on the front of his sweatshirt’s hood until it covers most of the bottom of his face. It’s so unlike him to look this lost, and Neil has no idea how to make it better. He settles for leaning against his side, and Andrew abandons his sweatshirt to put an arm around him. 

“Everything’s changing,” he says finally, and Neil can’t help but agree. A few months ago he’d been alone and on the run, grieving his mother and wondering how he’d ever be able to survive on his own.

“I wouldn’t change anything that’s happened if it meant I wasn’t able to meet you,” Neil tells him, and finds that he believes it. He’d go through every scar, every fear, every hardship again if it meant he’d be able to stay here with Andrew for just a little longer.

“I think I’m going to do it,” he says, sounding a little more like himself. 

“Andrew Joseph Minyard,” Neil tests. He smiles when Andrew repeats it quietly after him, and then with more finality.

Warm and content from their day at the beach, Neil rests his head against Andrew’s. 

“Yes or no?” Andrew’s nod jostles him slightly and he cranes his neck to plant a kiss on his windswept hair.

“What was that for?” Andrew asks, though he shifts to rest his face in the crook of Neil’s neck. 

Neil doesn’t reply, and instead intertwines their fingers. They stay there on that orange couch until the sun goes down. Neil has never known quite what it’s like to feel at home, but as he leans against Andrew he thinks that maybe this is it.


	16. Make This Leap

It doesn’t take long for the universe to find something else to throw at them. A few days after they return home from the beach, a loud knock interrupts Andrew’s sleep. Neil walks in from the kitchen and peeks through the curtains, only to walk right back in and press himself flat against the wall. 

Andrew figures whoever it is can wait a few minutes and moves to the kitchen to stand in front of Neil. 

“Are they gone?” Neil asks, eyes too wide for his liking. Andrew shrugs and slots a hand between Neil’s neck and the wall to ground him.

Neil steels himself against whatever threat is in front of him and says “Foxes.”

Andrew scowls. Even with his limited sports knowledge, he’d known about the Foxes before he’d ever played a game of Exy. He doesn’t need an explanation to know that Nicky is somehow behind this, and he says so to Neil. His theory lets some of the tension bleed out of Neil, but he stays still against the wall.

A slightly more impatient knock echoes throughout the house, causing Neil to jump. Andrew removes them hand from the back of his neck and warns “I’m going to get the door.” Neil runs a hand through his hair agitatedly and steps into the living room as Andrew yanks the door open.

A middle aged man flanked by two women stands impatiently at the door, arms crossed over his chest. The girl with short brown hair sticks her hand out for Andrew to shake. 

“Dan Wilds, Offensive Dealer and captain of the Foxes.” She doesn’t seem fazed when Andrew doesn’t take her hand, and instead follows the man into the front room.

“Coach David Wymack. We’re here to recruit you to our team for the upcoming season.” He takes in Andrew and Neil’s defensive postures and doesn’t offer a hand to either. “Your coach sent me your file after you turned down the Ravens at a Nicholas Hemmick’s suggestion. He vouched that both of you qualify for our team.”

Dan hands him files probably containing contracts and stays to his left a few feet back. The other girl stands at her side, looking uninterested as she taps away at a cellphone. She finally glances up and locks eyes onto Andrew.

“Andy, right?” Andrew frowns at the nickname but doesn’t waste his breath to correct her. 

“It’s Andrew,” Neil says instead, and steps forward to stand beside him.

The coach ignores them. “You both have enough potential that I’m willing to sign, even with lack of experience.”

Neil doesn’t answer and instead looks at Andrew. “How about two more,” Andrew says at last. 

The coach raises his eyebrows but doesn’t look too shocked by the preposition. “I have contracts for your family in the car,” he motions for Dan to retrieve them and waits before she leaves to turn back to the pair. 

Wymack raises a hand and Andrew knows he doesn’t miss the way that both he and Neil flinch. Andrew’s expression goes carefully flat as he takes half a step in front of Neil and pushes him back. He subtlety hands him a knife and takes one out for himself, still staring at the man in front of them. 

Wymack’s eyes narrow at the pair and the tall blonde girl beside him mutters “couple of monsters.”

He turns to the girl and gruffly says “go be somewhere else.” She shrugs and leaves the room to join Dan at the car, rainbow heels clicking against the floor.

“I don’t know what happened in your pasts, but that reaction alone is enough to make you Foxes. I understand that you don’t trust me, and I’ll do everything in my power to show you that I will never hurt either of you if you decide to sign.” 

“But,” he pauses and levels his stare at Andrew. “You can’t be pulling knives on me. That is way above my pay grade and I’m not going to deal with it.” 

Neil steps out from behind Andrew and hands him his knife back sheepishly. “Sorry,” he says, not sounding particularly contrite. 

All Wymack says is “Christ, you had one too,” with a heaving sigh. 

Andrew is the one to break the uncomfortable silence that settles after. “You’ll sign all of them?” he asks, suspicious. 

“If you play like you did this season I’d sign a doormat if you asked.”

Neil grins sharply, all but forgetting his fear in favor of saying “Nicky’s close enough.”

Wymack’s eyes focus on Neil. “I hear you two are more of a package deal than anyone.”

Neil crosses his arms but doesn’t really have an answer for him. Andrew slips one of the knives back into his armband and keeps the other tucked into his palm, just in case. 

“When do you need a decision?”

“Yesterday,” Wymack grouses.

“I’m not deciding anything without discussing it with Nicky and Aaron. We’ll let you know by tomorrow.” The coach rattles off the name of a hotel a couple towns over and walks out the door. 

He comes back a moment later with a thick manila folder rubber banded shut and tilts his head into a nod when Andrew catches it. “Tomorrow,” he says as a goodbye, and closes the door behind him. As soon as they can’t hear the car anymore Neil walks over to the window and peers out of the curtains. 

When he’s satisfied that they’re gone he begins to pace the length of the room. Andrew takes his place on the left side of the couch and sets the folder beside him as he waits for Neil to stop. After a few minutes he does, and sinks into the couch next to Andrew. 

“Where would we be if our halfway house slash Exy team didn’t match our couch and our car?” Andrew asks. The corner of Neil’s mouth twitches and he leans against him. 

“Exy was all I ever wanted growing up. I was only allowed to obsess over it from afar and then we got to play in South Carolina and I put everything into it.” His hands start to shake and Andrew holds his palm out. Neil squeezes it fiercely and takes a steadying breath. “I shouldn’t do this. Playing on a high school team for a few weeks is something, this is a whole other level of insane.”

He locks his eyes onto Andrew’s. They’re mostly panicked but there’s a spark of something close to longing there, and Andrew knows the decision he’ll make before he even continues talking.

“I’ve been surviving my whole life, running away from my problems one mistake at a time. But you make me want to actually _live,_ Andrew, not just survive. I said I’m going to stop being a rabbit and I meant it, so if you want to sign I’ll be right there with you.”

Andrew doesn’t bother saying he doesn’t care about the sport, and instead thinks about his family. Neil is clearly on board, his Exy obsession somehow outweighing his fear of his father. They’ll deal with that when they need to.  _ If _ they need to, he corrects, though in the back of his mind he knows this isn’t something he can just scare away. 

Aaron could attend school for free. He’s been talking about wanting to become a doctor since they’d met, something about being able to help someone else since he couldn’t help his mother. Andrew thinks that his intentions are misguided, but it’s not really his decision to make anyway. 

If Nicky wants to go he could get free schooling as well, though he’ll probably want to stay with Erik in Germany. He ignores the sinking feeling at the thought of someone else leaving him and walks out to the car instead to sign the adoption papers. Most of the papers have already been filled out by Nicky, so all he needs to do is sign in a few places. He sends a quick text to Nicky containing a picture of his signature, and seconds later his phone starts to ring.

“You’re doing it? Oh, this is great! Hey, did you happen to have any visitors like maybe the coach of a last-ranked Class I Exy team?” 

Andrew rolls his eyes at Nicky’s antics. “I told him I’d have to talk it over with you before I made a decision. He said he’d sign Neil and you and Aaron if you’re interested.”

“Oh, and then Aaron can get his degree, that’s perfect. Erik is gonna miss me so much.”

Andrew frowns. “That’s it? You made the decision in like two seconds.”

“Well, yeah. I can’t just leave you guys right now, especially when I’m going to be adopting you. We’re going to have to go to court to get that finalized, don’t let me forget.”

Andrew takes some time to process and realizes belatedly that he’ll always be able to trust his cousin.

“Andrew? You still there? I have to leave for work in a few minutes, but you guys can come back here and we can make arrangements to move all your furniture and stuff to the house. How it hasn’t been stolen yet is beyond me.”

“No one cares enough to be suspicious in this town,” Andrew says. “And no one really wants to live here either,” he mutters as an afterthought.

Nicky ignores him. “Wymack will be back tomorrow to get your contracts and he’ll be able to tell you more about school and the team and everything then.”

When Andrew doesn’t answer he says “you made the right choice, kiddo! I’ll talk to you guys soon, okay? Tell Neil I said hi and go get some ice cream or something, you deserve it.” With that, he hangs up and Andrew walks back into the front room from outside.

“Hey, did you call Nicky? How’d it go?”

Andrew wordlessly sits down next to Neil and holds up the adoption papers. He places them onto the floor in front of the couch and sighs.

Neil prods at his hand until he gets the hint and intertwines their fingers again. “It’ll be okay,” he says with more confidence than Andrew feels, probably more than he’s warranted for the situation. “If anything happens we’ll just run.” Andrew rolls his eyes, but he plays along. 

“We’ll go see Alcatraz next so we can scope out our zombie apocalypse hideout,” he says, earning a laugh from Neil. 

“And terrorize some more tourists while we’re at it.” Neil starts to say something else and trails off almost immediately, eyes darting back to the window. Instead he says “cat thing?”

Andrew resists the urge to roll his eyes. “We are not calling it that,” he mutters, though he stands so Neil can lay flat on the couch. 

“World’s greatest security blanket?”

“I’m going to leave,” Andrew warns, but the threat is undermined by the fact that he’s already laying on top of him. 

It’s still strange to have his full weight resting on Neil, but he doesn’t look bothered in the least. Andrew rests his head in the crook of Neil’s neck and lets his eyes slide closed. Neil hums contentedly and says “yes or no?”

Andrew props himself up with his hands on either side of Neil. “Yes,” he says, and leans in to kiss him. Neil meets him in the middle and Andrew’s sure he’ll never get tired of this. Neil lays back down after a few minutes though, so he resumes his position as the world’s heaviest weighted blanket.

“It’s going to be weird living in a dorm room,” Neil says at last. “We’re probably going to have to share with someone.”

“Lucky them,” Andrew deadpans, and Neil’s entire body shakes as he laughs. 

A year ago he would have never imagined that he’d be here, that he’d be able to be happy of all things. But here he is, content to make plans with Neil about a future he never thought he’d see. He gives Neil’s hand a squeeze and stands. Neil joins him and together they sign the contracts that dictate where they’ll be for the next five years, making the leap together. 


	17. Drag

Wymack returns the next morning alone and looks thoroughly unsurprised when he’s handed the signed contracts.

“Welcome to the team,” he says, though he doesn’t reach out a hand to shake, probably remembering the knives incident from the day before. The coach doesn’t miss the way Andrew raises his eyebrows at the fake birthday Neil had scribbled onto the contract, but he declines to ask and instead says “that better not be a problem.” Neil shrugs noncommittally and he moves on. 

“Dorm move ins aren’t until June so if you want to stay in South Carolina you can either stay with me or with Abby.” He doesn’t elaborate on who Abby is but Neil’s sure they’ll hear of her again at some point so he doesn’t bother getting clarification.

“We’ll be staying with Nicky and Aaron in Columbia until then,” Andrew corrects him. 

“If you change your mind give us a call.” He hands Neil a piece of notebook paper with his and Abby’s contact information scribbled onto it and takes his leave. 

Within the next week Nicky arranges for their furniture to be shipped to the house in Columbia, so all they have to do is grab their bags and matching key rings before beginning the long drive. Neil takes one last look at the place he’s started to call home and climbs into the driver’s seat. 

It’s strangely freeing to drive with a destination in mind, the music turned down low as Andrew directs him where to turn. They stop to fill the Jeep’s tank and to get some snacks early on in their trip. Andrew returns with icees and sunglasses shaped like peaches. 

“I have so many questions,” Neil says as he catches the glasses. “First of all, these are definitely heart shaped.”

“Not a question,” Andrew retorts, but he’s smiling around the straw of his drink all the same.

“Second, how long did it take to pick these out, you were in there for a while. Is this going to be a thing? Fruit sunglasses?”

“You like fruit.” Neil can’t argue with that, so he takes a sip of his drink and slides the glasses onto his face. 

The rest of his portion of the drive is tinted pink and he can appreciate the phrase rose-colored glasses in a new light as Andrew quietly hums along to the radio. They switch just after the eighteen-hour mark and Andrew drives well into the night. They finally pull over at a campground to get some rest, and Neil tucks the glasses safe into his pocket with his keys. 

They only have a few hours left to go the next day so Andrew drives until they reach the house in Columbia. It’s technically a school day and the front yard is empty as Andrew pulls the Jeep into the driveway. 

Neil unlocks the door to find a note from Nicky explaining that he’s at work and to help themselves to anything in the fridge while they wait. Andrew takes this to heart and immediately grabs a carton of blueberries to wash. He grabs two ziplock bags and before Neil can tell him that they’ll just share, he pours a healthy amount of granulated sugar into his own.

“Your teeth are going to fall out,” Neil deadpans as Andrew attempts to drown him out by shaking the bag loudly. He rolls his eyes and they eat their fruit uninterrupted until the door swings open to reveal Nicky and Aaron. 

Aaron is complaining about his math teacher while Nicky occasionally adds rude comments as they make their way into the kitchen. 

Aaron starts when he notices them. “You’re back early.”

Neil frowns. “You must have been expecting us, Nicky left a note by the door.”

Aaron rolls his eyes. “He’s written one every day for the past week just in case.”

“It worked, didn’t it?” Nicky defends indignantly. He changes subjects and says “I checked your progress in your classes and both of you are done for the year! The school is going to mail your diplomas here after graduation. Oh, and Andrew we still need to go get your adoption finalized so I’ll schedule that beforehand so your diploma matches.”

Andrew nods and heads for their room, so Neil takes the opportunity to leave as well. He doesn’t mind Nicky or Aaron, but it’s not exactly a difficult decision to choose spending time with Andrew over them. 

The next few weeks pass slowly since Neil doesn’t have a job or school to distract him. He practices Exy often, and watches matches of college teams during breaks. Andrew doesn’t give in to his obsession, and defends the goal halfheartedly the rare times he practices at all.

Nicky lets Aaron skip school for Andrew’s adoption, and they all go out for ice cream to celebrate afterwards. Nicky seems to be the only one outwardly excited about the event, though Neil knows how much the name means to Andrew, even if he won’t say it out loud. 

Now that they’re not in school, Nicky finally agrees to let Andrew work night shifts with him. Neil joins him about half the time, and spends the other nights practicing. Sometimes Aaron joins him, but most nights he works on some drills he finds online, and occasionally takes shots at the noticeably empty goal in the backyard.

Tonight he goes to Eden’s and keeps Andrew company at the bar. The music is about three times too loud since it’s technically a club, and after getting shoved by the same drunk girl for the fifth time Neil just goes around to the other side. The other bartenders don’t seem to mind as long as he doesn’t get in their way, and he’s content to bug Andrew as he pours shots. 

The bar’s patrons wear more leather than Neil’s seen anywhere but a furniture store, as he eventually starts creating backstories for the club goers. Andrew joins in after a few minutes, and they make it all the way to the bouncers before Nicky wanders over to tell them that the shift has ended. 

Neil makes his way outside with Andrew when Nicky catches up to tell them he’ll be a few minutes. Andrew makes good use of their time alone and kisses him until he feels dizzy. He breaks away with a startled gasp, and says “don’t fucking touch me,” darkly. 

Neil opens his eyes to catch Andrew deliver a vicious shove to a man who has a heavy hand planted on his shoulder. Neil hadn’t even heard him walk up, and suddenly remembers his mother’s warnings, finding some truth to them after all. 

The man shouts as he stumbles backwards, and a group of people gather around him in support. Nicky chooses that moment to walk out of the club, and right into the man, who immediately grabs a fistful of his shirt and jabs at his jaw.

Neil is at once impressed and unsurprised as Andrew launches into the fight without a second thought, tearing the man away from Nicky like he weighs nothing. He moves with startling efficiency, and has incapacitated two of the men before Neil even joins in. The group doesn’t go down easily, and Neil knows they’ll both have bruises tomorrow. 

He winces as a punch knocks the breath out of Andrew, but he’s undeterred and leans all his weight onto the back of the man’s knee until he’s forced to crumple to the ground. Together they fight back to back, and it isn’t long until there’s no one left standing.

Neil stops as soon as all of them have fallen, but Andrew is relentless, using his heavy boots to kick ribs and faces. 

Nicky looks like he’s going to be sick, so Neil positions himself in front of Andrew to block his view. The unfiltered rage in his eyes is startling, even when it isn’t directed at him. He’s sure his father’s smile was on his face during the fight, though, so he cuts Andrew some slack while he catalogues his injuries. Nicky is talking a mile a minute, and Neil takes a second to focus on his words. 

“Andrew. Andrew!” He blinks and the rage is gone as he looks past Neil and over to his cousin. “You can’t do that here, no one knows you and no one will vouch for you besides us.” He must read something in the desperate set of his shoulders because he says “look around, we’re okay. But we won’t be if you get arrested, so just let it go.”

Neil startles when Andrew sags against him, but Nicky just looks relieved. “God, it’s like deja-vu. I’m not cleaning up the parking lot,” he tells Andrew as an afterthought, and sits heavily on the curb. 

Andrew rights himself after a moment and wipes his hand under his nose, only succeeding in smearing the blood dripping from it further. Neil gives it a considering look and doesn’t think it’s broken. He tells Andrew as much, who gives him a sarcastic thumbs up in answer.

“Did you guys join some kind of fight club I’m not aware of? That was like ten people!” Nicky rubs at his jaw and scowls. “We’re actually going to have to call the cops this time,” he complains, and pulls out his phone to text Aaron before dialing. 

It doesn’t take long for the police to arrive, and they don’t seem particularly concerned for the now-conscious group as they ask some questions.

“That Don again?” one of the cops asks her partner, who sighs and nods. Neither seem surprised to hear that he and Andrew hadn’t instigated the fight, and they’re told to leave the premises without being charged.

The drive home is tense, and Nicky breaks the silence to reprimand them both. “You can’t be getting into fights anymore, one of these times the police won’t be on your side.”

Andrew mutters “they just didn’t want to do their jobs,” but remains quiet for the rest of the drive. Nicky decides then and there that they’ll be moving up to the university early, and tells Andrew to call Wymack in the morning. 

Nicky waves Aaron off as he meets them at the door, then mutters a short goodnight before leaving them in the living room. 

“What happened?” Aaron asks suspiciously, as he hands them each a bag of frozen vegetables. Andrew gives him a bored stare and sets the bag down, unused. Neil doesn’t have anything against peas as long as they’re not on his plate, so he presses the bag to his ribs beneath his shirt. 

“Some asshole grabbed Andrew so he shoved him, and then he and his friends took it personally,” Neil says when Andrew doesn’t answer.

Aaron shrugs and says “sounds like a dick,” before leaving as well, probably to go check on Nicky.

“Yes or no?”

Andrew glances at him. “Yes.” He rolls his eyes when Neil presses the frozen bag to his knuckles, but doesn’t move away.

“I’d rather fight those assholes again than call Wymack tomorrow,” Andrew mutters, and stands to return the vegetables to the freezer before walking towards their room. 

Neil meets him there and they sit on the edge of the bed in silence. It’s only a few days until June but the idea of living with an adult other than his mother makes Neil’s skin crawl. “Wymack or Abby?” he asks, half-sure he knows who Andrew will choose.

“Abby,” he says, confirming Neil’s suspicions. He grabs some clean clothes and walks out of the room, and Neil hears the shower start.

Andrew returns moments later, hair dripping wet and armbands noticeably absent. Once Neil stands, he drags the comforter over to a corner far from the door and burrows into it. Neil takes that as his cue to leave and showers quickly.

Andrew is half-asleep when he walks back into the room, but he relinquishes his hold on the covers so Neil can share before he curls up on his side again. It begins to rain, heavy drops falling against the roof. The sound mixes with Andrew’s steady breathing and he lets it lull him to sleep.


	18. Go

The next morning they pack quickly and begin the drive to Palmetto State. Andrew calls Wymack on the way, scowling throughout the phone call and providing clipped answers after he explains why they need a place to stay. He holds out the phone away from his face as the coach yells, and eventually tosses it to Nicky in the backseat instead.

He waves to get Andrew’s attention and mouths ‘Coach or Abby?’ 

Neil catches his eyes in the rear view mirror instead. “Abby.” 

Nicky repeats the answer to Wymack and talks for a few more minutes before handing the phone back up to the front. 

Andrew holds it back up to his ear as Wymack curtly explains how to get to Abby’s house. “Don’t get into any more fights,” he warns, and ends the call before Andrew can hang up on him. 

They make it to the house in just over an hour. Nicky rings the bell and the door opens to reveal the disgruntled coach. Andrew was half expecting to see him there, but it doesn’t make it any easier to stand in arms reach of the man. Neil shoves his hands in his pockets and looks equally displeased.

Wymack steps aside to let them in. “You three range from bad to worse,” he says, eyeing the bruises coloring Andrew’s face. Nicky has one on his jaw and Neil’s face is mostly unscathed, though the end of his eyebrow is sliced through with a shallow cut. “Nice to see you have some sense,” he adds to Aaron, who crosses his arms in stony silence as he steps inside.

Wymack leads them into the kitchen to reveal two women. The closer of the two extends her hand and introduces herself as Abby, the team’s nurse. Andrew doesn’t shake it so Nicky steps forward instead.

“I’m Nicky, the twins’ cousin. That’s Andrew, and this is Aaron. It’s not that hard to tell them apart when you know them but I’d go with the bruises or the armbands for now.” Aaron rolls his eyes at that and Andrew notices the other woman staring intently at them. “And that’s Neil,” Nicky finishes after a moment and glances at the other woman expectantly. She takes the hint and steps forward, but doesn’t offer her hand.

“I’m Betsy Dobson, I work at Palmetto State as a psychiatrist. I’ll be meeting with you twice this year, though you’re always welcome to meet with me as often as you’d like.” She doesn’t balk at the bruises on his face or the lack of friendliness, and only smiles when none of them answer.

“I was about to make some hot cocoa, would anyone like any?”

Andrew doesn’t have anything against chocolate or free drinks so he accepts. Nicky politely declines and Neil shakes his head, eyes slightly narrowed in distrust. Andrew nudges him with his shoulder and Neil blinks, expression smoothing over immediately as soon as Betsy turns away. Aaron and Nicky make their way to the kitchen table, and Nicky makes small talk with the team’s nurse while Aaron continues to sit in silence.

Abby busies herself making pasta and Wymack settles onto the couch in the living room to pour over a stack of files. After Betsy hands him his drink Andrew sits across from the coach in an armchair. He catches his name on one of the sheets and moves to peer over his shoulder. Neil soon joins him and grins as he sees Andrew’s stats.

Wymack closes the file and turns to look at them instead.

“You have some of the best statistics I’ve seen,” he tells Andrew. “But I also saw a tape of you play. You clearly couldn’t care less about Exy.” Andrew shrugs and doesn’t bother defending himself when it’s clearly the truth.

When the coach realizes he won’t get an answer he faces Neil instead. “You play like you have nothing left to lose. And maybe you don’t. I won’t ask, it’s not my business. But I do think you’ll be able to help bring my team up from last place.” He shakes his head and doesn’t continue with whatever he was going to add.

Abby takes that moment to call them into the kitchen, bowls of pasta already placed around the table. The three adults pick up a conversation and do their best to include their guests, but between Aaron ignoring them and Neil’s carefully crafted answers they don’t learn much about any of them. Only Nicky is willing to play along, but the others seem grateful for any allowances he’ll give, though they’re probably used to this from the other Foxes already.

Once dinner is finished Wymack and Betsy make their leave, thanking Abby for the meal. As Wymack reaches the door, he turns to face them. “Are any of you planning on practicing before the season starts?” At Neil’s nod he fishes around in his pocket before handing him a ring of keys. 

“I’ll show you which is which tomorrow. You’ll meet your teammates in a few days for move ins and that’s when Abby will conduct your physicals.” He gives a short nod at the end of his statement and walks out the door without another word.

The next few days go by smoothly enough. Abby mostly keeps to herself but she actually cooks, which is more than Andrew can say for the rest of them. He and Neil lived off of sandwiches and fruit for the most part in California, and Nicky generally brought home food from Eden’s or ordered takeout for them.

It isn’t long before they’re moving into the dorms and scheduled to meet the rest of their teammates. Andrew is less than enthused, and only Nicky seems genuinely excited for the introduction. Aaron stopped ignoring them after the first night at Abby’s, and has already voiced his displeasure about the situation. Neil is more excited to play Exy itself, since all he’s been able to do so far are various drills without willing teammates to practice with.

Andrew drives to the stadium in silence and pulls into an empty spot near the front. Wymack had told them the code the night before and Andrew punches in 0513. He resists the urge to roll his eyes as he recognizes the date as the day they’d been signed to the Foxes, and steps into the stadium. Abby had left early that morning to conduct physicals, and she steps out of her office to greet them.

Wymack appears next with stacks of paperwork that they all quickly sign. He drops a stack of school catalogues in front of them and leaves them to peruse majors while Abby calls them into her office one at a time. Nicky opts to go first and returns quickly, settling onto the bench next to Aaron and motioning for him to go next. His physical takes slightly longer and he’s scowling as he returns, though he says he’s been cleared to play.

Neil sighs and stands to go next, messing with the hem of his shirt. He takes almost twice as long as Aaron had, and Nicky is beginning to look concerned when Neil finally emerges with an irritated expression. Andrew raises his eyebrows in question but Neil shrugs him off so he walks into Abby’s office cautiously.

The check up is routine, just height and weight and reflexes for the most part. Andrew realizes why Neil had been acting cagey when Abby orders him to take off his shirt, and then his armbands as an afterthought. Andrew pulls off his shirt and glares as she motions to his arms.

“I have to take blood and check for track marks, both of which I can’t do with those in the way,” she explains, but it doesn’t make it any easier as he tries to determine a way to get out of it. 

After a few minutes of this, she sighs and tells him to put his shirt back on. 

“Neil told me you already know about his scars,” she starts. “I’m going to assume you have a similar reason for keeping the armbands on, even if no one else seems to notice.” He crosses his arms and scowls at the floor in silence.

“I can’t clear you to play without taking blood.” Her tone goes soft as she adds “I don’t know if Wymack will keep your family’s contracts without you in goal, he needs a win this season and it starts with you. Whatever happens in here is confidential and I won’t tell David anything you don’t want me to,” she promises.

“You’re not going to tell anyone anything,” Andrew says, and she nods in agreement.

If Neil could take off his shirt in front of her, Andrew can do this. He grits his teeth and peels off his armbands, staring Abby in the eye as he holds his arms out in front of him, palms facing upwards.

Her expression is blank as she draws blood from his left arm, though she holds tension in her shoulders as she scans for track marks through the scars. She doesn’t ask for explanations and instead rattles off a couple of resources including Betsy should he want to utilize them.

He pulls his armbands on as soon as she gives the okay, and walks out the door without a goodbye. 

Neil seems to have recovered by the time he’s done, and he stands as soon as Andrew makes it to the bench. Nicky mutters “finally,” but he doesn’t ask why he and Neil had taken so much longer than he and Aaron had.

“Coach says we can go to Fox Tower now,” Aaron says and starts towards the parking lot.

Andrew makes the short drive to the dorms and parks next to a monstrous blue truck. They’re the last to arrive at the first floor of the tower, and the blonde girl they’d met in California sighs dramatically.

“Finally. Let’s get this over with.”

Dan stands and introduces herself to Aaron and Nicky. A boy with almost a foot and a half on Andrew stands next to her. 

“Matt Boyd, starting backliner.”

The other members of the Foxes introduce themselves, and Andrew commits their names to memory automatically. Seth, Allison, Renee, Juan, Reggie, Damien, Dwayne.

Seth immediately narrows his eyes at Nicky and Andrew already knows he’ll be his least favorite of the group. He steps forward, half a foot in front of Nicky, and stares him down. Nicky rolls his eyes but doesn’t step out from behind him as he says “the one with no manners is Andrew.”

“The one smart enough to not get into a fist fight is Aaron, that’s Neil by Andrew, and I’m Nicky.”

Now that they’d met the team, Wymack dismisses them to go unpack and walks out to the parking lot. The Foxes filter out until just Neil and Andrew are left. The door opens again and the girl with the rainbow hair- Renee, his mind corrects, walks back into the room.

She stands in front of Andrew and smiles. “I play goalkeeper too, along with Reggie.” She scans the bruises on his face with a calm expression. “Would you like to spar with me one day? I’ve found I’m getting out of practice without a partner.”

Neil narrows his eyes at her in suspicion and shoots Andrew a surprised look as he agrees. She turns to Neil questioningly and he quickly declines.

She nods easily. “It’s an open offer if you change your mind. It was nice meeting both of you,” she says, and walks back outside.

As soon as she’s gone, Neil crosses his arms and faces Andrew. “I don’t trust her.”

“Your concern is noted,” he replies dryly and follows her out.

The rooms are set up so Neil, Andrew, and his family can share while the girls occupy the second room, leaving the third for the rest of the boys. They unpack quickly enough and Neil passes him a school catalogue.

Andrew hands it back and says “I’m just going to pick the same major as you.”

“I’m majoring in either mathematics or Spanish,” Neil tells him with a grin.

“I hate you so much right now,” Andrew complains. “I can’t think of worse subjects to pick. Maybe history,” he amends.

“Just pick something, you know it doesn’t matter much.” He laughs at Andrew’s scowl and says “at least choose something useful then. Psychology can’t hurt,” he adds, eyeing the list of popular majors offered at PSU.

Andrew shrugs. “Okay,” he says, and Neil closes the booklet.

Nicky watches the exchange in silence and looks away when Neil raises his eyebrows at him.

He finally finds his words and asks “is that how you make all your decisions?” Andrew doesn’t dignify him with an answer and instead walks out to where he saw a staircase earlier. He takes it up until he reaches a door, and quickly sabotages the lock with a knife until it clicks open. He walks to the edge of the roof and sits with his legs hanging over the edge, relishing in the twinge of fear that breaks through his ever-present apathy.

Neil joins him not too long after, and settles down next to him on the roof.

He gives Andrew a considering look. “If you’re afraid of heights why do you choose to be in high places?”

“To feel,” he answers honestly, and knows the height isn’t the only factor in his racing heart.

Neil might have figured it out too, because he says “yes or no,” looking at Andrew with that same earnest expression.

“Yes,” Andrew says, and Neil grabs his hand, lacing their fingers together. “Okay?” he asks and receives a nod for his efforts. Andrew puts his free hand on his waist and leans in to kiss Neil.

The other boy pulls back and says “we’re way too close to the edge.” Andrew moves out from the edge of the roof without complaint, still holding Neil’s hand. Once they’re deemed to be a safe distance away, Neil curls his hand into Andrew’s hair and kisses him.

Andrew forgets about his bruises, about the stupid physical and his scars, as the world melts away and leaves only Neil. He’s unsteady by the time they break apart, Neil’s pulse beating wildly against his hand where it rests at his throat. 

The mosquitoes from hell are already buzzing around his ears. He swats at one as he stands, and pulls Neil up with him to walk back to their new room. Neil raises the key ring from Wymack and asks “night practice?”

“You’re insufferable,” Andrew answers as he grabs the keys to the Jeep. Neil hooks their pinkies together as they walk to the car. They stay out far too late, Neil’s drills interrupted with kisses whenever Andrew gets too bored, and he thinks he might be able to get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The other Foxes’ names are from the extra content since they’re starting at PSU earlier than Neil had.  
> It’s gonna pick up soon I promise


	19. Social Climb

Living with Aaron and Nicky is different in the dorms. Nicky is under less stress now that he isn’t working nights, and he acts accordingly. One of the first things he uses Wymack’s credit card to buy is a video game system along with a few games. He promptly uses it to make all the important decisions, such as who has to talk to the upperclassmen or buy ice cream at the store. 

He has a distinct advantage since he apparently played most of the games growing up, but Neil and Aaron aren’t above using their upbringings to guilt him into doing things anyway.

After a particularly close loss Aaron says “I wish I had been able to practice as much as you did. Mom didn’t have enough money to buy things like video games or toys when I was younger.” The unspoken ‘she spent it on drugs and alcohol instead’ isn’t missed by the other three.

Nicky shoves at his shoulder lightly. “You’re not guilting me out of this again, it’s your turn to do laundry.”

Neil prefers to outright lie instead to keep things interesting. “I didn’t know that video games existed until I was fifteen,” he says with an innocent expression.

Andrew rolls his eyes and nudges him with his boot, but he doesn’t sell him out as he sets down the controller.

Nicky sighs dramatically. “Andrew? Want to make it three for three?”

Andrew shrugs. “I’ll help you do laundry,” he says instead, and Nicky throws his hands in the air.

“Aaron is doing the fucking laundry,” he grumbles, but he also stands to gather his clothes so Neil figures Aaron’s safe for now.

They all end up walking down to the floor’s communal laundry area anyway after Neil offers to help as well. Aaron grabs his laundry basket and mutters that he’s not going to be a jackass if no one else will, which Nicky seems to appreciate. 

Laundry is much easier with functional washers and dryers instead of doing everything by hand, though only two of the machines are free. Andrew and Neil opt to come back later instead of waiting, so Nicky sets an alarm on his phone and lets them know he’ll text them when it’s done. They go their separate ways after that, Aaron towards the library and Nicky somewhere in the opposite direction.

Andrew walks back up to their room so Neil follows and sits down at his desk to plan out his classes for the semester. He mostly has to take required classes for freshmen like English and a science, but he’s able to take two classes towards his major. He’d ended up choosing mathematics, rationalizing that he doesn’t need to be fluent in Spanish anymore since he’s not planning on running any time soon. He chooses a statistics course as one of his classes, since Andrew is required to take it as well for his own major.

Andrew sits cross legged on the desk next to his, so Neil hands him the booklet containing all the classes offered in the semester. He scans Neil’s paper before choosing the same time slots for his required classes, though he adds an introductory psychology course in place of calculus.

“Why do you have six classes?”

Neil glances at Andrews paper to see only four classes scheduled. “It’s the recommended amount.”

“For four year students, we get five.” 

Neil immediately crosses out history and chemistry from his paper. His and Andrew’s schedules mostly align, though Andrew doesn’t have a space free for lunch in order to take classes later in the day.

“When are you planning to eat?” Neil asks, as he crosses out a scheduling conflict from his own paper.

Andrew shrugs, already bored of the conversation. Neil doesn’t really blame him, and closes the course booklet. 

Their first official practice is tomorrow morning and Neil is eager to finally play with his team. Andrew has been mostly uncooperative during their nightly practices, not even bothering to change out into his new uniform. He spends his time sitting against the goal while Neil takes shots at it, occasionally tossing Exy balls back to him when he runs out. His aim is getting better, mostly due to the fact that he doesn’t particularly want to hit Andrew while he’s in goal, though Andrew doesn’t seem like he’d care either way at this point.

Nicky eventually texts that the two washers are free so they haul their laundry down to the empty room. The hours tick by slowly after that, and Neil skips going down to the stadium that night in favor of catching up on sleep.

He wakes up early the next morning, jittery with anticipation until it’s finally close enough to practice time that Andrew drives them to the court. They’re the first to arrive and Neil scopes out the locker room to find that the showers actually have stalls. When he makes it back to his oversized locker Nicky and Aaron are nowhere to be seen.

Andrew intercepts his glance and says “they already changed out.” He looks unsurprised as Neil takes his gear to the bathrooms, and by the time he returns Andrew is sporting the bright orange practice clothes as well. 

The locker room door slams open to reveal Matt, who waves at the pair. Andrew doesn’t bother pretending at looking interested, so Neil nods back at him and follows Andrew out to the foyer. Nicky had commandeered one of the couches and Neil sits at the end next to Andrew as they wait for the rest of the Foxes.

Dan and Renee join them as well, and shortly after the rest of the team filters in. Seth is last, giving Nicky a glare at the far side of the couch. Andrew leans forward to glare right back at Seth. 

“Do you have a problem with Nicky?” he asks flatly.

Seth’s eyes flash with anger. “Yeah I have a problem, he’s a fucking f-“

Allison silences him with a sharp elbow as Wymack walks into the room. 

“What are you all sitting around for? Dan grab the equipment, the rest of you start laps.” He’s met with some grumbling from the upperclassmen, but they all file into the court and run laps along the walls.

After they’re finished Dan leads them through some stretches and begins setting up the court for drills. Some of them are familiar from the team in Columbia, though most are new. After a few minutes Renee and Reggie pull Andrew aside to work on drills of their own, and they eventually all meet up to scrimmage. 

Neil is put into Seth’s team, something the upperclassman is not pleased with. Wymack puts Andrew on the opposing team and benches Reggie for the night.

“You have another goalie,” Andrew points out. 

“Thanks for the tip.” Unfazed, Wymack adds “I want to see how long you can keep up that zero goal streak.”

The scrimmage starts up a few minutes later, and Neil has made it his mission tonight to not pass to Seth, so he practices his aim as he bounces the ball off the wall to himself. He breaks around Nicky to shoot at the goal, and it lights up red behind Andrew, who didn’t bother raising his racquet to defend it.

He casts Coach a disinterested look and says “whoops,” flatly. Neil isn’t close enough to hear Wymack sigh, but he sees his shoulders rise and fall with the force of it.

Andrew slams the ball down the court after that and looks bored out of his mind as he lazily deflects shots aimed at him.

Juan has possession right now and is making his way to Renee, so Neil takes the time to walk over to Andrew. He doesn’t miss the weight of Wymack’s stare, but he ignores it in favor of standing in front of the goal.

“I think you’re supposed to be somewhere else,” Andrew says in greeting. 

Neil shrugs it off and asks “want to make the game more interesting?” Andrew raises his eyebrows so Neil takes that as his cue to continue. “I’ll start passing to Seth if you’ll bounce the rebounds off his helmet.” Andrew doesn’t quite smile, but it’s a near thing as he fixes his stance in the goal.

The next time Neil has possession he passes to Seth. He looks surprised, but wastes no time in shooting the ball. Andrew blocks it and sure enough, he bounces the ball off of his helmet. Seth immediately throws his racquet aside and starts for Andrew, but Allison reaches him first and drags him away.

Dan pauses the scrimmage to assess the situation, and when Seth has calmed down enough to reclaim his racquet she starts it up again. Nicky seems more interested in seeing what Andrew will do rather than play, so Neil goes easily around him and aims towards the upper corner of the goal. Andrew slams the ball all the way to Renee in the other goal, who blocks it and sends it back up to Matt.

Neil sneaks a glance at Wymack and finds him defeatedly staring at the court. The scrimmage ends a few minutes later and Coach sends them on more laps as punishment. Andrew walks his so Neil jogs ahead and makes his way over to Dan, Matt, and Nicky before Dan motions for him to slow. 

“Do you want to get in on our bet?” she asks, and at Neil’s confused look she explains “we’re betting on whether Andrew and Renee will get together.”

“I’m not going to bet on that,” Neil tells her, and frowns when Allison joins them. 

“You can’t anyway,” Nicky tells him. “You have vested interest.”

Allison’s eyes narrow and she abstains from the bet until she can talk to Renee. Neil doesn’t bother asking why and breaks away from the group. He doesn’t mind Dan or Matt so far, but he doesn’t particularly trust Renee so he slows until she and Andrew catch up to him. 

He doesn’t know what he was expecting their conversation to be about, but it definitely wasn’t ice cream flavors. Renee smiles as he begins walking with them, and makes an effort to draw him into the conversation. 

Ignoring her question, Neil asks “do the others always bet on things that aren’t their business?”

“It depends,” she says neutrally, and doesn’t elaborate. As they finish their lap she turns to Andrew. “It was nice of you to walk with me. I’ll see you later to spar.” 

The Foxes meet back up in the foyer after showering. Allison pulls Renee aside and they have a quiet conversation before walking over to the others again. Neil catches Renee say that she has plans with Andrew when Allison rounds on Neil. 

“Dan and Matt and I are going to watch a movie, do you want to join us?”

If Andrew is going to be sparring with Renee, Neil doesn’t really have anything else to do. “Nicky will probably want to come too,” he says, and she nods in answer.

Neil tells Nicky about the plans on their way to the car. It’s unsurprising when he readily agrees, but the cheer he gives seems unfit for the occasion.

“You just won me five bucks,” he explains with a grin. “Dan didn’t think you’d join them. Do you think I’ll get double since you invited me?”

Andrew already has a cigarette out and lit when he reaches the car, and he doesn’t start driving until it’s already half gone. Allison is waiting outside their dorm room when they arrive, so Neil bids Andrew a quick goodbye and follows Nicky to her room. 

Upon their arrival Dan raises her eyebrows and fishes around in her pocket to hand Nicky a crumpled five dollar bill. Matt rattles off a couple movies that Neil has unsurprisingly never heard of, and they vote towards one that Nicky promises has a lot of action.

Halfway through the movie Neil is torn between being bored of the plot and indignant at how inaccurate the injuries are. Thankfully Renee chooses that moment to walk in, bruises on her face and arms. Andrew follows shortly after, sporting a split lip and fresh bruises that are beginning to cover the old ones.

Neil scoots closer to Dan so Andrew can have the end seat on the couch.

“Those were your plans with the monster?” Allison sputters.

Andrew casts her a bored look at the nickname and walks out the door. Renee frowns at her friend in disapproval while Neil stands. 

“Finish the movie without me,” he says dismissively, and leaves to go find Andrew. 


	20. Favorite Place

Sparring Renee has been one of the more interesting things to happen since Andrew had begun living in the dorms. The fact that she won their first fight was even more compelling, so he accepted her offer when she suggested that they spar any time one of them needs to let off steam. After a particularly close match she’d told him about the gang she was in, how she was born again and striving to be a good person, and most importantly, she’d told him about the knives she keeps hidden in her closet.

That’s why he finds himself picking the lock to her dorm room at nine in the morning halfway through July instead of standing in goal pretending to care about Exy. He’d told Neil to drive Aaron and Nicky to practice and that he would meet them there later. Wymack won’t be pleased but he probably won’t send out a search party either, and it’s not like his presence in goal has been particularly helpful anyway.

He finds the box hidden in Renee’s closet and carefully takes out each knife before replacing them with his own. He puts the box back exactly where he’d found it and closes the door behind him before slowly making his way to practice, new knives tucked safely in his armbands.

His phone rings when he reaches the stadium, and he checks the number to see that it’s Wymack. He doesn’t bother answering and instead changes out in the empty locker room for what’s left of practice. He finds Coach by the bleachers and gives him a two-fingered salute as he walks over.

“So you’re not sick, running errands, or dead as the members of your group would have me to believe,” he deadpans, listing the reasons off with his fingers.

“Errands is closest,” Andrew says in answer, not caring to elaborate. Coach doesn’t seem to want the real reason why he’s late anyway, just tells him not to make a habit of it and to get in goal for the rest of practice.

Andrew does so without complaint, and ignores the stares of his teammates as he walks to the goal Renee is currently occupying. She smiles in greeting and moves to step out of the goal when Andrew stops her.

“Cancel your plans for tonight, you’re coming with me to Eden’s Twilight.”

She agrees easily and walks off the court to stand next to Wymack. Andrew puts some effort into blocking the goal since practice is almost over, and none of the strikers score a point against him this morning. Coach is in better spirits today and they’re let out of practice without running laps this time. 

Neil jogs over to him from the other side of the court, full of energy despite running nonstop since he’d arrived.

“Nicky says we have to go shopping,” he says with a scowl as they make their way to the locker room. 

Nicky catches up and falls in line beside them. “We just got groceries,” Andrew points out.

“You’re going clothes shopping. You guys have like ten outfits between the two of you.” 

“I have eight,” Neil defends. He grins at Andrew traitorously and adds “Andrew’s all look the same. He could have three shirts for all we know.”

“It’s like you want to go shopping.” Neil sticks his tongue out at him and dodges Nicky when he tries to hand him a credit card.

“I have money,” he says stubbornly. 

“It’s Coach’s,” Nicky explains, and holds the card out to Andrew instead. He doesn’t have any qualms about taking Coach’s things so he tucks the card into his armband until he can change out of his gear.

He doesn’t bother speaking to the rest of his teammates as he grabs his clothes and walks to the showers. He peels his armbands off and places them carefully on top of his towel, begrudgingly grateful for the privacy the stalls provide.

Neil intercepts him at his locker and waits until all the gear is shoved in before joining him on the bench to wait for Nicky and Aaron.

“Nicky’s going to try to pick out outfits for us,” Neil says with a frown.

“Nicky is being dropped off at the dorm with Aaron.”

Neil laughs. “If you picked out clothes like you choose sunglasses we probably wouldn’t have to go.”

“You’re half the problem,” Nicky answers before Andrew can, sitting down on the bench next to him. Aaron finally joins them a few minutes later and they walk out to the car for the short drive back to Fox Tower.

Aaron doesn’t complain when he isn’t included in their trip, but Nicky is less than enthused.

“You two have the worst taste I’ve ever seen. Andrew, get something other than black. Or gray,” he adds quickly, narrowing his eyes. “Neil, please at least try pick out something that isn’t eight sizes too big for you.”

“Nicky,” Andrew warns, and he holds up his hands in surrender.

“Okay, okay, I’m done!” He gives them a wave as Andrew backs the Jeep out of the parking spot and drives away. 

Thirty seconds later Neil gets a text from him and reads it out loud to Andrew. “Neil, you had the only pair of keys besides Andrew and now we’re locked out. Sad face.”

“Tell him I don’t care,” Andrew says helpfully. Neil dutifully relays the message to Nicky and shuts his phone off. 

Andrew hands him his own phone, still buzzing, so Neil can read him the new texts from Nicky. “Neil, stop turning your phone off. Andrew, fuck off.”

“Nice,” Andrew deadpans, and pulls into a parking spot. He takes his phone back from Neil and tells Nicky to ask Renee to pick the lock for him. 

A few minutes later he receives a picture featuring a grinning Nicky with Renee crouched at the door behind him. He shows the picture to Neil as they wander around the store aimlessly and is rewarded with a laugh. 

Neil veers off to a clothing rack towards the back without warning. He returns with a short sleeved black shirt and says “we can leave now,” as he hands it to Andrew. 

In retaliation Andrew finds a blue shirt that looks like it’ll reach Neil’s knees and tosses it to him. They spend the rest of the trip making fun of each other’s clothes and picking out the tackiest shirts they can find.

Neil has a knack for finding the softest clothes in the store so Andrew half-tries to find things that they’ll both like. Once they’ve finally checked out Andrew throws the bags in the backseat and drives them back to the dorms.

“I’m taking Renee to Eden’s tonight to find out more about her. Do you want to go?”

Neil shrugs. “I’ll stay. Someone has to keep an eye on Nicky.”

“I’ll be back tomorrow then.”

Neil kisses him after he parks at the curb, and Andrew almost considers texting Renee to cancel. He eventually breaks away and Neil grabs their clothes and his duffle bag before giving him one last kiss goodbye.

He’s still got an hour before he’s supposed to meet Renee here, so he puts the car in drive and makes his way to Wymack’s apartment. He follows a car into the gated complex and parks outside the building. Once he gets to apartment 724 he picks the lock and wanders around before finding the office. Wymack isn’t in it so he sits at the desk and waits, skimming through the papers scattered on his desk. Once he gets bored with that he heads to the liquor cabinet and grabs a bottle of vodka to stash at the dorms later. 

The front door slams shut just as he’s returned to the office, so he sits down at the desk and sets the bottle down beside him. Wymack walks in a second later and startles when he notices Andrew.

“Get your feet off my desk,” he says, and moves to grab at the vodka. Andrew swipes the bottle before Coach can confiscate it, and sets his credit card down in its place.

“Receipt.” Wymack holds out a hand and scans the total before adding it to the papers on his desk.

“This better not be a habit,” he says, gesturing vaguely at Andrew. He doesn’t clarify whether he means the price or his presence in general, but Andrew’s willing to bet that it’s the latter. 

“Go home,” he says shortly. Andrew doesn’t have to be told twice so he takes the vodka and stuffs it into his backpack. He gives Wymack a salute and walks out of the apartment before he can get lectured.

Renee is just pushing open the doors when he gets back to Fox Tower, so he pulls up to the curb and unlocks the car. Nicky races out after her and dives into the backseat. Renee gives him an apologetic smile and shrugs as she opens the passenger door.

She moves his backpack to sit in the backseat and raises her eyebrows at its weight. She doesn’t ask though, and he doesn’t offer any answers as he begins the drive to Columbia.

Nicky has no such qualms about prying and immediately yanks open his backpack. He cheers upon seeing the vodka and unscrews the cap.

“Don’t spill that in my car,” Andrew says, and receives a thumbs up in reply as Nicky starts to gulp down the liquor. Andrew allows it for a few minutes before he steps on the breaks hard enough to jolt them forwards. Nicky takes the hint and caps the bottle tightly before shoving it back into Andrew’s bag.

He turns up the radio to drown out his cousin’s complaining and drives for about an hour until Nicky pesters him to make a stop at Sweetie’s. He lets Nicky and Renee get seated by the hostess while he detours to the salad bar. By the time he makes it to the booth Nicky is already ordering, so Andrew empties the crackers onto a napkin before shoving the packets into the waiter’s apron before he leaves.

The ice cream arrives shortly, as does the cracker dust that Andrew pockets for later. He probably won’t take any tonight, but it doesn’t hurt to keep some spares around the dorms for Aaron. Nicky holds out a hand and Andrew dutifully deposits one of the packets into it before looking to Renee.

“The ice cream is fine for me.” Nicky shrugs and grabs a spoon. They dig into the ice cream and Nicky leaves a stack of twenties on the table before they make their exit. He offers to drive them to Eden’s so they can find a table and is met with matching flat looks. 

“I’m just tipsy,” he says, but doesn’t argue after Andrew glares at him while he unlocks the car. They eventually decide to just park together and find a table since Renee hasn’t been here before.

Andrew pulls up to the curb to grab a parking tag from the bouncers, and circles around until he finds a parking spot towards the back. 

Nicky makes a beeline for the bar, leaving Andrew and Renee to fend for a table themselves.

“I seem to have acquired a new set of knives,” Renee says as they find an unoccupied one.

“Strange,” he replies impassively, pulling one of her knives from his armband. The club’s light reflects off of it and into his face as he slips it back into the sheath.

Renee’s face has gone carefully blank and he realizes his mistake. “Sorry,” he says, actually meaning it, and leaves the table to get drinks. Nicky’s gone when he reaches the bar, probably several shots in and already on the dance floor. He orders a variety of shots from a bartender he hasn’t seen before, and then a soda as an afterthought. Renee is back to herself by the time he gets back, and she gratefully accepts the soda as he sets down the tray.

He gets to work on the shots, knowing that if he wants to earn Renee’s secrets he’ll have to share a few of his own, and he’s not willing to do that without some help. By the end of the hour he’s halfway to drunk, enough information traded between the two that they know they’ll be able to trust each other. She’s more similar to him than anyone would guess in passing, but it’s ultimately unsurprising when she tells him that the Foxes have begun betting on the existence of a relationship between them.

“I told Allison that it would never happen, but she didn’t believe me until the movie.”

“She won’t have to worry about losing money there,” Andrew promises. His mind wanders to Neil and he wonders if he’s asleep yet. Knowing him, he’s probably at the court or waiting for him to get back to the dorm.

Renee is either perceptive enough to know about Neil or she doesn’t want to pry more to ask for an explanation, because she easily agrees to drive them to Fox Tower instead of the house in Columbia after they collect Nicky.

He must fall asleep on the drive back, because he wakes to the feel of his elbow slamming into Renee. She waves off his apology with something like understanding in her eyes, so Andrew steps out of the car and reaches over Nicky to grab his backpack. He nudges his cousin awake with the toe of his boot and walks over to the driver’s seat. Holding his hand out to Renee for his keys,he gives her a nod and treks across the parking lot and up the stairs to the dorm.

Neil is awake and sitting on the bottom bunk bed when Andrew walks into the bedroom. 

“Hey, I thought you were coming back tomorrow.” Andrew sits down beside him wordlessly.

“Are you okay?”

“We can trust Renee,” Andrew says. Wants to say  _ I missed you  _ instead.

Neil nods and Andrew thinks he might know anyway. “I’m glad you’re back,” he says with a small smile.

Andrew showers and changes into pajamas and by the time he gets back Nicky is asleep and snoring on the opposite bunk. Neil is sitting at his desk so Andrew curls up on the barely-used bed. The shots are good for something at least, and he falls asleep almost immediately.


	21. Pretty Venom (Interlude)

Andrew wakes to Nicky having a hushed but frantic conversation with Neil. He checks his phone to find it a little past three and realizes that the shots have all but worn off by now, leaving only a lingering feeling of nausea. Nicky looks over when his phone casts a dim light into the room, and walks over to the bed.

“I left my phone at the club,” he says miserably. “Are you good to drive?”

Andrew sits up to lace his boots up over his sweatpants and fishes his keys out of the jeans he’d worn earlier.

Neil frowns. “I know you were drinking, I’ll drive.”

He looks dead on his feet as he stands from the desk chair and rubs the back of his neck. Andrew balances on one foot and deadpans “ta-da,” before pocketing the keys.

When Neil glares at him he says “it’s been hours and you look closer to falling asleep at the wheel than I am. Go to sleep, I’ll call you when we’re on our way back.” 

“What about Aaron?” Nicky whispers.

“If I wasn’t able to drive, I wouldn’t,” Andrew tells them pointedly, and walks out before they can argue more. Nicky trails behind despondently, and somehow still manages to look unsteady on his feet.

“I don’t know Erik’s phone number.” He kicks at a loose rock and watches it tumble down the stairs.

Andrew clicks on Erik’s contact information and wordlessly holds out his phone to his cousin.

Nicky doesn’t talk much on the drive back to Eden’s, probably texting Erik, and Andrew has to let him know when they arrive. The club is more busy at four than it was at nine, but Nicky eventually finds his phone with a triumphant cheer. He’s more subdued when he examines the newly-shattered screen as they exit the club and make their way back to the car.

It doesn’t take long for Andrew to spot the two Exy players walking towards them in the parking lot.

“Shit,” Nicky whispers. He’s got at least half a foot on Riko but Kevin stands an inch or two taller than him. Andrew knows Nicky won’t be much good in a fight after his earlier commitment to down as much vodka as was physically possible, and silently calculates his chances alone. 

He doesn’t really have anything against Kevin besides his willingness to be in Riko’s shadow, but he’s starting to realize Riko isn’t going to take no for an answer.

“Doe,” he greets, and scans his expression. Andrew doesn’t rise to Riko’s bait and keeps his face carefully blank while Nicky recoils like he’s been burned.

“Have you reconsidered being second-best yet?” Andrew asks Kevin, completely ignoring the other striker.

Riko clenches his jaw and steps forward but Andrew doesn’t miss the barely-there flinch Kevin gives.

“Where’s the amateur, I thought he’d be here too.” He gives a dismissive look to Nicky and disregards him altogether. “There’s no place for Neil in a Class I team, though maybe there’s more to him than meets the eye.”

“I can’t say the same for you,” Andrew says coolly. “Perhaps there’s more to Kevin than his performance on the court. If he wasn’t being held back to keep from overshadowing you maybe we’d be able to see it one day.”

Riko’s eyes flash with anger and he lunges towards Andrew. Andrew casually sidesteps him and moves next to Kevin who stands frozen in fear. Riko grabs Nicky instead, catching him in the chest with a punch. Andrew is there in a heartbeat, long-buried anger surfacing again. 

He smashes a fist into his tattooed cheekbone and simultaneously knees him in the stomach. Riko isn’t much taller than he is and apparently isn’t practiced in fighting because he crumples to the ground almost immediately.

“Stay away from me, stay away from my family, and stay away from Neil,” he says, punctuating each word with a kick. Riko isn’t conscious enough to reply after a second heavy punch to the face, so he turns to Kevin instead.

The striker is standing right where he’d left him, looking as though he’s waiting to wake up from a nightmare. Andrew snaps his fingers in his face impatiently. 

“Do I need to hit you too?”

Kevin meets his eyes. “You have no idea what you’ve just done.”

Andrew shakes out his hand and examines his knuckles with bored detachment. “I’ve heard worse before.”

Nicky comes to his senses and drags Andrew away by his sleeve, muttering an apology to Kevin. 

Once they’re a few feet away he crosses his arms and faces him.

“This is your third fucking fight since we’ve met. I don’t know what to do anymore, Andrew! You’re going to get arrested.”

“It’s none of your concern.”

“It is! You have this insane need to protect everyone and you don’t care about the consequences! The only thing you have going for you is that you’re not eighteen yet.”

“It was self-defense,” Andrew points out.

Nicky sighs heavily. “I don’t know how far self-defense can be argued when he looks like that,” he says, gesturing emphatically to the Exy player. Andrew’s own face sports bruises from his last sparring session with Renee, though he’s sure Kevin will let the authorities know that he looked like that before fighting Riko.

Andrew tunes the rest of his lecture out in favor of peeling off his armbands and dropping them at Nicky’s feet.

Nicky scoops them up absentmindedly and frowns. “Why are these heavy?” He peers inside and hisses “holy shit!”

He takes a moment to compose himself and levels his stare at Andrew. “Why do you have knives? Do you always have these?”

“Keep them safe, I’m holding onto them for a while and it won’t be appreciated if they’re confiscated.”

Nicky defeatedly turns away as he calls 911 from his shattered phone, tone clipped as he explains the situation.

Andrew walks a few feet from the scene and presses one on his speed dial. He holds the phone to his ear and Neil picks up on the fourth ring.

“Andrew?” he asks sleepily. “It’s almost five, what’s wrong?”

“I might have to come home a couple days late,” he admits. “Probably going to be arrested.”

There’s some muffled sounds on Neil’s end. “You’re kidding.” At Andrew’s lengthy silence he says “of course you’re not. I’m taking Matt’s truck, I’ll be there in an hour.”

The ambulance shows up before he does, a police car not far behind. One of the paramedics checks over Andrew while the others work on transporting Riko to a stretcher. 

One of the police officers had reported to the scene last time he got into a fight at Eden’s and recognizes him on the spot. 

“Christ, you again? Sorry, kid, I have to take you in this time.”

Andrew shrugs halfheartedly and raises his hands.

The other cop gives a low whistle. “That who I think it is?” he asks, eyeing Riko’s tattooed cheekbone.

Kevin schools his expression into something almost civil as he turns to the officer.

“We were just trying to recruit Andrew for the Ravens and he attacked Riko.”

The first officer looks between them. “Were you the only one involved?” she asks him skeptically.

“Riko punched Nicky and I intervened.”

She runs her hands through her short hair. “Have you been drinking?”

“Earlier.”

“Do you have anything dangerous on you?”

“No.”

The cop cuffs him and tells Nicky where he can meet them after he gives a statement.

“Tell Neil,” Andrew reminds him, and then he’s in the backseat of the car.

“What happened?” the cop asks once she’s started driving.

Andrew rests his head against the window and stares at the back of the seat in front of him, refusing to answer any more of her questions.

Once they reach the station he’s fingerprinted and photographed, and eventually sent to the empty booking area. He’s read his rights and they wait for Nicky to arrive at the station before he’s interviewed and finally released.

Neil and Wymack meet them in the hall and Nicky hands him his armbands, wordlessly. He turns around to pull them on and Wymack directs a fierce scowl at him as soon as he faces them again.

“I specifically remember telling you not to fight anymore. And now Riko goddamn Moriyama is in the hospital and you have a court date scheduled for tomorrow.”

“None of you are going,” Andrew says sharply, ignoring the rest of Wymack’s lecture.

“Andrew.”

“Neil. You’re not going.”

“This is ridiculous,” Nicky exclaims. “I’m your legal guardian, I’m going.”

“Nicky, I said no,” Andrew warns, right hand toying with the edge of his armband. Nicky eyes him warily now that he knows what’s inside, but he presses on anyway.

“You’re going to a hearing to decide what’s going to happen to you after almost killing the most famous person in college Exy. Because of me! And you don’t want anyone there to support you?”

“I didn’t almost kill him,” he mutters, then sighs, knowing he won’t win this fight. “You and Neil can come, no one else.”

Nicky looks like he wants to argue more when Coach holds up a hand.

“Is this going to be a problem?” he asks, looking Andrew in the eyes. 

“I don’t know.” Wymack takes that for what it is, expression weary as he leads them outside. It’s light out by now, and they only have time to catch a few hours of sleep before Andrew has to get ready for court.

Andrew’s court-appointed lawyer is in over his head as the prosecutor fights for jail time after hearing that this is Andrew’s third fight in the last year. He’s met with stony silence when he asks Andrew to explain that the fight was a misunderstanding, and he eventually argues for a plea deal involving medication and counseling.

The rest of the hearing goes by in a blur and Andrew is forced to meet with a psychiatrist to determine the meds he’ll be on for the next year. The psychiatrist takes all of an hour to assess him before settling on antidepressants. She scribbles out a prescription and then he’s on his way with Neil back to the dorms.

Neil flips on the news to a sports channel and scowls as he sees Kevin on screen standing outside a hospital. He comments on how he wishes Riko a speedy recovery, that he’s glad a sociopath like Andrew is being medicated to prevent further outbursts, and that he’s sure the upcoming season will go smoothly as soon as Riko heals.

Andrew steps closer to the screen and squints. Neil looks with him and says “I’m surprised the lawyer didn’t argue Kevin’s injuries for a longer sentence.”

“I didn’t hit Kevin.”

“Someone sure did,” Nicky says from the doorway, and tosses him a bottle of pills. He catches it reflexively and then immediately drops it to the floor.

Nicky rolls his eyes and dutifully picks up the bottle before placing it on the nearest desk. “Three a day, refill monthly.” He takes Andrew’s glare in stride. “I don’t make the rules, kiddo, I just enforce ‘em. Besides, maybe they’ll help.”

“I don’t need help,” he mutters, wonders if he sounds as bitter as he feels. Nicky starts to look sad though and he tells himself it’s not because he feels guilty that he swallows a pill. 

He doesn’t expect anything to happen instantly, but it still feels like he’s giving away his freedom in a way that’s worse than the contract he’d signed to join the Foxes. He doesn’t really have a choice in taking the meds, though, just a bad situation and a worse alternative.

Neil turns the TV off and starts for the door. He closes it in Nicky’s face and Andrew gives him a minute before heading up to the roof. Neil’s sitting by the door to the stairwell, far from the edge of the roof and staring angrily at the clouds.

“This sucks,” he says vehemently, and Andrew can’t help but agree.

He’s been to counseling before, usually through school, and he’ll go through the motions if he has to. Right now he just needs to stay in line, make sure his family’s opportunities aren’t squandered because he was stupid enough to get into a fight. Neil doesn’t seem to blame him for it though, and he’s angry enough about the situation for the both of them.

“Court,” Andrew says after he gets tired of Neil’s silent vexation, and walks downstairs. He snags his pill bottle from the nightstand and idly reads the warnings on the side of the label before stuffing the bottle into his pocket.

Once he and Neil reach the stadium he actually blocks the goal until Neil is tired enough to call it a night. He’s still angry at the world, but at least now he’ll be tired enough to get some sleep. Andrew hooks their pinkies as they walk back to Fox Tower and tries not to think about everything that can go wrong in the coming weeks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m pretty sure no one actually stands up to Riko enough to fight him, and even if they did Andrew can and will kick his ass


	22. Glitter and Crimson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What’s up y’all I’m posting four times this week because I’m Stressed and ignoring the stuff I have to do later

Andrew wakes up and swallows a pill, just as he’s done every day for the last week. Coach has been letting him out of practice to get used to the meds so he has the dorm to himself this morning. He should probably get up and make coffee but he stays in bed for a while to stare at the ceiling instead.

The pills have been tolerable so far, but the court-ordered psychiatrist had told him that it would take a while before the medication started working properly. Today it’s like something clicks in his brain and things go from bad to worse.

He eventually crashes after he takes his pill, and when he wakes up it’s like he’s dialed to eleven. It starts with thoughts racing too fast to hold on to, aimless plans and persistent motivation, and far more energy than he knows how to deal with. He messes with the layout of the living room and pushes his desk to the window so he can smoke. He reorganizes his dresser drawer, makes a grocery list and fixes his school schedule, nothing he’d have bothered to do the day before, or any other day really.

Then comes the smile. He feels it pulling at the corners of his mouth, forcing itself there and refusing to leave. He rushes to the bathroom and blank eyes stare back at him mockingly as he brings his right hand to his mouth.

Logically he knows it’s the pills, but it doesn’t stop him from clawing at the smile, desperately trying to regain control over his practiced apathy. Neil finds him there some time later, looks questioningly at the the angry red lines on his face, at the vacant smile and the erratic beat he taps onto his knee. 

“Andrew?”

“I can’t fucking stop,” he says cheerfully, and even his tone is different. He hates this, hates that it will be his life for the next year, hates Riko for goading him into a fight. 

Neil sits down beside him, shower forgotten after his jog back to the dorms, and holds out his hand wordlessly. Andrew pries his hand from his knee as he takes Neil’s instead, and his foot picks up where it left off, tapping against the cabinet under the sink.

Neil doesn’t say anything else, and almost succeeds in hiding the concern on his face. Andrew’s brain is still going a mile a minute and he’s  this close to resorting to stabbing his foot in hopes of stopping the ceaseless fidgeting when Neil squeezes his hand.

“Breakfast?” he asks, still with that strange mixture of worry and almost-calm etched onto his face. 

Andrew’s supposed to take the pills with food anyway, so he nods and rests his head against the wall. He closes his eyes and tries to take a deep breath, still feeling wired and jumpy and like the rest of the world is moving too slow. 

He leaves the bathroom when Neil turns the shower on and heads back to the bedroom to get dressed. He paces for a while and changes into a long sleeved shirt, peeling off his armbands and tucking them under his pillow. It’ll be warm for long sleeves in July, but he doesn’t quite trust himself with the knives like this. In the back of his mind he knows how easy it’d be to stab himself or someone else at the slightest irritation today. 

Thankfully Neil chooses that moment to knock on the door, so Andrew swings it open and waits for him at the beanbag chairs. He grabs his keys and shakes them distractedly as he goes through the warnings he’d read on the side of his pill bottle the day he’d got them, wonders if the plea deal is flexible enough to change his meds. He’ll have to talk to Bee about it in their counseling session on Wednesday. The first was mostly uneventful, and they hadn’t discussed much other than basic introductions and a brief summary of the fight and the ensuing court appearance. He has a feeling he’ll have more to say in this one if he keeps reacting the same way to the pills, but his discomfort at the thought of spilling his secrets isn’t enough to erase his grin.

Neil interrupts his mental rambling as he meets him at the chairs, pocketing his own set of keys. They end up walking to a restaurant close to campus that Neil had passed earlier during his run, leaving the Jeep at the dorms instead. Andrew’s toast tastes like cardboard, and he tears it into tiny pieces after choking down half. Neil slides some hash browns onto his plate so he humors him and takes a few bites of the equally tasteless potatoes.

Neil pays and they wander around campus, finding the buildings their classes will be in and talking about anything and everything that happens to cross his mind. He’s probably talked to Neil more now than he has in the past week, but he humors him all the same and brings up his own equally useless topics.

The effects of the medication start to wear off mid-afternoon and Andrew can finally breathe again. It doesn’t take long for Neil to notice his endless chattering begin to taper off so they start back for the dorms.

By the time they get back Andrew is sluggish and miserable, and the smile has left his face only to be replaced by merciless nausea.

Neil sits with him in the bathroom as he dry heaves into the toilet, and eventually Andrew sits up and rests his head back against his shoulder.

“I wouldn’t blame you for not taking another one,” he says. “Maybe we should call Betsy.”

Andrew closes his eyes as Neil cards his hands through his hair like he did all those weeks ago.

“Maybe today was just a fluke,” he says, and opens his eyes to look up at Neil. Neil looks like he’s about to reply when someone pounds on the door.

“Weird place for a chat,” Nicky says after Neil unlocks the door for him. He makes shooing motions with his hands so Andrew walks with Neil back to his nightstand where the pill bottle rests. He grabs it and sets it on the bed before laying on his side, back against the wall. Neil joins him after a moment and he resumes running his fingers through his hair as Andrew sits up enough to lay his head in his lap. 

He weighs the strangeness of this morning against the nausea currently wracking his body with violent shivers. An alarm from the living room blares and the choice is made for him as Aaron carries his phone into the bedroom to make sure he doesn’t miss a dose. 

He curiously eyes the way Andrew is curled in on himself and glances over to Neil in bewilderment.

“Pills finally kicked in,” Andrew grits out and shakes the bottle loudly for good measure. When Aaron doesn’t leave he digs out a pill and swallows it dry. He flips off his brother as soon as he walks out and sighs as he waits for the nausea to subside. He falls asleep to Neil playing with his hair, the withdrawal already beginning to fade.

He’d known the chances of this morning being a fluke were low but it still fucking sucks when the empty cheer and too-fast thoughts return as soon as he blinks his eyes open. He stands when he can’t sit still anymore and grabs a pen off of his desk to fiddle with as he walks the length of the room. Neil is still where he’d left him, tracking his movement with careful eyes so he grabs him by the collar of his shirt and tugs until he follows.

He leads him past Nicky and Aaron, who have their eyes glued to the TV as they shoot at zombies, and up to the roof. Neil sits about two feet back from the edge and eyes him warily as he lets his legs hang over the side. He ignores him in favor of staring down at the sidewalk and just for a moment he lets himself think about falling. The fear is barely there, pushed down deep beneath the cheer and agitation and restlessness provided by the drugs.

“Want to come over here instead?” Neil asks, tone even. Andrew can’t think of a good enough reason to stay at the edge so he sits beside Neil instead. 

“Thank you,” he says, and Andrew waves him off. Neil gets a text from Matt inviting him to lunch and Andrew grabs his phone and accepts before he can make up an excuse to not go.

He smokes for a few minutes to pass the time, then hands the cigarette to Neil and walks downstairs and out of Fox Tower. He bypasses the parking lot and heads to Wymack’s apartment instead. He hops the gated fence and picks the lock to the apartment before walking in and coming to a stop in front of the liquor cabinet.

The side of his pill bottle warned against mixing the antidepressants with alcohol, but nothing could make the meds worse at this point so he helps himself to the most expensive bottle of whiskey he sees. He brings the bottle with him to the coffee table and sits cross legged on top of it to drink.

He empties about half the bottle before setting it heavily down on the table, and looks up in amusement as Wymack bursts into the living room, a baseball bat clenched tightly in his fists.

“For fuck’s sake, Minyard.” He sighs heavily and sets the bat against the wall before retreating to the kitchen, only to return with two glasses.

“Pills do that?” he asks, gesturing to the smile still stuck on his face.

“Yep,” he says cheerfully, and pours a good amount of whiskey into the glass offered to him. He hands Wymack the bottle and he does the same, sighing again before downing the drink.

“Any reason in particular you’re here drinking away my salary?”

Andrew grins emptily at him and hums vaguely. His leg starts to fall asleep so he puts both feet flat on the floor, bouncing his leg relentlessly as he drains his glass.

“Stop that.” Wymack says, irritation bleeding into his voice. He rests his palm flat on Andrew’s knee when he’s ignored, and Andrew reacts, crashing an elbow into his chest and darting halfway across the room.

“Don’t touch me,” he snaps, then laughs at the coach’s expression. He might feel guilty if it wasn’t so funny, and he gives Wymack one last grin before he walks to the door. “I’m leaving now, goodbye.”

“Andrew,” he starts, and is abruptly cut off as Andrew slams the door behind him. It’s more difficult to scale the fence this time around but he manages and walks slowly back to the dorms, feeling half asleep and moderately dizzy. Matt’s truck is gone, probably still out with Neil, so he heads back up to the roof and stays there until the withdrawal starts up again.

When he trudges downstairs to take his last dose of the day Nicky intercepts him outside the bedroom.

“Have you been drinking?” he asks warily, still blocking the door.

“Unless you want vomit on your socks I suggest you move.” Nicky frowns but steps aside and Andrew takes his meds quicker this time in hopes of avoiding the worst of the nausea.

He passes Nicky at the doorway and sinks down into the beanbag chair closest to the door. Andrew crashes again and wakes to the low sound of a movie Nicky’s pretending to pay attention to from the other chair. 

He taps his fingers against his wrist and Nicky starts up the video game he and Aaron had been playing earlier. He’s not sure where Aaron is now, he’d probably left at some point while Andrew was asleep. He can’t really bring himself to care, and idly wishes he’d brought the whiskey back with him. Once everything is set up Nicky hands him a controller and walks him through the objective of the game while it loads.

It’s easy enough to grasp the controls, and having something to do with his hands lessens the fidgeting, even if the game is mind-numbingly repetitive.

Nicky doesn’t comment on his cheerful expression or how talkative he is, and instead debates with him about the bands he’d recently added to the playlist and their best songs.

A zombie kills Nicky and he mutters a string of curses in German.

“You kiss your fiancé with that mouth?” Andrew asks in the same language, then laughs at Nicky’s dumbfounded expression.

“You speak German? Since when?”

“One of my foster families spoke it,” he replies distractedly, reviving Nicky and shooting at more zombies on the screen.

Nicky shakes his head in disbelief and says “small world.”

Andrew’s manic brain decides it’s a great time to hum the song from the amusement park ride, and laughs again when Nicky joins in.

“How are the pills?” Nicky asks, looking more hopeful than he probably should.

“I fucking despise them,” Andrew answers cheerfully, then tugs a little at his smile to get his point across.

Nicky frowns again and tosses his controller to the ground when he dies. He looks conflicted for all of three seconds before he’s up and moving towards the kitchen.

“Want ice cream?” Andrew’s really only had breakfast and whiskey today so he shrugs and accepts the spoon Nicky hands him when he returns. The ice cream still doesn’t taste like much, but it’s sugary enough to register in whatever’s screwing with his tastebuds so he stomachs a few bites of it before turning back to the game.

He’s still wired by the time Neil gets back close to ten, carrying in shopping bags with a tired expression.

“Dan and Allison made me go shopping,” he complains, and drops the bags off into the bedroom before sitting down to Andrew’s left. Andrew presses his leg against Neil and his heart clenches when he leans against him without hesitation. At least what he feels for Neil is a constant, persistently present despite everything else the pills throw at him.

Nicky turns off the game and says “get some sleep, kiddo,” before heading to the bedroom.

“I missed you,” Andrew says, and means it. The drugs don’t give him much of a filter but he doesn’t really mind when it comes to Neil.

“I missed you too,” Neil replies easily, and rests his head against his leg. They’ll have to be up early tomorrow for Andrew’s first practice back, but at least Neil will be there to get him through it.

They watch a movie until the drugs wear off enough to let him calm down. He’s too tired to walk to the bedroom so Neil drags the other chair closer to Andrew and curls up in it, apparently content to watch him as he fights futilely at staying awake. He reaches out for Neil’s hand and he meets him halfway, lacing their fingers together between them.

“Goodnight,” he mumbles tiredly, and he falls asleep then and there, still clutching at Neil’s hand like a lifeline.


	23. Sick is the New Sane

Neil is brushing his teeth when he hears Nicky shout from the bedroom. He drops his toothbrush and rushes in to find Nicky clutching his chest and Andrew, back against the wall, glaring unseeingly in front of him.

Neil shoves Nicky out of the way and says “Andrew.” He hums vaguely in return but doesn’t focus on Neil, and he’s distantly reminded of the library. “That was Nicky, he probably didn’t know any better and tried to wake you up.”

Andrew finally blinks and locks his eyes on to Neil. He glances over at Nicky who seems to have recovered and mutters “get out.”

“Sorry.” Nicky actually listens for once and heads towards the bathroom.

“Can I sit?” Andrew shrugs and when Neil doesn’t move after a minute he meets his eyes and nods.

“I’m not talking about it,” he says quietly, and grabs his pills from the nightstand.

“Okay. Do you want to skip practice?”

Andrew sighs and moves to stand after he swallows the first pill of the day. He intercepts Nicky in the doorway who steps aside. 

“Sorry,” he says again. Neil has a feeling he’ll keep saying it until he gets some kind of response, and Andrew picks up on it as well. 

“Stop apologizing,” he says, tone bored, and gestures lazily to Nicky’s chest. Apparently the apology ban doesn’t extend to himself because he grits out “sorry for hitting you,” and closes the bathroom door behind him, effectively ending the conversation.

Nicky turns to Neil, confusion coloring his expression. “What, Nicky?” he asks in exasperation. 

“I’ve seen you two asleep at California and Columbia and now here. Why don’t you ever get hit?”

“Sometimes I do,” he says, and leaves him alone with his thoughts.

The solitude doesn’t last long, and Andrew meets him at the beanbag chairs, looking dead on his feet. He sinks into the chair and is asleep in minutes, though Neil knows he’ll be wide awake shortly. Coach has been accommodating of Andrew adjusting to his meds so far, so he probably won’t mind if they’re a few minutes late to his first practice back.

Andrew wakes with a jolt, and the effects of the pills are there in a heartbeat. There’s no point in sitting around now, so Neil grabs his keys and drives the four of them to the stadium. Once they get there Neil leaves to go change out in the bathroom and returns to find Andrew on the bench, practice clothes still folded next to him.

He’s focused on Seth instead, who is in the middle of raging about anything that seems to cross his mind. He gestures wildly near Aaron and almost succeeds in backhanding him across the face as he spits insults about everything from his height to his stats. Aaron doesn’t look too bothered at being the subject of his ranting, but he shoots a glance at Nicky when Andrew stands from his place.

Andrew’s smile turns threatening as his eyes go from blank to malicious in seconds. He walks up to Seth and stands within arms reach, shoelaces untied and forgotten as they trail along the floor. He steps closer and Neil sees him draw a knife in one smooth motion.

“These pills give me little to no impulse control,” Andrew informs him brightly. “Do you really want to test me right now?”

“I could drop kick you across this room,” Seth snaps, then goes carefully still as Andrew presses the blade to his chest. He’s interrupted as the office door slams open to reveal an angry Wymack.

“Andrew Joseph Minyard, this is officially a goddamn problem! My office, now!”

Andrew laughs and follows Coach, carelessly stuffing the knife back into his armband, to the point where Neil wouldn’t be surprised if he’d missed the sheath altogether. Wymack slams the door behind him and it’s almost soundproof, but his muffled yells still reach the locker room.

“So he’s just a fucking psycho then,” Seth grumbles to Reggie, rubbing at his chest.

Neil clenches his hands into fists and snaps “maybe next time you’ll think before you speak.”

Seth narrows his eyes as he looks at Neil, then to Aaron and Nicky. “Are all of you insane? He was going to stab me and you think I should watch my words.”

Dan finds them there, still arguing, and impatiently ushers them out onto the court to run laps. By the time they’re ready for scrimmages Andrew is nowhere to be seen, though Wymack is at the court wall. As soon as he’s assigned to a team Neil jogs over to the coach, who motions for him to join him by the stands.

“Those pills are going to be a nightmare,” Wymack says tiredly. “Andrew’s talking with Betsy right now,” he adds, taking in Neil’s expression. “He’ll be done before practice is over.”

Neil knows a dismissal when he hears one so he nods and walks back over to his side of the court. Wymack is true to his word and by the time they finish Andrew sits on the bleachers beside the coach, using his hands to gesture animatedly while he talks.

The upperclassmen give them a wide berth as they pass, though Renee stops for a moment next to the pair. Neil isn’t close enough to hear their short conversation and she’s gone by the time he makes it to the stands.

“Not the bench, Coach!” Andrew exclaims, and grins at Wymack’s tired expression. He gives him a cheerful wave as he follows Neil back to the lockers and seems unbothered when he doesn’t get one in return. Seth is thankfully gone once they get there, so Neil takes a quick shower and hopes the rest of the team stays just as scarce.

Nicky is sitting next to Andrew on the bench while Aaron stays a few feet back, almost succeeding in looking uninterested.

“What if I took your knives so you wouldn’t almost murder our lovely teammates?”

Andrew takes a moment to consider. “You’d get stabbed,” he says brightly, and doesn’t look too concerned over the matter.

“I think I like you better unmedicated,” Nicky decides.

“You can take that up with my incompetent lawyer.” 

Nicky frowns and stands once he notices Neil, and doesn’t waste any time in leading them out of the locker room. Andrew walks to the driver’s seat out of habit, pauses there for a moment, then walks around the hood of the Jeep to the passenger seat wordlessly. His fidgeting seems more irritated than anything else, and as soon as Neil parks he’s out of the car and heading upstairs.

Nicky shoots him a confused glance that he brushes off in favor of going up to the roof. Andrew is right at the edge again, swinging his legs and looking as if one strong breeze would be enough to topple him over. Neil ignores the urge to tell him to get back and instead sits beside him. 

His smile is tinged with something unidentifiable as he looks at Neil, then back down to the ground. It’s not late enough for his pills to be wearing off yet, but Neil can still catch glimpses of the boy he’d followed from California.

“Can I hold your hand?” Andrew’s fingers still the pattern they’d been tapping out as he holds his hand out to Neil. He links their fingers and holds tight, tries to provide an anchor to the present. Andrew doesn’t stay still for long and resumes kicking his legs against the wall, nearly hitting the letter F on the sign below.

“Want to play another round?”

Andrew considers for a moment, then shakes his head. “Not like this.”

And then he talks. About the shapes of the clouds, the cat he saw in the parking lot earlier, the classes he thinks will bore him to death, and everything in between. Neil thinks Nicky might be better suited for most of the conversation, but Andrew doesn’t seem to mind his answers, short but truthful. He starts slowing down after a while and when Neil checks his phone he’s surprised to find that they’ve spent close to two hours talking.

“I’m not taking another pill today,” Andrew decides. He stands and walks back down to the bedroom and when he notices that Neil had followed him he tosses the pill bottle his way.

Neil pockets the pills and walks out to claim one of the beanbag chairs. Andrew joins him after a moment and flips the TV on before handing him the remote. He rolls his eyes when Neil chooses a channel with Exy on, but he doesn’t grab the remote either when Neil sets it between them.

He curls up in the chair and halfheartedly watches the game. Neil doesn’t really pay attention to it either, he’s more interested in the way Andrew’s hands have begun to shake. Andrew flicks an unconcerned look to them, then clenches his jaw and swallows hard. He stands, but instead of going to the bathroom he walks to the bedroom, only to return a moment later with the jacket he’d worn to Eden’s.

He pulls out a couple packets from one of the pockets and empties one of them into his mouth before returning to his chair. They seem to lessen the withdrawal slightly, and Andrew props his face in his hand to look at Neil.

“Still want to play?”

Neil’s question is immediate. “Why’d you fight Riko?”

“It always comes back to Eden’s.” Andrew sighs and stares at the bruises still faintly staining his knuckles. “Riko threatened you and hit Nicky. He wasn’t going to take no for an answer so I made another option.”

When Neil doesn’t reply he looks up from his hands and into his eyes. “It isn’t going to take long for one of them to recognize you. Now they’ll focus on me.” A violent shudder wracks his frame and Andrew fishes around for the other packet of cracker dust before emptying it into his mouth as well.

“You can’t go on like this,” Neil says, and is met with a glare. “What did Betsy say when you called her earlier?”

“It’s my turn,” Andrew reminds him. “What made your mother decide to start running all those years ago?”

It’s not what he was expecting Andrew to ask him, which is probably exactly why he did. “I don’t know, I never asked her. We didn’t talk about it, we just worked on perfecting our covers and making sure we were safe.”

Andrew frowns, then clenches his jaw again and squeezes his eyes shut.

“Fuck,” he grits out as another shudder passes through him. He goes carefully still when the door swings open to reveal Nicky. He zeroes in on Andrew’s posture and his miserable expression in an instant.

“You were supposed to take your midday dose almost two hours ago,” he says, not quite an accusation.

Andrew lifts his shoulders in a halfhearted shrug and presses an arm to his stomach. He waits almost a full minute in silence before looking back up at his cousin. 

“I’m not taking them today.”

Nicky looks torn between seeming indignant and relieved. “Did Betsy clear you to do that while you were on the phone during practice?”

“Yes,” Andrew lies unconvincingly.

Nicky sighs. “You can’t just violate your parole because you feel like it.”

“Go away,” Andrew mutters for the second time of the day, and curls deeper into the beanbag chair.

Nicky sighs again and looks towards Neil with disapproval. “You thought this would be a good idea too? One of you needs to have some kind of common sense so I can stop lecturing you, it makes me feel old.”

When neither of them reply Nicky shakes his head in exasperation. “Don’t let anyone else find out,” he warns, and walks back out of the dorm.

Andrew lasts another hour before he gives up. “I’m not dealing with this shit anymore.” He holds out a hand and levels a flat stare at Neil until he passes him the meds. “It’s like the worst hangover I’ve ever had, multiplied by ten, and I’ll have the pleasure of experiencing it every fucking day for the rest of the year.”

He scowls as he dry-swallows the pill and stares balefully at the bottle after he sets it by his feet. It won’t take long for him to crash, and it’ll take even less time for him to wake, stuck with restless energy and a forced smile.

Their first game is about a month away, and classes start that week. He’s not sure how Andrew is going to be able to play with his meds, though at least there’s two other goalkeepers for Wymack to choose from. He’s more worried about how he’ll be able to keep the terms of his parole without killing one of the Foxes at this point. Right now he settles for watching old Exy games while he waits for Andrew to wake up, mind stuck on the only two things he cares about. 


	24. Can I Call You Tonight?

Some nights when Andrew can’t stand his bed, when the dorm is too crowded, the world too loud, he’ll walk to the stadium. He never practices at night unless Neil is with him, but if he’s alone he’ll curl up on the couch he’d claimed for his group in the foyer. Sometimes if he’s lucky he’ll catch a few hours of sleep there, caught between his last dose and the inevitable crash that comes with it.

That’s what happens tonight. He’d just managed to get a couple hours before being woken by his phone buzzing in his pocket. He accepts the call and is met with Neil’s panic-tinged voice, hushed but urgent.

“Where are you?”

“Court,” Andrew answers tiredly, and sits up to rest his forehead against his knees.

“Are you practicing?” Neil’s less frantic now, and only curiosity remains in his tone.

“No.”

There’s shuffling on the other end and Neil doesn’t speak again for another minute. “What you you doing then?”

“Sleeping,” Andrew says, and lets his eyes slide closed again. He doesn’t mean to doze off while on the phone, but he startles at the sound of the door closing behind Neil. 

“Hey,” he says quietly, and folds his phone shut. Andrew scrubs at his eyes and follows Neil to his locker in confusion when he doesn’t sit beside him.

“Can’t sleep,” he explains. He doesn’t bother changing out of his pajama pants but he straps his gear on over his shirt and grabs his racquet.

Andrew wordlessly follows him out past the bleachers and onto the court. He sits in goal and waits for Neil to tire himself out. Eventually he’s had enough of almost hitting Andrew in the face to call it a night, though he knows if it was an actual issue Neil would have gone to the other goal. He walks over and sits down to his left, Exy racquet forgotten at his feet.

Andrew pokes his cheek, right where his dimple would be. “You don’t smile much these days.”

“I think you do enough of that for the both of us.”

“I hate it,” he admits, dropping his forehead on Neil’s shoulder. “Everything is so loud.”

Neil squeezes his hand and stays for a moment before he leaves to go collect the cones. Andrew sits in goal alone for a little while longer until he dozes off again. 

Neil bangs his racquet against the wall, jolting him awake, and points to the locker room.

Andrew adds ‘draining’ to the list of things he hates about his meds as he trudges to the lockers, fatigue turning his feet to lead. He waits for Neil to return and debates heading back to the couch when he walks in.

“Did you drive?” he asks as Neil removes his gear. He nods and closes his locker before holding out his hand. Andrew takes it and together they walk out to the Jeep for the short ride back to the dorms. It’s close to three by the time they get back but Andrew heads up to the roof anyway. He smokes at the edge until the cigarette slips out of his hand, so he stubs it out and tosses it to the sidewalk below. Exhaustion and ledges won’t work out well for him so he walks back downstairs to the beanbag chairs and curls up in the one furthest from the door.

Withdrawal wakes him up a few hours later, and he takes his pill shaking while he waits for the nausea to subside. He’ll get a few more minutes when he crashes and then he’ll be resigned to being wide awake until the next dose. He sinks back into unconsciousness, still clutching his meds, and wakes to find Nicky quietly closing the bedroom door.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” Andrew shakes his head and sets his pills down, then cracks his knuckles one by one. He’s already restless and by the time Aaron walks out he can’t sit still anymore. He walks to the bedroom to find Neil awake as well, though he’s yawned three times already as he rummages through the dresser. 

Andrew leaves as quickly as he’d entered and starts making coffee. He’s half-sure caffeine won’t do anything when he’s dosed up, but it can’t hurt to have some. He made too much anyway and there’s no point in letting it go to waste.

Andrew adds enough cream and sugar to his mug to make Aaron shake his head in disgust and sips at his now-lukewarm coffee. He grabs a travel mug for Neil and hands it to him as he exits the bedroom. He finishes his own coffee and sets the empty mug down, ignoring the way his hands shake. He taps out a pattern against his leg instead and goes to get ready for practice. By the time he returns Neil is looking less like he’ll fall asleep at the wheel so they make their way to the Jeep with Nicky and Aaron.

Wymack doesn’t waste his breath yelling at them for being a few minutes late for practice, but he does call Andrew to his office again once he’s changed out. 

“I talked to Betsy after last practice,” he starts. “She says her hands are tied regarding your pills without a reason to believe they’re detrimental to your health. How anyone can think they’re helping is beyond me.” He scrubs a hand over his face. “I’m here to offer you a deal. You can come off the pills on game days, play until you crash.”

Andrew smiles, wide and vacant. “What good does that do me?”

“Don’t bullshit me, I know you hate them.”

“Hmm. Okay,” Andrew agrees, clearly more easily than Coach was expecting judging by his expression. Wymack holds out his hand, giving Andrew enough distance to stay completely out of reach.

“Oh, he’s learned,” Andrew says cheerfully, and shakes his hand.

“Are you planning on talking to Betsy about your meds? She might be able to help if it comes from you.”

Andrew laughs. “Why would I ask for help? I’ve never gotten it before.” He absently tugs at an armband. “I’ve gone through worse than these pills and I’ll get through this too.”

Wymack frowns. “But you don’t have to,” he says. “If she knows that they’re more harm than good, maybe you can switch to something else.”

Andrew waves him off. “If Bee can’t see that they’re not working like they’re supposed to, someone needs to take away her degree. It’s just easier for everyone else like this,” he says, motioning vaguely to his smile.

Wymack seems to know he’s not winning this argument and points to the door. Andrew gives him a salute and joins the rest of the team on the court. At least he missed laps this time. This is the last practice before classes start, and Andrew will have to adjust the times he takes his meds. If Wymack is serious about the deal he’ll also have to see how long he can last before the second stage of withdrawal.

Before any of that, though, he’ll have to make it through practice. The lack of sleep paired with coffee and the pills make him even more jittery than usual, and he taps his foot while humming away in goal. Aaron sends an irritated look his way but Matt doesn’t say anything, just steps a few feet forward.

Andrew steps aside as a ball almost hits him, but he doesn’t raise his racquet to block it. No one is particularly surprised by his lack of effort anymore, and Wymack sends Renee in his place after a few minutes.

“Hi, Andrew. Would you like to spar after practice? You seem like you have some extra energy today.”

Andrew laughs. “Do I?”

“I’ll text you when the girl’s locker room is empty if you decide that you’d like to.”

Andrew shrugs and walks back to the lockers to change out. After a while Neil and Nicky finally return.

“I’ll meet you back at the dorms, Renee and I are going to spar in the girl’s locker room.”

“Is that a euphemism?” Nicky asks, eyebrows raised.

Andrew smiles, bright and mocking. “What do you think?”

Neil rolls his eyes. “You’ve seen them both come back with bruises, they’re literally sparring.”

Nicky grins. “Some people-“

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Andrew suggests, idly reaching for a knife. His phone buzzes from his back pocket and he stands from his place on the bench. “Bye.”

He meets Renee at the door and she leads him inside. They stand a few feet away from each other, and Andrew doesn’t wait for her to make the first move. He’s faster than her, especially with his meds, but she fights dirtier. Neither of them hold back, and Andrew eventually gets the upper hand this time. She taps out and gives him a smile.

“Best two out of three?” If nothing else, sparring Renee helps to tire him out, spend some of that useless energy he never knows what to do with. After she wins the second round and him the third, he asks “are the others still betting on us? Nicky seems to think we’re not actually sparring.”

Renee nods as she sits down on one of the benches next to him. “It’s pretty much stacked against Allison.”

Andrew grins. “She’s right, but I’m guessing it’s more of wishful thinking on her part.”

Renee’s face is still red from their fight but he’s almost positive she blushes. “She’s with Seth,” she says softly.

“For now,” he says with a shrug and stands. Renee joins him and together they walk to the dorms. His movements are already growing slower but he should be able to make the walk back at least.

Renee stops him just outside his dorm room. “I always enjoy our time together,” she says, actually sounding genuine. It seems like she and Neil are the only two who can really stomach the meds, who can still see him through the haze of mania.

“I’m glad we’re friends,” he says quietly. He hasn’t had much luck in finding trustworthy people, but in the last year alone he’s come to know more of them than he had in his entire life.

“Me too,” Renee agrees easily, and gives him a wave as she makes her way to her own room.

Nicky is occupying one of the beanbags, and surprisingly Matt is in the other.

“Hey Andrew,” Nicky greets. Matt gives him a distracted wave, more focused on the game they’re playing. “Neil’s not here,” he adds, so Andrew sits on the table by the windowsill to smoke. 

Neil wanders in a little while later, just as Andrew is beginning to crash. He climbs up onto the table after greeting the others and plucks the cigarette out of his fingers. He breathes in the smoke before handing it back, though Andrew is already leaning heavily against the window. He seems to realize it as well, and takes the cigarette back without a word.

“That’s stage one,” Nicky says, like he’s a goddamn tour guide as Matt looks over curiously.

“Fuck off, Nicky,” Andrew mutters at the same time as Neil. He takes a pill, though, and hopefully it’ll kick in before the second phase of withdrawal. He doesn’t think Nicky would parade Matt into the bathroom while he throws up, but it’s better not to risk it. Neil’s keeping watch of the room and that’s enough of a reason to stay here when he crashes, even if he’d prefer for Matt to leave.

The cigarette is almost burnt down to the filter by the time that he wakes, so he lights another one impatiently.

“Oh, good, we’re skipping stage two today,” Nicky says. Neil rolls his eyes as Andrew takes a long drag instead of answering, but he doesn’t reply either.

“What’s stage two?” Matt asks.

“Why don’t you take a pill and find out?” Andrew asks, grinning as the other boy flinches.

Nicky isn’t amused. “He gets sick.”

Matt frowns in what’s probably sympathy before turning back to the game. Andrew’s had enough of twenty questions so he grabs at Neil’s shirt collar as he stands.

Andrew doesn’t feel like wasting a third cigarette so he snags a bottle of whiskey from under the bottom bunk. He gives Nicky and Matt his two-fingered salute and walks with Neil upstairs to the roof. He goes right to the edge as usual and takes a long swig before setting the bottle between he and Neil.

“Wymack’s going to let me come off the pills for games,” he says.

Neil frowns. “You’re going to have to go through withdrawal while you play?”

Andrew shrugs. “Stage one usually lasts around forty five minutes if I fight it, so I should be fine to play the beginning.” He takes another drink before Neil grabs the bottle and caps it.

They sit up there on the roof until Andrew’s next dose, and Matt invites them all out to dinner with him and Dan when they return to the dorm room. They take separate cars, and once they get to the restaurant, the conversations stay focused on Exy as the others attempt to bore him to death.

Matt shoots a sidelong glance at Andrew a few times that night, but it’s eventually Dan who asks if he’ll actually be trying to defend the goal during the season.

“Like this?” Andrew asks, twirling a finger near his temple. “I wouldn’t.”

“At least you’re self-aware,” she says dryly.

“Wymack’s letting him off the pills on game nights,” Neil says. Andrew grins when he’s met with surprised looks from around the table, and doesn’t elaborate on Neil’s statement.

“Why’d you agree?” Matt asks, frowning.

“Would you like to be high almost all day, every day, and go through withdrawal for the rest?” Aaron asks him.

He absently rubs at the faded track marks dotting his arms. “I guess not.”

Andrew shrugs and tears apart a breadstick. He doesn’t really see the point in eating when everything tastes like cardboard, but he’d rather not pass out more often than he already does thanks to the meds. Matt pays for the group and he and Dan bid them goodbye in the parking lot. They pile into the Jeep later than the pair, but Neil gets them to the dorms quicker, and they’re already to the doors of the building by the time Matt’s truck pulls into the parking lot.

“Do you have something against your bed?” Nicky asks as Andrew claims his beanbag chair, mania finally fading to a dull buzz. It won’t be long before the pills wear off completely, and he’s decidedly done talking for the night.

“Goodnight, Nicky,” he says pointedly, and closes his eyes. Nicky eventually gives up and walks to the bedroom, and he’s asleep before he can remember to turn off the light.


	25. Lo/Hi

Andrew spends the entirety of the next week adjusting his medication schedule to align with his classes and games. Since his classes start later in the day he’s resigned to pushing back his doses so he’ll still be high during lectures. His classes the first week are only focused on syllabi, so he doesn’t need to pay attention, but he’s required to be there all the same. It works out well enough for game day, since his skipped dose is right before the match to avoid the worst of withdrawal. Coach is mostly accommodating and lets him off the hook for being late for practice more than once. The new schedule means he’s crashing at weird hours though, and Wymack keeps him on the bench for the rest of the week after he fell asleep in goal the Tuesday before the game.

He’s still manic during the four hour drive to Blackwell University on Friday, and he laughs when he sees a statue of their mascot. He nudges Neil and says “rabbit,” but he’s distracted as he tries to focus on Wymack’s rundown of the first half line-up.

Nicky leans over the back of his seat to peer at Andrew. “Shouldn’t your drugs be wearing off?”

Andrew waves a hand at him, unconcerned. “Probably.”

They  _ don’t _ wear off, and he can tell Wymack isn’t pleased, even if he won’t outright say it. He’s in goal for the first half anyway, with Nicky and Aaron as his backliners. Neil is on for the first half too, since Juan had received a red card on the Foxes’ final game in the previous season and is required to sit this one out. 

They change out quickly and walk to the court for warm-ups. Andrew doesn’t bother with laps and stands in goal until the others are ready to take practice shots. He hurls some of them at the other team, earning dirty looks from them as well as from both coaches. After the third time he hits one of the backliners, Wymack storms onto the field to lecture him. It doesn’t do much in way of dissuading him, but he’s put to a stop regardless as the announcer begins calling out the names and numbers of each team’s athletes.

After the coin toss between captains Andrew makes his way over to the far side of the court. Once all the extra balls and players have cleared the court, a buzzer sounds and the game begins.

Andrew stands in goal, chattering incessantly to Nicky about whatever topic flits around long enough to hold his attention. Right now it’s a debate about alcohol and Nicky is all too willing to oblige him. 

Aaron’s finally had enough and turns towards him while Seth has possession. “Andrew, for the love of fuck,  _ shut up_.”

Andrew laughs and twirls his racquet absentmindedly. “Make the game interesting then,” he offers. Aaron shakes his head, but the next time the other team’s striker comes near him he body checks her violently enough to send her sprawling.

He passes the ball back to Andrew who sends it up to Neil for safekeeping, but the striker hasn’t moved away from Aaron. Instead, she jabs her finger at him and moves closer to throw a punch. Already moving, Andrew gets there first and uses his racquet to create space between them as he forces her a few steps back. She throws her hands up in exasperation but stays in her place.

The game stops for a moment as the referees determine if any of them need to be carded, and after they’re all given warnings the striker backs off. As soon as she does, Aaron turns and asks “interesting enough?”

Andrew makes his way back to the goal. “I guess we’ll see.”

The violence might have been able to hold him off without his meds. His attention span is completely shot with them though, and he’s bored again within the minute. He passes the time by talking more with Nicky, this time in German. Aaron throws a confused glance over his shoulder at the language change but doesn’t join in, though Andrew knows he can understand them.

When the same striker comes back to the goal and shoots, Andrew takes the opportunity to work on his strength training and slams the ball all the way over to the other side of the court. Nicky laughs and clacks his racquet against Andrew’s while Aaron looks like he might get carded just to be benched for the rest of the game.

It doesn’t come to that since the other coach calls for a time-out. Aaron stalks away towards the sidelines, leaving just Nicky to keep him company. As soon as Aaron’s gone Neil bounds over to the goal, almost as energetic as he is.

“You almost hit the goalie,” he says with a fierce smile, and Andrew kind of wants to kiss it off him. The thought is gone as quickly as it came, so he settles for sitting down in the goal instead. Neil joins him after a second and they stay that way until the referee signals that time is up. 

There’s still close to thirty minutes left in the half, and as his meds begin to wear off Andrew can finally focus again. Aaron and Nicky hadn’t afforded the strikers many chances at the goal while he was manic, keeping the score as low as they could. Now that he’s able to keep his attention on the game, he blocks the ball with detached boredom. It helps to only pass the ball up to Neil, and even from across the court he can see the anger Seth is radiating as he’s yet to score a single point. 

Once it nears halftime he checks the score to find that the Foxes are winning eight to two. He’s confident enough in Renee’s goalkeeping abilities that he lets the next two shots pass without lifting his racquet. The buzzer finally sounds to signal halftime and he meets Neil halfway to the door.

“Withdrawal or apathy?”

Andrew shrugs. “Have to keep it interesting for Renee.”

She intercepts him at the doors and holds out a hand to stop him from walking past.

“I’m proud of you,” she says simply, and steps aside to walk with them to the lockers. His movements are already sluggish as Neil opens the door to the locker room, and Andrew pulls off his helmet as soon as they’re inside.

“You did good out there tonight,” Wymack says, already at the benches. “Except for that shit at the end. I don’t care how far ahead we are, don’t do that again.” Andrew’s too tired to argue so he settles for sinking onto the nearest bench next to Renee. Neil sits too and Wymack eyes the way Andrew leans heavily against him. 

“Neil’s out for the rest of the game, barring any injuries from Seth or Dwayne.”

He hums in agreement, not really listening, and lets his eyes slide closed. He ignores Wymack’s rundown of the second half line-up once the rest of the team files in and is asleep before he gets to the dealer. 

By the time he wakes he’s leaning his entire weight on Neil, his face buried into his shoulder. The rest of the team is gone, probably has been for a while judging by the way his hands shake. He sits up and stares at them for a moment, but Neil is already ahead of him and grabs his pills from his backpack. He shakes one out and hands it over before stashing the meds back inside his bag.

He doesn’t really want to crash again until he’s back on the bus, so he stuffs the pill into the pocket of his jeans. He showers quickly and changes back into the clothes he’d worn on the ride over. Neil returns from his own shower just as the team files in a few minutes later, and judging by their expressions they’ve won. Dan gives a short congratulatory speech before herding the girls to their own locker room, and before long they’re back on the bus.

He swallows the pill he’d saved from earlier as soon as he claims the seat in the back of the bus, and sits by the window so Neil can join him. Dan calls him over shortly after Wymack begins the drive back to South Carolina, so Andrew takes Neil’s seat instead and talks quietly with Nicky until he crashes.

He’s shaken awake and doesn’t have time to process before he slams a fist in that general direction. He opens his eyes to find Matt sinking to his knees in the aisle, arm curled around his stomach.

Matt lets out a string of curses, though he gets to his feet almost immediately. “Remind me to never let you meet my mom,” he says wryly, still wincing.

“Okay,” Andrew says agreeably, grin bright and ever-present.

Neil’s back now and frowns as Matt claps him on the shoulder before stepping out of the way. Andrew scoots back over next to the window so Neil can take his seat.

“Why was Matt here?” he asks before his brain can find something else to hold its attention.

“Something about congratulating you on being the new starting goalie? I wasn’t really listening, I was talking to Dan when he left.”

Andrew shrugs and turns to stare out the window. He’ll have to adjust his schedule more taking this game into account. Practices seem to tire him out enough to speed up withdrawal, which is probably why his meds didn’t wear off as soon as he thought they would have. If he doesn’t plan it out now he probably never will, so he does the math in his head until he’s too bored to continue. He spends the rest of the drive talking with Neil and Nicky, and even Aaron occasionally contributes, though he’s more interested in whoever keeps texting him.

He’s still high by the time they get back to Palmetto State, will be for another hour at least. Matt stops at their room to ask if they’ll be joining him and some of the juniors for a post-game celebratory meal.

Aaron squints at him. “Why are you trying to be friends with us?”

“We’re teammates,” he says simply, and turns to Andrew. “You still have a couple hours left, right? We’ll be done before you crash.”

Andrew laughs. “How considerate of you.”

Matt shrugs. “If you guys decide to go we’re leaving in a few minutes.”

Nicky unlocks the door and stands in front of it before Aaron can walk in. “Socializing is good for you,” he says. Aaron rolls his eyes at the same time his stomach growls. “Ha!” Nicky points at Aaron triumphantly. “You’re going. Neil?”

“Dan and Matt are nice. Just don’t let Allison sit next to me.”

Nicky snorts. “And you say you’re straight.”

Neil frowns. “When have I ever said that?”

Nicky’s response is cut short as the girls exit their room. Allison wanders into the other dorm room while Renee and Dan join them by the door.

“Hello, Renee!” Andrew greets, half-mocking, and grins at the meaningful look Dan gives Nicky. Renee shakes her head in bemusement and comes to stand next to he and Neil while they wait. Matt’s out next, and Allison isn’t far behind.

“The others aren’t coming,” Matt says, and Dan leads them out to the parking lot. They go to a bar near campus since it’s the only place open that serves food, and Renee snags a corner booth for them. Andrew sits next to her so Neil can have the end seat, and the others fill in wherever they can.

Andrew doesn’t really bother participating in the conversation with the others unless he’s specifically singled out. Aaron is outright refusing to talk and scowls from his place sandwiched between Dan and Nicky. Andrew takes it upon himself to ball up the abandoned straw wrappers and toss them at his brother.

He finally reaches his breaking point when one lands in his drink. “Andrew, fucking stop!” 

Nicky snickers and swaps their drinks just as the waiter arrives to take their orders. The restaurant is busy, even this late at night, and it’s looking like Andrew might not avoid withdrawal after all.

By the time their food gets to the table the persistent mania has all but worn off, and he stabs at his fries disinterestedly as the conversation around him quiets. He zones out for a while, food forgotten, and half-tries to not fall asleep at the table. Neil nudges him with his leg and he’s just awake enough not to lash out. 

“Ready to go?”

Andrew blinks and looks up to see that his food is already boxed up. The upperclassmen are doing a poor job at pretending to be enthralled by their meals, though Renee catches his eye and waves as he slides out of the booth after Neil.

“We can catch a ride with Matt,” Nicky says, earning a groan from Aaron.

“See you at practice,” Dan adds. Neil nods and retrieves his keys from his pocket after handing Andrew his food. The drive back is short enough that Andrew doesn’t crash, but it’s a near thing as he leans window of the Jeep, food balanced precariously on his lap.

Once they get to Fox Tower, Andrew makes a beeline for his beanbag chair. “Want a blanket?” Neil asks from the kitchen as he closes the fridge.

“I don’t care,” Andrew mumbles. Neil grabs one anyway and spreads it out over him before flipping the TV on and settling into the other chair. The last thing he hears is a sports announcer comment on the goals he’d given away just before halftime, and he’s asleep before Neil changes the channel.


	26. Monsters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was probably one of my favorite chapters to write so far

Andrew gets his scheduling down to an art form for the next few games, though Neil knows he still doesn’t put much effort into blocking the goal. By mid-September they’ve lost more games than they’ve won, and Wymack is getting frustrated. He pulls the two of them aside after another practice where Andrew hadn’t bothered to raise his racquet during scrimmages.

“I didn’t sign you or your family to this team to fuck around. The ERC is going to cut our Class I status if we don’t start showing improvement.” He levels a stare at Andrew. “What’s it going to take?”

Andrew grins. “A bottle of your best whiskey and the nagging to stop for a while.”

Wymack rolls his eyes. “God forbid I try to do my job well,” he grumbles, and holds out his hand. Andrew laughs as he shakes it, and tugs at Neil’s sleeve before walking to his locker.

“Did you need me for anything?” Neil asks.

“Four goals next game,” he says shortly, and heads back to his office.

They make it back to the dorms and before long there’s rapid knocking at their door. Andrew is perched on the desk by the window, not looking like he’ll be getting up to answer it any time soon. Nicky and Aaron are in the middle of a level of a racing game Neil has no interest in, so he grabs the door.

“Channel three,” Matt says, slightly out of breath.

Nicky switches over to cable and flips to the channel wordlessly. Riko and Kevin sit together on a couch, participating in some talk show Neil’s never heard of.

“Why are we watching this? Riko got out of the hospital weeks ago.”

“This is their first public appearance together since then,” Matt says.

Nicky turns the volume up. “Would either of you care to discuss the events leading up to your injuries?” the host asks.

Kevin gives her an apologetic smile. “We’re really just here to discuss the season.”

Neil watches the rest of the show intently, but it’s not until just before it ends that the topic comes up again.

“I’ve already spoken to Coach David Wymack about having some of his Foxes in for an interview, maybe we can set something up.”

When Riko smiles, it’s all teeth. “That’d be wonderful. I very much look forward to seeing you again,” he says, turning his gaze from the host to the camera.

Andrew laughs from the window as the program comes to a close. His phone buzzes loudly on the table a moment later. “Hi, Coach. Yes, we saw.” He’s quiet for a nearly a minute before he laughs again and hangs up the phone.

“What’d he say?” Matt asks from his place in the doorway.

Andrew raises his hands in air quotes. “Try not to stab anyone on live TV.”

“Technically you didn’t stab him last time,” Neil says. But you did stab that one guy, so I guess his concern isn’t totally unfounded.”

Matt raises his eyebrows and looks between the two of them. “Is that a joke?”

Andrew gives him an exaggerated wave. “Bye, Matt!” He rolls his eyes and closes the door behind him with a soft click.

“She said Foxes, plural,” Aaron says slowly. “Who else has to go?”

“I think you know.”

“Fuck,” he mutters. “I don’t want to be on TV.”

Andrew grins and looks over to Neil. “I bet I know someone who’s going to hate it more than you.”

“Fuck,” Neil echoes. “I’m not going on her show.”

“Coach says we don’t have a choice.”

Neil grabs his keys from the hook by the door and stalks out. He only has to wait a few moments before the door opens again. Andrew walks out a second later and locks the door behind him with his own set of keys.

He points to the elevators with mocking enthusiasm. “To the stadium we go!”

Coach’s office door is open, and Seth and Dan are already occupying two of the chairs just inside. Allison stands next to Seth, and unsurprisingly scowls when she sees them. Neil’s glare is reserved for Wymack as he steps up to the desk.

“You were just going to put us on TV without even asking?” he accuses, frustration bleeding into his tone.

Wymack pinches the bridge of his nose. “The deal was for Dan and Allison to go,” he mutters, sounding like he’s been through this conversation too many times already.

“They don’t know that, though. If you back out now it’s going to look like you’re hiding something,” Dan says.

“We’re not seriously letting him go on TV,” Seth says, gesturing expansively at Andrew, who smacks his hand away after it almost hits him in the arm. Seth moves to stand and is immediately shoved back into his chair by Dan as Coach sighs loudly.

“Can you all behave for five seconds? It’s like herding cats sometimes.”

“How many of us is she expecting?” Renee asks as she walks into the cramped office.

“All the monsters,” Allison says with a smirk. “I can’t wait to see that shitshow.”

The date of the show comes far too soon for any of their liking. Dan, Matt, and Renee all come with them on the bus, while the rest of their teammates opt to sleep to a reasonable time and catch the recorded version later. 

Andrew dozes for the entire ride over, and Neil waits until the last minute possible before waking him to take his medicine. It’s been harder and harder to wake him up lately and his name isn’t enough to rouse him today when he’s had to adjust his schedule for the show. Neil nudges his boot with the toe of his sneaker, getting out of the way just in time as Andrew’s fist hits the seat instead of his chest.

“Sorry,” he says when Andrew scowls, and hands him his pill bottle. He downs a pill dry, still glowering as Wymack tosses a biscuit his way.

“Not hungry.” His voice is muffled from grogginess, though the fact that his face is squished against the back of the seat probably contributes as well. He pulls his knees up to his chest so Neil can pass by him to sit next to the window, then he puts his feet back on the floor and angles his body towards Neil.

“Time?” he asks, and promptly falls back asleep. Neil gives him his answer once he wakes up a few minutes later, jittery and manic as ever. He tears his previously discarded biscuit to shreds and eats about half before balling up the wrapper, squishing the pieces inside back together into an unappealing lump. They arrive fifteen minutes later and Wymack dismisses the rest of the Foxes before coming to a stop at the back of the bus.

Wymack stands in front of Andrew and holds out a hand impatiently. “Give me the knives.”

“What knives?” he asks, and grins at Wymack’s stony expression. After a moment Andrew crosses his arms. “Turn around.”

Wymack mirrors his posture with a scowl. “I don’t have time for this today. Knives. Now.”

Andrew laughs. “You’ll make time if you want the show to start on schedule.” 

Wymack sighs explosively and turns to face the front of the bus. Andrew peels off his armbands and hands one to Neil to retrieve the knives from their sheathes. He hands it over once he’s done and Andrew pulls them both back on before dropping each knife to the floor one at a time. Wymack sighs again once the clanging comes to a halt. 

“Can I turn around now?” he asks, sounding every bit like he’d prefer to be ramming his head into a wall.

“Yep,” Andrew says brightly. He stands and steps over the small pile of knives and around Wymack, who has crouched down in front of them. Neil starts to pick one up, then stops as Wymack waves a hand at him.

“Make sure he doesn’t kill anyone while we’re here,” he says tiredly.

The host meets them out front and introduces herself as Kathy Ferdinand. She eyes Andrew warily as he grins up at her and doesn’t offer her hand for any of them to shake before leading them inside.

The four of them are led to dressing rooms while Wymack takes the others to go find seats. One of the aides tries to split them up into pairs, and is met with matching glares from Neil and Aaron as the twins are put together.

“It’ll be easier for everyone if you keep Andrew and Neil together,” Nicky tells him with an apologetic shrug. The aide just points them over to another assistant before unlocking the dressing room door. He takes a fabric measuring tape from his pocket and starts to unwind it.

“Touch me and you’ll die painfully,” Andrew informs him cheerfully. The aide seems to remember why they’re here and mutters something about grabbing a few different sizes before retreating back to the hallway.

He returns quickly and drops a pile of clothes onto one of the stools in the small room. Andrew rummages through the pile until he finds something acceptable and hands it to Neil before going back to look for himself. 

Neil’s suddenly glad it’s Andrew in the room instead of Nicky as he pulls off his shirt and catches his reflection in the mirror. Andrew just tosses the rest of rejected items to the floor as he waits for Neil to dress, and it’s only once he’s done that he starts to put on his own outfit.

Once they’re finished, they meet Nicky and Aaron back outside and wait for their introductions before getting seated on the couch. As soon as the show begins Kathy jumps right in, summarizing their last few games before turning to Andrew.

“Andrew Minyard, the Foxes’ new starting goalkeeper! Rumor has it you’ve been in foster care your whole life. Care to tell us about it?”

Andrew’s eyes go hard, but his smile remains. “No.”

She looks over to Aaron instead. “And you lived with your mother that whole time. Separated at birth, reunited by Exy!”

“Where are you getting this information?” Aaron asks, tone flat.

“I always do my research,” she says, apparently unfazed by his attitude.

She focuses on Neil next. “And what about you? You played as a striker at Macon High, but other than that you’re somewhat of a question mark. Who is Neil Josten?”

Andrew laughs as Neil scowls at Kathy, drawing her attention back over to him as she switches topics.

“I can’t help but notice that you’re never seen without those armbands,” she says with a smile. “Is there a story there?”

Andrew grins right back at her. “How else would you be able to tell Aaron and I apart?” Kathy glances between the twins, Aaron’s scowl juxtaposing Andrew’s cheerful expression. She doesn’t seem to know how to answer Andrew, and her smile twitches as she turns to Nicky instead in a last ditch effort for an answer with some kind of substance.

“You graduated high school years ago, yet you’ve only just signed with the Foxes this year! Do your cousins have anything to do with that?”

Nicky nods. “When Coach Wymack offered to sign all of us it was just something I couldn’t refuse. I’ve been Aaron’s legal guardian for a couple years now and I had just adopted Andrew, so the chance to attend university together seemed like a no-brainer.”

Kathy nods, relieved to finally have a willing interviewee. “Your defensive line is nothing short of impressive this season,” she gushes.

“We work well together,” Nicky agrees.

She turns back to Neil, apparently dismissing his lack of cooperation as a fluke. “You’re relatively new to Exy,” she says, not really a question.

“I started playing this year, same as Andrew,” he lies, but Kathy nods all the same.

“The Foxes are clearly showing improvement,” she adds. “All four of you are undoubtedly talented, do you think this will be the year the Foxes make it out of last place?”

Dan whoops from the audience and Kathy laughs good-naturedly. “And there’s your fearless leader in the crowd, Danielle Wilds! She seems to think this is your year, let’s bring out our other guests and see what they have to say!”

Neil had known for a week that he’d be seeing Kevin and Riko face to face this morning. It doesn’t make it any easier as they wave to the cheering crowd and sit across from him, twin smiles glued to their faces.

“Riko, Kevin, the golden pair of Exy! It’s nice to see you here again so soon.”

“Always a pleasure,” Kevin replies smoothly, keeping his eyes fixed on hers as Riko takes the time to survey Andrew’s group. His eyes linger on Neil for half a beat before returning back to Andrew.

“Now for the real reason you’re gathered here today. We’re all dying to hear the details of your altercation,” Kathy says, gesturing between Andrew and Riko. Kevin tenses next to his teammate almost imperceptibly.

Andrew grins at the pair of them. “They’ve been trying to recruit me to the Ravens since before I signed with the Foxes. Something about their team being the best,” he says, adding air quotations for good measure.

“It’s a fact,” Kevin says plainly, smile firmly back in place. “We’ve been the number one team for years.” Kathy nods with him and gestures for Andrew to continue.

His smile grows sharp around the edges as he flicks a glance to Riko. “I’ve told them both that Kevin’s being held back by the Ravens, and by Riko in particular.”

Kathy gasps theatrically and Neil resists the urge to roll his eyes. “Clearly he made the right choice in choosing the Foxes. He’d be a disgrace to our line-up this season,” Riko says dismissively.

Andrew laughs. “Those are fighting words,” he says, and picks at a thread on his left armband. Riko doesn’t flinch, but the hand closest to Kevin curls into a fist. Neil glances at the time to see that their portion of the show is nearly over, and hopes his mother can’t see him from wherever she is as he starts to speak.

“I can’t imagine what you’d do to make sure Andrew doesn’t outshine you from goal,” Neil says. “Maybe you’d make sure he gets wrongly prescribed medication to keep him distracted.”

Riko opens his mouth to argue and Neil continues before he can get cut off. “You’d never be able to be on the same team! You expect the best players for the Ravens and then you cut them down at the knees to make sure you’re always in first place. It’s pathetic.”

Kathy glances mournfully at the clock. “I’m sorry to say we’re out of time for this segment. Any parting words?”

“I wish you all a successful season,” Kevin says woodenly, his eyes not leaving Andrew’s as Riko seethes beside him.

“You too, Kev,” Nicky says with a laugh. Kathy cuts to commercials and stands from her place.

“Always a pleasure,” she says to the pair, extending her hand for them to shake before turning to where the rest of them stand in front of the couch.

“Foxes, prickly as usual, but you make for an entertaining segment every once in a while.” Nicky grins and points at her, mimicking handguns with both hands. As soon as she turns around he uses one of them to mime blowing his brains out. Andrew laughs and throws his head back, then pretends to wipe blood off his face.

“Funny,” Aaron deadpans, and starts for the stairs. Nicky’s close behind, and Andrew follows Neil off the stage without comment.

They’re not quite fast enough, and Riko and Kevin catch up to them. Kevin clears his throat and waits for Andrew to meet his eyes before turning to Aaron and Nicky. “You can go,” he says dismissively. Nicky looks like he’s about to argue, but Andrew shoos them off with a wave of his hand.

Riko waits until they’re out of earshot before he speaks.

“Nathaniel.” Neil’s heart stops then and there as he freezes.

Andrew snaps him out of it as he laughs. “Close, but not quite. That’s Neil.” He smiles mockingly. “Names are hard sometimes.”

Riko scowls. “I wasn’t talking to you, Doe.” His eyes flit back to Neil’s and he smiles coldly. “Kevin is too much of an idiot to notice, but I haven’t forgotten so easily.”

Andrew steps in front of Neil and shoves him backwards in one smooth motion while he tries to remember how to breathe. “I’m faster now on these drugs,” he says with a vicious grin, stepping right up into Riko’s space. “Would you like to try again? I promise I’ll make it worth your while.” His eyes flash dangerously as Riko takes half a step back. “Hmm, no?” He does an about face and spins Neil around by his shoulders before pushing him forwards.

“Somebody doesn’t learn,” Andrew says at his back, and Neil turns just in time to watch him throw an elbow into Riko’s chest. The hand that was on Andrew’s shoulder falls to Riko’s side as he wheezes.

“Jesus Christ, Andrew,” Nicky complains loudly from his place across the room, already moving towards them. Then Renee’s here, Wymack at her side and towering over Riko.

“He didn’t mean it,” Renee lies, and smiles serenely at the striker. Riko’s eyes are furious as he straightens, but he doesn’t come any closer.

“We’re leaving,” Wymack says, and grabs Andrew by his shirt sleeve. Andrew lets him and gives Riko a taunting wave over his shoulder. Riko shoots one last glare at Neil as Renee catches his arm and drags him away to the bus.

“Are you okay?” she asks quietly.

“I’m fine,” Neil mutters, and moves to the back row next to Andrew.

“That could’ve gone worse,” Nicky says as soon as they’re seated.

Aaron scowls. “Not really. We should’ve just cancelled.”

Wymack sighs. “Probably. Get settled, it’s a long drive back.”

“What the fuck was that, Neil?” Matt asks as soon as the bus starts to move.

“It was all true,” he says, anger still simmering in his chest.

“I mean, yeah,” Nicky says. “We weren’t expecting it from you, though. Andrew, yes. But not you.”

Neil crosses his arms. “I don’t know what Kathy wanted from us during the show. It was closer to an interrogation than any interview I’ve ever seen.”

“We’re Foxes,” Dan says, almost-bitterly as she laces her hand in Matt’s. “People care more about our pasts than our playing, it’s something you’ll all have to get used to sooner or later.”


	27. Shallow Water

A week later they have a game in Georgia. Andrew times his meds right this time and is off his high by the time warm-ups roll around. Just before they end he leaves the goal and heads straight to where Wymack and Renee stand.

“Pick a number between one and five,” he says, flicking a bored look to the coach.

He hesitates. “Three. If that’s how many strikers you’re pissing off, I would prefer for it to be none.”

“Not quite,” Andrew allows, the ghost of a smile on his face. “I’m playing the entire game tonight,” he adds, and walks back out to the goal.

Neil intercepts him halfway there. “Hope you’re well-rested,” Andrew tells him. “You’ll be running a lot.”

“You’re really doing it then?” he asks, expression sharp with excitement.

“That whiskey better be worth it,” he mutters, and Neil steps aside to let him pass before joining Renee at the court wall. Neil won’t be on until second half this game, but Nicky and Aaron are starting as his backliners tonight. He’ll need Matt in the second half more than he will right now when withdrawal has barely begun.

Aaron and Nicky work well together as a defensive line, but the University of Georgia has a strong Exy team and it isn’t long until one of the strikers breaks past. He takes a shot at the goal and stands still for a moment as he waits for the sensors to light up red. He only has a second to realize that they won’t before Andrew is hurling the ball back up court to Juan. He doesn’t waste any time as he snags the ball out of the air with his net and passes to Seth.

Seth scores the first point of the game, and the Foxes celebrate for a moment before starting back up again at half court. Andrew spares a glance over to Neil after Seth gains possession, and finds him at the first-fourth line, cheering on the team with vigor alongside Renee. Andrew lets the Foxes score a couple more times before he gives away the first of three goals at twenty minutes in. By the time they get a break for halftime Andrew’s not quite shaking, but he knows it won’t be long before he starts.

Wymack leads them to the lockers and Andrew doesn’t bother listening as he tells them the change to the line-up, just digs through his bag until he can find packets of cracker dust. He finally finds a few and looks up as Nicky begins to protest.

“You can’t play a full game!” he says, looking between Andrew and Wymack.

“Watch me,” Andrew mutters in vicious German. Neil comes over to sit next to him while Wymack summarizes the next half’s players. Once the tremors start he empties two of the packets into his mouth and saves the third until just before he needs to back in goal.

“What number did Wymack pick?” Neil asks quietly.

“Three,” Andrew says through clenched teeth. “Expect the other two within ten minutes.” He swallows the last of the dust and shoves his helmet back on as he walks out of the locker room.

True to his word, Andrew lets the last of the points scored on him end after ten minutes. He shuts down the goal after that, ignoring Dwayne and sending rebound after rebound over to Neil. He scores eight points that way, more than he’s scored in the last three games combined.

Matt is their strongest backliner, and along with Damien he keeps the strikers back almost entirely during the last fifteen minutes of the game. Andrew sits down in goal as soon as the final buzzer sounds to signal the end of the game. Still clutching his racquet, he glances up to see the score set at twelve to three. Neil’s at his side in seconds, and he crashes down next to Andrew grinning.

“That was amazing,” he says with a laugh, then stills as he catches a glance of Andrew’s face. “Can you make it to the lockers?”

“Going to have to,” Andrew says, and presses his lips together tightly as he swallows back bile. Neil stands and offers his hand.

“Yes or no?” Andrew nods and Neil puts an arm around his shoulders, taking some of his weight as they walk to the lockers. He gets to the bathroom and drops his racquet to the side as he empties his stomach, violent tremors wracking his body. Neil’s back a moment later with his pills and a bottle of water. He swallows a pill and downs half the water until he feels steady enough to stand again. He takes as fast a shower as he can manage and dresses quickly before sitting on the floor against the lockers. The team still isn’t back yet so Neil takes advantage of the empty showers and piles his gear on top of Andrew’s once he’s out.

He’s still triumphant from the game, and it’s not really a surprise when he turns to Andrew and asks yes or no. They kiss until his meds start to kick in and Andrew has to stop.

“I’m gonna crash in a second,” he tells Neil with a scowl.

“Okay,” he says easily. “Want me to stay?”

Andrew’s pretty sure he says yes before his eyes slide closed but he can’t be sure. By the time he wakes up the rest of the team is back and in various stages of getting ready to return to the bus. Neil is still next to him, messing with his bandana, and he brightens when he sees that Andrew’s awake.

He’s not the only one, and Andrew points his racquet at Matt when he walks over. Matt takes the hint and stays a few feet back as he congratulates them.

“Why haven’t you done that sooner?” he asks with a grin. “Twelve to three!”

Andrew grins right back and taps his fingers on the netting as he flips the racquet lengthwise. “There’s not enough whiskey in the world,” he tells him cheerfully, and leaves to go find Wymack.

He’s in the nurse’s office talking with Abby as Andrew shoves the door open. Wymack gives him a fierce smile as he holds out the whiskey he’d been promised.

“Don’t make a habit of this,” Andrew warns him, and brings the alcohol back over to Neil. Nicky’s sitting nearby and cheers at his return, grabbing at the whiskey. 

“What are you doing with a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue?”

“Drinking it,” Andrew says, batting his hand away and taking a long swig before passing it over to Neil. Neil grins at Nicky and takes a sip, then hands it back to Andrew as his cousin scowls.

“Did you score eight points or lock down the goal?” Andrew asks him mockingly, and takes another drink.

“I helped with the goal thing!”

“Hmm,” Andrew says consideringly. “Okay.” He holds out the bottle out to his cousin and Nicky drinks a generous amount before setting it down at Andrew’s knee. Aaron steals a couple drinks and the bottle is nearly half-gone by the time the girls enter.

Wymack takes a look at Andrew’s group and frowns. “That’s a hundred dollars down the drain,” he mutters, then turns to the rest of his team. “Good work tonight, Foxes. Let’s keep winning from here on out.”

Dan whoops and shakes his shoulder enthusiastically before walking over to Andrew. “Do it again next week?”

Neil glowers and opens his mouth to answer but Andrew beats him to it. “Absolutely not. Pull your own weight sometime.” She frowns and moves to stand next to Matt again without another word. Andrew takes one last drink from his pricy reward and lets Neil lead him to the back of the bus.

The rest of the ride is uneventful and most of the team dozes up front, though his group is in high spirits as they finish off the whiskey. Neil is warm and heavy at his side, and he eventually falls asleep against him. Andrew taps his fingers against the seat with the hand furthest from Neil and tries not to fidget too much.

Nicky grins when he sees. “I’ve never seen you that still with your meds,” he says with a smirk.

Andrew smiles back at him, though his eyes narrow. “If you wake him up I’ll stab you,” he says lightly, and Nicky turns back around to face forward with a huff.

He wakes up anyway as soon as the bus comes to a halt in front of the stadium. Wymack takes one look at them as they start to file off the bus and rolls his eyes. “Sit down, I’ll drop you off at the dorms instead.” Nicky cheers and gives him a thumbs up.

“Get some sleep,” the coach says, eyeing the empty bottle Andrew clutches to his side.

“Bye, Coach!” Andrew calls, and grabs Neil’s arm with his free hand when he stumbles on the steps. He won’t be able to sleep for a while but he can watch over his family at least as he waits for his meds to wear off. Aaron and Nicky take the beanbag chairs so Andrew sits up on the table to smoke. Neil joins him after a moment and is asleep on his shoulder again before the cigarette is half-gone.

He’s just starting to feel a little less restless when his phone buzzes in his pocket. He nudges Neil awake with his knee and presses the speaker phone button.

“Why does Kevin Day owe you?” Wymack’s tone has Neil standing up and pulling on his shoes before Andrew even answers.

“He doesn’t,” Andrew says, but he’s grinning all the same. “He at your apartment?”

Wymack sighs heavily. “Yes.”

“We’ll be there in twenty minutes,” Neil says and disappears into the empty bedroom.

They walk to the stadium first to retrieve the Jeep from its place in the parking lot. Andrew’s still too easily distracted to drive so Neil settles into the driver’s seat and slots the keys into the ignition. They follow a car into the gated complex, and when they get to the seventh floor Wymack’s apartment is already unlocked. 

Andrew wanders over to the couch to find Kevin downing a bottle of vodka with surprising efficiency. “I bet he didn’t even have to steal that,” he says to Neil, and Kevin tears his gaze from the ceiling to look him in the eye.

“I saw you stand up to Riko like he was insignificant,” Kevin says, something close to desperation in his tone.

“He is.” He eyes the awkward way he holds his left hand and the near-empty bottle in the right.

“I can’t go back,” he says shakily. Andrew’s seen the same look on his own face a thousand times before, has seen it on Neil and on Aaron and even Nicky at times. He knows what it’s like to feel trapped and curses internally as he begins to speak. 

“I can protect you from him,” Andrew promises. Kevin doesn’t look convinced, but he nods all the same.

“What do you want in return?”

Andrew shrugs. “I don’t care enough about anything to want,” he says, ignoring the weight of the lie on his tongue.

“I know you don’t care about Exy.” He gives Andrew a considering look. “You’re wasting your potential when you don’t try, I know you’re worth more than that.”

Andrew turns away, already bored of the conversation.

“Let me have your game,” Kevin continues, and steps around to face him again.

“No.”

“You don’t have anything else to build your life around once you get off those pills. I know you don’t care about your future, you picked a major that’s virtually useless without a higher degree. That leaves Exy.”

That leaves  _Neil. _Kevin doesn’t know any better though, so Andrew holds out his left hand. Kevin breathes out a sigh of relief as he sets down the vodka and seals their deal with a handshake. He doesn’t bother telling Kevin that his game is virtually useless, he’ll figure that out soon enough on his own.


	28. Good News

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not me forgetting to post today until 15 minutes before midnight
> 
> Anyways Matt’s a monster now because I make the rules

There’s a hesitant knock on the door, almost quiet enough that Andrew doesn’t wake. Almost. He swallows his nausea as he stands and leaves his blanket on the beanbag chair. He opens the door half expecting Kevin, and finds Matt instead, looking sheepish as he holds a blanket to his chest.

“Can I stay here tonight? I’ll sleep on the floor, I just don’t want to go back.”

Andrew steps aside to let him in. “What’s wrong with the girls?”

“No one answered,” he says with a shrug.

Andrew closes the door and waves a hand towards the bedroom. “You can take the bottom bunk, I don’t use it.”

Matt gives him a surprised look. “Are you sure?”

Andrew rolls his eyes. “I just said to, didn’t I?” Their talking is enough to draw Neil out from the bedroom and he waves tiredly at Matt before heading to the other beanbag chair.

“Okay. Thanks,” he says quietly, and walks to the bedroom.

“Can you get my pills?” he asks Neil. “Matt probably won’t take them but I don’t want to risk it.”

“Is that what’s going on?”

“It’s my guess. Why else would he be here at two in the morning?”

Neil yawns. “That late, huh?” He walks into the bedroom and is back a few minutes later with the pills. “Matt said to tell you thanks again,” he says as he pulls his chair over to Andrew’s.

“We should just bring our furniture up here,” Andrew says. “These aren’t very comfortable.” He’s only been awake for a few minutes but his hands are already beginning to shake. It’s dark enough that Neil won’t be able to tell, so he quietly asks him yes or no.

“Yes,” he answers, so Andrew rests his head in his lap and laces their fingers together. “Is it bad tonight?” Neil asks, already carding his free hand through his hair.

“No worse than usual,” Andrew replies, lets himself relax against Neil. Too soon he’s forced to sit up, tremors making him shudder. “Go back to bed,” he mutters tiredly, and stumbles over to the bathroom to dry heave into the toilet. Neil taps softly at the doorframe once, and then he can hear the bedroom door open and close. He’s too tired to go back outside so he leans back against the wall near the door and tries not to think about how long it’s been since the bathroom has been cleaned.

He jolts awake some time later with a crick in his neck and the feeling of being watched. He looks up to find Matt staring at him groggily. He points to the toilet so Andrew heaves himself up with the door handle and walks to the beanbag chairs.

“Were you there that whole time?” Matt asks after he joins him on the other chair. Andrew shrugs and doesn’t bother answering. It’s just after five thirty, too early to take another pill before practice and too late to go back to sleep. 

Kevin’s arrival had been enough to rattle the Foxes, and Andrew is starting to get tired of the suspicious looks thrown his way every time Kevin talks to him. Kevin becomes a new presence at Andrew’s side, and though he glances at Neil every once in a while, he has yet to call him Nathaniel. He’s officially signed as an assistant coach, but he and Wymack have already begun discussing his options for playing in the next season. 

Andrew ends up giving Matt his dorm room key as he’s been taking the bottom bunk more often than not, thanks to his roommates’ steadily increasing drug use. He’s pretty sure if his brother can stomach witnessing his withdrawal daily he can probably cope with Matt’s presence, but he warns him all the same that he’ll have to kick him out if he triggers Aaron. 

He could drug him and force him to go through his own brutal withdrawal in hopes that he’ll be strong enough to kick the habit for good, but taking him away from the stressors might work just as well. His roommates only participate in their recreational drug use on their own time, and as long as he’s out of the room he doesn’t showcase any indicators of a potential relapse. It’s too much effort to go through to drug him anyway. He’s been clean for months, he’s dating Dan, and it’s not like Andrew uses his bed anyway. Matt easily accepts the terms of his deal and ends up moving his dresser into the room within the week.

Kevin stops by the dorms just as Andrew and Neil are leaving for what’s become routine night practice. His left hand has only just come out of his cast, but Andrew has a feeling he’ll be well enough to critique them both mercilessly, even if he can’t practice alongside them just yet.

“This car is atrocious,” Kevin comments as he ducks into the backseat of the Jeep.

“I know,” Andrew says at the same time as Neil, though his tone is much less fond. His pills wore off close to half an hour ago so he climbs into the driver’s seat. Kevin raises his eyebrows at him through the rearview mirror but remains silent as he takes them to the empty stadium. Kevin is out of the car first and punches in this month’s code with his right hand.

After Neil unlocks his locker and straps his gear over his pajamas, Kevin gathers equipment and leads them out to the court. He starts setting up cones at its center for drills while Andrew sits in goal and waits. Kevin comes over after Neil sits beside him and glares at the two of them.

He points at Andrew with his good hand, a too-familiar scowl darkening his expression. “You said I could have your game,” he accuses. It’s not a new conversation and Andrew argues with him every step of the way whenever he brings it up. Sometimes he’s cheerfully manic, others he’s irritable from withdrawal, but his disdain for Kevin’s obsession is and always will be a constant. 

“I didn’t say you could have it easily,” Andrew replies flatly.

Kevin mutters something unflattering in French, judging by Neil’s amused expression. He hasn’t let Kevin know that he can understand him yet but it’s only a matter of time. Kevin’s been more and more scathing and Andrew gives Neil another week before he slips up and yells back.

“You’re wasting my time by pretending you’re not as good as I know you are. I saw a tape of you lock down the goal against University of Georgia, and Coach told me you intentionally gave away those three points.”

Andrew’s stare is unwavering so he turns to Neil instead. “You’re not trying hard enough. I know you have potential, but you’re refusing to use it. Give your game to me,” he says, and Andrew rolls his eyes.

“How many games do you need, are you starting a collection?” he mutters in German.

Neil grins and nudges him with his shoulder. Kevin eyes them but remains silent, waiting for Neil’s answer. He doesn’t give him long before he starts again.

“You could be court,” Kevin tells him, irritation giving his tone an edge. “Both of you could! Why are you making this so difficult?”

Neil sighs, though his eyes are filled with longing for a life he’s not sure he can have just yet. “Take it,” he says, and grabs his racquet as he stands. “Teach me the drill.”

Kevin leads him away and gestures to the cones, then to the wall. He hasn’t outright complained yet, but Andrew knows he’s itching to demonstrate the drill, sees it in the way he starts to reach for Neil’s racquet then pulls back with a fierce scowl. He gets over it soon enough and directs Neil to reposition his feet, then walks over to the court wall and places his hand where Neil should aim before getting out of the way. Neil knocks over the cone on his third try and turns to smile triumphantly at Andrew. He doesn’t smile back from his place on the ground, but he does give him a halfhearted thumbs up. 

Unimpressed, Kevin runs the drill a few more times before pointing Neil back to the goal. He collects the cones and carries the stack with one hand to the first-fourth line. Andrew hadn’t bothered to grab any of his gear so Kevin heads back to the lockers while Neil lends him his helmet. Kevin sets the cones up in a semi circle at the first-fourth line before handing him his racquet.

“Neil’s going to shoot on goal. You can leave once you knock down the cones.”

Andrew scowls. “I can leave whenever I want,” he corrects him, and almost walks out then and there just to see his expression.

Kevin sighs and he sounds so much like Wymack for a moment that Andrew stops to look over at him. “Just start the drill.”

Andrew has always had good aim, and he knocks down the cones one by one on his first try. Kevin just nods and moves them out to half court. It’s close to two by now and exhaustion makes him sluggish. This time he has to take a few attempts before all the cones have fallen to their sides. Kevin frowns and checks his watch before moving on.

He sets up the cones in random order across the court and motions for Neil to come over. Andrew tosses him his helmet back and sits down as he waits for Kevin to finish talking. Stage one has almost come to an end and he knows it won’t be long before he starts to feel nauseous again. He grabs his racquet and starts for the locker room, ignoring Kevin as he calls his name. It’s not nearly late enough to take his first dose yet, so he resigns himself to another night of being miserably sick.

He sits down against the lockers and rests his elbows against his knees, holding his head between his wrists. His armbands are sweat-soaked and lumpy from the sheathed knives, and he almost considers removing the bands as a knife digs into his temple. He would if it was just Neil here, but they also would have left an hour ago if it had been just the two of them. 

Kevin stalks in and falls short when he sees Andrew. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Withdrawal, dumbass,” he grits out, and ignores the way his stomach turns.

“Oh. Can’t you just take another pill?”

Neil drops his helmet onto the nearest bench with a loud thud. “He already took three today. We usually leave earlier than this.”

Kevin frowns. “You’re like this every night?”

“I sleep through it about half the time,” Andrew says, and glares at Kevin when he offers him his hand. 

Neil carefully tugs off his chest padding and tucks it back into his locker. He heads back to the court a moment later, returning with the stack of cones and his racquet balanced precariously on top. Kevin grabs it before it can fall to the floor and together they carry the equipment to the gear closet.

Andrew takes their moment of distraction to stand. He squeezes his eyes shut and swallows hard as he leans against the lockers, waiting for the dizziness to fade. By the time Neil and Kevin are back he’s returned to his blank-faced facade and leads them out of the locker room without a word.

“Dorms or Coach’s?” Neil asks as he unlocks the car doors. 

“Dorms,” Kevin says after a moment of hesitation. 

“Okay. You can take the bottom bunk if Matt’s not there, you can have mine if he is.” Andrew rests his head against the cool window and tunes out the remainder of their conversation as he fades in and out of unconsciousness.

“Andrew.” 

He looks up to find the car just outside the dorms, idling at the curb. Andrew blinks the sleep from his eyes and climbs down from the Jeep. He sits with Kevin outside the building until Neil finds a parking spot and tries to ignore everything else.

“Why aren’t we going inside?”

“I gave Matt my key to the room and I don’t feel like picking the lock.” His head is pounding and his shirt’s sticking to his back and he all he wants in the world is for Kevin to shut up.

The world remains cruel to him. “Why?” Kevin asks.

“I’m not talking anymore,” Andrew mumbles and rests his face in the palm of his hand. 

Neil jogs over and gives him a confused look before saying “oh, keys.”

Matt’s at their dorm again so Neil points Kevin to the top bunk and settles into the chair closest to the door. Andrew stays curled in on himself and tries to avoid getting sick and actually succeeds for a change. He’s been out of dust since the game against Georgia, and alcohol only serves to worsen his withdrawal at this point. He catches a couple hours of sleep in bits and pieces and by the time morning comes he takes his first dose without complaint, the cravings for the meds coupled with crippling nausea making his decision easy for him.

After Neil gets back from his run, he asks Matt to drive them to Columbia. He obliges and Kevin sits up in the front seat with him, mostly talking about Exy like the predictable bastard he is. They stop at Sweetie’s for some more crackers and Andrew stuffs them into his jacket pocket for safekeeping before they head back to the house. Matt does most of the heavy lifting in getting the couch and chair into the truck’s bed, though Neil helps as best he can. Their height difference makes it difficult, and eventually Kevin uses his good arm to assist Neil.

“You could help,” Matt complains at him.

“Hm. I could, couldn’t I?” Andrew says with a grin. He moves over by Neil and climbs in the truck bed to pull the couch in though, and only laughs once when it almost falls on Matt. It also almost hits Kevin, and he’d promised to protect him after all, so he helps with the couch and the chair and relinquishes the front seat to Kevin again so he can sit in the back with Neil.

Matt drives them to a hardware store to make a couple copies of Andrew’s key. The keys aren’t technically supposed to be copied, but they’re also not supposed to have six people living in one dorm room and they’re doing that already, so Andrew doesn’t see the harm in breaking another rule while they’re at it.

Once they’re back, he sits with Neil on the roof and drinks enough coffee to prolong the time he has before he inevitably crashes. He doesn’t technically have to get through stage one before he takes his next pill, but he’ll take any time he can get to be more of himself, even if it means he’ll be awake to suffer through all of stage two. Tomorrow he won’t have a choice in whether he gets to stay awake or not, but it doesn’t hurt to catch an extra hour or two of sleep when he can afford it on game days.

In the meantime, all he can do is watch the changing sky with Neil, using the limited gaps between mania and nausea to have an actual conversation. They also spend a fair amount of time kissing, and it’s not a bad night by any means. Although he knows that they’ll be safe and together, he’s dreading their game tomorrow, and it’s enough of a distraction that Neil has to squeeze his hand to get his attention.

“You okay?”

He looks away from the sky, and over to Neil, and finds that he actually is. He doesn’t hesitate in telling Neil, and holds his gaze for only a moment before lighting a cigarette. He takes a drag before passing it to Neil, and they stay there on the roof long after the sunset fades.


	29. My Best Habit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys sorry for the two week late update. I haven’t written anything for this au in weeks and then I decided to rewrite the next chapter instead of going with what I had from before so that took some time. Updates are probably going to be less frequent than they used to be while I figure out some plot stuff. Thank you to those of you who have stuck along for this long, I always appreciate your kudos and comments :)

Today’s game is in Texas and it’s far enough away that they’re forced to fly. Abby drives the bus to the airport and Andrew glowers as Wymack reminds him to take his pill. He’d honestly prefer to sleep at the airport instead so he doesn’t have to think about the flight, but going through withdrawal in public isn’t an option. It’s hard enough to wake him up after he crashes anyway and he doesn’t really feel like hitting anyone, no matter how irritating Kevin’s nagging is.

He crashes early on in stage one, bored and unwilling to fight withdrawal today. By the time he wakes up again they’re pulling into the airport parking lot, so Andrew takes his dose and shoulders his backpack. He falls asleep again on the shuttle bus, and jolts awake when it jerks to a stop, already jittery. His anxiety over flying is going to make his fidgeting unbearable, though at least he won’t be able to feel much over the strength of the mania.

Andrew half expects Neil to not make it through security but the guards seem more apathetic than anything towards the Exy team and they barely spare them a second glance. It doesn’t stop Neil from looking slightly panicky, and all Andrew gets is a muttered “I’m fine,” when he nudges him.

“Hey,” he says, and waits for Neil to look at him. “I won’t let anything happen to you,” he promises.

“I know,” he says, scans the exits anyway. Andrew knows their roles will be reversed soon enough so he doesn’t say anything else, just stays near enough for Neil to lean on.

Once their plane finally begins boarding Andrew takes a seat between Neil and Kevin. In different circumstances he’d probably rather have a seat next to a wall, but the window draws any and all preference away. Neil leans across he and Kevin from the aisle seat to pull down the shade and Kevin gives him an odd look before focusing back on Andrew. He doesn’t snap at his restlessness, just sighs and closes his eyes.

Neil pulls out the iPod Nicky had given him all those months ago and untangles a pair of headphones. Andrew watches the safety demonstration with careful eyes, and it’s only once the flight attendant has finished that he looks back over to Neil. 

He holds the right earbud out to Andrew questioningly and presses the left one into his own ear. The music helps distract him, and Neil picks songs with loud drums and bass to tap along to. He puts his hand palm-up between them once the plane begins to move, and Andrew grips it tightly as he stills, music forgotten while he squeezes his eyes shut. 

The mania is back in full force once he’s mostly convinced that he’s not about to die, and he reluctantly opens his eyes again once the plane stops shuddering. He hates not being in control. At least on the roof he’s the one that decides whether he lives or dies, he’s the one who chooses not to take the step. Thousands of feet in the air he doesn’t have a say in anything, and on his meds he especially doesn’t. 

He silently decides that he hates that part of them the most. He can deal with the crashing, with the never-ending energy and the nausea that leaves him gasping for breath. But he despises the smile they force onto his face, hates that he has no control over his words, his tone, and even his actions are sometimes too sudden to catalogue.

Now that he’s thinking about it, he can find lots of things that he doesn’t like about them. He hates that they’re so addictive, that every morning he craves the medicine more than anything in his life, that even with his false cheer he still doesn’t fucking care about anything.

Neil squeezes his hand like he can read his thoughts and Andrew reminds himself that he still cares about what’s important. He squeezes back and tries to distract himself with anything else, settling on checking on his teammates.

Kevin’s somehow asleep, or just pretending to be so the self-proclaimed Exy obsessed teenagers a few rows back won’t get up the nerve to talk to him. Nicky and Aaron are a row ahead of them, and Damien conspicuously puts his headphones on as Nicky chatters away. Renee and Allison are with Abby, who is examining Renee’s wrist after she’d strained it during their last practice. She’d probably still be able to play if she needed to, but Abby turns it this way and that as she looks it over.

His other teammates are too far away to focus on, so he turns back to Neil instead. He’s still at his side, not that he really has anywhere to go, but Andrew knows he wouldn’t leave right now even if he could. He offers quiet reassurance, and Andrew taps his fingers against his hand a few times before closing his eyes again.

He’s not able to sleep during the flight, the meds and the fact that they’re trapped in a metal vehicle of death far too high above the ground are working together to prevent it, and they get through most of the playlist Neil had made on the bus before they finally land. The flight wasn’t long enough for his pill to wear off, but by the time they reach the stadium he’s just beginning to feel the effects of withdrawal.

Kevin and Wymack had joined forces to persuade him to play a full game in light of Renee’s injury and he isn’t looking forward to any part of tonight. Except for maybe the promise of expensive whiskey he’d gotten earlier. His family is certainly eager for the incentive, and Andrew zones out while Nicky talks for what feels like the eighth minute straight. If he was still high he’d be right up there with him, so he tries not to snap at him from his place on the bench.

Drills and warm-ups go by quickly, despite the fact that the home team has at least three times the players that the Foxes do. That’ll mean fresh strikers, though they’ll have Matt to get through during the second half. He’s feeling off enough to forgo the numbers game, though he knows Kevin is hoping for a shutout.

The first half of the game crawls by, and Andrew almost wishes Aaron or Nicky would slip up more so he could at least have something to do. This is one of the better ranked Class I teams, but the Foxes have started becoming less of a train wreck and more cohesive on the court. It shows, and though Neil doesn’t start until after halftime, he’s cheering alongside the other subs as Juan scores. The buzzer for halftime finally sounds, and Andrew doesn’t bother checking the score as he trudges off the field. Withdrawal is hitting him harder than usual for some reason today, and he’s feeling dead on his feet as he walks past his teammates and to the locker room.

He crashes almost immediately as he slumps against the lockers, and when he’s eventually shaken awake he’s too disoriented to throw a punch as his world spins.

“Andrew?” Neil asks, hand still on his shoulder as concern bleeds into his tone.

“Hm?” He closes his eyes again and waits for the dizziness to subside.

“You didn’t wake up. That was the second time I had to try.”

Andrew shrugs with a heavy shoulder. “So?”

“So, are you okay? Renee or Reggie can sub in just as easily if you can’t play.”

“I’m okay,” Andrew mumbles, and rummages around the small pocket of his backpack for some dust. It’s dehydrating enough that he shouldn’t take it, but he’s too tired to lock down the goal this way. 

“He’ll play,” Kevin says from halfway across the room, and Neil stands up to stalk over to him. He’s too short to get in Kevin’s face, but it doesn’t stop him from shoving a finger at his chest in anger.

“You aren’t deciding shit for him,” he grits out venomously, and Andrew stops to wonder if something had happened while he was asleep. He drinks some water, takes three packets of crackers at once, and hopes they’ll be enough to get him through the game.

“I’ll be fine,” Andrew says, voice steady as he stands. Kevin grins triumphantly at him while Neil shoots him one last concerned look. Andrew tugs his helmet back on and the three of them walk back out to where Wymack stands. He gives Andrew a quick once-over, then jerks his head to the bench. Reggie sits there, fully geared up, and Andrew belatedly realizes that not only does he actually have a way out, Coach hadn’t expected him to come out of the locker room at all.

The nausea is just barely there, but it’ll be back in full force soon enough and he needs to make a decision now. Andrew gives Wymack a thumbs up, not trusting himself to speak right now. Reggie removes his helmet with a grin and turns back to Juan to continue the conversation he’d interrupted. 

He and Neil walk out to the court together, and Neil taps his racquet softly before heading to his place. Andrew goes to the goal, and once he’s there the game starts up again.

The new strikers on the opposing team are full of energy and drive to get on the scoreboard but Matt is faster. He pops the ball backwards to Andrew and he immediately slams it up to Neil. The worse he starts to feel the harder he tries to make sure it doesn’t show, and he defends the goal with more determination than he has for most of the season.

Neil dodges a backliner and takes nine steps before shooting hard at the goal. The ball gets blocked this time, but Neil scores the next five chances he gets. Seth has mostly gotten over his irritation at never being passed to if Neil is on court with him, though Matt runs interference sometimes and lobs it up to Seth instead of either of them. The two of them rack up points for the Foxes and the small amount of fans that had made the commute react with raucous enthusiasm.

The game is almost over the next time he checks the board, and morale is running low for the home team. Their coach sends out substitutions in a last ditch effort to score some points, and Andrew has to put in more effort into guarding the goal as one of the replacements breaks around Damien and takes a shot. Andrew pops the ball back onto the striker’s helmet to piss him off a little, then bounces it off the wall at an angle so it’ll make it back to Neil.

He grudgingly admits that the night practices have been helping under Kevin’s impossibly high standards, and the ball goes exactly where he’d meant it to despite the withdrawal. It probably helps that he’s almost always crashing during night practices, so he’s used to playing in the same kind of conditions during game nights. 

Tonight it’s especially bad, and it only gets worse as the minutes tick down on the clock during the last quarter. Andrew swallows the nausea that persists even after the crackers, and hopes his shaking is too subtle to pick up on camera. He can always blame it on adrenaline, he supposes, and shakes his head to clear out the fog that’s settled in. He idly wishes for an energy drink or some coffee or anything to help him focus on the task at hand but there’s nothing left to do in the remaining few minutes in the game but wait.

Matt either begins to notice his dwindling ability to stay upright, or he’s just excited to completely shut out the other team, because he ends the game with vigor, blocking the striker and passing the ball back up to Dan for safekeeping. She hurls it up at the ceiling at the last moment, not giving the other team a chance to reclaim the ball as the final buzzer sounds. Matt whoops loud enough for Andrew to hear him over the roaring in his ears, and he rushes over to Dan to twirl her around in celebration.

The striker he’d been blocking for the last quarter of the game has other ideas, and instead of heading back over to his team, he walks over to Andrew. Andrew dazedly remembers to smile and forces a vacant grin on his face. The striker doesn’t spare him a second glance and shoves his racquet into Andrew’s chest, hard. He wasn’t expecting it and stumbles backwards, falling against the wall. He clenches his teeth together in a desperate attempt not to throw up at the sudden movement, and the ringing in his ears grows louder as the goal lights up red around him.

Damien’s there in a second, not wasting any time in throwing a punch the striker’s way. He could care less about Andrew on any given day, but none of the Foxes have any reservations fighting for each other on the court, even after the game has ended.

“Are you good, dude?” Andrew realizes that his eyes are closed and opens them to squint up at the backliner. Neil is there too, now, and he crashes down to the ground next to him. He’d been across the court a moment ago and Andrew dimly registers that he probably passed out.

“Hey,” he says quietly, and waves Damien off. Andrew doesn’t reply, wants to take his helmet off so he can stop feeling like he’s about to suffocate. Realistically he knows the helmet isn’t the problem in him not getting enough air and it probably has more to do with the fact that his breathing is too fast and shallow to do him much good. 

Matt’s there next, and he reaches a hand out and hauls Andrew up without warning. Andrew’s vision goes black around the edges at the sudden movement and he sways dizzyingly for a second before Neil has a steadying arm around him. If it was anyone else Andrew would probably lash out then and there, but it’s Neil and he’s about three seconds from blacking out so he lets him lead him to the door with Matt trailing a few steps behind them.

“Watch Kevin,” Neil tells Matt without slowing. With Andrew out of commission and Neil preoccupied, Matt is a good third choice for Kevin duty, so he doesn’t protest. He’s not completely sure that he’d be able to anyway with a headache from hell and practically non-existent balance.

They make it to the locker room and Andrew has just enough time to yank his helmet off before he’s puking his guts out into the toilet. He stays there for what feels like eternity before he finally slumps against the bathroom wall. Once he’s feeling stable enough to stand he flushes the toilet and rinses his mouth out in the sink before heading back to the lockers. He falls to the floor in a half-controlled slide against the lockers, and leans forward a little to yank off his shirt. He shucks off his goalie armor and puts his dirty jersey back on, now a good three sizes too big.

Neil sits down beside him and Andrew repositions himself to sit between his legs, head falling backwards to rest against his collarbone. He hooks an arm around Neil’s ankle while he pulls off his gloves and raises a hand to his hair, letting it hover there for a moment until Andrew gives him a stilted nod. He cards his fingers through his hair, the other arm circling around his waist, and Andrew relaxes enough to close his eyes. He dozes off until Neil’s arm tightens around his stomach almost imperceptibly.

He tips his head back and looks up at Neil blearily to find him glaring straight ahead. He drags his eyes forward to find Allison, who has a sharp smile on her face as she takes in the scene in front of her.

“I’m going to win so much goddamn money.”

“Go away,” he croaks, throat still dry and scratchy from crackers and the time he’d spent getting sick. Allison winces and slides her phone into the pocket of her jeans.

“You sound like shit,” she says unnecessarily, and makes her way to the lounge, uncharacteristically quiet.

Andrew would rather stay here with Neil and not move for the next day or so, but the team will only wait for so long before barging in, so he grabs his backpack and trudges to the showers. He’d packed a long sleeved shirt this time so he shoves his sweat-soaked armbands to the bottom of the pack after he’s done and dresses quickly. 

His head is still spinning as he drops his gear into a pile while Neil gathers his things. He’s not confident that he won’t fall off the bench without something to lean on, so the lockers are his next best choice after Neil. He usually can’t fall asleep during stage two of withdrawal, but he manages for a second time, still not entirely sure of what’s causing a worse reaction to the drugs tonight.

He jolts awake at the sound of the door, and Neil emerges from the showers to dump his gear onto the pile before resuming his place next to Andrew. He’s too tired to ask yes or no, but he trusts Neil to tell him if he’s uncomfortable as he leans against him again.

“Do you want your meds?” he asks quietly. “It should be close enough to the flight by now.” Andrew lifts one shoulder and reaches for his bag, wishing for not the first time that they’d driven to Texas instead.

Nicky bursts into the locker room, followed by a disgruntled Kevin. Matt enters the room behind them, but stays a few paces back as Nicky steps forward.

“You don’t look so good, kid,” he says, smile fading.

“I don’t know why it’s worse this time,” Neil tells him when it’s apparent that Andrew isn’t going to answer. He swallows his pill dry and stays as still as he can as another wave of nausea hits him.

Wymack walks in next. “You’ve earned your keep,” he says, grabbing Abby’s bag and pulling out two bottles of whiskey this time. “I won’t ask you to do it again.”

“Okay,” Andrew mumbles, not really believing him.

“Complete shutout,” Kevin adds, tone filled with something close to respect.

Andrew waves him off, not willing to talk about Exy. Nicky grabs the drinks from Wymack and tucks them into his backpack while Andrew closes his eyes again. When he wakes the locker room is cleared out, gear and bags probably already on the rental van, and only Neil remains.

“Feel any better?”

Andrew shoots him a grin and raises his hand from his waist up to his temple as he stands. He hates his pills but even the fucking mania is better than whatever the hell that was. Now the symptoms of withdrawal have all but disappeared, buried under the unwavering high. Neil actually looks relieved when they walk out to the van, and the team doesn’t spare them a second glance as they walk to the back, already over the celebration.

The ride to the airport is far too short, though they don’t have to wait long before their plane boards. The flight, just as bad as last time, cuts through the mania again during takeoff and landing. By the time they’re back on the bus again Andrew’s just ready for the day to be over. 

He grabs his backpack and one of the bottles of expensive whiskey, drinking a quarter of it before passing it over to Neil. The rest of the team is still conspicuously awake, and Neil declines the bottle in favor of handing it to Aaron, who takes a few sips before giving it to his cousin instead.

“Kevin? Whiskey?” Nicky grins when he nods and surrenders it to Neil so he can hand it across the aisle. Matt and Dan wander over, followed by Damien and Allison of all people. Andrew’s working on the remaining quarter of the alcohol and smiles around the bottle at the new company.

“Can I help you?”

“I,” Matt begins with a grin, “am a valuable member of the defense line.” He pauses. “I also live with you and watched Kevin today.”

Andrew laughs and relinquishes his hold on the whiskey to hand it to Matt. Aaron raises his eyebrows at him but doesn’t protest as Matt takes a long swig.

“Other arguments?”

“I punched that dude,” Damien says, and holds out his hand to Matt. Matt high fives him instead of placing the bottle in his hand and holds the whiskey as high as he can while Andrew deliberates. He has another bottle at any rate, so he nods at Matt and gives him a thumbs up. Damien doesn’t drink much, clearly not expecting to have any at all, and gives the bottle back to Andrew before heading to his seat.

Dan shakes her head when Andrew raises his eyebrows at her, so he turns to Allison instead. “I didn’t tell,” she says smugly.

Nicky sits up straighter in his seat. “Tell what?” he asks. She ignores him and holds out her hand. 

“You didn’t,” he agrees, and turns over the last of the whiskey to her as Wymack parks the bus at Fox Tower.

She holds the bottle in front of her and clicks her nails against it until the rest of the Foxes are paying attention. “A toast,” she says with a winning smile, “to a total shutout today!” Dan whoops beside her and Renee joins in from her seat, and then the team is celebrating again.

Nicky is undeterred. “Tell what?” he asks again. Allison just smirks and walks back up the the front of the bus to sit by Renee. Wymack pinches the bridge of his nose, watching his players cheer, though he sports a fierce smile all the same.

“That’s what I’m talking about, Foxes, fourteen to nothing!” He catches Andrew’s eye roll at the spectacle and gives him a nod. Neil grins beside him, and nudges his thigh with his own, looking like he’s on top of the world. Andrew’s cheer is solely medicated but it doesn’t prevent him from grinning right back at him. Soon when the meds wear off it’ll be harder to celebrate, but for now he doesn’t mind as he follows his group off the bus and into the dorms.


	30. Bad Things

Even after months of taking the meds Andrew still finds them disconcerting, how they can completely change him within minutes. Not just with the ever-present smile and too-cheerful words, but with the way his thoughts move too fast, how distractible and fidgety they make him. Usually it manifests in what he talks about, mindless, useless topics he’d never care about on a normal day. Though he supposes this is technically his new normal, he’s been taking the pills every day with no real end in sight.

That’s what he’s thinking about as he walks to the bathroom where he’d left his meds the night before. Withdrawal isn’t horrible when he wakes up unless he waits too long to take his first dose, but he craves the pills more than ever first thing in the morning. 

Andrew had woken up later than usual today thanks to the post-game celebration, and his hands are already shaking as he reaches for the bottle. It’s more than half-empty as it’s almost the end of October, and his prescription will have to be refilled soon. He brushes his teeth and shakes a pill into his hand before setting the bottle back on the counter next to the discarded lid.

The door creaks opens behind him and he startles. There’s a loud clatter as he turns to find Nicky at the door.

“Shit,” Nicky says, eyes glued to the sink. Andrew glances back to see the pill bottle overturned, now containing a single pill. He opens his palm, half expecting for the second pill to have fallen down the drain as well, and wordlessly deposits it into the near-empty bottle. If he only has two to take today, he’ll wait until his withdrawal gets worse before he caves. He sighs and steps out of the bathroom as he screws the lid onto the bottle tightly.

He curls up in his chair and falls back asleep before Nicky even exits the bathroom, clutching the bottle in his hand like it’ll try to make its escape as well. He still feels sick when he wakes up again to the sounds of someone in the kitchen making breakfast, but it’s not bad enough to warrant a pill yet. He wanders over to find Neil scrambling eggs with Kevin standing nearby. They’re both already dressed for practice, and he’s probably slept for longer than he’d thought if Kevin is awake.

“Hey,” Neil says, then looks over when Andrew doesn’t reply. “Nicky told me what happened, I doubt Coach will mind if you skip practice today.”

Kevin frowns. “Practice is mandatory, it’s not just something you can choose not to go to whenever you feel like it.”

Andrew dials Wymack then and there, and puts the phone on speaker.

“Why are you calling me?”

“I’m not going to practice today,” Andrew says, maintaining bored eye contact with Kevin.

“Is there a reason you’re making my life difficult this morning, or did you just feel like it today?”

“I only have two pills left. I go through withdrawal enough during games, I’m not dealing with it at practice too. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

There’s a pause on Wymack’s end, then he sighs. “I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he says, and hangs up the phone.

Andrew raises his eyebrows at Kevin in challenge, then rattles the pills around in the bottle as obnoxiously as he can.

Kevin rolls his eyes. “I didn’t know you only had two,” he mutters. Andrew shrugs and starts making coffee. They’re almost out of the flavored creamer he uses so he resorts to adding enough vanilla syrup to make Kevin cringe.

Neil transfers the eggs to two plates and sets one in front of Kevin before taking the other for himself. Nicky joins them at the table and complains about the lack of food, though when it’s clear Neil won’t be swayed, he switches tactics.

“Andrew’s going to starve,” he says, gesturing emphatically as Andrew scowls at him.

Neil rolls his eyes. “If Andrew liked eggs I would have made him some.”

“ _I_ like eggs,” Nicky says pointedly, and Kevin sighs before sliding his plate over. He’d already eaten most of the food but Nicky cheers nonetheless. Aaron wanders over with Matt shortly after and they both grab a piece of fruit. Aaron raises an eyebrow at his decidedly uncheerful expression so Andrew lets Nicky explain this time and sips at his still-bitter coffee.

“Are you still coming with us to go shopping?” Aaron asks once Nicky’s finished.

“Definitely not.”

“Do we really need to get costumes?” Neil asks for the thirtieth time since he’d found out they’re going to Eden’s on Halloween.

“Free shots,” Nicky reminds him earnestly. Neil levels him a flat look and Nicky laughs. “I’ll drink yours and Renee’s, you stingy child.” He looks over to Andrew. “Do you want us to get you something while we’re there?”

Andrew can already imagine the kind of costume Nicky will pick out for him. “No.” 

The smell of the eggs is starting to make his stomach turn and Andrew halfheartedly considers leaving the table. He doesn’t really want to deal with his teammates’ misplaced concern though, and decides to wait until they leave for practice. Kevin’s been checking his watch every few minutes anyway, so they should be leaving soon. 

His suspicions are proven right as he scrapes his chair back and stands. Andrew’s not the only one to wince at the noise, and Aaron throws an affronted glare at Kevin, who ignores him in favor of putting his plate in the sink and walking to the door.

The rest of them follow, except for Neil, who stays seated. “I’ll meet you at the truck in a minute,” he says, and waits until everyone has filed out before turning to Andrew.

“Is it like last time?” he asks. Andrew lifts one shoulder in a shrug. It’s not quite that bad yet but it’ll probably get there by the time practice is over. 

When Neil continues to stare, Andrew raises his still-shaking hands in lieu of giving an actual answer. “I’m staying here,” he says, already digging his phone out of his pocket.

Andrew glowers up at him. “Why, so you can listen to me throw up for an hour? Go to practice.”

Neil sighs. “I’ll text you as soon as we’re done,” he promises. “Yes or no?”

“Yes.” Neil smiles and walks around the table to drop a kiss on his forehead. He wasn’t expecting it and feels his face heat up despite how poorly he’s feeling. Neil smiles again and kisses his nose, and then finally his mouth. He pulls back too soon and glances forlornly at the door.

“Watch Kevin,” Andrew reminds him, and then he’s gone.

Andrew washes the plates when he can’t stand the smell of food any longer, and if he throws up in the sink that’s not really anyone’s business but his own. 

Maybe he should take Wymack’s suggestion and talk to Bee about his pills after all. If withdrawal is going to keep hitting him this hard at only a few months in Andrew can’t imagine how it’s going to progress during the rest of his probation. 

He has a quiz today in his English class on a story he hasn’t bothered to read yet, but he buries his face in the couch instead and tries to ignore the pounding in his head. He idly wonders if Aaron would take his quiz for him, then texts Wymack instead. If there’s ever a time to take a sick day it’s now.

Wymack calls him in lieu of replying to his message. “You know I can’t stand texting,” he says as a greeting.

“Didn’t wanna talk,” Andrew mumbles into the couch.

“I’m emailing your professors now,” he says gruffly, and all Andrew can hear is the click of his keyboard for a moment. “Nicky’s been on the phone with your psychiatrist instead of practicing,” he grumbles. “Should’ve just stayed home with you.”

Andrew hums in reply and puts the phone on speaker before tossing it onto the cushion. His head spins at the movement and he misses whatever Wymack says next. The line doesn’t go dead though, and Andrew falls asleep to the sounds of footsteps and the office door clicking shut.

When he wakes up again he can barely open his eyes against the pounding in his head. He squints over to the phone to see that the call is still going, and he’s been asleep for nearly an hour.

“Why didn’t you hang up?” Andrew asks, reaching for the pills. They’re more addictive than anything he’s experienced in his life and his willpower is completely shot as he shakes one into his palm.

“I’m on babysitting duty so your cousin will actually play the game that’s paying for his education.”

“Fuck off,” he mutters, too tired to put any heat in his tone. “I’m taking my pill now, you’re off the hook.”

“What a relief,” Wymack says dryly. “Kids are heading back now,” he adds and Andrew hangs up on him. He shoves the phone into his pocket on top of his keys. He doesn’t technically need them today, it’s not like he’s planning on leaving the dorm room any time soon, but it’s comforting to know that they’re there all the same.

He stays curled in on himself on the couch and stares balefully at the pill in his hand like that’ll make the withdrawal disappear. Andrew drops the pill back into the bottle and screws on the cap before chucking it across the room and immediately regrets it with the next wave of nausea that comes with it. He squeezes his eyes shut again and presses the side of his hand to his mouth in an effort to not ruin their couch. Nicky walks in a moment later, zeroes in on Andrew, and starts for the couch.

“Get out,” he says through clenched teeth.

Nicky ignores him. “Where’s the bottle?” Andrew points petulantly to the corner near the window where he’d tossed it. Nicky grabs it and sits on the chair nearby. The others file into the girls’ room, though Kevin heads for the bedroom instead, eyes fixed anywhere but him. Neil walks in a second later and frowns.

“Wymack won’t let me skip class,” he grouses, then settles on the floor next to the couch. He doesn’t ask why he hasn’t taken one of the pills yet, probably because Nicky’s still nearby, but he does stay there until there’s only a few minutes until their statistics class is supposed to start. “I’ll be back soon. Wymack’s going to pick Kevin up in a little while.” He doesn’t say why Kevin’s going back to the court but it’s almost definitely to discuss the spring season that’s rapidly approaching. 

Andrew stays on the couch, tense and miserable for another hour before something changes. His nausea ebbs away, leaving only the unfiltered rage he hasn’t felt since the fight with Riko, and a need for the pills stronger than any of the cravings he’s had for them to date. He levels a glare at Nicky, then stands and holds out his hand.

“Give me the pills.” Nicky’s startled expression turns to something close to fear directed at him for the first time since they’ve met. Andrew doesn’t waste time to dwell on it and wretches the bottle out of his hand.

He throws a short “don’t follow me,” over his shoulder and stalks downstairs to the parking lot. Kevin walks down a few minutes later and takes one look at his expression before keeping a good distance away.

Wymack raises his eyebrows at Andrew’s presence when he parks at the curb. “Thought you took your pill,” he says, not really a question. Andrew shrugs at him with a bitter expression and climbs into the backseat. Once they arrive he finally caves and swallows the pill before immediately crashing in the foyer. When he wakes he’s fidgety and cheerful, strange rage all but dissipated. He doesn’t pay it much mind, and digs his phone out of his pocket instead.

He scans the screen to find a text from Neil complaining about their English class. He’d read the story they’re being quizzed on today, but the grad student that teaches that class is notorious for badly worded questions and Neil’s grade could go either way at this point in the semester. He gets another text thirty minutes later of a paper riddled with fox paws instead of notes. There’s still twenty five minutes left in the lecture when Neil lets him know he’ll be going on a run after class despite the near certainty of rain.

Andrew stays in the foyer, bored and jumpy and impatient for another few minutes before he gets tired of waiting. He raps incessantly at Wymack’s door until he opens it with a huff, and then dismisses Kevin a moment later. 

They walk back to Fox Tower and Andrew mulls around a probably-horrible idea while talking with Kevin about some other nonsense he barely pays attention to.

“Do we need the car for anything tonight?” Andrew asks.

“Not technically, I think we’re postponing costume shopping until the weekend. It’s better to have the Jeep for night practice but we can just walk tonight if there’s something wrong with it.” Andrew motions towards the front doors of the dorms when Kevin pauses to look at him for an answer. Kevin’s mostly used to not arguing with him unless it’s about Exy so he continues inside without protest.

Andrew makes a beeline for the Jeep and climbs into the driver’s seat on autopilot despite rarely driving since being on the pills. He adjusts the seat and turns the keys in the ignition and stays in park until he’s too restless not to anymore. There’s a warning on the pill bottle not to operate heavy machinery but it also says not to drink while on them and he’s done that already. The pills don’t even work the way they’re supposed to, so why should he have to listen to the warnings?

He pulls out of the parking lot just as it begins to rain and his probably-horrible idea settles firmly into the definitely-horrible category as he turns onto the highway. 

It turns out the warning may actually be warranted this time. Not unlike playing Exy, it’s incredibly difficult to concentrate or to care about anything else other than what’s entertaining for him at the moment. Entertainment happens to come from weaving in and out of traffic like he’s playing a video game and Andrew can’t bring himself to worry about the consequences when he’s finally moving as fast as his thoughts are. He doesn’t bother with stopping at red lights whenever there are any, just darts between open gaps in traffic and finds himself laughing at the symphony of angry honking behind him. 

For one reason or another there’s no pigs out, and Andrew would bet money it’s because of the heavy rain that’s attempting to batter his windshield and the wind that threatens to sweep him off the road. Whatever it is, he doesn’t care, it just means he has less chances of getting caught.

He’s halfway to Sweetie’s when his phone starts to vibrate. He flips the windshield wipers down to a lower speed when the rain marginally slows and peers down at his phone after weaving between lanes. Andrew catches his cousin’s name across the phone screen and tosses it into the passenger’s seat without reading the message.

The wet road reflects the glow of the traffic light ahead and that paired with his still buzzing phone distracts Andrew for a moment too long. He turns down a side road to narrowly avoid being obliterated by a SUV in the cross traffic and grins when his pulse quickens. 

Andrew’s phone buzzes for a fifth time and he finally grabs it to read Nicky’s message as he barrels down the near-empty road. A blaring car horn forces his eyes forward again and he has just enough time to realize that he’s on the wrong side of the road before he’s flipping off the driver of the eighteen-wheeler and pulling the steering wheel to the left. 

He careens down a ditch and thinks maybe he should have put his seatbelt on and then he’s stepping on the breaks and knowing it won’t be enough and listening to himself laugh at the thought of dying here.

There’s a horrible crunching noise as the car crumples around the tree, and Andrew crashes against the door as the windshield shatters on impact. He distantly registers his head slamming into the window and broken glass digging into his temple before his vision goes black.

When he comes to, his ears are ringing and his entire body aches and he thinks for a second that he might be going through withdrawal again. Andrew opens his eyes to the scene in front of him, and his mind is alarmingly blank as he tries to remember what happened. 

There’s a strangled noise as he looks over to the tree the hood of the car is wrapped around, and Andrew only has time to realize that it’d come from him before he’s sitting up with a jolt. His vision goes black around the edges from the sudden movement, and then he’s laughing again and that just makes it all that much worse. 

The rain has completely let up, the truck’s long gone, and the lack of sirens make Andrew believe that he hadn’t even stopped to see if he was alive. Andrew’s not sure if he would have stopped in that situation either; it’s not really the driver’s problem some teenager almost killed them both and then immediately totaled his car. 

His head spins as he squints over at the empty passenger’s seat, and he scans the Jeep until he finds his phone next to his foot buried under a pile of broken glass. Andrew slumps back against the seat after he frees the phone and clamps a hand over his mouth until his laughter finally subsides. When he pulls away, his hand is red and he peers at it for a long moment as he tries to remember what he was about to do. 

Andrew’s phone buzzes in his lap as if it’s trying to remind him and he shakes off the glass to get a look at the screen. He glances at the several missed calls from Nicky and Kevin before pressing the first number on his speed dial instead. It rings four times, and Andrew almost thinks Neil won’t pick up when he finally answers.

“Andrew?” He sounds out of breath, probably still on his run. The phone sticks to his face and when he pulls it back to examine it, the screen is tacky with blood.

“Hi, Neil,” he says, and wonders if his voice sounds as far away to Neil as it does to him. It hurts to smile, hurts worse to breathe, but he doesn’t really have a choice in either. 

“Can you come pick me up?” 

Andrew keeps the phone held to his ear and distractedly answers Neil’s questions when he can remember what he said. He blinks his eyes open a few seconds, or maybe a few hours, later and idly wonders when he’d closed them. He answers Neil one last time before he hangs up the phone, and a moment later it slips out of his fingers and onto the floor. 

Andrew brushes away some of the bigger pieces of glass on the steering wheel and pillows his arms onto it, resting his head on top of them. The last thing he registers is his phone buzzing at his feet as he lets his eyes slide closed.


	31. When It Rains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy almost-Halloween! :)

Neil’s phone starts to ring halfway into his afternoon run and he tries to dig the phone out of his pocket while continuing on his path around campus. He presses the answer button as soon as he sees the name on the screen and wonders if Andrew finally took one of his pills.

“Andrew?”

“Hi, Neil.” He sounds cheerful as ever as he asks “can you come pick me up?” Neil comes to a halt on the slippery sidewalk and nearly loses his footing.

“Pick you up,” Neil repeats dumbly. “Where are you?”

Andrew hums noncommittally. “Where are you?” he tries for a second time, knows he’s one wrong answer from panicking. “Are you alone?”

Andrew hums again. “Yes,” he says easily. He waits only a moment before adding “near a tree.”

“Near a tree, where?” His feet finally remember how to move and Neil breaks into a sprint back towards the dorms, not caring if he falls.

There’s a long pause and Neil checks the phone to make sure it hasn’t died. The call is still ongoing, and Andrew’s voice sounds odd as he says “I don’t know.”

Neil pushes his fear down as best he can, but he knows his tone has already taken on a desperate edge. “Andrew, you remember everything. Are you hurt?” 

There’s more silence on the other end and Neil resists the urge to ask again as he waits for an answer.

“I’m halfway to Columbia off a side road,” he says, and his words slur together as he ignores the more important question. “Get Aaron and Nicky.”

Neil reaches Fox Tower and races up the stairs and into Dan’s room, not bothering to knock. She and most of the team are sat in a circle playing cards, though Kevin and Aaron are absent from the group.

“Hey,” she greets him. “Want in on the next round?”

Neil ignores her and turns to Nicky. “Where’s Aaron?” He probably looks like a wreck, drenched in sweat and rain and clutching his phone to his ear as he tries to catch his breath in vain.

“Wrong twin,” Allison says, so he ignores her too.

“Andrew’s not with you?” Neil motions to the phone with his free hand and waits for an answer. “I think he was with Kevin last I checked.”

“Call him.” Nicky obliges and mouths ‘room’ to him.

“I need your truck,” he says to Matt next. Matt frowns but he grabs his keys from his pocket and tosses them to Neil.

“What’s wrong with the Jeep?”

“Andrew has it,” Neil says and starts towards the door, motioning for Nicky to follow.

“What? That’s where he is? He can’t drive on the meds,” Nicky rambles. He tosses his cards down and stands. “Are you okay to drive? You look like you’re three seconds away from collapsing,” he adds.

“I’m fine,” he says, scowling at Nicky’s dubious expression. “I can drive.”

“Let Nicky drive,” Andrew suggests from the phone.

“That’s what you should have fucking done, Andrew,” Neil says as he walks out of the dorm room. He hands Nicky the keys anyway and they collect Aaron before making their way to the parking lot. Aaron doesn’t ask why he’s needed and keeps quiet, unlike Nicky who asks too many questions Neil doesn’t know the answer to. He climbs into the passenger seat once they make it to the truck and desperately tries not to think of the worst case scenario when Andrew doesn’t say anything else. 

“Why are you halfway to Columbia?” Neil asks, half-sure he won’t get an answer. Andrew has been quiet on the other line for minutes on end, and he stays that way for another long moment.

“I’m out of cracker dust,” he says, voice still sounding cheerful and detached.

“Any one of us could’ve done that.” Andrew doesn’t answer again and Neil shoves his panic down again. He doesn’t know that Andrew’s hurt for sure, though the persistent voice in the back of his mind begs to differ. Andrew wouldn’t have called Neil if he didn’t need help, wouldn’t be avoiding answering him if he wasn’t hurt.

“You said you were by a tree?” he asks Andrew, wants to ask a million other questions instead.

Andrew laughs. “You’ll see it,” he assures him, then hangs up the phone. Neil calls him three more times before he accepts that he won’t be getting through again and snaps his phone closed with a scowl.

Twenty minutes later Andrew’s proven right as Nicky breaks just about every traffic law Neil can think of to get them there. All rational thought goes out the window when Neil sees the Jeep and he’s out of the truck and running before Nicky can even park. He crosses the street to skid down into a ditch and nearly crashes into the mutilated car. He stops short at the driver’s side and stares. 

The front of the car is crumpled in on itself, the windows and windshield shattered, and for a heart-stopping moment Neil thinks Andrew might be dead. His head is resting on his arms that are propped up on the steering wheel, and he’s more still than Neil’s ever seen him while medicated.

He stirs as Neil yanks the door open and when he smiles his teeth are stained red. His hair is matted with blood that continues down the right side of his face and he’s not looking right at him, but he’s alive and breathing. Neil goes dizzy with relief and clutches at the side of the door to stay upright.

“Oh, good, you’re here,” Andrew says when he finally focuses on Neil. “I didn’t think I’d wake up,” he continues. Nicky and Aaron reach them and Aaron peers at his brother with calm detachment as he catalogues his injuries.

“Can you move?” When Andrew ignores him he switches tactics. “Did you already call an ambulance?”

“I’m not dealing with cops.” Andrew laughs, then winces as he gestures to the truck. “Besides, I already have a ride.” He fishes around the floor of the car until he finds his phone and his pill bottle, both covered in a thin layer of glass and blood. Andrew shoves them into his pockets anyway and stumbles as he climbs out of the car. He lurches dangerously to the side and grabs on to Neil’s shoulder to steady himself, blinking rapidly as he stays carefully still for a long moment.

Nicky takes the keys out of the ignition and comes around to Andrew’s other side. He moves to help him up the hill when Andrew shakes his head and freezes again. He turns away from Neil and promptly throws up into the ditch.

“I wasn’t this dizzy earlier,” he says brightly, and holds the hand Neil wraps around his waist in a death grip. They finally make it to the truck and Neil climbs into his seat before helping Andrew in. It takes a little while, the truck’s height doesn’t help, but Andrew eventually slumps against him in the backseat. Aaron claims the passenger seat and turns around to look back at his brother.

“I think he has a concussion,” Aaron decides.

“Solid diagnosis, Doctor,” Andrew says, and salutes him with a shaky hand.

“Aren’t you supposed to tell him not to sleep or something?” Nicky asks, pulling onto the highway.

“First of all, I’ve taken half of a biology class and we’ve just been learning about cells so I’m not really qualified to tell him  _ anything_.” He pauses and sighs, turning away from Nicky and back to Andrew. “It depends, are his pupils dilated?”

Neil leans away and takes a second to assess. Andrew’s smile is already starting to fade as he looks back at Neil, his pupils blown wide. “Yeah,” he tells Aaron.

“Okay, then yeah, don’t sleep.”

“The meds make it impossible to anyway,” Andrew says as he leans his head against Neil’s shoulder, tapping his bloody fingers against his knee.

“What happened?” Nicky asks, and Neil feels Andrew tense against him. When Andrew doesn’t reply he asks again, and turns around to face him once he’s stopped at a red light.

“Don’t you know it’s not nice to ask me things I clearly don’t want to answer while I’m high?” He presses his thumb into one of the deeper cuts on his bicep and stares hard at the seat in front of him. Neil taps the back of his hand and he blinks, then wipes the blood on his jeans. “Mostly,” Andrew adds distractedly as he grabs onto Neil’s hand instead.

“Green light,” Aaron says from up front, and Nicky’s forced to face forward again when the car behind him honks.

Andrew’s fidgeting slows as the drugs wear off and he tugs at his armbands before dropping them in Neil’s lap when the hospital comes into view. By the time they reach the parking lot Andrew has his injured hand curled around his side while he retrieves his pill bottle.

“Should you really take one right now?” Aaron asks skeptically. “What if they interfere with whatever the hospital has to give you?”

“I’m not getting charged for breaking parole,” Andrew mutters, and swallows his last pill before any of them can argue. The drugs must have been dulling the pain because now, halfway to withdrawal, Andrew’s expression is tight with pain. He doesn’t hesitate in taking Neil’s hand to step down and out of the truck, and he clings to his shoulder as they walk up to the front desk.

The woman at the computer startles at the blood on Andrew’s face and a nurse standing nearby leads them to an empty room while Aaron stays behind. He joins them a few minutes later and watches the nurse carefully as she performs a series of tests.

“You said he has a prescription?” the nurse asks and Neil blinks back into attention.

Andrew tosses her the bottle, looking about two seconds away from crashing as he leans heavily against the back of the bed. It goes wide and clatters to the floor, but the nurse just scoops it up and fishes a pen out from her scrubs.

“He’s gonna reboot into crazy mode in a second,” Aaron says, ignoring her surprised glance as she stops peering at the marred label. She jots down some information and lets them know a doctor will be in soon as she leaves. Nicky gets there first and snags a chair by the door.

“How are you doing, kid?” Andrew scowls from his place on the bed and closes his eyes. His breathing is just starting to even out when the door swings open. Andrew startles, brings a hand to his head, then removes it just as quickly when the doctor strides in. He reviews Andrew’s chart and lets him know that he’ll need to have x-rays and brain scans done.

“Do I have to be awake for those?”

The doctor frowns. “No.”

“I suggest you do them quickly then,” Andrew says. “I’m going to crash and when I wake up I won’t be holding still.”

“We can give you a sedative,” he says dismissively, and is met with a bored shrug. “How old are you?” he asks, but Andrew is already asleep, head dipping toward his chest.

“Seventeen, his birthday’s in a week,” Nicky answers for him. “I’m his legal guardian.” He warily eyes the doctor as he steps closer to Andrew. “I wouldn’t touch him, he’ll probably hit you.”

He takes a step back. “Does he need to be restrained?”

Neil glares at him. “He’ll be awake in ten minutes, try to hold off with the kneejerk reaction of incapacitation.”

“A nurse will be in soon with a sedative,” he says shortly, and walks out just as quickly as he’d entered.

“Jackass,” Nicky mutters and turns to Neil.“You look exhausted, why don’t you get some sleep while we’re waiting around.” He frowns when Neil shakes his head. “You know I won’t let anything happen to Andrew. I’ll wake you up if anyone so much as looks at him wrong,” he promises.

Neil closes his eyes to humor him, but he doubts he’ll be able to sleep. He has to open them again almost immediately when a man in scrubs ushers Neil and Aaron out into the empty waiting room. Neil stares at the hallway for as long as he can but he starts to doze off despite his best efforts and chalks it up to the adrenaline leaving his system.

“Wake me up if something happens,” he tells Aaron, and it’s only after he agrees that Neil lets himself relax.

He wakes with a gasp as someone gives his shoulder a rough shake, and opens his eyes to find Aaron standing in front of him. Disoriented, Neil digs his phone out of his pocket to find that it’s been hours since they arrived at the hospital.

“Is Andrew okay?”

Aaron squints at him. “Yes, dumbass, they’re just done with tests for a while.”

Neil rubs at his eyes and follows Aaron to a room down a different hallway than the first. Andrew is still asleep, bandaged and pale in the fluorescent lighting. Nicky is slouching in a chair near the bed and he looks up tiredly as they walk in.

“They said he’ll probably be out for a while if you want to get some rest.” He seems to realize that there’s only two chairs at the same time Neil does.

“I’m not tired,” Neil lies, and moves to stand in the corner where he can keep an eye on the door. Aaron claims the other chair and taps away at his phone, almost succeeding in looking uncaring.

Nicky catches his eye and smiles bitterly. “They were kind enough to refill Andrew’s prescription,” he says, motioning to the bottle on the table near him. He steps out of the room a few minutes later with his phone in hand, and doesn’t return for close to an hour.

Hospital time ticks by slowly and Neil gets through the hours by pacing and casting worried glances to Andrew. He doesn’t wake up to chastise him for staring and Neil eventually sits down on the floor against the side of the bed, pulls his knees to his chest and tries not to think. 

Neil gets texts from Matt and Renee and painstakingly replies to them before asking Kevin to bring his duffle bag to the hospital. He switches off his phone after Kevin replies and closes his eyes again. It’s not even nine yet but he’s completely drained.

He eventually falls asleep again and wakes to the feeling of a hand in his hair, fingertips just close enough to register. Neil tilts his head back to see Andrew still asleep, though he’s noticeably closer to the edge of the bed. Neil’s content to watch over him in the quiet room, and soon enough Andrew blinks blearily at him and flexes his fingers. He should probably call the nurse in, but Andrew scoots over to the right side of the bed so Neil can share and he decides that it can wait for a moment.

“You’re okay?” Neil asks softly.

Andrew nods. “Yeah, Abram, I’m okay.” His meds have worn off by now and all that’s left is Andrew, calm and quiet and hurt.

“You scared me,” he whispers, not able to say the words that have been circling in his head ever since he reached the car.

“I’m okay,” Andrew says again, and presses his side to Neil’s before linking their pinkies. He leans away after a moment and zeroes in on his shoulder.

“You’re bleeding,” he says, eyes a little too wide. The monitor to his right starts to beep and Neil looks down to see what he’s talking about. His shoulder is smeared with dried blood where Andrew had laid his head earlier and Neil suddenly wishes he had a sweatshirt to cover it up.

“It’s yours, Andrew. I’m fine, I promise, I just didn’t bring a change of clothes.”

Andrew searches his face for a lie and prods at his shoulder before slumping back against him. The beeping slows and he squeezes his eyes shut in pain.

“Want me to get the nurse?”

“No, it’s just my head.”

“Well, in that case.”

“I’m fine,” he mumbles.

“That’s my line,” Neil says, but Andrew’s expression has already smoothed over in sleep so Neil watches the door with tired eyes until he can’t keep them open any longer.

The next time he wakes it’s light out and Andrew is awake and medicated and sitting a few inches away. He gives Neil’s hand a few taps as he grins, but he’s got his other arm wrapped around his ribs.

Neil gets a curious look from a nurse that comes in a few minutes later, but she doesn’t tell him to move from his place as she checks over Andrew. 

“Are you feeling any pain?” she asks, gestures to his side.

“Only when I breathe.”

She leaves them with a reminder to call if they need anything, already on the way to her next patient. Nicky and Aaron wake up a little while later, and Nicky rubs at his neck in discomfort.

“I think I’m going to buy a motorcycle,” Andrew decides as soon as he has an audience. He’s immediately met with protesting from all members of the room.

“Your car is completely totaled and you want a motorcycle?” Aaron asks.

Andrew gives him an exaggerated shrug and laughs at Nicky’s expression. He continues on, oblivious or simply uncaring from the meds. “Imagine how cool a motorcycle would be though.”

“Could I borrow it?”

“Definitely not.”

“Then it doesn’t seem that cool.”

Andrew grins at him conspiratorially. “If I let you borrow it, will you help convince Nicky?”

“Andrew, I’m literally sitting right here.” Andrew laughs again as Aaron gives him a thumbs up from behind Nicky’s back.

“First of all, your plan has so many flaws. And Aaron, don’t think I didn’t see you!”

“You’re the one who wanted us to get along,” Aaron reminds him.

“You were against this like five seconds ago! We’re sitting in a fucking hospital room because Andrew was in a one person car accident and you find this funny?”

Aaron stays quiet but Andrew beams at his cousin. “Yep!”

He pinches the bridge of his nose and mutters “God, I hate your pills,” before switching to another tactic. “If you get into a crash like you did yesterday with a motorcycle you will literally die.”

“Bummer.” He doesn’t look too upset about it but Aaron stills.

Andrew motions towards him vaguely. “Don’t be so afraid to die.” He seems to notice that Neil hasn’t been involved much and pokes at his cheek.

“New topic,” he says shortly, and tries to ignore the heavy weight that’s settling in his chest. 

Andrew shrugs again and scoots closer so he can lean against Neil. “I was kidding,” he says, then squints. “I think. It’s hard to tell sometimes,” he adds, twirling a finger near his temple.

There’s a small sniffle and Andrew’s head snaps up as Aaron buries his face in his hands. He’s startled enough to lose his smile just for a moment and Neil’s distantly reminded of when he’d adopted the same expression at Nicky’s tears. “Hey, it’s okay,” Andrew says quietly. He shifts towards the end of the bed and reaches an arm out.

Aaron shakes his head but he comes over anyway. “I don’t know why-“ he shakes his head again and Andrew pats at his shoulder a couple times. “You could have died,” Aaron says thickly. “And you keep making jokes about dying, and avoiding questions, and it’s not funny.”

“No,” Andrew agrees, and draws his arm back to his side. Aaron scrubs at his eyes and walks back to his chair before pulling out his phone and staring intently at the screen.

The door swings open to reveal Kevin and Wymack, sporting identically irritated expressions. Andrew gives them a lazy wave with his bandaged hand and leans against Neil again after making sure Aaron is back in his chair. Wymack stays near the door but Kevin stalks right up to the bed and shoves a finger at Andrew’s chest.

Neil sits up, careful not to jostle Andrew, and bats Kevin’s hand out of the way. He’s undeterred, and steps back into Andrew’s line of sight after he lays his head on Neil’s shoulder.

“Do you have any idea how stupid that was?”

“Kevin, nice to see you as always. Better here than the court, I suppose.” Neil knows a deflection when he sees one, but Kevin changes topics easily.

“Will you be able to play again?” he asks, and Neil sees red.

“Get out,” he says, voice cold. Kevin opens his mouth to argue and Neil glares at him with as much intensity as he can muster while being used as a headrest. Andrew just laughs and brings a hand up to cover his ribs distractedly.

“Ouch,” he says cheerfully. “Don’t make me laugh.”

Wymack heaves a loud sigh from his place at the door. “Do I need to call Betsy? You shouldn’t be acting this way right now.”

“I wouldn’t act this way if I won the lottery and within the same ten minutes you told me I’d never have to play stickball again,” Andrew informs him with a grin. “Blame the pills, blame the criminal justice system, blame Riko for all I care. You’ve got nine more months to deal with this shit.”

“Bye, Coach,” Andrew calls after him as Wymack walks out of the room, phone in hand. 

The same nurse from earlier comes back in a moment later with a syringe in hand. “What is that?” Andrew asks, pulling away from her.

“You said it hurts to breathe, correct?”

“I already have meds that make me insane,” he says. “I don’t need any more.”

She looks to Nicky instead. “It’s up to Andrew.”

“It’s up to you,” she corrects.

He turns to Andrew anyway. “Is it bad?”

“No.”

Nicky sighs. “You’re still a terrible liar.”

“I’m already on drugs I don’t want to be on. I don’t want more.”

She looks between the cousins and Nicky sighs again. “You’re hurt, you can yell at me later,” he decides, and nods to the nurse.

Andrew laughs again. “Fuck you,” he says cheerfully and tenses when the nurse empties the syringe. Neil scowls darkly at her, then back over to Nicky, torn between being angry on Andrew’s behalf and not wanting him to be in pain. 

Andrew is already looking more and more tired by the minute but he tilts his head Kevin’s way regardless. “I can’t help but notice that you’re still here after Neil asked you very nicely to leave.”

He glances at Andrew’s bandaged hand, then to his forehead and the way he clutches his side before dropping the duffle bag at his feet. “Just don’t do it again,” Kevin says defeatedly and steps back to lean against the wall. Andrew shoots him a thumbs up, energy fading along with his smile.

Wymack comes back in the room a few minutes later and pulls Nicky out into the hall. When they return, they’re both subdued, and Nicky is uncharacteristically quiet as he reclaims his place next to Aaron. They don’t bother explaining their conversation with the rest of the Foxes, and Neil’s too distracted to ask as he glowers at the door. It’s easier to be mad at the world than it is to think about what happened, so he throws himself into it with vigor.

Andrew pokes him again. “You’re glaring too loudly.” He shuffles around until Neil gets the hint and lays down. Andrew rests his head on his chest and grabs his hand before promptly crashing, and Neil closes his eyes to avoid any conversation directed his way.


	32. I Just Don’t Care That Much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry for the late update, this week has been a whole mess

There’s a nurse at Andrew’s side and he blinks owlishly at her as she looks him over. “I think you gave me too much of that stuff,” he mumbles, tries and fails to remember why he’s in the hospital this time.

“We had to up the dose to combat your antidepressants,” she says. “They wore off more quickly than we anticipated.”

“I’m not on antidepressants,” Andrew says slowly. It sounds more like a question than he’d been going for. A dull twinge of pain in his side accompanies his words but it’s muffled and far away, like it’s trapped behind a thick piece of glass. “Can you stall my social worker? I don’t want to go back until I can figure out what happened.”

“I don’t understand.”

Andrew blows out an impatient breath. “Whenever she asks for me can you just say you need to do some tests or something? I don’t want to go back,” he repeats.

“Andrew,” someone to his left says and he tips his head in that direction.

“Oh,” he says when his eyes focus on Neil. “Hi,” he adds, nurse all but forgotten. With some effort, Andrew reaches an arm out towards him. “I’m so confused,” he admits, hooks clumsy fingers in the hem of Neil’s shirt when he comes closer.

“You crashed the Jeep,” he tells him, and he looks confused for a moment too.

“Oh,” Andrew echoes. “Why would I do that?”

Neil shrugs, jaw clenched and scowling. “I don’t know. I’d like for you to tell me but that’s clearly not an option right now.”

“Are you mad?” He twists his fingers into the soft fabric, anxiousness creeping up into his tone before he has a chance to try to shove it down. 

“Yes,” Neil admits. “At everything.” 

“Sorry,” he says, and Neil blinks at him in surprise. Andrew tries again to remember what happened, then shakes his head when he can’t focus. All that does is make the room spin, and he releases Neil’s shirt to grab at his head instead.

“Everything hurts,” he mumbles. “I hate hospitals. Can we go home?” The lights are too bright and he feels like he might throw up and he still can’t think clearly enough for any of this to make sense.

Neil says something else, soft enough that he doesn’t catch it, and then the nurse is back with a brightly colored pill and a cup of water. “I don’t like pills,” he says automatically, then frowns. “I think? Everything’s fuzzy,” he adds, squeezes his eyes shut a couple times just in case his vision is the problem.

He looks to Neil for help and he looks kind of sad when he says “you don’t.”

“This one’s okay,” the nurse assures him. “It’ll make you feel better.” He sits up enough to swallow the pill, then looks back over to Neil. He’s more focused on glaring at the nurse. 

“Do you always lie to your patients?” he asks, tone hard.

“It comes with the job,” she replies dismissively, and then Neil’s arguing with someone else across the room instead. Andrew doesn’t have enough time to ask what’s wrong before he’s drifting off again, uneasiness weighing heavy on his chest like a pair of hands pressing down, down, down.

Andrew doesn’t wake up with a jolt like he usually does, and the world swims into focus slowly. There’s a hole in his memory following the argument he had with Nicky and he blinks, thoroughly disoriented when he notices Neil isn’t at his side. 

Something’s wrong in the disconnect between his normal restless energy and how long it takes to process what’s going on, but he’s coherent enough to feel a smile tugging at his face. Andrew raises his hands to rub at his eyes and freezes when he isn’t able to move his right one more than a few inches.

“You hit a nurse,” Nicky says quietly, somewhere to his right and just close enough for Andrew to register his presence. 

Andrew looks down at his hand to find it restrained to the bed, and just like that all rational thought slams to a halt. Panic cuts right through his mania and he can’t fucking breathe, all he knows is that he needs to get out. He dazedly hears rapid beeping but he’s too focused on yanking at his hand, the unyielding plastic cutting into his wrist right over one of the gashes he’d gotten in the crash.

“I didn’t- I can’t-“

“Andrew, breathe.” Nicky covers his hand and Andrew flinches hard.

“Stop,” he gasps out, tries to wrench his hand away again while keeping his eyes on him. “Get away from me.” Nicky raises his hands and takes a step back, distress etched into his features.

He looks wildly around the room and tries to focus on something, anything, else. “Where’s Neil?”

“He’ll be here in a second,” Aaron says, voice calm as he raises his phone so Andrew can see what’s probably text messages between them. True to his word, Neil rushes in and scans the room, duffle bag slung across his chest.

“Go sit down,” he tells Nicky. Still in the doorway, he focuses on Andrew. “Can I come over?” He should probably reply. He takes in the blood dripping down his arm instead and wonders if it’s real, if any of this is. It certainly feels like a nightmare. “Andrew, look at me. Yes or no?” 

Andrew tears his eyes away from his wrist and nods, watches carefully as he steps closer. The restraint stops digging into his skin as he stills, and Neil reaches into his bag to reveal one of his knives.

“That’s why I was gone,” he explains as he saws through the plastic. “I fucking told them not to,” he says venomously. As soon as it’s cut Andrew sits up and pushes his back to the headboard, hand cradled to his chest. The beeping ebbs away as he catches his breath, and his smile returns almost immediately.

“You couldn’t have just undone it?” Nicky asks, tone shaky. “We’re going to have to pay for that.” 

“I don’t care. They shouldn’t have done it in the first place, it’s their own fault.”

Nicky nods. “I don’t know what I’m even saying. I just-“

“You could have seriously injured your wrist with a stunt like that,” Kevin interrupts, eyes unreadable. Andrew pulls his arm back to examine the blood smeared over his scars and laughs and laughs and laughs. 

“I think we’re past that,” Andrew says, voice gratingly cheerful while he’s decidedly not. When Kevin doesn’t laugh with him, Andrew thrusts his wrist in his direction to let him in on the joke.

Aaron recoils from his spot sandwiched between Kevin and Nicky. “Fuck,” he says lowly. “Andrew, they’re going to put you on suicide watch.”

Andrew crosses his arms, probably getting more blood on his stupid hospital gown. “Maybe they can use their fancy medical degrees to figure out that those are old.” He pauses. “Medical degrees don’t really mean shit, do they? Bee has one and that psychiatrist that I met with after the trial has one and I’m still on these drugs for some reason! Show of hands, who thinks I’m less of a threat to society?”

Nicky ignores him. “How old?” he asks slowly, looking like he doesn’t really want to know the answer.

Andrew shrugs. “Old enough. I’m tired of talking about this,” he decides, itches for something to fidget with and idly wonders where Neil put the knife. He’d get committed in the blink of an eye if he asked though, even if it’s just to mess with. He taps at his pulse instead in a poor substitute of a distraction and wishes not for the first time that he could leave the room.

“No,” Nicky says. “You risked your life to get crackers, of all things, and you just had some kind of mental breakdown and now I find out that-“ he gestures vaguely towards him. “I need to know how long ago you stopped so I can sleep at night,” he says finally.

That’s not really Andrew’s problem and he tells him so with a grin. “Any other topic,” he says. “I’m not picky.”

Aaron glowers. “Fine. Were you trying to die?”

Sometimes he thinks he hates them both. “One year, two months, and seven days ago,” he says, ticking the numbers off with his newly-freed hand. “Everything else is inconsequential. Now leave me alone.”

“Your life is not inconsequential, Andrew,” Nicky exclaims, and he’s close to shouting by now. He must register Aaron’s flinch because he takes a deep breath and drags his hand over his face. He’s quiet for a moment, and he looks pained as he opens his mouth again. “How long did it go on for? How old were you?”

Irritation turns his smile sharp. “It doesn’t matter how fucking old I was, Nicky, it never has! Leave me the hell alone.”

Nicky starts to speak again but it’s Neil that cuts him off this time, arms crossed and glaring fiercely. “Nicky. He said stop.”

The long silence that follows would probably be uncomfortable if Andrew wasn’t too busy oscillating between panic and anger and manic amusement. As he is, Andrew just balls his hands into fists and laughs. 

Hospitals and forced vulnerability and no goddamn control make for an ugly combination and it brings out the worst in him and the pills all at once. He hates how he’s acting and can’t do anything about it but cover his mouth with his hand and wait for the laughter to stop.

“When can I get out of here?” he asks once he loses his focus, then looks back over to his cousin in as much of an apology as he’s capable of right now.

“They said tonight,” Nicky says. “But I don’t know anymore. You’re going to have to wait for Betsy to get here either way.”

“Why?”

Nicky smiles halfheartedly. “You’re getting off your meds.”

As it turns out, getting off his meds is a more extensive process than Andrew had thought. He would’ve just given Neil his pills and locked himself in the bathroom like he’d done to Aaron, but Bee has other ideas.

It’s not particularly appropriate to stay with his psychiatrist, even if she should hypothetically have the best understanding of his drugs. He stays with Abby instead and under Bee’s instructions she carefully plans to lower his doses to minimize the symptoms of withdrawal. She’s better equipped to deal with his injuries from the crash than anyone else would be, and he’ll choose staying with her over the hospital any day.

He still has to take full doses during the first few days of staying at Abby’s, and the pills do a decent job at distracting him from everything. She doesn’t let anyone visit, though, and he’s bored out of his mind after the first day alone. Andrew’s wired enough on the pills to forgo the idea of staying still, and laughs when Abby warns him about a longer recovery time. His body protests at the movement but it’s only once he starts going through withdrawal that he regrets not listening. 

Withdrawal hits him just as hard at the beginning and though Abby keeps to a strict schedule in an attempt to limit the time spent in stage two, he still spends a decent amount of the first few days throwing up. Three cracked ribs and throbbing headaches put him in agony every time he does, and the previously manageable nausea soon turns unbearable.

The concussion and the pills make it borderline impossible to sleep barring the times he’s forced to crash, and he spends his hours irritable and dizzy and restless. Andrew wakes up confused the first few times it happens, and he looks around for Neil in the dark room before he remembers where he is. To her credit, Abby doesn’t say anything, just hands him his next dose and a couple of painkillers that he refuses.

The pills make him manic as ever, even once Abby starts decreasing the doses, but the symptoms of withdrawal eventually begin to taper off to make way for the inexplicable rage he’d felt only a week ago. Those are the times where both he and Abby are thankful he doesn’t have his knives on him, and Andrew eventually begins to lock himself in the bathroom whenever he starts to notice the signs of it. Abby isn’t pleased, but she lets him get away with it for the majority of the times it happens and raps on the door whenever it’s time for the next dose.

He doesn’t see Bee until Monday when she’s scheduled to bring his counseling session to him and to go over the new terms of his parole. Abby makes sure he takes his dose beforehand while she checks the little progress he’s made in healing, and by the time Bee walks in Andrew is already grinning.

The first thing she does is make them each a mug of hot chocolate, and she gives him a battery of assessments shortly after. Bee can’t get much out of him about family history, he can’t know what he doesn’t have, but she does tell him about the comorbidity between substance use disorder and bipolar II.

“You think Tilda was bipolar?”

“We’ll never know for sure,” she says evenly, jots something down in her notebook. “But there’s a good probability that you are.”

Andrew stares at the pile of papers in front of her so he doesn’t have to look anywhere else. It’s just another thing to blame Tilda for, not that he’ll say that to Bee, but it’s funny enough to make him laugh. He covers his mouth with his hand in an attempt to stifle it and tips his head back to stare at the ceiling instead. 

“It would explain your reaction to the antidepressants,” she continues, unfazed at his reaction. “Without mood stabilizers, antidepressants can present symptoms of mania in those who are incorrectly diagnosed with unipolar depression. I understand why you’re hesitant to try any further treatment medication-wise, but without it you will still experience symptoms of hypomania at times.”

“I don’t care. I was fine before without it.”

“The right medication could improve your quality of life,” she says, “but I won’t force you to take it.”

“If I never see another pill in this lifetime it will still be too soon,” Andrew tells her. She goes over changes he can make in his diet instead, the importance of maintaining a consistent sleep schedule, and the benefits exercise can have during low periods. He won’t have to worry about any of that now while he’s still on the meds, but she hands him a sheet of paper that he doesn’t bother to skim before letting it fall to the floor.

At the end of their session Bee closes her notebook and pours Andrew’s untouched hot chocolate down the sink before pausing at the door to look at him. “Perhaps one day we’ll discuss your reasoning for viewing everything as a fight,” she says.

“Perhaps we won’t,” Andrew replies. “Bye, Bee.”

“I’m here to help you, but it won’t work if I’m forcing you every step of the way. You have to want it for yourself.”

“You sound like Kevin,” Andrew says with a grin. Bee checks her watch and tells him that she’ll be back next week before closing the door behind her with a soft click. Andrew listens for her car to start and it’s only once it leaves the driveway that he looks away from the door.


	33. Empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me?? Posting early for once??? Who would’ve thought

The next few days slide together. Pill, withdrawal, pain, rinse and repeat, all intertwined with wishing Neil was here with him. His phone had gotten lost somewhere between getting to the hospital and leaving it, and Andrew isn’t sure how much longer he can go without talking to him. His injuries are somewhat healed and the cravings for the pills are decreasing more and more, but for now all he can do is get through another monotonous day until Abby clears him to leave.

It’s not until he’s completely off the medication that anything changes. Andrew had gotten so used to buzzing high above the clouds for months on end that when he’s finally off the pills, the all-encompassing numbness that floods him is at once reassuring and disorienting. This is what he’s used to, he can deal with apathy more easily than the unpredictability of mania, but he’s not expecting the deep plunge into depression quite so soon.

Bee seems concerned when he doesn’t bother expending any energy to open his eyes during their next session. He doesn’t feel like telling her that now that he has complete autonomy over his actions again, he doesn’t want to waste them on something as trivial as eye contact or sitting up. It doesn’t help that his limbs feel like they’re full of lead, that his eyelids might as well be sealed shut.

Andrew goes most of the hour without talking, lets Bee fill the silences herself for once. It’s only when she tells him that they only have a few minutes remaining that he forces his eyes open to look at her.

“Why didn’t you get me off of the pills sooner?”

“I tried,” she says. “David too, both within the first week when we saw the effects of them. The courts didn’t agree with me when I said that the antidepressants were detrimental, they said to give it time and that they needed to hear it from you before making any changes.”

“That shouldn’t be my responsibility. It should have been yours and...” he waves a hand disinterestedly. “I never learned the other psychiatrist’s name.” If he were high he’d find that funny. Now it’s just dull, barely enough to be a blip on his radar.

“I asked David to try to steer you in the right direction, but I should have told you outright. There are a lot of things that should have been handled differently,” Bee concedes. There’s a long silence as she waits for a reaction that won’t come.

“The judge used the interview you did with Riko Moriyama as the main reasoning in favor of keeping you on the antidepressants,” she tells him. “You stayed civil with him while he was within ten feet of you and apparently that was a sufficient enough reason to show that they helped.”

“They didn’t help,” Andrew says, something finally getting through the dark cloud of apathy and coloring his tone with bitterness.

Bee nods. “I know. David went to the ERC next but they assumed he was more concerned about the team’s ranking than your well-being.” She shakes her head, something akin to guilt flickering beneath her own mask of calm professionalism. “We should have tried to do more.”

Andrew shrugs, impassivity firmly back in place. “It’s done now,” he says, tone flat, and closes his eyes again. He can feel Bee’s stare when he adds “you don’t have to be concerned. This is what I’m like, how I’ve always been. You just happened to have the pleasure of only seeing me high.” If she picks up on his lie she doesn’t comment on it, and he doesn’t waste his time in saying goodbye.

Andrew’s still stuck in a deep low for the next week and a half and he doesn’t make an effort to do anything about it. He attributes it to his brain making up for lost time after being forced into highs for months, but it doesn’t make alternating between staring at the wall and sleeping for hours on end any less irritating. 

Abby occasionally brings him food that he picks at, though she’s given up on offering him anything for the persistent pain in his ribs after one too many refusals. He’s not sure how long he’s spent here anymore, doesn’t care enough to ask.

Some time later Andrew’s shaken awake and he throws out a fist immediately, reflexes following through even when nothing else will.

“Still well enough to bruise my spleen,” Wymack grumbles.

“Why are you here?” Andrew asks, and opens his eyes a moment later when he doesn’t get a response.

“It’s Thanksgiving,” he says slowly, like that’s something Andrew should know. “Just me, Betsy, and Abby,” he adds. “Come have some pie, Abby says you’ve barely eaten since she took you off the pills.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“I’m not asking,” Wymack counters, and leaves a moment later to bring a piece back to the couch. Andrew methodically cuts the pie into tiny pieces with his fork and stabs at one disinterestedly. He zones out a moment later and it’s only when his fork clatters against the plate that he blinks back into attention.

Wymack sighs. “One extreme to the other, huh?” Andrew shrugs and keeps his eyes on the space in front of him. He sounds skeptical when he adds “Abby says you’ll be ready to leave next week.” 

Andrew doesn’t feel like he’ll be ready to do  _ anything _ any time soon, but he’s not about to say that to Wymack, so he doesn’t say anything at all.

He doesn’t mean to doze off again but the next thing he knows the plate is being tugged out of his hands. “It’s fine,” the coach says when Andrew squints at him. “Don’t hit me.”

“I don’t do it on purpose,” he says blankly, tunes out whatever Wymack says next. Andrew slips between the haze of sleep and consciousness and it’s only when he hears his name that he makes half an effort to stay awake.

The adults are clustered near the door like Abby has been about to see them out and someone had decided the conversation couldn’t wait.

“We can’t compromise mental health for physical health,” Bee says, clearly in the middle of an argument but trying to keep her voice low all the same.

“I know that,” Abby says. “But you’ve seen how much he moves around on the drugs. This is the only time he’s been able to sit still.”

“So laying on the couch too depressed to move is what we’re aiming for.”

Abby sighs. “Of course not. But all I’m saying is that it’s not the worst thing in the world that he has a chance to heal. I can’t clear him until-“

“I’m not thinking about Exy right now,” Wymack cuts in.

“The correct medication would minimize all of this. I just wish he was more open to trying again.”

“Would you?” Andrew asks, voice rough with sleep. The adults look properly chastised but Bee smooths over her expression and gives him a considering look.

“I like to think that I would,” she eventually says. “But we have no real way of knowing that. What I do know, is research.”

“I don’t care. For all I know you would’ve left me on those pills for the whole year. I’m not going to try again just because new ones might help.”

“I did not have a say in your original diagnosis, or in the medication prescribed to you,” she reminds him. “Sometimes people make mistakes. The only thing I can do now is try to help you with moving forward.” She smiles at Abby when Andrew won’t answer her. “We’ll get out of your hair.”

Abby walks them outside and doesn’t come back in for several minutes.

“You shouldn’t blame Betsy,” she says.

“I shouldn’t do a lot of things. Blaming Bee doesn’t even come close to the top of the list.”

She sighs. “Come have some food. I can’t ethically let you leave next week if I think you’re going to keel over.”

Andrew scowls as he stands. “I’m not going to pass out,” he says, grabs onto the couch to steady himself when his vision goes gray. “Whatever,” he mutters when his ears stop ringing. “I’ll eat some pie.”

“You’ll have some real food first,” Abby corrects him, and he’s too tired to argue.

“Fine.”

The days following Thanksgiving aren’t as bad. Andrew gets some energy back, leaves the couch, and does most of the homework that’s been piling up. He actually reads the paper Bee left him on the third day and by the fourth Abby deems him well enough to leave. It’s nearly December by the end of it, and Andrew finally feels like himself again, even if he’s itching to get out of that house.

“Thank you,” he says when Abby meets him at the door. “I know I was a nightmare.”

She shakes her head. “You’re always welcome here. I’m just glad you’re feeling better.”

Better is both an over-exaggeration and an understatement. But Andrew doesn’t really want to be here any longer than he needs to be, and he certainly doesn’t want another counseling session, so he gives her a short nod and walks outside. Neil is already parked in the driveway with the newly repaired Jeep, and when he notices Andrew he steps out of the driver’s seat and over to him.

“Hi,” he says with a smile. “I missed you.”

Andrew doesn’t fully smile, probably won’t for some time, but he does step forward to cling to Neil. They stay that way for a few minutes until Neil pulls back to look at him, eyes unreadable.

“You told me once that I’m not your answer,” he says.

“Back in January.”

Neil laughs and Andrew could spend the rest of his life chasing that sound. “Back in January,” he confirms.

“And you were right. You’re not my answer, you’re something better. You’re everything that matters, Andrew,” he says earnestly, and Andrew’s heart clenches. It’s only been a month since the crash, but it was more than enough time to make him miss Neil more than he thought was possible.

“Can I kiss you?”

“Yes,” Neil breathes out, and closes the distance between them. It’s frenetic and yearning and Andrew would be wholeheartedly content to stay here for another four weeks as long as Neil is at his side. 

He leans away too soon though, and drops his hands from his hair. “Kevin’s in the car,” he says sheepishly. “He’s been ten times worse since you’ve been gone, by the way.”

“That’s impossible.”

“Yeah, that’s what we thought,” Neil says, and hands him his keys. He hasn’t driven since the accident, hadn’t driven before then without withdrawal for months. Neil steps around to the passenger side though, so Andrew climbs into the driver’s seat.

“Took you long enough,” Kevin grumbles from the seat behind him, eyes glued to his phone.

When Andrew doesn’t reply he locks his phone with an audible click. “Good to have you back,” he says quietly.

Andrew starts the car and backs out of the driveway. If he drives less aggressively than usual, Neil doesn’t mention it, though he might not be able to tell with how intently he’s studying his profile. Andrew doesn’t really blame him, he’d rather watch Neil than the road too, but he refuses to be the reason for another car crash so soon. 

Once they get back to Fox Tower, Andrew unlocks the doors and waits. “Bye, Kevin,” he says when he doesn’t unbuckle his seatbelt. Andrew looks up to the rear view mirror just in time to witness an eye roll before Kevin shoves his phone in his pocket and exits the car.

“Catch me up.”

Neil tells him about the games he’d missed, the new bets started between the team, and how he and Kevin had spent nearly all of Thanksgiving at the court. He talks about the new drills he’s been trying, how Kevin had put an end to night practices while he was gone, and how he’s not looking forward to the winter banquet coming up. 

They spend more time kissing than talking, but Andrew can’t bring himself to care. All he knows is that this is too important to waste.

“What about you?” Neil asks belatedly. Four weeks of refusing pain meds and sleeping on the couch doesn’t make for interesting conversation, though Neil would probably listen to him recite an hour by hour play of the last month right now.

“Turns out there’s actually three stages of withdrawal,” Andrew says instead.

“Yeah? What’s three?”

“Homicidal rage.”

Neil gives a low whistle. “Damn, poor Abby.”

Andrew shrugs. “By that point I’d already locked myself in the bathroom.” He doesn’t mention anything else, especially not the last two weeks, but Neil just presses a kiss to his jaw and reaches under the seat to retrieve his armbands. 

“I got the blood off.” Andrew pulls them on and takes the keys out of the ignition when Neil opens his door.

“I missed you,” Neil says again.

“I wasn’t gone for that long.”

“You were. Not just at Abby’s,” he says. “Four months.”

“Never again,” Andrew promises. “I missed you too,” he says. “More than anything.”He steps out of the car and around to Neil before linking their pinkies together. Neil squeezes his hand and they walk upstairs to the dorm room. 

Andrew pauses in his place at the doorway. A massive Christmas tree sits in the corner near the window, multicolored lights twinkling in the afternoon sun. He’s not sure how he feels about it yet, so he steps inside and peers closer at the tree.

“You didn’t mention that.”

Neil shrugs. “Nicky’s making a big deal about Christmas.”

“It’s festive!” he defends, walking in from the bedroom.

“It’s November,” Andrew deadpans.

Unsurprisingly, Nicky ignores his comment. “Hi, welcome back, et cetera, et cetera. I’m thinking about leaving the tree up year round and you’re the tiebreaker,” he says with a grin.

“There’s no way someone else voted to keep that here for the whole year.”

“Kevin did,” Nicky says. “Well, he actually said he doesn’t care what I do with it as long as I stop bugging him, but I’m counting it as a win.”

“Consider the tie broken, I’m not going to smoke next to that thing all year.”

Nicky rolls his eyes. “Renee likes it,” he mutters, glances at him like that holds any sway. When Andrew starts to follow Neil to the bedroom Nicky holds out a hand. “Can you hang back for a sec?” Andrew stops in front of him and waits.

“The last time I saw you, you looked really scared,” Nicky says uncertainly. “Of me. I’ve never seen you look like that before.”

Andrew just barely keeps his expression blank. “And?”

“I guess I want to apologize? And to understand. I just don’t want it to happen again.”

“It won’t,” Andrew tells him. “It wasn’t really your fault, it was a combination of things.” 

“What things?”

“Being drugged and restrained for one,” he says and Nicky winces. 

“I’m s-“

“Nicky, I’m not talking about this. Schedule an appointment with Bee if it bothers you that much.”

His cousin frowns and opens his mouth, no doubt to begin apologizing again.

Andrew’s tone goes carefully flat. “I don’t want to hear it.”

Nicky nods. “It’s over now,” he says, like he’s trying to convince himself more than Andrew, then points towards the kitchen. “There’s cake in the fridge if you want it.”

A sheet cake sits on the bottom shelf reading ‘Happy 18th Birthday/Four Weeks Drug-Free/Welcome Home, Andrew!’ He looks back up at Nicky to find him holding back a smile.

“I told them to pick one, cake decorators are dicks. You should’ve seen their faces when I went in to go pick it up this morning. Smug bastards.” Neil comes out of the bedroom a second later and meets them at the fridge.

“I want the slice that says Andrew,” he says, and Nicky rolls his eyes.

“You don’t even like icing, what do you care what it says?” Andrew asks. “Corner piece,” he adds, and walks into the bedroom.

“Hey!” Matt greets him, already heading towards the door. “Welcome back!” Andrew steps aside to let him pass and turns back towards Kevin and his brother.

“Cake,” he says, and walks back out to the kitchen.

“I texted Renee to bring the girls,” Nicky says once they’re all at the table, and a moment later there’s a knock on the door.

“Do one of you want the piece that says drug, or should I take it?” Andrew asks Matt and Aaron. Aaron rolls his eyes and grabs a slice without any writing.

“I’ll take it,” Renee says to his left, and grabs the paper plate. Matt shrugs and grabs the one with four written atop the icing.

“Do we have to sing?” Allison asks. “We didn’t have to for Aaron.”

“If you sing you don’t get cake,” Andrew tells her, and stabs at his piece. Neil heaps his icing onto Andrew’s plate and steals a bite of cake before splitting his own piece with Kevin.

Seth walks in next and stands as far from Allison as he can while he grabs the piece closest to him. Allison scowls at him briefly and stares at her cake instead. “Why does my cake say free?”

Nicky groans. “Because cake decorators dream of making my life difficult on purpose.”

Aaron scoffs. “Why did you expect them to choose from three messages?”

“I couldn’t pick one, I thought maybe they’d help.” At Allison’s incredulous expression he adds “there’s a lot to celebrate!”

“Yeah, like the last two games we lost,” Kevin mutters. “Reggie’s a shit goalkeeper.”

“It’s his last year,” Renee reminds him. “You of all people know how frustrating it can be to not play.”

“I got my hand broken by a sociopathic asshole,” Kevin argues. “Reggie doesn’t have an excuse. All he cares about is keeping his drug habit alive.”

“Should have given him that piece,” Aaron mutters and Matt snorts. The Foxes finish their cake and Nicky clears the plates with Renee. Allison rummages around in her bag before pulling out an energy drink.

“For you,” she says solemnly, holding the can out to Andrew. “Happy birthday.”

Andrew snags it from her and sets it down in front of him. “What’d you get Aaron?” Aaron pulls out his keys and tosses them to Andrew so he can see the stethoscope keychain hanging off them.

“You’re filthy rich,” Nicky says pointedly, though he’s grinning as he turns to Andrew. “If you’re not going to drink that, I will.”

“I seem to recall that your birthday is in May,” Andrew tells him, and takes a sip from the drink. Neil grabs it and makes a face as he tries it.

“And here I thought you liked monsters,” Allison says loftily. Neil ignores her as he sets the can back in front of Andrew.

“We’re supposed to go see Wymack,” he tells him, and stands alongside Kevin. Andrew grabs his drink and gives the remaining Foxes a salute as he follows Neil and Kevin outside.

“What’s Wymack want?”

“For us to buy suits,” Neil says with a scowl.

“I have a suit,” he reminds him.

“He said, and I quote, if either of you wear what you wore to court I’m throwing your contracts down the garbage disposal.”

Kevin nods. “He did say that.”

Andrew shrugs. “I’m not going to pass up the opportunity to waste his money.”

Finding something outrageously expensive to wear takes less time than Andrew had thought it would, and barely an hour has passed by the time they walk back to the car. Neil clutches the bags to his chest as Andrew drives back to Fox Tower.

“Turn here,” Kevin says, and Andrew obliges. He starts towards the stadium instead and Kevin doesn’t protest, so he figures he’s probably right in his guess.

Andrew parks next to Wymack’s car and sets off towards the entrance. “Code?”

Neil reaches around him to punch in 1129.

“Doesn’t seem very secure to use today’s date,” Andrew says dryly.

Neil smiles. “We couldn’t just not use the day you come home.” 

“Neil and Nicky made Coach change it when we found out,” Kevin says. Neil shrugs, unabashed, and knocks on Wymack’s office door.

Wymack gives Andrew a short once-over when he walks in but otherwise doesn’t acknowledge the last four weeks, or the last time he’d seen him. He nods at whatever he finds, and Andrew’s half-convinced that he just called them here to see for himself if he’d snapped out of it.

“I assume you haven’t been practicing.”

“Abby wouldn’t let me.” He doesn’t add that he wouldn’t have anyway, Wymack almost certainly knows that already.

“And now?” Kevin asks, peering at his shirt like he’ll be able to see the damage through the fabric.

“I guess we’ll see,” he says with a shrug.

“You’re not stepping a foot onto that court until Abby okays it. All three of you go home.”

“You could call her,” Kevin reminds him.

Wymack rolls his eyes. “I could.” He points them to the door though, and Neil closes it behind them before starting towards the car. He stares pointedly at Andrew until he clicks his seatbelt on, and it’s only then that he drives them back to the dorms. 

As soon as they get to their room Kevin turns the TV on, already flipping to an Exy game. Andrew leaves him there and goes to the roof instead, not before grabbing a pack of cigarettes. He sits a few feet from the edge and is in the process of freeing the lighter he’d stuffed in the mostly full pack when Neil walks out of the stairwell and over to him. Neil plucks the lighter out of his hands before he gets a chance to light up and scowls.

“Problem?”

“You can’t smoke when your ribs are healing,” he says, probably speaking from experience more than anything else.

“You’re worse than Abby,” Andrew lies, but he shoves the cigarette back in with the others anyway.

“Can I see?” Andrew pauses at his tone and turns to face him.

“Abby wouldn’t have let me come back if I wasn’t okay.” Neil nods and looks up to the sky instead, jaw clenched and eyes wide. 

Andrew takes a breath, raises his shirt, and guides Neil’s hand to his ribs. He steels himself for discomfort that doesn’t come with Neil’s touch, then relaxes. The bruising is mostly faded, but Neil winces all the same as he presses featherlight fingers to his side. After a month only a faint line remains, but Neil’s other hand brushes the place where glass had cut into his face.

There’s still a crease between his eyebrows, and Andrew uses the pad of his thumb to smooth it out. “Yes or no?”

“Yes,” Neil says, his hand still warm at his side. Though Andrew doesn’t tell him to, he keeps still all the same as he kisses him back. He’s still sometimes baffled at how easily he can read him, how closely he respects his boundaries without argument. The thought is still there in the back of his mind as he runs his hands over Neil, memorizing the fill of his shoulders, the raised bumps of his scars through his shirt. When he pulls back he’s short of breath, not entirely from the kissing.

“Why didn’t you tell me your ribs were still bothering you?”

“I didn’t care,” he admits, and Neil skims his side once more before removing his hand.

He links their fingers together as they walk to the stairwell and back down to the dorm room. Neil clutches at his hand like a lifeline until they reach the door, but even then he’s just close enough to be in Andrew’s space as he walks in. Kevin’s still on the couch so Andrew sits next to him and steals the remote. Kevin doesn’t protest when he changes the channel, just grabs his laptop and goes to the bedroom instead.

He doesn’t have to sleep sitting up anymore, hasn’t since the first week at Abby’s, but Neil’s eyes are still slightly too wide as he sits down beside him. Ideally Andrew would be able to ground him like he usually does, but his ribs won’t be able to handle it yet, so the next best thing he can do is pull Neil’s head into his lap.

Tomorrow he’ll have to talk with Abby about being cleared for practice, will have to navigate his classes without his meds for the first time in the semester, but for now he just runs his fingers through Neil’s hair and watches the lights twinkle on the tree by the window.


	34. Potions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, happy Friday :)  
> Pretty sure the next like five chapters are Neil POV so that’s fun

Andrew gets Abby’s permission to play again that weekend with a stern reminder not to overexert himself. It’s such a constant relief to see him safe that Neil spends most of his time at his side, right next to Kevin. They start up night practices again and Kevin joins them during drills, switching over to his right hand. At the beginning of the night his aim is abysmal, though after repeating the same drill over and over again for hours, it marginally begins to improve. 

Andrew stands in goal, clearly bored as Kevin takes shots at him. He doesn’t raise his racquet three quarters of the time, and when he does it’s only to pop the ball right back at Kevin when he’s about to get hit. Kevin keeps going, though after another miss he shakes out his left hand in a combination of frustration and pain.

“You’re done,” Andrew tells him. Kevin shakes his head and raises his racquet again, waiting for Andrew to toss the ball back. Andrew doesn’t, and instead lobs it across the court to Neil where he’d been doing his own drills. Kevin stares at him expectantly but Neil just tosses it right back to Andrew in a strange game of keep away. Kevin starts storming towards Andrew so he pops the ball off of his helmet, then catches it with a gloved hand.

“You’re done, Kevin,” he repeats, and starts away from the goal.

“You don’t get to tell me when I’m done,” Kevin says angrily.

“And you can’t make me stay,” Andrew replies evenly. “Your hand hurts, my ribs hurt, Neil’s tired. We’re leaving.” Neil  is tired so he doesn’t complain much, though the same can’t be said for the other striker. Kevin’s expression darkens as he collects his racquet and the cones he’d been using. Andrew’s unbothered as Kevin mutters insults in French at him, though he raises his eyebrows at one of the more creative ones.

“That’s not very professional,” Andrew tells him, the ghost of a smile on his face, and Neil commits it to memory.

Kevin looks back at him in surprise. “You know French?”

“No,” Andrew says, and doesn’t elaborate. Neil knows for a fact that he’d just looked up curses in his free time, but Kevin eyes him suspiciously. He asks him for the time, an easy enough sentence, and Andrew stares blankly at him. 

Kevin nods and turns to leave but Neil’s always been an instigator at heart and can’t help himself from saying “it’s two thirteen.”

Kevin sighs heavily. “Of course you actually do know French,” he grouses. 

“It’ll be less effort for us all if you would express your disdain in English,” Neil says, and Kevin shakes his head before leaving the court.

Neil gravitates back over to Andrew. This is the first night practice in months that they haven’t had to leave at a somewhat reasonable time and Kevin took full advantage of that fact. Neil has no doubt that he’d stay out here until sunrise if he could, high standards skyrocketing for his own performance.

It doesn’t take long to pack up the equipment they’d been using, takes even less to drive back to the dorms. Neil only gets a few hours of sleep that night, and Andrew gets even less, somehow still wired even after wielding a heavy racquet for hours on end.

Practice goes differently the next night. Kevin chooses to focus on Andrew instead, who is thoroughly unwilling to play along. He actually has some energy during practices now that he’s off his meds, and he puts it to use antagonizing Kevin more than anything else.

He starts the night by not bothering to change out, just grabs his racquet and walks out to the court. He leans on the racquet while Kevin and Neil run through a few Raven drills, then begins to twirl it lazily once they make their way over to him. Kevin shoots and gets blocked, and Andrew aims the ball just high enough above him that Kevin can’t snag it out of the air. Instead, it bounces across the court and rolls to a stop near the center.

Neil still has the ball he’d been using for drills so he tosses it to Kevin. This time when Andrew blocks the shot, he passes it to Neil instead. He shoots on the rebound and Andrew pops it against the ground in front of his feet. When the ball ricochets off of the ceiling and back again, Kevin heaves a long sigh and glares in Andrew’s direction.

“Are you going to be difficult all night?”

Andrew shrugs and goes back to leaning on his racquet. Kevin doesn’t bother collecting the balls from the court, and instead heads to the locker room. He returns a few minutes later with a bucket full of them, and sets it down between he and Neil.

Now that they have more equipment, Andrew doesn’t bother blocking any of the shots. Neil stops shooting on the goal after a couple minutes and watches Kevin grow more and more frustrated with each goal he makes.

“If you’re just going to stand there and do nothing, get out of the goal,” Kevin says. “You’re going to end up getting hit.”

“Sounds like the perfect opportunity to practice your aim.” Kevin hurls a ball at Andrew’s face at his comment and for a split second Neil thinks he might let it hit him out of spite. He doesn’t, just stares Kevin down as he catches it with an ungloved hand and lets it fall at his feet. He lets three more shots in before Kevin reaches his breaking point.

“I thought it was just the meds that made you an asshole,” Kevin complains at Andrew, then looks to Neil and switches to French. “You can make him stop,” he says bitterly.

“I can’t  _ make _ him do anything,” Neil replies in English, because he’s kind of an asshole too. Kevin just sighs and takes another shot.

The bucket is completely empty after fifteen minutes, and Kevin stares at the scene in front of him with a tiredness that doesn’t stem from Exy. Neil helps him collect the balls and then they’re back to the same drill. After the process is repeated another time Kevin drops his racquet and storms right up to Andrew to have a quietly furious conversation. 

They’re too far away for Neil to hear, but he doesn’t need to listen to see Kevin wrench Andrew’s racquet out of his hands and toss it away. Andrew lets it happen and crosses his arms, apathy bleeding into his posture. Kevin hurls some more arguments at him before he finally backs down and turns away.

Andrew uncrosses his arms and says something else to Kevin, who whirls around to look at him. He picks up Andrew’s discarded racquet and shoves it at his chest before returning to his place next to Neil. The next shot he takes gets neatly blocked and sent across court. Kevin’s smile is just as fierce as his scowl was moments before and it only grows with the goals he stops making.

They take turns shooting at the goal and while they both score a couple times, the majority of the balls land on the other side of the court. Neil can’t bring himself to mind much about the wasted time in collecting them all when Andrew’s playing like  _ that  _ and he’s pretty sure Kevin feels the same way. They repeat the drill nearly five more times before Neil‘s arms start to ache, but Kevin barrels on with shot after shot.

It’s only after Andrew reaches for one aimed at the upper right corner of the goal and stops halfway through the movement that Neil remembers Abby’s warning. The goal lights up red behind him and Andrew drops his racquet with a loud clatter before sitting down.

“We’re done for the night,” Neil tells Kevin, and he nods, something akin to guilt flickering over his features.

“If you call Abby, I’ll kill you both,” Andrew threatens once they’re close enough to be in earshot.

“No you won’t,” Neil says, sits down beside him. He glances at Kevin, then back over to Andrew. “Can I?”

“It’s fine.” When Neil doesn’t move he sighs. “Yes.” Neil presses careful hands to his ribs until he’s sure there’s no more damage than there was the last time he’d done this. “I said it was fine,” Andrew says once Neil removes his hands from beneath his shirt.

“Maybe you’ll forgive me for wanting to make sure you didn’t puncture a lung.”

“Hm. Maybe I won’t,” Andrew says, but his tone is more amused than anything else. He tilts his head backwards to look up at Kevin. “Was it everything you’d hoped and dreamed?”

“Being able to shoot on an actual goalie? Absolutely.” Andrew salutes Kevin sarcastically and takes the hand he offers. “No night practice for the next few days. I don’t really want to kill the south’s best goalkeeper if I can help it.” 

Andrew flips him off but Kevin just grins unabashedly. He scoops up Andrew’s racquet and carries it with his own to the locker room. Neil waits until the doors slam shut behind him before turning back to Andrew.

“Have you ever seen Kevin in that good of a mood?” Andrew shrugs and sits back down beside him. His face is flushed and his hair is curling and Neil tangles his hands in it as soon as he can.

“Junkie,” Andrew murmurs, and then Neil’s leaning in and kissing him. He lets the world fade to just Andrew and the way his heart pounds against his chest. He’s pretty sure he’ll never get over the exhilaration of being kissed by him, decides he doesn’t want to any time soon.

“As much as I’d like to irritate Kevin by making him wait, I can only stand being on an Exy court for so long,” Andrew says.

Neil rolls his eyes. “And here I thought you liked me.”

“What gave you that impression?”

“The last few minutes for starters,” he says, then pulls him in for one more kiss before standing.

Neil grabs the bucket and begins collecting the extra balls scattered around the court. Andrew halfheartedly kicks the ones closest to him towards Neil, but other than that he doesn’t make much effort to help.

Kevin’s already asleep on one of the benches and he doesn’t even flinch when Neil slams the door to his locker shut. “Even you would have woken up to that on the meds,” Neil says.

“Do you think he’s dead?”

Neil squints at him. “Only one way to find out,” he says, grabs him by the shoulders and starts shaking.

“Fuck off,” Kevin mutters.

“It’s your fault we’re out here this late,” Neil reminds him. “We’re leaving now.”

Neil drives them back to the dorms and Kevin mumbles a goodnight to them before retreating to the bedroom. Neil can feel his eyes growing heavier and heavier with each passing minute and he settles on the couch next to Andrew.

Neil’s nearly asleep when his phone buzzes. He almost doesn’t check it, but it vibrates a second time, then a third. He flips the phone open, expecting Nicky and finding an unknown number instead.

“What is it?” Andrew asks from somewhere to his left. It’s distant though, like Neil’s underwater while he deletes the messages. “Neil?” Andrew tolerates his silence for only a moment before grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him back to the present.

“Abram.”

“Yes or no?”

Andrew levels him a flat look. “During what’s clearly a mental breakdown? No.”

Neil shrugs helplessly, knows he’s right and wants the distraction anyway.

Andrew leans back, tension making his shoulders tight, but he keeps his hand on his neck. “I won’t be like them.”

“You’re not,” Neil says immediately, shoves his hands beneath his thighs to hide their shaking. “You aren’t going to ask?”

“If you want to tell me, you will,” he says, like it’s that simple. And maybe it is. He doesn’t spend time dwelling on it as the minutes tick past, and instead his thoughts turn to Andrew as they so often do. He’s still too far away from him on the couch, wide awake despite the late hour. The pills had forced him to have a somewhat consistent sleep schedule, but now that he’s back it seems like Andrew is doing his best to eradicate it completely. Andrew can only take so much concern before pulling away, so Neil makes a note to bring it up another night.

The next week is finals week and though neither of them really need to study for most of their classes as long as they attend lectures, they still have to get through the assigned chapters from their English class. They’d both somehow gotten away with not reading about half of the book their final exam is based off of, so Neil’s been spending his nights listen to Andrew read aloud on the couch until he falls asleep. He’s not sure if Andrew manages to get any rest, but he guesses that he hasn’t from how exhausted he looks by the end of the week. 

They finish the book the night before the final, their last one of the semester, and Andrew goes up to the roof to smoke as soon as he finishes the last page. Neil finds him there a few minutes later, slouched at the edge as usual, cigarette burning away between his fingers.

“You’re going to fall off the roof if you keep that up,” Neil tells him, and sits down at his side. Andrew shrugs, nonplussed, and goes back to kicking his legs against the wall. His clear exhaustion is a stark contrast to his restless energy, and though his expression is blank Neil’s still strangely reminded of the meds.

“Staring,” Andrew murmurs, not looking up from the ground below. Neil looks down with him instead, and watches as his discarded cigarette plummets to the ground.

“Did you go to the hospital often when you were in foster care?” Neil asks. “You asked a nurse to stall your social worker from coming in.”

Andrew frowns. “I don’t remember that.”

“You were pretty out of it,” Neil says. “One of the nurses fucked up how much painkillers to give you.”

Andrew hums noncommittally. “Maybe we should sue.”

“Maybe,” Neil echoes, accepts that he won’t be getting an answer and stands up instead. “I’m going to need coffee if we’re staying up all night,” he tells him. 

Andrew blinks. “Why are you staying up?”

“Because you are,” Neil replies. He’d thought it was obvious, but Andrew just shakes his head.

“Go to bed. You’re not seriously going to fail your final because I can’t sleep,” he says, already starting for the door. 

As Neil sits on the couch he convinces himself that he’ll only close his eyes for a few minutes, but when he opens them again the sun is already up. He still has about an hour until he needs to be at the lecture hall, so he makes his way to the kitchen for breakfast. Andrew’s sitting cross legged on the counter, a mug of what looks like long-cooled hot chocolate grasped loosely between his fingers as he leans against the fridge.

“Andrew,” Neil says, and he’s awake in an instant. He doesn’t lash out at the sound of his voice, and the mug remains intact as he sets it down to his right.

“Want breakfast?” Andrew shrugs disinterestedly so Neil grabs some fruit and eggs from the fridge. Andrew considers them for a long moment before opening the freezer and retrieving a pint of ice cream.

“Don’t let Kevin see,” Neil grins, and hands him a spoon.

“Kevin’s test isn’t until three, he won’t be awake for hours.”

Ice cream for breakfast is better than nothing but Neil still feels obligated to at least ask Andrew if he’d like anything else, especially with a game coming up tonight. It’s at home so they don’t have to worry about travel, but it’ll be Andrew’s first one since he’s been back.

He just shrugs again at the question so Neil lets it go. His own breakfast doesn’t take long to make, and he tries to think less about Exy and more about the exam that they have soon. He’s more interested in Andrew than either, so he rinses off his plate and watches him instead. Andrew tolerates it for a few minutes before placing the barely-touched ice cream back into the freezer and disappearing into the bedroom to get ready for the day. 

Their final is completely multiple choice questions, which is odd for an English class, but Neil won’t be complaining about it any time soon. Andrew is the first to finish, and the proctor shakes her head slightly as he hands her his test and walks out within the first fifteen minutes of the exam period. Neil turns in his test not too long after. He doesn’t really care about his grade as long as he knows he passed, and he definitely got enough right not to worry about it. 

He walks out of the lecture hall and powers his phone on again to see where Andrew is. Turns out it isn’t necessary, and his screen is still black as a crumpled up piece of loose leaf paper hits him in the cheek. Andrew snags it out of the air as he lobs it back at him and stands from the bench he’d claimed.

“Putting those starting goalie skills to work,” Neil says with a grin, and nudges his shoulder with his own. One of the students outside the hall peers at Andrew. When he ignores her altogether she frowns and walks closer.

“Hey, Aaron, are you ready for the bio exam?”

Andrew pushes his sleeves up to his elbows to reveal his armbands, and casts her an unimpressed look.

Her eyes widen and she takes a conspicuous step back. “Sorry, you didn’t look-“

“Drugged?” Andrew supplies as he crosses his arms, unimpressed.

“Scary,” she corrects, then flushes. “Sorry.”

Andrew waves her off and starts back towards the dorms.

Neil laughs and nudges him again. “She thought you were Aaron.”

“An experience I hope never to live through again.”

The dorm is empty by the time they make it back and Andrew immediately throws himself face-first onto the couch.

“Are you finally going to sleep?” Neil asks and moves to the chair. Andrew flips him off, then opens one eye and uses the same hand to reach out towards him. Neil obliges and Andrew curls up on his side so there’s enough room for him on the couch as well.

“You can leave whenever,” he mumbles and doesn’t give Neil time to reply before he’s asleep. Neil would rather listen to Wymack threaten him with a marathon for the rest of the day than be the reason Andrew wakes up, so he stays there and watches the door. After a while Neil finds himself dozing off as well, warm and safe with Andrew at his side.


	35. Black Butterflies and Déjà Vu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize that there’s been a lot of hurt and not a whole lot of comfort recently so have some Fox shenanigans and fluff as a peace offering

The quiet in Fox Tower doesn’t last long. Nicky bursts in carrying several small boxes stacked up on top of each other with Matt close behind. Andrew makes a displeased noise, the side of his face still smushed against the couch, and uncurls his fingers from Neil’s shirt.

“Oh good, you finally took a nap,” Nicky says as he puts the boxes on the counter.

“Stop paying attention to me,” Andrew mutters and props his elbows on the back of the couch to look over at his cousin.

Nicky tosses him a box and grabs the rest from Matt. “It’s kind of my job, kiddo.” Neil peers over Andrew’s shoulder to see a gingerbread house on the front.

“Shit!” Nicky exclaims, and turns to Matt. “You said you’d remind me to get cookies,” he accuses. Matt holds up his hands in apologetic surrender.

Neil looks back at the box. “You don’t have enough of these?”

“We’re not eating those,” Nicky tells him with a shudder that seems overdramatic for the situation at hand. Box discarded, Andrew’s already standing up and grabbing his keys, though, so Neil follows him to the door.

“Are you driving or am I?” Neil asks, flipping the lock.

“I am.” He turns back to Nicky. “Text me what you want,” he says, and then they’re walking to the elevators. The drive to the store is short and Andrew skims the list Nicky sent him before grabbing a basket and heading over to the refrigerated section. He stacks at least five kinds of cookie dough into their basket before moving on to the register. The cashier raises her eyebrows at Andrew when he points to a pack of cigarettes as well.

“ID,” she says, skepticism bleeding into her tone as she scans package after package of cookie dough. Andrew flicks her an unimpressed stare and hands her his license.

“Minyard,” she says consideringly. “Where do I know that from?”

“We play at Palmetto state,” Neil tells her.

“Really? That’s so cool, what sport?” she asks while Andrew pays.

“Basketball,” he deadpans, and gives her a mocking salute when she hands Neil the bag.

“You’re such a dick,” Neil says, but he laughs all the same. “Did you see her face?” 

Andrew drives them back to the dorms and takes the bag from Neil to bring to Nicky. Matt’s on the couch watching an old game so Neil sits next to him to hopefully get caught up. Once Andrew is in the kitchen and apparently out of earshot, Matt turns to face him. 

“How come Andrew’s driving your car?” 

They’ve been at Palmetto State since June but Neil can’t think of a time that Matt would have seen Andrew drive barring the crash. “He’s off the meds now so there’s no reason for him not to drive anymore.” When Matt still looks confused he adds “it’s his car too.”

He frowns. “Why are you sharing a car?”

“Because we bought it together in California,” he says slowly.

Matt’s frown deepens. “I knew you guys played on the same team in Columbia, I didn’t know you knew each other before that.”

“Dan didn’t tell you? We lived together for over a year. She and Allison and Wymack came to the house with the contracts, I assumed you would’ve known.”

“This is so weird,” Matt mutters.

“Not really,” Andrew says from the doorway, and walks over to the couch with a square of cookie dough in hand. He sits next to Neil, tucking his feet under his thighs, and even through the socks Neil can feel how cold he is.

“You need thicker socks,” he tells him. “Your feet are fucking freezing.”

“I’m aware. Ancient problems require ancient solutions,” he says, then wiggles his toes for good measure.

Neil wrinkles his nose as Andrew takes a bite of the raw cookie dough. “That’s so gross,” he complains, and shakes his head in amusement when Andrew offers him a piece anyway.

“Um,” Matt says from his place on the couch. Neil pretends like he hadn’t forgotten he was there and looks his way. He can practically see the gears turning in his head and nearly a minute passes before he speaks. “Are you together?”

Andrew’s still eating his gateway to salmonella but he raises his eyebrows at Matt and his lips twitch upwards at the corners.

“Problem, Boyd?”

“Only that I’m going to lose a shit ton of money,” he says with a bemused expression, and only waits a moment before he pulls out his phone.

Allison is there less than a minute later, followed by Kevin, who immediately launches into his patented ‘it’d be easier if you were straight’ speech. 

Neil had the pleasure of hearing it often during the few night practices they’d had when he’d catch himself staring at the empty goal. Kevin had soon after declared that night practices were cancelled until Andrew came back, since Neil was apparently too distracted to practice without him. 

This is the first time Andrew has to listen to the lecture though, and by his expression Neil guesses it’ll be the last. He obliges Kevin for all of ten seconds before he turns to look at Neil instead.

“Want to piss Kevin off?”

“Always,” he replies immediately. 

“Hey, Kevin,” Andrew interrupts. Once he’s sure he’s looking, Andrew sticks his middle finger up and pulls Neil into a kiss. 

“I knew it!” Allison crows with glee and says “pay up, bitches!”

Matt stares at her, then to his phone, then right back at them where Neil’s trying his best not to look too smug. Andrew pokes at his cheek after a minute and he knows he’s not succeeding.

“I literally just texted you,” Matt tells Allison, waving his phone at her.

“I needed proof,” she says loftily, and holds out her hand expectantly. She looks at Nicky next. “How did  _ you _ not know?”

Neil would rather antagonize Nicky than watch his teammates hand Allison an extravagant amount of money, so he says “yeah, Nicky, how  _ did _ you not know?”

“You acted the exact same way when you told me you weren’t together, so don’t give me that shit,” he grumbles, jabbing his finger at Neil.

He brightens a second later and grins conspiratorially at Andrew. “You know what this means,” he says, tone serious despite his smile. When he doesn’t reply, Nicky walks over to the couch and says “we’re both the gay cousin.” Andrew gives him a blank-faced high five as Kevin groans and walks away. 

“We’re here to make gingerbread houses, not to gloat,” Renee says from the front door, ever the mediator. It doesn’t stop her from stuffing the money Allison offers her into the pocket of her overalls though, and she smiles at the two of them before walking to the kitchen. A moment later Christmas music floats into the living room, soft and joyful.

The rest of the Foxes file in, most of them handing cash to Allison before they grab a box, and Neil snags the last one before heading to the bedroom. The dressers are the only unoccupied flat surface in the dorms, so Neil climbs onto the one closest to the window and sets the box down between he and Andrew.

“This can’t be that hard,” he says, and Andrew wordlessly hands him a knife to cut open the packaging.

It _ can _ be that hard, and it is. Their house caves in on itself no less than eight times before Andrew gives up and lights a cigarette. 

It doesn’t take long for Nicky to notice the smoke, and he and Kevin walk inside the bedroom to complain at him before pausing to stare at the haphazard pile of gingerbread.

“There was an earthquake,” Andrew says solemnly, and stubs his cigarette out on one of the walls at Nicky’s pointed scowl. “And a fire.”

“You’re two of the most talented Exy players I’ve seen, and you can’t put together a gingerbread house?”

Andrew ignores Kevin’s backhanded compliment but Neil scowls at him. “We practice Exy every day, we’ve never made one of these before,” he says sourly.

Nicky looks between the two of them, expression far too close to pity for either of their tastes. “It’s a gingerbread house, Nicky, try not to read into it too much,” Andrew tells him.

Nicky shakes his head and grabs the scorched wall before adding icing to the bottom and sticking it to the tray. Once it’s stable he adds more icing to the side and holds it against another one. He hands the icing to Neil and stays at the edge of the dresser until the house can stand upright on its own.

“That wasn’t so bad,” he says, and follows Kevin back to the kitchen. Andrew hands him a tube of orange icing and takes the white for himself. He covers the roof in an ungodly amount of it, and then proceeds to tear open a bag of candies.

“Orange?” he asks, and rolls his eyes when Neil nods.

“You asked,” he says, and goes back to decorating a gingerbread Andrew.

Andrew glances over and flicks one of the candies at him. “Really?” Neil sticks his tongue out and holds the cookie up near Andrew’s face to examine the likeness.

“I think it’s accurate,” he defends. “You’re making the same expression and everything.”

Andrew leans back to look the gingerbread man. Neil grins as he takes in the straight line he’d drawn overtop the smile carved into the cookie.

“You’re not funny,” Andrew tells him, and swipes a finger through the thick layer of icing on the roof.

“Our house,” Neil complains, then grins when he gets icing on the corner of his mouth.

He glances at the hallway to make sure it’s empty before turning back to Andrew.

“Yes or no?”

“Yes,” Andrew says, then startles when he kisses the icing off. Neil doesn’t quite mind the sugary sweetness of it when it’s on Andrew’s lips, more than content to kiss his mouth numb. Andrew’s hands trace a steady path from his shoulders to his waist, and he only breaks away at the loud crash of the gingerbread house falling to the floor.

Andrew eyes the icing on the carpet in distaste and removes his hands from Neil. He’s just untangled his own from Andrew’s hair when Nicky bursts in.

“What was it this time?” he asks, glancing between the two of them in disbelief.

“Landslide,” Neil tells him. “They never should have been cleared to build a house on such unstable ground.”

Nicky sighs. “Cookies are ready,” he says, and closes the door behind him.

Neil takes advantage of the empty room and kisses Andrew some more until Kevin walks in next.

“For fuck’s sake,” Andrew complains and pulls away. “What, Kevin?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t even remember anymore.”

“Fantastic.” Andrew climbs down off of the dresser and steps over the ruined gingerbread house. Neil follows him into the kitchen and stays there for all of three seconds before heading back to the couch.

“Where’s your house?” Matt asks.

“It died, much like Andrew’s interest in the topic,” Nicky supplies, and grins at his cousin’s bored expression.

“It’s true,” Andrew confirms, and points a cookie towards Allison. “Why are you still here?”

Allison shrugs from her place at the kitchen table. Her gingerbread house is slightly crooked, but the designs she’d done in icing are immaculate. She finishes piping a rainbow on top of the roof and grins. “Where else are we going to go?”

Andrew tosses the cookie at her and she smacks it out of the air with a dark scowl before it can hit her house. Renee walks over to Allison’s chair to examine it. “It’s nice,” she says. “I like the rainbow.”

Neil looks back over to Andrew just in time to catch his eye roll. Nicky did too by the way that he snorts, and then tries to cover it up as a cough in vain.

“You’re not getting a Christmas present,” Allison promises Nicky. “I’m returning it today.”

Nicky scoffs. “If it’s anything like the twins’ birthday presents, I don’t give a shit.”

“It was actually a plane ticket,” she says haughtily. “To Germany.”

He holds his hands up placatingly. “I take it back!”

“You can make it up to me by buying lunch,” she says.

“You are literally rich,” he complains, but follows her out of the room regardless.

“Bye,” Andrew says to the rest of the Foxes, and gestures pointedly to the door.

Dan rolls her eyes. “See you at the game,” she tells them, and herds the others outside.

“Allison‘s going to make the first move,” Andrew says once they’re gone, still perched on the counter next to the stove.

“I’ll take that bet,” Neil says. Andrew might know Renee better than he does, but he’s had no choice but to spend time with Allison the past month while Andrew still avoids her any time he can. “It’s in Renee’s court now, Allison won’t ask if she’s not positive that she’ll get what she wants.” 

Andrew holds out his hand to shake and Neil grabs it to pull him down off the counter. 

“What are you doing?” Andrew asks, amusement bleeding into his tone.

“I want to dance with you.”

“To Christmas music?”

“To Christmas music,” Neil confirms. 

It’s been nearly a year since the last time they’ve done this but they settle into that same swaying hug sort of dance like it’s second nature. Neil rests his cheek against Andrew’s shoulder and impossibly wishes that they didn’t have a game tonight. He wants to keep Andrew’s good mood to himself, doesn’t want it to be squandered by playing a game he doesn’t even like, despite the fact that they’d lost the last two without him.

“Yes or no?” Andrew asks.

“It’s always a yes with you,” he says and Andrew gives him a small smile as he no doubt recalls the memory of Neil saying the same thing that night. He doesn’t argue this time, just brushes his lips to his forehead. 

That all encompassing feeling of contentment that comes with moments like these returns and Neil basks in it for as long as he can. “Do that again,” he says, and Andrew obliges.

“I wish we didn’t have a game,” Neil admits, and Andrew raises his eyebrows in mock surprise.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Neil says, mostly because he doesn’t often get the chance to throw Andrew’s words back at him.

“I never thought I’d see the day where you didn’t want to play Exy.”

Neil shrugs. “I want to stay here and dance with you and maybe kiss some more and not have to worry about anything.”

“Plenty of time for that,” Andrew says, so they sway some more and kiss some more and listen to the same songs sung in different ways some more, and Neil would stay here forever if he could.

“We should eat,” he says eventually, after his stomach growls loudly enough that he’s sure Andrew can hear it.

“To be continued,” Andrew says, and Neil smiles against his mouth for one more kiss before pulling away.

He checks his phone, ignores the new message in his inbox, and looks at the time instead. It’s a little over an hour before they’re supposed to be at the stadium so he cleans up their destroyed gingerbread house the best he can and tries not to feel cheated out of spending time with Andrew.

They head over to the dining hall reserved for athletes and eat quickly before walking back to the Jeep. They’re the first Foxes to arrive at the stadium, though the parking lot is already rapidly filling with cars. Neil types in the code and makes his way to the locker room with Andrew for the last game before banquet.


	36. Outright

Neil changes out in the main area of the locker room since only Andrew is there to see his scars, then checks the strings on his racquet while he waits. Matt walks in next, followed by the rest of their group. He takes in Andrew’s bored posture and Neil’s anxiousness as he walks to his locker.

“You could stand to balance each other out,” Matt says.

“The day I care about Exy is the day I die,” Andrew deadpans.

“I think the day I  don’t care about Exy is the day I die.” It’s not really funny but Andrew laughs all the same. Neil stops altogether and stares, it feels too important not to. His eyes are squinty and Neil can see his dimples and he wants to kiss him  _ so _ bad right now. Andrew tosses a sock at his face and it hits him right in the cheek.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he says, and scowls over at Matt when he snorts.

“No one let Andrew laugh during the game,” he says with a smirk. “Neil’s going to get bulldozed out there if he does.” Neil scoops up the balled up sock and throws it at Matt. Andrew must’ve had the same idea because he gets hit twice and crashes backwards into the lockers dramatically. “Alright, I get it, you monsters.” He throws Andrew’s socks back at him and rolls his eyes when he catches them.

Once the rest of the team is dressed and making their way to the foyer Andrew catches his sleeve. “I seem to recall you not wanting to play earlier,” he says. “Should I be writing a eulogy?”

“I’ll always care about you more than Exy. It’s when I don’t care at all that you can write that eulogy.”

“Noted,” Andrew says, then frowns. “You must have seen me laugh a hundred times on the meds.” It’s not a question, but his expression is just on this side of confused. Neil smooths out the line between his eyebrows with his thumb without thinking.

“It’s different,” he says, tries to find a way to explain it. “That was real.” He traces a path from the freckles dotting his nose to his cheekbone, then down to his lips. “You don’t smile the same either, this one’s a thousand times better. I’m open to making a venn diagram to prove it.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Andrew says, but he inches closer and Neil kisses him then and there. They’ll probably have to run extra laps next practice for making the team wait, but Neil’s good at running and Andrew doesn’t listen to Coach half the time anyway. They break apart at the sound of the door opening, and Andrew flicks a bored glance at his cousin as he lets go of the collar of Neil’s shirt.

“As happy as I am that you’ve been together for,” Nicky starts, then snaps his fingers and points to Neil for an answer.

He stares at Nicky unapologetically. “Eleven months.”

Nicky whistles lowly. “God, we’re oblivious. As happy as I am that you’ve been together for _eleven months,_ Coach would prefer that you ‘do that’ on your own time. His words, not mine.” He grins. “I know, so rude.”

“What’s it going to take for you to stop talking?” Andrew asks as he follows him into the foyer.

“You could have a successful first game back,” Nicky offers.

“You know we get to keep the scholarships even if we do poorly,” Andrew says, and Wymack sighs from his place near the couches.

“That is exactly the wrong attitude to have,” he grumbles, and quickly goes through the athletes playing in the first half. He reminds them three separate times that they need to win this game in order to advance further in the season, and by the time he’s finished Neil is starting to feel his nerves return.

“Let’s fuck shit up out there,” Nicky says, and high fives Matt, undeterred by the glare Wymack directs at him. “I said what I said.”

“Words to live by,” Dan says dryly, and the Foxes follow her out onto the court. The stadium is abuzz with fans mostly in Fox colors for the home game, but there are a fair amount of blue jerseys on the away side from fans that traveled to Palmetto to show their support.

“Pick a number,” Andrew tells Wymack. The coach has caught on since last time, and immediately replies with “one.”

“Should we allow it?” Andrew asks, and rolls his eyes at Kevin’s immediate nod. Dan wins the coin toss for them and chooses the home side, so Neil takes his place at the first-fourth line from the sidelines since he won’t be in until after halftime.

The game starts off quickly, with the away team gaining possession immediately. The Bearcats’ striker weaves around Nicky and shoots at the goal, and Andrew lazily bats it out of the way. Just like that the Foxes have control of the ball and Aaron clears it up to Dan so she can pass to Seth. He works well with Juan, there’s a reason they’re the starting strikers, and with his help the Foxes score the first point of the game.

The Bearcats come back with a vengeance, and one of the strikers aims the ball at Andrew’s face. He catches it with his right hand and stares her down. She’s undeterred, and runs to intercept the ball from Aaron when Andrew tosses it his way again. She doesn’t get the chance, and Aaron lobs it back to Andrew so he can slam it all the way up court. He does, and Juan scores the second point of the night within the first five minutes of the game.

Andrew lets the next goal through without raising his racquet, and the same striker that took the earlier shot throws her hands up in exasperation. She shouts something angrily at him and he waves a hand at her dismissively. They’re only fifteen minutes into the game at this point, but Andrew keeps his word and the Bearcats stop scoring after their single point.

Andrew won’t be the only goalie playing tonight, and though Reggie’s abilities are far lower than Andrew’s and Renee’s, Wymack has been alternating the games that the two play. It’s his turn tonight, but with Dwayne and Matt as his backliners he might actually stand a chance at keeping the score low.

The minutes tick by slowly until halftime, but the game is exciting enough that Neil doesn’t find himself glancing at the clock nearly as often as usual. The Bearcats are a good team, they couldn’t have made it this far in the season if they weren’t, but Andrew is better. He’s a phenomenal goalie without the drugs or withdrawal holding him back, and his determination to not break his promise to Wymack comes through even when his interest won’t. 

He blocks shot after shot on the goal, sending them up to Seth and Juan randomly, bringing the score higher and higher for the Foxes. The cheering from the stands quiets to a dull roar and Neil nearly misses the buzzer for halftime, enthralled by the game in front of him. Renee is right there with him, with the most genuine smile he’s seen from her to date. When Andrew reaches the door he takes one look at their faces and shakes his head.

“You’re insufferable,” he tells them, then turns to Kevin and sighs as he yanks off his helmet. “You are too. It’s just a game,” he says, but his lips twitch upwards in the corners and Neil knows he’s pleased. 

Andrew hooks his fingers into the bottom of his helmet and leads them to the locker room without another word. His hair is curling at the ends again and Neil would absolutely be running his hands through it right about now if he didn’t have to listen to the halftime rundown. He’s grown accustomed to being used as a pillow during Wymack’s speeches and it’s somewhat strange to have Andrew awake and alert during the break, even if he doesn’t contribute to the conversation.

“We’ve got a strong lead thanks to our starters, but that doesn’t mean you can slack off now,” Wymack says. “The Bearcats are going to have fresh players for each position barring their goalkeeper and they’re going to fight hard.” He goes through the line-up, and the description of Neil’s backliner mark silences most of the team.

“How tall is he again?” Nicky asks after Wymack finishes.

“Six-five,” Andrew tells him and drops his helmet to the floor with a loud thud.

“You’re faster than he is,” Kevin says. “Focus on what we practiced and don’t keep the ball for too long. Pass to Dwayne, rebound off the wall, just don’t hold it for enough time to get checked.”

Neil nods, still excited to play despite his teammates’ clearly waning confidence. “I’ll be fine,” he says, and Nicky groans.

“You need a new word.”

Neil rolls his eyes. “I’m not going to die if I get checked,” he tells them. “Anything else?” he directs to Wymack, standing after the coach shakes his head.

“Time to kick some Bearcat ass,” Nicky says, and grins at Wymack’s same stony expression.

“Hey, you’ll actually get to watch the second half,” Matt tells Andrew.

“I’m jumping for joy as we speak,” he says, but he walks out of the locker room towards the bench regardless. “Want a knife?” he asks Neil before he can step onto the court, and he shakes his head in amusement.

“I’ll pass this time.”

Wymack gestures for Neil to enter the court, and when he turns back he can see Andrew getting lectured for his question. One of the referees pounds on the wall so Neil makes a beeline for the court’s center.

His backliner does his best to take him out of the game any time it’s legal to check, but Neil’s expecting it and dodges him the entire time Reggie is in goal. By the time Wymack finally relents and swaps him out with Renee he’d let in five goals, not enough to be worrying, but enough that the Bearcats are starting to rally.

“Is your goalkeeper sick?” Neil asks his mark as soon as he gets the chance. “You’re doing even worse that usual.”

“That’s rich coming from a Fox.”

Neil shrugs and gestures to the scoreboard. “We seem to be doing alright for ourselves,” he says, stepping out of the way when he lunges at him. He takes advantage of his distraction to snag the ball from where the goalie had been trying to pass to him, and immediately passes to Dwayne. He secures another goal for them and nods at Neil on the way back to their starting positions.

Neil scores another point for the Foxes but Renee isn’t quite fast enough to block the next two shots the Bearcats take. After the second one Wymack calls for a timeout and puts Andrew in goal again. He clacks sticks with Renee as she leaves the goal and points his racquet at Neil when he notices the attention. 

Dwayne comes over to him right before they start again. “I’m off the hook if Andrew’s in goal, right?”

Probably. “Is it that difficult to play the game that’s paying for your degree?” he asks instead and Dwayne walks away without answering. He’s not gone for long, though, and slams into Neil’s mark hard enough to send him to the ground the next time Neil has the ball. He immediately receives a red card but he strides off the court triumphantly as the backliner is checked over and high fives Seth on his way up to half court.

Apparently spurred by the violence Dwayne displayed, one of the Bearcat strikers gets too rough with Damien. None of the Foxes are willing to get trampled on, and Damien starts a fight within the next minute. Wymack substitutes Nicky in Damien’s stead at the yellow card that he receives and gestures emphatically at him before sending him on the court.

Nicky clearly doesn’t want to get into the same predicament with the striker and for once Andrew’s finally at his best during the last quarter of a game. Nicky takes advantage of this and doesn’t try to check his striker when he dodges him, just lets him shoot on goal and get blocked. Andrew sends the ball up to Neil and he takes a shot on his tenth step. The goal lights up red and he moves back to half court to start up again, adrenaline coursing through his veins.

When he looks back again Andrew’s not even in the goal and is instead standing up near Nicky. He moves back once the Bearcats gain possession again and Neil’s half-sure Nicky’s going to check the striker, but he just steps aside again like the game isn’t worth his effort. Andrew sends the ball far past both Neil and Seth, nearly over to the other goal itself. Neil’s almost made it to the ball when a buzzer sounds to signal the pausing of the game.

It doesn’t take a genius to find out what happened. Nicky rubs at his shoulder where he’d most likely been checked too hard and Andrew stands beside him, still wielding his heavy goalie’s racquet. The striker is on the ground like he’d gotten his legs swept out from under him but it doesn’t take long for him to stand and get right back in Andrew’s face. The Foxes closest to him gather around, ready to fight if the striker makes a move towards either of them.

Neil’s already on his way over there as well but the referees get there first and step between them to hand out a red card to the striker. Andrew somehow avoids being carded, a testament to the illegality of the check, but he can’t escape the blistering warning one of the refs gives him.

Wymack subs Nicky out for Aaron and Andrew shoots Neil a bored look before motioning to half court where he should be. A referee pounds his fist against the court wall and Neil heads back up court so the game can be resumed. 

Now that the striker is benched the Bearcats are forced to sub in their starting striker again and Neil wonders if Andrew was really bored enough to get Nicky to goad the other girl into getting carded. He certainly has more shots taken on him in goal now, and each one gets neatly blocked. 

Neil runs more in the last quarter of the game than he remembers doing in any other, and subsequently scores more points than he ever has as Andrew sends shot after shot up to him. The rest of the game goes by in a blur and by the time the final buzzer sounds Neil can barely feel his legs anymore.

He makes his way over to Andrew anyway and meets him at the middle just outside the court door. Neil’s about to head to the locker room when Wymack motions to the cameras.

“You two are on press duty today,” he says, then levels a stare at Andrew. “Yes, it’s because of the knife question,” he adds before either of them can ask. “I don’t want to hear a repeat of any of that shit that you did at Kathy’s either.”

“Yes, Coach,” Neil says, taking his helmet off as he and Andrew switch directions towards the press instead. He sets his helmet down next to Andrew’s on the ground in front of them and looks to the closest interviewer.

“You both played an extraordinary game tonight. Imagine what the score would’ve been if you had been in goal for longer,” he directs to Andrew.

Neil flicks an amused glance towards Andrew. “Imagine if he cared,” he tells the reporter. 

“Was that not caring? You only let one goal through.” 

Andrew shrugs so the reporter turns to Neil instead. “You scored nearly a record-breaking amount of points for a Class I team,” he says, and looks Seth’s way as he comes over. “Perhaps your coach will promote you to starting striker.”

“If I was sent every single rebound I’d make some shots too,” Seth cuts in, and Andrew gives him a bored glance before turning back to the reporter.

“Are we done?” he asks, and the other man laughs. 

“What a change in demeanor since the last time you were televised!”

“That doesn’t have anything to do with the game,” Neil says, barely refraining from outright glaring at him.

“No, but it is worth noting, is it not?” 

“Of course not! Anyone with eyes can see that he’s better without the meds. If you-” 

“We’re leaving,” Andrew says, effectively cutting him off. He stares at Neil until he rolls his eyes and starts towards the stadium, not before directing one last scowl at the reporter. He looks back just in time to watch Andrew flip off the camera and leave Seth alone to deal with the interviewer instead. 

“We shouldn’t have to do press duty for a while,” Andrew says as soon as he catches up, a hemet in each hand. Neil takes one of them from him and heads to the locker room. 

Wymack eyes them suspiciously once the doors slam shut behind them. “That was fast,” he says.

Andrew adopts an innocent expression that immediately causes the coach to scowl. “Are you going to tell me what you did or am I going to have to watch it later?”

“Second one,” Andrew decides, then turns to the rest of his group. “Eden’s tonight so Neil and I don’t have to get yelled at,” he says and Matt snickers.

“Deal,” he says, and Wymack pinches the bridge of his nose. 

“If you didn’t just kick some Bearcat ass I’d be arguing,” Wymack relents, and Nicky cheers, though it’s hard to tell if it’s due to his word choice or the promise of getting blackout drunk. He faces the rest of the team and crosses his arms. “Stop. Getting. Carded. We can’t afford to lose any players. That being said, good work tonight. I’ll see you all a week from tomorrow to drive to banquet.”

Wymack turns to Andrew before he has a chance to leave. “You seem to think the parking lot at that club is your own personal sparring ring,” he says. “Try to avoid that tonight.”

“Sure,” Andrew says easily. “Bye, Coach.”


	37. Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What’s up y’all if I don’t post this at 2 am I probably won’t ever so here it is

Andrew digs through a drawer of clothes after Neil is apparently unsuccessful in choosing a suitable outfit for himself. He pulls out a shirt he’d bought that Neil has yet to wear and tosses it his way. 

“I like this one,” Neil says. He’d forgotten about it after the last time they’d went to Eden’s, didn’t think he’d be needing it anymore.

“Wear it sometime, then,” Andrew says, though there’s no real heat in his voice. He throws a pair of black jeans at him too and grabs a pair of boots identical to his own from the closet before stepping away.

“Aw, we’re matching.”

“Don’t think I won’t stab you,” Andrew warns him.

“And ruin my shirt?” Andrew pushes his face away with two fingers and ducks under the bed to grab a bottle of whiskey before leaving Neil alone to get dressed.

Two drinks have already been poured and sit at the kitchen table by the time Neil rejoins Andrew. “Renee’s driving,” he says, so Neil accepts the glass and taps it against Andrew’s before taking a drink. 

They each get through one by the time anyone else is ready to leave, and the alcohol doesn’t burn nearly as much the second time around. Kevin comes out next, snags Andrew’s half empty glass and tops it off, then immediately drains it.

“You can’t be homophobic and steal my whiskey.”

“I’m not homophobic,” Kevin says, and Andrew looks him in the eye as he starts to recite the speech he gave earlier.

“I said easier, not better,” Kevin argues.

“Don’t say it at all next time,” Neil suggests, then slides his glass over to Andrew when Kevin doesn’t give him back his own. When the others emerge from the bedroom Andrew caps up the bottle and grabs his keys. They head down to the parking lot and Neil stops alongside Andrew at the extra company. 

“I don’t recall inviting three of you.” Dan and Allison look wholeheartedly unapologetic but another girl Neil hasn’t met before is messing with her bracelet nervously. “Busy making friends?” Andrew asks his brother dryly. Nicky points at him like he’s proved a point, but Aaron just rolls his eyes and steps closer to the other girl.

“I’m Katelyn. I cheer for the Vixens,” she says, then holds her hand out to Andrew. Neil shakes it instead when it’s clear that Andrew won’t and turns to Matt. 

“We’re going to need two cars.”

“I’ll follow you there,” he says and raises his eyebrows at Neil when Nicky follows Aaron and Katelyn to the truck. 

Andrew waves Kevin forward to take the passenger seat and sits next to Neil in the back of the Jeep. He suddenly wonders if Andrew had drank with him before they left so neither of them would be forced to make the drive that he’s been avoiding thinking of. Andrew catches his eye and holds out his hand wordlessly between them. 

Renee holds a steady conversation with Kevin about his plans for next season and draws both of them into it without much argument, though once they get closer to Columbia Neil’s replies get shorter and shorter. They pass the side road and Neil drags his eyes away from it and back onto Andrew. His uneasiness doesn’t show on his face but he squeezes Neil’s hand and stares blankly at the seat in front of him until they’re far past it.

The car is too quiet after that. Renee picks up on it almost immediately, turns on some soft music and continues her conversation with Kevin just as quietly. She doesn’t try to engage either of them for the rest of the drive and it’s only once they make it to Sweetie’s that she turns to face the backseat.

“I’ll drive you back at any time,” she promises. Andrew nods shortly and slips out of the car without a word. Matt had gotten there more quickly than they had and Nicky waves them down from a large booth with a reserved placard in the center.

“I called earlier,” he says cheerfully, motioning to the crowded restaurant. “No way we would have gotten a table without it.”

“We already ordered,” Matt adds. “Well, Nicky did.”

Several ice cream sundaes arrive at the table shortly after, along with a telltale pile of napkins that Nicky quickly scatters. He tosses most of the cracker dust to Andrew and only keeps two packets for himself, one of which he hands to Aaron. Aaron hands it right back and Andrew rolls his eyes.

“What is that?” Katelyn asks. Aaron doesn’t answer so Andrew flicks a packet over to her and shrugs at his brother’s betrayed expression.

“Drugs.”

“Are they addictive?” she asks curiously, looks closer at the pale yellow powder like that’ll make a difference.

“Nah,” Nicky says. He looks more amused at the situation than he probably should, though he snatches the packet away from her and tosses it Kevin’s way instead.

Kevin pockets it and raises his eyebrows when Neil stares at him. “You too?”

“You’ve seen how much he drinks,” Andrew mutters from between them. “Hypocrite through and through.  _ Smoking is bad for you, you shouldn’t walk your laps at the end of practice. _ Who gives a shit.” Kevin looks half-offended but Andrew just nudges him and takes a bite of ice cream.

Allison covers her mouth with her hand and unsuccessfully tries to pass a laugh off as a cough.

“That’s not very nice,” Renee says, ignoring Allison and focusing on Andrew.

“I don’t know how it’s eluded you thus far, Renee,” Andrew begins. “But I am not a very nice person.” Allison laughs again and doesn’t bother trying to hide it this time. “Something funny, Reynolds?”

Dan rolls her eyes. “She and Nicky got a head start trying to out-drink each other on the way over.”

“Ice cream’s melting,” Renee says, leaning backwards as Nicky reaches across her to high five Allison.

They eat quickly, not willing to risk the chance at forgoing a parking spot at Eden’s. Allison pays after retrieving her credit card from Nicky and in exchange Andrew tosses her a packet of cracker dust. She just barely catches it and hands it off to Renee for safekeeping after complaining loudly about her outfit’s lack of pockets.

Eden’s is as crowded as ever and as soon as he walks in Neil knows they’ll never be able to find enough seats for ten people. He follows Andrew up to the bar to gather a small army of drinks anyway while the rest of the group stays behind. They end up needing two trays so Neil grabs the second and follows Andrew back out to the Foxes. He has to hold onto it for a moment since the small table Renee snagged won’t fit both trays, but the others catch on quickly and scoop up the drinks so Neil can stack his on top.

By the time he hands Renee and Matt their sodas most of the shots are already gone. Aaron and Katelyn leave the table first, though they’re quickly followed to the dance floor by Dan and Matt once they finish their drinks.

Andrew takes three shots in quick succession and snags one of the glasses from the tray before Allison can make a grab for it.

“You’re not planning on getting drunk on me too, are you?” Neil asks in German, half-serious as he eyes the empty tray. 

“I know my limits,” Andrew replies, takes a sip of his drink anyway. Kevin’s staring at them curiously and Neil belatedly realizes that this is the first time he’s heard either of them speak in German.

“You’ve seen Andrew drunk before?” Nicky asks gleefully, already several more shots along from his drinking with Allison and still too nosy for his own good. 

“Once,” Neil says dismissively, already turning back to Andrew. “You didn’t know them last year,” he argues, not entirely sure why this is bothering him.

“I knew, I just didn’t care. You can have half if you’re that worried about it.” He stares at Nicky and then at Allison in a clear warning when both of them continue to hover nearby.

Renee drains the last of her soda and drags Allison and Nicky over to the dance floor in search of the others. Kevin stays where he’s at, but he seems more concerned with inhaling as many shots as he can than trying to figure out what they’re saying.

Andrew props his head in one hand and studies Neil. “You know I’m not going to do anything,” he says. “Right?”

Neil’s still sore from the game and he feels a little sick to his stomach but he gulps down his drink regardless and wishes that the music would stop pounding against his skull. Andrew eyes him again and turns to Kevin. “Go find Renee,” he says in English this time, then stands once he’s gone.

“What about the table?” Neil asks, but he’s already following Andrew outside. 

A gust of cool air threatens to extinguish the cigarette Andrew lights, and he cups his hand around it before taking a long drag. He grabs the hand closest to him and links his pinkie with Neil’s before passing the cigarette his way.

“I’m not going to do anything,” Andrew repeats evenly. “I promise.”

“I still don’t know what happened,” Neil says, and the anxiousness that accompanies his sentence makes him think maybe he’s not as unaffected by the crash as he thought. He figured he would have been over it by now since Andrew’s been home, but being in Columbia again brings the fear that he’s been trying so hard to push down right back up to the surface. “Nicky thinks you were trying to kill yourself.” He’s not sure what he believes, just knows he has to hear it from Andrew.

“I got distracted,” Andrew says, tone flat in the way that it always is when he tries to pretend something isn’t bothering him. “My phone kept buzzing so I checked it and when I looked up again I was half a second from crashing into a truck. I pulled the wheel and hit the tree instead. It wasn’t on purpose.”

“You shouldn’t have been driving in the first place.” Neil feels like a broken record but he’s sick of pretending like nothing happened and he doesn’t know how else to deal with this.

Andrew shrugs halfheartedly. “People do stupid things when they’re high.”

“ _You_ weren’t supposed to. You’re the only constant in my life,” Neil argues. “You could have died,” he says, and all the fight goes out of him as he finally voices the words that have been haunting him for weeks.

“Death hadn’t crossed my mind until it was staring me in the face,” Andrew tells him, still toneless and blank-faced.

Neil thinks of him, scared and alone in that mangled car and wondering if he’s going to make it out alive. Something must show in his expression because Andrew takes the cigarette back and scowls. “I thought it was funny.”

Neil sighs, drawn out and empty and wishes not for the first time tonight that they hadn’t come to Eden’s. Thinking of the crash reminds Neil of how little time he has left, and all he knows is that he doesn’t want to waste it fighting with Andrew.

They’re shoulder to shoulder, a bolt of heated contact against the chilly air, but it’s not enough. Neil presses closer and Andrew tosses the cigarette to the ground. He takes one of Neil’s hands and places it on his chest, stays carefully still for a moment before relaxing and then he’s pulling Neil in and kissing him. 

Neil keeps his hand on his chest and moves the other one up to the collar of his shirt to curl his fingers in the fabric. He kisses Andrew’s neck when he pulls away for air and gets a startled jolt in return.

“You like having your neck kissed,” Neil says, surprised and pleased and sufficiently distracted, and he does it again for good measure.

“Shut up,” Andrew mutters.

“Make me?” Neil asks, gets pushed up against the wall for his efforts. Andrew runs his fingers over the scars on his chest and then he’s back to kissing Neil like the world starts and ends in his mouth. It’s too cold to not be wearing a coat but whiskey and kisses and steady hands keep him warm as he and Andrew make up for lost time outside the nightclub.

The coolness of the wall starts to seep into his skin through the back of his shirt but it’s Andrew who shivers first. “It’s barely in the forties,” Neil says, tries and fails to hide his smile. 

“Not all of us lived in Germany in the winter.”

“California got cold too,” he says. “By these standards at least.”

Andrew shrugs. “I didn’t like it there either.” He gives Neil a once-over before messing with his hair and tugging at his shirt until he’s deemed presentable again, then shoulders back inside the club. They head to the bar first to order more drinks and Andrew nods at Renee when he sees her and Kevin at the table.

“Are the rest of them still out there?” Neil asks.

“Probably.” Andrew motions for Neil to go ahead of him and carries the tray to the table after him. He sets another canned soda in front of Renee and waits for Kevin to claim his shots before grabbing two of the remaining drinks. 

She and Kevin head back out to the dance floor together after he’s downed his shots and Renee smiles at Andrew before ducking into the crowd and emerging at Allison’s side.

“Terms of the bet?” Neil asks as soon as she turns away.

Andrew shrugs. “I’ll figure something out.”

“I’ll settle for you shutting down the goal again,” Neil says, thinking of the teams they’ll have to face after the break.

“You’re getting predictable,” Andrew tells him.

“Fine. Stop taking cracker dust then.”

“Why?”

“Is there a point to it? It’s just one more addiction to deal with.”

Andrew rolls his eyes. “I’m not addicted to crackers,” he says, then empties a packet into his mouth out of spite. “You haven’t won yet,” he says, though he does pass the rest of the pile over to him. 

Andrew clinks his glass against Neil’s and takes a long drink from it, stares out at the mass of bodies until he locates Kevin.

“You don’t want to be here either,” Neil guesses after he drains his drink. He knows he shouldn’t and can’t bring himself to care as he grabs one of the shots still on the tray. Andrew eyes him for a moment and sets his own drink back on the table.

“No,” he says. “I don’t.”

“But it was your idea.” The vodka burns against his throat as he throws back a third shot. He reaches for another but the tray is empty and the bar is too far away, and Neil’s not really planning on leaving Andrew’s side any time soon if he can help it.

Andrew shrugs. “Maybe it’s the self-destructive streak in me?”

Neil’s phone buzzes and he flinches. “Have you figured out what you want?”

“You could tell me why you’re afraid of your phone,” Andrew says, expression back to being carefully neutral.

“I thought you weren’t going to ask.” Neil scowls, regrets the whiskey he’d had earlier as his voice betrays his unhappiness.

He’s simultaneously too drunk for this conversation and not drunk enough. Neil’s about to head to the bar to collect some more drinks, distance be damned, when Andrew grabs the tray. He lets it fall out of his hand and onto the floor with a clatter that’s all but drowned out by the pulsing music.

“It’s just a stupid countdown,” Neil mutters as he hands Andrew his phone without bothering to glance at the screen. “I don’t know what it’s for, but I get one every day.” Neil ignores the weight of the lie on his tongue, and the guilt that comes with it makes his stomach turn. 

Andrew searches his face as he hands him the phone back. “We’re talking about this when you’re not drunk,” he decides. “Should have just gotten yelled at by Wymack,” he says and Neil snorts.

He reaches out across the table for Andrew’s hand. “I don’t want to fight,” he says, and Andrew’s expression softens almost imperceptibly as he asks “can we go home?”

“Yes,” he says, raising his eyebrows when Neil stands, mostly steady on his feet. “The shots haven’t hit, then.”

“I’m fine.” He’s still buzzed from the drinks from earlier but he’s nowhere near being drunk enough for concern. “My tolerance could be way higher now, you know. You’ve been gone for a month, maybe I was binge drinking with Kevin every night.”

Andrew half-smiles at that. “Were you?” he asks bemusedly.

Neil shakes his head and swallows a laugh that bubbles up somewhere from the warmth in his chest. “No. We watched a lot of Exy.”

Andrew starts for the dance floor in search of Kevin but he doesn’t have to go far. Kevin makes a beeline for the table and slouches into a chair, grabbing Andrew’s discarded drink without pause. He drains it in seconds and glances at the empty cups scattered haphazardly around the tray.

“Y’all are tiny,” he says, confusion bleeding into his tone. “How’d you drink all that?”

“I’m not going to dignify that with a response,” Neil says as Kevin uses the edge of the table to pull himself out of the chair he’d claimed.

“Gross,” Andrew complains when Kevin wraps a sweaty arm around him to stay upright.

“Not as gross as kissing Neil,” he says, notices Andrew’s sour expression and backtracks. “Not because he’s a guy, just ‘cause I’ve known him since he was ten.”

Andrew stops short. “You what?”

“Um.” Kevin stumbles and Andrew steadies him with an arm around his waist. “What’d I say?”

“That you’ve known Neil since he was ten,” Andrew repeats.

“I told you,” Neil says. “He and Riko watched my dad kill that guy.”

“I thought that was just a ‘happened to be in the same room as a serial killer’ kind of thing.”

“No, he was supposed to be like Jean,” Kevin says.

“What do you mean, like Jean?” Neil asks. “I just tried out. And then,” he makes a chopping motion with his hand and Kevin winces.

“No, you were going to be like Jean,” he says adamantly. “That much I know. Ask Riko if you don’t believe me.”

“Riko’s not here,” Andrew says evenly. “You can barely stand, let alone hold a coherent conversation. Discuss it tomorrow.”

Kevin shrugs but restless energy pulses through Neil’s veins as he thinks. Riko apparently remembers him enough to know his name, but he’d been more focused on Andrew than anything else during the only time that they’d met. Does Riko’s personal grudge outweigh his loyalty to his father? Or is it the other way around, with Nathan under the Moriyamas’ thumb?

“I can practically hear you panicking,” Andrew says, and uses his free hand to lace their fingers together. “We should’ve stayed home.” Andrew pulls them away from the table and out to the parking lot.

“It’s fucking freezing,” Kevin grumbles.

“Kevin gets it,” Andrew says, false seriousness embedded in his tone. “Text Renee,” he tells Neil. “My hands are full.”

Neil laughs and fishes Andrew’s phone out of his jacket one-handedly. It’s more difficult to send a text that way but he doesn’t want to let go of Andrew’s hand so he makes do.

“You’re a good friend,” Kevin says suddenly.

“I’m not.”

“You  _ are,_” Neil says, and just like that the alcohol hits him all at once.

Andrew frowns, then uses the hand Neil’s holding to gesture at Kevin. “You’re wrong,” he says, looks at Neil next. “Your opinion is skewed.”

Neil swings their linked hands back and forth a couple of times. “Can I hug you?”

“Oh my god,” Andrew mutters.

“Cause it’s cold,” Kevin reasons and Neil points at him.

Kevin sits down heavily on the curb and Andrew has no choice but to follow, tugging Neil down with him.

“Fine,” Andrew says after he shivers violently and Neil latches onto him immediately. Andrew heaves an exasperated sigh when Kevin hugs him too but he doesn’t tell either of them to move. 

Renee finds them like that and breathes out a laugh before snapping a picture with her phone. “That’s going on the wall.”

“I’ll kill you,” Andrew says.

“You’d never get close,” she tells him and he nods resignedly.

“Yeah. Worth a try.”

“Cold?” she directs to Neil and he hums against Andrew’s neck.

“Knock it off,” he murmurs and Neil blinks up at him. He must look concerned because Andrew sighs and pulls him closer. “You’re fine,” he amends.

Neil remembers Renee’s question after a beat. “No,” he says belatedly. “Andrew’s warm.”

“I bet,” Renee says easily. “Ready to go?”

He yawns. “Yeah.”

“Kevin’s asleep,” Renee informs Andrew.

“Of course he is.” Andrew nudges his leg with his knee and gets nowhere. “Kevin.”

“Exy,” Neil tries and shrugs at the look Andrew gives him. “Worth a try,” he echoes and Andrew rolls his eyes.

Renee takes pity on them and comes over to help. She shakes Kevin’s shoulder relentlessly until he grumbles at her, then tugs at his arm until he’s standing. “Up,” she says, loops an arm around him when he stumbles again.

“You too,” Andrew says.

“Ugh,” Neil mutters as the floor lurches below him. “Never been this drunk before. Maybe I have, usually I just pass out from blood loss so it’s hard to tell.” He leans against Andrew and waits to regain his balance. “You’re so sturdy,” he says. “Everything’s spiraling out of control but you’re still here.”

“I don’t want to see you look at alcohol for at least a month,” Andrew replies. “Can you walk or am I going to have to carry you?”

“Second one?”

“I hate you,” Andrew says, but his tone is fond so Neil doesn’t worry about it too much.

“Oh,” he says when Andrew picks him up. “You’re strong. And also the sky’s spinning a little.”

“Maybe you’re drunk enough not to remember this,” Andrew says. “It could happen.”

“That’s not fair. You have to keep all your bad memories and I can’t even have this one nice one,” he complains.

“I remember the good ones too,” Andrew reminds him, sets him down and wraps an arm around his waist while he opens the door to the Jeep. “I’ll keep this one safe.”

“Okay,” Neil agrees, climbs unsteadily into the car after him. Kevin’s already asleep in the seat on the right and Andrew buckles his seatbelt for him before doing his own. Neil clicks his into place and resumes his hug.

“Not a very nice person,” Renee teases from the driver’s seat while Andrew runs his fingers through his hair. Neil kind of wants to hear his reply but he’s asleep before the car begins to move.


	38. Wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first time I’ve run out of chapters ready to post so updates will probably be more sporadic than they already are, sorry in advance for that  
> Thank you to everyone who leaves kudos and comments, I appreciate all of you :)

Neil wakes up to a splitting headache and an empty bed. He pries his eyes open to look for Andrew and isn’t altogether surprised to see him in the corner of the room. He looks like he fell asleep keeping watch, body angled so he’s facing the door and head tipped low towards his chest. Neil doesn’t remember getting home, knows he wouldn’t have been able to consent to sharing a bed if he’d been out of it, but feels a twinge of guilt all the same.

There’s two painkillers and a room-temperature glass of water sitting on the nightstand, and Neil swallows the pills and downs the water before doing anything else. He’s never really been hungover before but a headache and some nausea are far from the worst things he’s experienced so he doesn’t pay it much mind.

“Andrew,” Neil says softly, then winces when he knocks his head against the wall. “Sorry.” Andrew waves him off tiredly and squints in his direction. His armbands are conspicuously missing and the unfamiliar shirt he’s wearing completely dwarfs him. The sleeves are baggy and reach past his elbows and Andrew tugs at one impatiently when it slips down his shoulder. He notices Neil staring and glowers at him.

“It’s Matt’s,” he says. “Our fearless captain threw up on me and he was the only one to have the foresight to bring extra clothes.”

Neil stifles his smile the best he can but Andrew’s expression darkens and he doesn’t think he’s wholly successful. “Come up here?” he asks. When Andrew stands the dark green shirt goes halfway to his knees and Neil keeps his mouth shut for all of two seconds. “You look cute,” he says, doesn’t bother trying to hide his smile this time.

Andrew kicks his feet under the covers and scans his face. “Are you still drunk?”

“No,” Neil says, half-offended. “I’m allowed to think you look cute when you’re wearing a shirt that’s eight sizes too big.”

“I’m going back to sleep.” The dark smudges under his eyes are more pronounced now that he’s closer and Neil brushes the pad of his thumb against one as Andrew asks “yes or no?”

“Yes.” 

Andrew throws an arm across his stomach and tucks his face against his ribs without hesitation. He’s asleep again in minutes and Neil lets himself bask in the cozy familiarity of it. The laziness eventually gets to him too and he closes his eyes, content to waste the morning away.

He wakes up disoriented the way he always does after a nap and scans his surroundings. Andrew’s impossibly still asleep, face flushed beneath his freckles and buried in his side, hair refusing to lay flat. He’d somehow managed to push Neil’s shirt up without waking either of them and the ridges of their scars press together like strange puzzle pieces.

The light shining in from the window is far brighter than it had been earlier and Neil can hear the sounds of pans faintly clattering from the kitchen. It doesn’t take long for the noise to wake Andrew and he ghosts a kiss to Neil’s ribs before sitting up. They’re both still bleary eyed and sleep ruffled but the peaceful little bubble of uninterruptedness won’t last long.

Neil gets up first and Andrew immediately burrows back under the blankets. “Don’t fall back asleep,” he warns, and gets muffled reply in return. He heads to the bathroom and spots Andrew’s shirt and armbands in the sink, knives shoved against the mirror in a haphazard pile. The bands are mostly dry so he grabs them and tucks the knives back into their sheathes on his way out.

Nicky intercepts him just outside the bedroom door. “Breakfast will be ready in a second, Renee went out this morning to get stuff for pancakes.” He glances at the armbands in his hands. “Is Andrew awake?”

Neil shrugs. “He was a second ago, but it didn’t look like it’d last long.”

Nicky laughs. “Tell him there’s pancakes,” he suggests, already making his way back into the kitchen. 

Neil pushes back into the bedroom and shakes his head. Andrew’s curled up where Neil had been just moments ago, blankets pulled up over his ears and face lax in sleep.

“Andrew, come on. Renee made pancakes,” he says, then tosses the armbands onto the unoccupied side of the bed.

“It’s cold,” he mumbles and Neil smiles. 

“So that’s why you’re acting like this,” he says, more to himself than anything.

Andrew pulls his armbands on and frowns at the damp material. “Like what?”

Neil’s pretty sure the easiest way to get Andrew to stop doing something is to call attention to it so he changes topics. “Bring the blanket if you want.” Andrew eyes him, then the blanket as he stands, and heads towards the bathroom. Neil enters the kitchen and directs a hard stare at Allison and Nicky.

“I’m not responsible for anything that happens if you mention the shirt.”

Matt’s face lights up. “Oh my God, I forgot. Is it worth dying over a picture? Dan, what do you think?”

“Babe, not so loud, holy shit. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Matt snickers unsympathetically. “You threw up on the monster last night.”

_“No,”_ she says, quietly horrified. “I’m going to get stabbed,” she adds miserably.

Kevin rolls his eyes and looks like he regrets it. He opens his mouth to say something and Nicky shoves a bite of pancake into it when Andrew enters the kitchen. He raises his eyebrows at his cousin and accepts a plate from Renee.

Allison breaks first. “You look like a kid playing dress up,” she says gleefully.

Andrew casts her a bored look as he tears off a piece of chocolate covered pancake and launches it in her direction. She hadn’t been expecting it and it hits her squarely between the eyes before falling into her lap. 

Nicky snorts. “Now you both look ridiculous.”

“Are you done?” Kevin asks exasperatedly.“My head is killing me.”

Neil sits on the arm of the couch and Andrew joins him, sitting as close as possible without touching.

“It’s really not that cold,” he says, but he’d rather have Andrew here than stabbing Allison at any rate, so he lets it go. Kevin glowers at him for the noise and Neil flips him off. Andrew pulls the top pancake to the side with his fork so Neil can tear off a piece of one with less chocolate.

“Where’s Aaron and Katelyn?” Allison asks after she’s finished wiping chocolate off her face. There’s still some in her eyebrow but Neil isn’t going to be the one to tell her that. He did warn her, after all.

“Still upstairs. Aaron says she’s real hungover,” Nicky tells her.

“Shame,” Andrew mutters and eats another bite of pancake, unconcerned.

“You could try to like her,” Nicky says.

“When’s the last time you’ve seen Aaron voluntarily hang out with Neil?” Matt asks, then grins when Andrew points at him.

“There’s more pancakes by the stove if you want your own plate,” Renee offers.

Neil shrugs and steals another bite. “This is fine.” He’s not particularly hungry anyway, content to watch the rest of the Foxes bicker over mindless topics with Andrew at his side. He lets himself get lost in a debate Matt and Allison are having over where they’ll get seated at banquet this year and grins at Dan when she rolls her eyes at him theatrically, only to flinch a moment later when she glances at Andrew.

“Relax, Wilds, if I was going to murder you over a shirt I would have done it last night when everyone was asleep.”

“That’s not reassuring. You know where I live, maybe you’re just plotting.”

Neil’s phone vibrates against his leg and suddenly everything is too much to handle. He doesn’t know how to act when all his friends are in the dark about what’s going on, doesn’t know how to face them when he knows he won’t be around much longer. He ignores Andrew when he presses his thigh against his own and stands up on autopilot. 

Neil mutters “bathroom,” and barely has time to do the lock before he’s dry heaving into the toilet. His phone buzzes again and he doesn’t spare it another glance as he drops it inside and flushes it down the drain, all he knows is that he wants it gone. Neil avoids his reflection as he splashes water onto his face and scrubs it dry with more force than is strictly necessary, dreading returning to the Foxes when he’ll undoubtedly be under scrutiny for the rest of the day. 

He’s not sure how many minutes have passed before he’s ready to open the door, but he really shouldn’t be surprised to see Andrew waiting on the other side. He grabs Neil’s wrist and pulls him into the bedroom and it’s only when the door is firmly shut behind them that he lets go.

“I texted you,” he says flatly. 

“I don’t really need a phone,” Neil replies, winces at how stupid it sounds out loud. 

“Bullshit. What’s really going on?”

Andrew’s too perceptive to let him deflect any further, so Neil sighs and sinks to the floor. “My father is getting out of prison. That’s what the texts are for; it’s a countdown for the days I have left.” Andrew sits down heavily in front of him and Neil stares just past his shoulder, unwilling to see his reaction.

“You don’t know that,” he says. “You’ve just been getting numbers. That could be anything.”

“I deleted the other messages,” Neil says dejectedly and Andrew shakes his head. “What am I going to do?” he asks quietly and drops his forehead onto Andrew’s shoulder, squeezing his eyes firmly shut. 

Andrew doesn’t answer and his silence is deafening as Neil waits for reassurance he knows will never come. Andrew won’t lie to him, especially not about something this important, and false platitudes would only feel cheap right now. It doesn’t stop him from wanting comfort, from wanting to feel like he’s not about to jump out of his skin at the slightest noise, and Andrew nudges him with his knee before placing a steady hand just above his collar.

The pressure on his neck anchors him to the present, more reassuring than it has any right to be, and Neil impossibly wishes he’d said something earlier.

“What’d you text me?” Neil says, removing his head from Andrew’s shoulder when his heart finally stops trying to escape from his chest. Andrew wordlessly holds up his phone, the last message he’d sent already up on the screen. ‘I won’t let him get to you’ it reads, and Neil shakes his head in disbelief. “You knew?”

“There’s only so many reasons why you’d develop such an extreme reaction to it,” Andrew replies. “Where is it?”

Neil feels his face heat up despite himself. “I might have flushed it down the toilet.”

Andrew raises his eyebrows. “That can’t be good for the plumbing.” He stands and crosses his arms when Neil tries to hand the phone back. “Keep it. I’m buying another one today.”

Neil passes the phone between his hands while he thinks. This is nothing new, really. His father’s men have been trying to kill him for years. He has over a month to spend with Andrew and the rest of the Foxes, over a month to live the life he’d never thought he’d be allowed to have. At least now he has a deadline, won’t have to look over his shoulder during the weeks leading up to his birthday. Acceptance won’t save him, but neither will pretending the texts don’t exist, even if that option was easier to justify. 

Now that his own panic isn’t crowding his head, Neil glances back up at Andrew, only to see his calm facade begin to crumble.

Neil watches anxiousness bubble up and spill over in waves, finding an outlet in restless fidgeting and biting at his lip and ghosting a hand over his forearm in an aborted search for a knife.

Andrew runs a hand through his hair, paces back and forth a couple times when standing still isn’t enough. “Fuck,” he exclaims lowly, and puts his hand through the window between one moment and the next.

Neil takes in the blood and broken glass and the defeated set of his shoulders at once. “Andrew,” he says quietly when he can’t say anything else, already starting his way. “The others are going to ask.”

Andrew chokes out a laugh. “That is officially the furthest thing from my mind right now. Should we go to Coach? The pigs? Just make a run for it and hope we get lucky?”

Neil grabs Andrew’s wrist and looks at his mangled hand when he can’t look him in the eyes. _“We_ are not doing anything,” he says. “I’m not dragging you down with me. I should have left you in California the moment I knew I was getting attached.”

Andrew grabs his chin with his free hand and wrenches it upwards so Neil’s forced to look at him. “You’re not going anywhere,” he says, more conviction in his voice than he’s had since Neil can remember. “We’re going to figure this out, and we’re going figure it out together.”

Neil feels dread settle in his stomach, wonders exactly when the familiarity of it had gotten lost within the last year. “I can’t lose you, Andrew. If something happened to you because of me I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

“Yeah, we’re on the same fucking page there,” Andrew snaps. “Last night was forty?” he asks, though they both know by now that it was. Neil nods anyway. 

“Then we have thirty eight days to figure this out. _Together,”_ he emphasizes again. He shakes out his hand and smiles self-deprecatingly at it. “That was stupid.”

“I can think of dumber things.”

Andrew shrugs like an afterthought. “I’m going to wash this out and then I’m going to get Kevin and you’re going to have a hopefully less difficult conversation.” He points at him with a bloody finger. “Do not go out that fucking window.”

“Someone smashed it and made it inconvenient to climb out of,” Neil mutters.

“My master plan, already figured out,” Andrew says, already walking outside the room and in the direction of the kitchen.

There’s a long pause until Neil hears Nicky’s startled “Andrew, what the _hell?”_ and a beat passes before the sink cuts on. Andrew steps inside a moment later, back to calm detachment, and he tosses a first aid kit Neil’s way before shoving his hand at his chest.

Kevin walks in while he’s bandaging it, stares between them and the shards of glass littering the floor with wide eyes. 

“You’ve never seen a broken window before? Close the door and sit down,” Andrew says. Neil finishes with the gauze and presses a kiss on top for good measure. “Insufferable,” Andrew mutters at him, but there’s no real heat to his words.

“Um,” Kevin says and Andrew rolls his eyes.

“You’ve known Neil since you were ten,” Andrew reminds him. “Talk.”

And he does. Kevin tells him what he remembers from the day Neil tried out for the Ravens, what Riko knows, and how his father fits into the Moriyama’s crime syndicate. By the end of it Neil feels sick to his stomach, and only Andrew’s hand on the back of his neck keeps him from bolting then and there.

“That’s...” Andrew trails off. “A lot.”

Kevin glowers at him. “I know.”

Andrew stands up and starts pacing the same path from earlier. “You can leave,” he tells Kevin, expression already faraway as he thinks. “Thank you,” he adds distractedly, runs the uninjured hand through his hair again before taking out a knife. Kevin eyes him warily and gives Neil a stilted nod before leaving the room.

“This whole situation is so fucked,” Andrew mutters, and Neil’s inclined to agree. “Would the Moriyamas do anything about this? There’s a solution here where you don’t end up dead or property of the mob but I can’t goddamn find it,” he says. “I probably can’t kill him,” he muses, and Neil snorts.

“It’s not funny,” he says at Andrew’s incredulous expression. “But it kind of is. Killing the Butcher? You’d end up dead faster than you can say _Lola.”_

“I’m going to go through every possible scenario,” he promises. “We’re going to figure this out.” Neil wonders if repeating it helps. He’d sort of made peace with his death a long time ago, has known for years and years that he’s living on borrowed time. Andrew hasn’t though, not really, and he’s once again struck by the unfairness of the situation. Neil can see him panic with every flip of the knife between his fingers, in every step he takes in the small room as he tries to answer an unsolvable problem.

“We’ll figure it out,” Neil repeats, a liar through and through. Andrew’s expression is just on this side of hopeful and Neil feels a stab of guilt cut into him, just like his father will in thirty nine days. He shoves the guilt down and reaches out towards Andrew when he faces him again. He obliges and sinks down to the floor next to him.

Neil raises a hand to his neck and feels the jackrabbit pulse of someone in too deep. “You’re spiraling.”

“Of course I am,“ Andrew mutters, taps the flat of the blade against his knee in time with it. “You’re too calm. I think you should be freaking out with me.”

“I’ll go find a window if you think it’ll help,” Neil says, and Andrew drops the knife to grab both of his hands.

“Don’t do that,” he says shortly. “I just want one fucking break. Just one.”

“I’m sorry,” Neil says, and Andrew shakes his head again.

“Shut up. Nothing’s happened yet.” He slides the discarded knife back into his armband when Neil stands.

“Cat thing?” he asks hesitantly.

Andrew nods and lets himself be pulled to his feet and over to the bed. It’s been a while since the last time Neil had been panicked enough to need to be grounded this much, but Andrew just covers his body with his own without second thought. Neil can feel his heartbeat thudding against his own chest and shoves down the despair doing its best to creep up on him. 

“Your heart is beating so fast,” he says quietly, unnecessarily.

Andrew huffs out a short breath against his neck. “Like I jumped out of a goddamn airplane.” He’s silent for a long moment. “I can’t lose you.”

Neil squeezes his eyes shut. “You won’t,” he lies, and this time he almost believes it.


End file.
